no where else 2 turn/losinghope
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 29
Dear Losing Hope,
This is a great place, you will get lots of love and support here. I wish only to be helpful also. My perspective comes from living with an AH for 23 years. Go back and read your post as if one of your girlfriends wrote it. Would you not say to her, you deserve MUCH better than that? It is not fun or funny to spend years in emotional turmoil, trying to fix someone else's life, all the while ignoring your own emotional needs and growth. You can't fix him anyway. He probably doesn't even truly realize anything is wrong. I look back and regret the wasted years. It's sad and I don't know about anyone else on this board, but my love for my AH (AND I REALLY, REALLY LOVED HIM ) eventually turned into resentment and pure hatred. Just take a look at what kind of life you might have with this person. Will you be in an environment that will allow you to be relaxed and happy? Will you be able to speak your mind without walking on eggshells? Does he respect you and your wishes? Does he treat you like you are important to him? Or does everything revolve around him and his needs? Just some things to think about.........thinking about you and wishing you the best.
This is a great place, you will get lots of love and support here. I wish only to be helpful also. My perspective comes from living with an AH for 23 years. Go back and read your post as if one of your girlfriends wrote it. Would you not say to her, you deserve MUCH better than that? It is not fun or funny to spend years in emotional turmoil, trying to fix someone else's life, all the while ignoring your own emotional needs and growth. You can't fix him anyway. He probably doesn't even truly realize anything is wrong. I look back and regret the wasted years. It's sad and I don't know about anyone else on this board, but my love for my AH (AND I REALLY, REALLY LOVED HIM ) eventually turned into resentment and pure hatred. Just take a look at what kind of life you might have with this person. Will you be in an environment that will allow you to be relaxed and happy? Will you be able to speak your mind without walking on eggshells? Does he respect you and your wishes? Does he treat you like you are important to him? Or does everything revolve around him and his needs? Just some things to think about.........thinking about you and wishing you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Girard, Ohio
Posts: 23
Well the A-ex just called and we had a nice little conversation. Talked awhile about his job and stuff and i told him i been goin to Al-anon meetings and he said well thats good but i dont drink anymore. He said he only drank maybe 4 times with in the past 3 months and i dont know if i should believe him or not! David has lied to me 100000X and i dont know if he would be tellin me the truth about this or not? And if he isnt drinking anymore then good for him i still plan on goin 2 Alanon meetings and talking with other people! Its helping me alot! I still love him more then anything and i do believe that people change.........but i just dont know! Anyhow we made plans to take the little one to chuck e cheese on friday night so we'll see how it goes then!
<3 megan
still confuzed though =(
<3 megan
still confuzed though =(
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: London
Posts: 14
No Hope
Hi Megan
I've read through the entire thread, and viewing David's actions from the standpoint of another male, I can't see any hope for you with this guy. I have done similar things to what he has - and it is very clear to me that David does not love you, and cares little about you. If you continue to have this guy in your life, he will just cause you lifelong frustration, and disappointment. He is an addict and a womaniser. You need to develop a sense of self worth in yourself and try to have some self respect. The guy is using you as a doormat, and you are letting him.
You are too young to know that you will never fall in love with someone who deserves you, and you him. Don't throw your life away on this scumbag. Wise up now, before its too late, or you might have this albatross around your neck for the rest of your life. I really thought cases like this were for the Jerry Springer show! Please, please ditch him - you are too young, and good hearted to be abused like this. I pray that you find the courage and strength to put yourself first, and get the life you deserve.
Hugs
Mick
I've read through the entire thread, and viewing David's actions from the standpoint of another male, I can't see any hope for you with this guy. I have done similar things to what he has - and it is very clear to me that David does not love you, and cares little about you. If you continue to have this guy in your life, he will just cause you lifelong frustration, and disappointment. He is an addict and a womaniser. You need to develop a sense of self worth in yourself and try to have some self respect. The guy is using you as a doormat, and you are letting him.
You are too young to know that you will never fall in love with someone who deserves you, and you him. Don't throw your life away on this scumbag. Wise up now, before its too late, or you might have this albatross around your neck for the rest of your life. I really thought cases like this were for the Jerry Springer show! Please, please ditch him - you are too young, and good hearted to be abused like this. I pray that you find the courage and strength to put yourself first, and get the life you deserve.
Hugs
Mick
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hey Mick...and Losinghope,
My son is another David and he had a relationship very similar to yours including a child. Don't believe he doesn't love you...just know he doesn't know how. It is quite possible that he is a user and we know he lies BUT in my opinion he believes those lies.
Even tho I am defending David I don't think he is someone you need to be getting yourself all invested in. You are 21. You have your whole life ahead of you. If you were my daughter I would be telling you to find a way to support yourself and your child so you don't have to depend on any man. Then you would be in a position to pick and choose.
David does not know how to be a partner in your life whether he "really loves" you or not. He just plain does not have the skills and he has had more time to hone them than you. He is 30.
Take care of you and your baby, make yourself self sufficient, go to your meetings, learn what they offer about living a serene and happy life and move on.
This is JT and I might as well be Davids mother...
(((Hugs)))
My son is another David and he had a relationship very similar to yours including a child. Don't believe he doesn't love you...just know he doesn't know how. It is quite possible that he is a user and we know he lies BUT in my opinion he believes those lies.
Even tho I am defending David I don't think he is someone you need to be getting yourself all invested in. You are 21. You have your whole life ahead of you. If you were my daughter I would be telling you to find a way to support yourself and your child so you don't have to depend on any man. Then you would be in a position to pick and choose.
David does not know how to be a partner in your life whether he "really loves" you or not. He just plain does not have the skills and he has had more time to hone them than you. He is 30.
Take care of you and your baby, make yourself self sufficient, go to your meetings, learn what they offer about living a serene and happy life and move on.
This is JT and I might as well be Davids mother...
(((Hugs)))
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
I dusted off a couple of threads from a while back that were posted by JT and Gracey. They deal with expectations and hope. They are excellent threads and I thought they might be useful to you. :heart:
JT - Thanks for the frying pan smiley. I don't know how you put those cute little critters in the list, but that is a good one!
JT - Thanks for the frying pan smiley. I don't know how you put those cute little critters in the list, but that is a good one!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Girard, Ohio
Posts: 23
Well thankx jt and mick for the advice...and thankx for takin the time out 2 read my post. Um i do believe that david does love me and wants 2 be apart of his daughters life...but i dont think he knows how and hes afraid! I guess his childhood was rough growin up (and whos wasnt) but i just dont think he likes getting close to people because they all end up leaving him or hurting him...and i know i shouldnt defend him either, but i love david and deep down i think he could be a good person....so could everyone whos screws up or make mistakes! no one is perfect. I dont agree with the stuff he does or how he treats me...but i was raised to see the good in everyone and 2 give people second chances...and i dont know where im goin with this and i hope noone is mad cuz im defending david but im just a CONFUZED 21 year old....lol you might as well split me in half cuz part of me wants him back and the other part wants nothing 2 do with it....but because of my daughter im leanin more towards the i want him back part....AHHHH anyone understand???
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
EVERYONE here understands. We have all been there. It's a terrible place to be.
You mentioned that you are the kind of person who looks for the good, and give people second chances... well...... how many chances have you given him? I'm willing to bet more than 2!!!
I didn't realize until later in this thread that he is 30.. 30?? Way too old to be acting like this!!
You are 21 and have a beautiful child. If you and he were to get back together, your poor child would be living in chaos that she does not understand. Her father can still be in her life, but not every day.
My thought , and I am sure it may be hard for you to hear, is to stay away from a relationship with this man. He is not capable of a so called normal relationship with anyone. You would just be setting yourself up for a lot more pain and misery.
Please be sure to make arrangements for child support also.
And remember- no one here is, or ever will be, sick of listening to you. That is what we are here for. We have all been there and know how much it hurts.
Good luck to you!!!
You mentioned that you are the kind of person who looks for the good, and give people second chances... well...... how many chances have you given him? I'm willing to bet more than 2!!!
I didn't realize until later in this thread that he is 30.. 30?? Way too old to be acting like this!!
You are 21 and have a beautiful child. If you and he were to get back together, your poor child would be living in chaos that she does not understand. Her father can still be in her life, but not every day.
My thought , and I am sure it may be hard for you to hear, is to stay away from a relationship with this man. He is not capable of a so called normal relationship with anyone. You would just be setting yourself up for a lot more pain and misery.
Please be sure to make arrangements for child support also.
And remember- no one here is, or ever will be, sick of listening to you. That is what we are here for. We have all been there and know how much it hurts.
Good luck to you!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Girard, Ohio
Posts: 23
Well yeah this is more then his second chance....but im thinking maybe this time if we get back together he'll be different....and if hes not then ill be the one 2 leave! Everyone keeps saying that me and my daughter dont shouldnt be involved with this mess and i agree...but shouldnt my daughter grow up with a father? David is 100% excellent with our daughter and when were together we dont fight infront of her david dont drink infront of her its just me and him who have a hard time together....i wanna give him another chance and i know i shouldnt but for my daughters sake i want her 2 have her father apart of her life.......make sense? well thankx again i love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by losinghope
its just me and him who have a hard time together....i wanna give him another chance and i know i shouldn't
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
losinghope - listen to the others on this board - they (we)have had years of experience in dealing with these behaviors. the decision is ultimately yours, but really think things over. we all want to see the good in our a's, but as time goes on, if they do not seek help, that good seems to shrink to nothing. as splendra said - he doesn't have to live with you for your daughter to have a relationship with her father.
higs and support to you and your daughter - cwohio
higs and support to you and your daughter - cwohio
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Girard, Ohio
Posts: 23
umm ok so i havent been writing alot lately and i havent been going to any meetings...so does that make me a bad person or a person who dont care anymore or what? i still wanna go to meetings and keep up but with work and my daughter i just seem like i can never find the time....i still love david but im learning to let go....i havent talked 2 him in like 5 days and he finally called 2night (tuesday) and i didnt even care 2 talk 2 him....usually im all excited when he calls and 2night i could careless.....so does that mean im ready 2 move on!!!! well thankx everyone for the support!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
losinghope,
I am cominig in late on this but you ask the question "does that mean im ready to move on"...I hope that you are ready to start focusing more of your energy on you and your daughter and less on someone that is not ready to be in a relationship. It sounds like you are some, but you have to keep working on it. It should be all about what is good for you and your daughter, and nothing else. You and you daughter deserve to be treated like QUEENS...you don't have to settle for anything less.
HUGS,
Lady
I am cominig in late on this but you ask the question "does that mean im ready to move on"...I hope that you are ready to start focusing more of your energy on you and your daughter and less on someone that is not ready to be in a relationship. It sounds like you are some, but you have to keep working on it. It should be all about what is good for you and your daughter, and nothing else. You and you daughter deserve to be treated like QUEENS...you don't have to settle for anything less.
HUGS,
Lady
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Los Alamitos Ca
Posts: 8
Just let it go. You cant control him or what he does. He is a Grown man and need to figure things out for himself. You need to do what is best for you and your daughter.
She is the priority, Not David. You may want to look into Alanon meetings. I think it would be in everyones best interest. Remember, your life will not end if he is not in it!
It may be uncomfortable for a while, but you will be fine. Something I try is to let Gods
will be done, Not Mine!!!
glenn
She is the priority, Not David. You may want to look into Alanon meetings. I think it would be in everyones best interest. Remember, your life will not end if he is not in it!
It may be uncomfortable for a while, but you will be fine. Something I try is to let Gods
will be done, Not Mine!!!
glenn
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
(((losinghope))) I know that right now you are hurt, you are confused, and you just feel so helpless. These are all very normal things to feel.
I do want to point out some things to you though. Please don't think that I'm being cold-hearted, because beleive me, I do not mean it that way.
In reading your posts, the 2 things that jump out at me the very most are...
1) They are ALL ABOUT DAVID.
2) You love HIM.
Sweetie.......let me tell you that after having been married to an alcoholic for years, I look back and wonder WHY!!
WHY was MY life all about HIM????????? AND WHY did I love him when he treated me the way he did?????
Something that I learned about during my ongoing recovery process is the words PERSONAL BOUNDARIES. Wow!!! What a concept that was!!!!! I can actually have boundaries?????
Well, you can too! And I think now would be a very good time for you to put some thought into what you are and aren't willing to accept. Not just from David, but from everybody!!!! And put the focus back on you!
Your self-esteem is low I"m guessing. (I think most of us that are married to addicts are) as we all tend to think along the lines of "If I had been a better wife, If I had done this better or that better, etc".
Beleive me - you did not cause this. You cannot cure it. And you cannot control it.
You can only decide what you are and aren't willing to live with.
Keep posting here. There are so many wonderful and wise people at this board. Keep attending alanon and read all that you can.
I do want to point out some things to you though. Please don't think that I'm being cold-hearted, because beleive me, I do not mean it that way.
In reading your posts, the 2 things that jump out at me the very most are...
1) They are ALL ABOUT DAVID.
2) You love HIM.
Sweetie.......let me tell you that after having been married to an alcoholic for years, I look back and wonder WHY!!
WHY was MY life all about HIM????????? AND WHY did I love him when he treated me the way he did?????
Something that I learned about during my ongoing recovery process is the words PERSONAL BOUNDARIES. Wow!!! What a concept that was!!!!! I can actually have boundaries?????
Well, you can too! And I think now would be a very good time for you to put some thought into what you are and aren't willing to accept. Not just from David, but from everybody!!!! And put the focus back on you!
Your self-esteem is low I"m guessing. (I think most of us that are married to addicts are) as we all tend to think along the lines of "If I had been a better wife, If I had done this better or that better, etc".
Beleive me - you did not cause this. You cannot cure it. And you cannot control it.
You can only decide what you are and aren't willing to live with.
Keep posting here. There are so many wonderful and wise people at this board. Keep attending alanon and read all that you can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Girard, Ohio
Posts: 23
I do like writing in here and talking to everyone and sometime this week im gonna try and go 2 another meeting....i do as always love david but you guys r so right and its takin me awhile 2 realize it but i dont want to be bothered with him and his bullshyt! (sorry) he brings me down and uses me and im actually sick of it....i helped him as much as i could i just cant help anymore! and im so glad i read all of this 2night (wedneday) cuz i was just getting ready to call him and NOW im not....i think im just gonna let him be a father to our child and let it go at that....but ill be damnd (sorry again) if the girl he is with now comes around my kid....i know its probably the wrong thing to do but right now im not ready for my child 2 go around some other lady that i KNOW nothing about, and who does bad things.....anyhow once again THANKS FOR EVERYTHING u have no idea how much you guys r helping me!!!!!!!!!
megan
megan
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
My heart really goes out to you and your daughter. Believe me, so many of us know what you're going throught.
two things thought...1) Even if David doesn't drink around her, he is still an alcoholic and both children and adults are impacted by alcoholics. I think children are so much more suseptable than we tend to realize and just being around an alcoholic on a regular basis can leave her with things she will have to deal with as an adult. And whether you fight around her or not, I'd venture to say that she still is away, at least on some level, that you have let him treat you badly and this also affects how she will let others treat her as an adult. Alanon is the best way I know of to combat these things.
2) I just posted a thread in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum that I think may help if you want to take a look at it. It's titled, "Love is an action verb?" It pretty much goes along with what you've been saying about the way David treats you. It's one of those...the truth sometimes hurts things, but a lot of it rings true for me and I really think this new definition of love that my counselor is offering will really help me to steer clear of painful relationships in the future. Hope it helps some.
Prayers coming your way,
Jenna
two things thought...1) Even if David doesn't drink around her, he is still an alcoholic and both children and adults are impacted by alcoholics. I think children are so much more suseptable than we tend to realize and just being around an alcoholic on a regular basis can leave her with things she will have to deal with as an adult. And whether you fight around her or not, I'd venture to say that she still is away, at least on some level, that you have let him treat you badly and this also affects how she will let others treat her as an adult. Alanon is the best way I know of to combat these things.
2) I just posted a thread in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum that I think may help if you want to take a look at it. It's titled, "Love is an action verb?" It pretty much goes along with what you've been saying about the way David treats you. It's one of those...the truth sometimes hurts things, but a lot of it rings true for me and I really think this new definition of love that my counselor is offering will really help me to steer clear of painful relationships in the future. Hope it helps some.
Prayers coming your way,
Jenna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Girard, Ohio
Posts: 23
Thankx Jenna for the post i read your "Love is an action verb" found it 2 be helpfull and understand. Umm i talked 2 david lastnight and asked him if he could watch tori 2night cuz i have 2 work and he paused for 2 min and was like yeah i guess i could do that! Then i said forget im not sending my kid with someone who dont want her! HOW DARE HIM SAY "I GUESS I CAN DO THAT" I GUESS?? its his freakin kid!! I also told him she was sick and you would think he would care and take her 2 the doctors with me or sumthing and NO...infact i took her this morning 2 the doctors and he didnt even call to see how she was doin....so because he is the father i called him and said we just got back from the doctors and that she was fine just has a lil cold and he said thats what i thought bye! im like so sick of this crap but it hurts knowing he dont care! Lastnight when i talked 2 him he sounded all mellow and relaxed and i asked if he was drinking and he said NO he took some pain pills for his foot and hes just laying down! Now i thinking hes taking pills again and drinking....how stupid can someone be! i just dont understand how someone who was so excited and wanted a child dont care anymore......is it that easy to not give to craps? i know if anything happened to my little girl i would ABSOULETLY DIE! i dont know, guess were 2 different people! im just hurt because he spends more time with the "girlfriend" and her lil boy then he does his own child.....and theres times that i wanna say dont bother calling me anymore i dont want you seeing tori and theres times where i want him 2 see her and be around. but it hurts me being around him cuz i love him so much and just wanna go back 2 the way we use 2 be......ARRRGGG hopefully everything will work out and i wont be so sad anymore!
megan
megan
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Since Tori is David's daughter, I would not keep him from seeing her, unless you think he may put her in danger with his drinking...like driving with her while under the influence. I believe children need to know both parents and have both of them in their lives. However, I wouldn't MAKE him spend time with her...He may not know how to love himself or anyone else right now. And he will want to spend time with her when he's ready. It may not be nearly as much time as anyone thinks he should, but if he's got substance abuse problems...he may be trying to protect her in a sense by not being around her or he just may not be able to think about anything accept his addictions.
I don't know how old she is, but as soon as she is old enough, I would get her into an Alateen or Alatot program. It could mean the difference in a happy future for her.
It is sad when parents are addicted, but as spouses, ex's or children all we can do is learn how to live our lives regardless of how the other person chooses to live. And we can help our own children to not have to learn the same self-defeating survival skills we learned growing up. And instead teaching them healthy relationship skills by joining a program and placing them in one as well. Co-dependency is such a vicious cycle that is hard to break, but I am trying to brake my familes' codie cycle with myself...so that when i have children I won't pass on the codie cycle to them.
Recovery is a process that takes time, but at least I've started the journey. I'm also glad to have friends like you here with me through the journey.
Keep what you like and leave the rest.
God Bless,
Jenna
I don't know how old she is, but as soon as she is old enough, I would get her into an Alateen or Alatot program. It could mean the difference in a happy future for her.
It is sad when parents are addicted, but as spouses, ex's or children all we can do is learn how to live our lives regardless of how the other person chooses to live. And we can help our own children to not have to learn the same self-defeating survival skills we learned growing up. And instead teaching them healthy relationship skills by joining a program and placing them in one as well. Co-dependency is such a vicious cycle that is hard to break, but I am trying to brake my familes' codie cycle with myself...so that when i have children I won't pass on the codie cycle to them.
Recovery is a process that takes time, but at least I've started the journey. I'm also glad to have friends like you here with me through the journey.
Keep what you like and leave the rest.
God Bless,
Jenna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Girard, Ohio
Posts: 23
Jenna- yOu always have the right advice 2 give....everything is just so hard for me still and im trying my hardest to deal with everything. Thankx for everything and keep up the goOd work with yourself.....
muCh love,
megan
muCh love,
megan
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