Lightbulb moment and moving on
 

Hi all - As always, thank you for your support and insight. I don't post too much but read your posts frequently.

Long story short: after many years of staying in my marriage with AH hoping things would change, I finally had enough and left. AH (highly functional) quit drinking, is attending meetings regularly, got on anti-depressants, and decided he wants to make this marriage work. He's the guy I have been begging for for 10 years. For me it is too late. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. And I am FINALLY listening to myself.

AH is travelling for work, so I am staying at our house to take care of the pets. I am SO sad being here. I work from home, so I am here non-stop for 4 days, working and crying and mourning the loss of this relationship.

AH and I have been discussing my "feelings" and he's been asking me to please come home and give it "one more try". I cannot do it. I just can't. I don't want to. He's then been saying things like, "How can you just throw away the past 18 years? How can it be too late? Don't you miss me? Don't you like the person I am right now? If we get divorced, I'll never be able to see you again, is that what you really want?" Blah blah blah. It's been really bothering me because those are the logical questions I've been asking myself and I'm having a hard time separating the emotion of the situation from logic. So I was talking to my sister about it, and she said:

"That's the disease talking, not him. He would never say those things to you if he wasn't caught up in this addiction."

OMG. Lightbulb. He's quacking. He hasn't had a drink in 2 months and he's still freaking QUACKING. When he would drink and begin talking hurtfully, I learned to recognize that as quacking and ignored it. It never occurred to me that quacking can happen when someone is not drinking! And just like that...clarity. I'm done.

I just found out that the one close friend who has been helping me through this madness has been lying to me about something pretty significant, and has scammed me for a large sum of money.

I am heartbroken about the ending my marriage, I am heartbroken about the loss of this other friendship. I feel alone and adrift.

I have a place to stay until the end of November, then I must make other living arrangements. I have decided to move to the area where some of my family lives, 450 miles away. Am I running away? Maybe. Am I making a mistake? Maybe. I cannot be here anymore. I am starting over. After 10+ years of suppressing grief, sadness, and anger, my emotions have completely taken over my brain right now. I don't like it.

I know things will get better and I will heal. It is just so hard to see right now, and this betrayal by someone else I cared about is almost too much to bear. I feel shattered. But I am done worrying about myself last.

It's time to figure out who I am. I just realized that when I started this account back in 2008, I picked the username TimeForMe. It's sad that it's taken me this long to realize that it IS time for me.

Better late than never, no?

TimeForMe, it sounds like you've decided to make a move for yourself. You question whether you might be running away or have other less-than-good motives. At this point, I think the important thing is that you are taking action. There is a saying: We can act into thinking, but we can't think into acting. Sometimes we're just paralyzed--by choices, by fear, by a certain comfort level, by any number of things that just make it easier to stay and do nothing, dealing w/"the devil we know" than to change things and take a chance.

I understand your feelings of sadness and betrayal; I'm sorry you have both of these things to deal with at once. I can't imagine how difficult and painful it is to stay at your old house w/your pets. I truly do applaud your courage in trusting and listening to your inner voice.

Wishing you strength and clarity. Please stay in touch and let us know how you're doing. ((((Hugs)))) TFM, lots of hugs.

Running away isn't necessarily a bad thing if it is to put distance between yourself and danger (definition is left to the individual).

Things happen on YOUR time. It is YOUR life. If he is serious and gets sober (not dry) and really works at recovery, who is to say what the future will bring (for either of you).

Don't let him pressure you. Don't pressure yourself. Live life on your own terms. I think this is exactly what "taking care" of yourself means. It is not necessarily an action (though I like those too).

I think it is only fair to allow the "other" person in addiction space and time to heal and gather their thoughts - heck - the A get detox and rehab, it is the least we can take for ourselves.

He's only been sober for 2 months. Hopefully he continues. But for now it sounds like you need to take care of you. And I've read here that just like some marriages don't last neither do some divorces. Maybe he stays sober and you find yourself - who knows where that might lead. Take the time to heal, get a new perspective, go somewhere else and rediscover yourself. Maybe you're not running away - maybe you're running to something you need to find.

It is better late than never. Please go easy on yourself. It's a difficult journey, and we all struggle. Take care of yourself. Find what will bring you happiness in your life. You're worth it. The words I write to you are the same words I am telling myself to do, too.

I recently decided to take a step back from my marriage (separation) and focus on myself. This past weekend, my husband said to me: "You are putting the marriage in grave peril. This is your choice. You made this decision." *sigh* Forget what led me to the decision. I did point this out to him.

And yes, there can still be quacking in sobriety especially when the hard work to understand what led to the alcoholism isn't yet addressed. My husband was 9 months sober. He had a couple of recent slips. We have been in marriage counseling since March. Oh my gosh. The continued rationalizations, blame shifting, deflections... What I truly think happened. It was there all along. I just didn't see it. Or, see it as clearly as I do now. The blinders finally came off. I am working on mastering the art of detachment. Slowly, I might add.

Hang in there. It's a difficult decision to make. I completely understand.

TimeForMe.........it sounds like you are grieving the loss of the marriage (finally).
This is a necessary process that can't be avoided.
In order to heal....we must, first, grieve....

grieving hurts....it just does....it is like a kaleidoscope of feelings that hurt down deep into the soul....
Have faith, dear one.....it will gradually become lighter and lighter.....
don't give up on yourself.....just know that it is a necessary short-term pain for the long-term gain......

Now is the time to be with those who love you and those who understand your pain as much as possible......

It will not always feel like this......have faith that you will laugh and have joy, again.....

dandylion

You are going to be better than ever. It feels like we're just going through the motions to get through sometimes, but we DO eventually get through. What a beautiful moment that will be. Best to you!