sogladnow

I met a woman in AA, we clicked and we started an affair. I was at home much of the time (lost my job through drinking, I am now about 1 yr sober), going to daytime meetings, met her, I had fun and excitement in my life for once. My wife and I don't ever have sex, we don't really get on at all, not an excuse, just how it is. Problem was she was relapsing every week/fortnight. I tried to help emotionally, financially, in all ways really. Eventually she went into rehab, and within a week of being there the texts saying how much she loves and misses me stopped and she doesn't want to see me/ speak to me/ hear from me. She has found someone else in there I presume ( its 15 men and 2 women...).For about a week I was like at 16 yr old who had been dumped, and then the mist cleared and I realised that she was just using me and I was enabling her. I feel so much better now, I don't wish her ill, I am just glad it is over. If anything I feel sorry for her new man. Whilst we were together it was always 1 drama after the other, now my life is back to a more humdrum existence, and it is much much better. And, I have seen how much a pain it is to deal with an alcoholic, and so respect my wife more. Maybe it was my higher power helping me out a bit, although that may be stretching it a bit

Needabreak

You come here of all places to post about your adulterous affair?

The only person I feel any compassion for in your sordid story is your wife. But then, she chooses to be a part of it....knowingly or not.

sogladnow

I wasn't looking for compassion needabreak. And you are right, I have behaved very badly. My post was more about the fact that I have seen how difficult it is to deal with someone who is an active alcoholic that they are emotionally involved with and so can see how much hurt I must have caused, and I was hoping that someone may read my post and not make the same mistake.

atalose

sogladnow, thanks for sharing.

And yes pain becomes such a big part of loving an alcoholic. Glad you saw the light.

DoubleDragons

Maybe you could use this as a catalyst to work on your relationship with your wife and bring "fun and excitement" back into your marriage. All things can be turned for good if we point our navigation that way.

firebolt

I am glad you see. I have had moments of seeing how hard it is to deal with codependents as well. Stressful and exhausting, all the way around - add alcohol, and it's just pain. Take care of yourself.

LexieCat

Yeah, this might not be the place to come for understanding about your relationship with this woman.

I'm seven years sober, myself, and all I can say is that if you really want to nail down your own recovery you owe it to your wife (who has probably been through more than you can imagine, never mind having you cheat on her) to step up and be a real partner to her or to let her go so she can find happiness with someone else.

I also hope you have a good sponsor that you're working with, who can guide you through this process so you don't jeopardize your own sobriety or cause more harm to your wife.

Eauchiche

I have chosen a life of celibacy now, in part, because I realized that every time I felt a strong attraction to someone, there was a bottle of something not too far away.

I agree with the others about your wife. This isn't fair to her. I also believe that the lack of sex in your marriage may be just as much or more of your fault than hers. Stories abound in these forums about addicts going away emotionally because of their addictions, all the while expecting sex from their mates. No matter who she is, she deserves more than that.

Lilro

Ok...I'm sorry but, let me get this straight. You are married, unemployed, had an affair, financially ( unsure how if you were/are unemployed ) helping your mistress and now that you realized she is a drunk with too much drama you have seen the light from our side?
I'm confused.

Justincredible

I'm getting a serious "troll" vibe from this post. Don't play into it people.

Thomas45

I think he gets the point by now, no need to beat a dead horse.

To sogladnow, stay strong in your recovery and continue actively working the steps of the program that you are in. As you stay active in the steps, you will have greater insight as to how alcoholism affected not only you, but your wife as well. But make sure you actively work the steps.

sogladnow

I am not trolling nor am I alone in my mistake.

My wife has suffered a great deal as have my children. I shouldn't have had an affair, this is completely true. I bitterly regret it now.

Alcoholism is very isolating, my drinking friends have gone and a lot of people turned their back on me due to my behaviour.

Finding someone who accepted me with all my faults and wanted to spend time with me was very very attractive to me. I knew it was wrong, she knew it was wrong. We were both lonely and suddenly I had someone in my life who wanted to be with me rather than tolerated me.
In AA there are a lot of lonely people. We all share deeply personal stuff. This breeds intimacy. Unfortunately it can lead on to what happened with me.
If anyone is contemplating doing what I did then I can only say that whilst it can be very attractive as an idea the reality for me was it was very damaging. I was tempted to join her in her relapses, I discovered how frustratingly impossible drinking alcoholics are to help, especially hurtful when you love them, and at the end of it I was dropped without so much as a decent goodbye. I was warned, I didn't listen, I have learned from it, I am moving on. Step 4. Step 5.

noinsanity2423

That's the one thing I don't like about AA. I like Celebrate Recovery's method of dividing the genders better because it avoids the infamous step 13. At least you told someone instead of keeping it a secret. I hope your wife and children find a healthy way to heal from this.

schnappi99

AA and Alanon groups I attend are real careful about gender and sex issues. Its a tricky problem because there are a lot of sick people in both rooms. There are quite a few single-gender AA and Alanon meetings around here for those who want to attend them. I like the single-gender meetings because it gets sex/romance out of the way which is important for some kinds of discussion- though as my sponsor points out the detailed sex/romance issues are best left to one-on-one discussions.

soglad, if you don't have a sponsor I'd urge you to get one to handle this issue. Not that you can't do the steps without one but they sure can help get clarity.

DesertEyes

Ok folks, responses and opinions noted. The point the OP was trying to make has been made. Before this thread degenerates I am closing it.

Mike
Moderator, SR