Need support in moving on
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
Need support in moving on
I would really appreciate feedback on my situation. I feel certain that my next step is no contact, but I have a question about if I should cooperate with divorce proceedings that were sent to me via email on my birthday, yesterday.
In July, I stopped drinking and smoking weed (my main bad habit) for two reasons. One, a new job. Two, to convince my severely alcoholic husband to try to quit again. Both times he quit, he became unaffectionate, asexual, and critical of me, for which I tried to be patient, and then lashed out in extreme anger, followed by him relapsing. I kept smoking when he quit drinking those times. But this time, I was determined to both go through it together.
I managed to basically stay sober (gaining 3-7 days of not-smoking at a time), but again, I lashed out at him for not having interest in me sexually, and I questioned his sexual orientation in a very blaming way (I still wonder if he's gay, he probably is, I don't know). He started drinking again, and I moved out.
I focused on my new job and stayed sober. But I would still go visit him every couple weeks, missing him and the dog. The apartment was very sad, totally empty, not cleaned, no sheets, just him watching TV and drinking. Unable to work, or unwilling.
That was the other main reason I moved out, because there were eviction proceedings against him in that apartment, and while I tried to solve it, going to court for him and stuff (enabler), he let it happen. So the marshall came to evict him on Oct. 29.
He tried to come to my new apartment for "just one night," but I said no, because I didn't want drama for my new housemate, who had been very clear on not wanting any, and because I felt strong enough to do some tough love. He got himself evicted, so he had to find somewhere to go.
His family came to get him and took him to their home in another state. I felt relieved. I could at least not worry about no one finding him dead for days, with the poor dog there. I saw him through a few hospital stays, seizures, detox, all that. Death was a real possibility.
At the same time, my new job didn't work out. My boss was abusing me verbally and emotionally, shaming me, yelling at me, etc., and I was working 12 hour days and giving it my full heart and soul (a middle school teacher). After she said the last cruel and scary thing to me over the phone, I resigned. I had to resign from the entire department of education. But I could not tolerate being that anxious at work, especially as a first year teacher.
I called my family to come get me (from another state). Thank god, they came, and I moved home. They had a room for me, and I'm recovering here, going to my NA meetings, looking for a job.
I know I'm an enabler, and I have a rage problem. And I have and had a lot of anger at my husband. Common things. I said and text some very very nasty things and threatened divorce more than a couple times. But I still had the crazy idea that maybe if he actually stayed sober, living with his family, he would change.
I was surprised (how much in denial we can be) that he offered no support about my job fail, and stopped calling, didn't answer the phone, basically cut off contact with me. I thought it was because he was depressed and going through the detox anger feelings. I thought maybe it's better for him that I'm not around to need things from him when he goes through it. I can't get angry at him for being asexual. I STILL THOUGHT THINGS MIGHT WORK.
My birthday was coming up (this is all in the past month) and since he had done nothing for me on other birthdays, I dreaded the nothing he would give me on this one. But it was worse. Checking on his fb, I discovered he has a new romantic connection with a new girl. They are commenting on each others' pages with xoxo, all that. I tried to call him, still won't answer my call. A few hours later I got an email that he had gone through an internet divorce site, spent 300 dollars, and needed information from me to proceed with it.
I wrote back, F U. He claims he's confused, because I had called him all these names and said I wanted a divorce. But we've slept together since then, before he got evicted. I feel he knows that I still love him and always did. But he's turned it around so that I'm the one who wants the divorce and he's just doing what I want and said I wanted. I know it's BS. I know he just wants to move on and not deal with how he hurt me, or do any real recovery work, even if he is sober. He wants a fix from a new gal who will make him feel more confident and manly and distract him from the mess.
I see that there's no hope. But I'm stupid or crazy, because I feel that there "could be." I cannot forget our good times and our connection. But I see clearly that he doesn't love me, because love is action. He hasn't treated me with love. He's tossing me away. I know it's typical. I've read similar stories on here. My plan is just to wait until the spring to deal with the divorce. I feel like newly sober people shouldn't make such big decisions. Am I being silly to wait? It feels too painful. My mom wants me to just cooperate and get it over with.
Hurts real bad
I'm trying to tell myself it's like when you slam your finger/nail in a door and it hurts SO BAD but then it DOES PASS. Advice? Commiseration?
In July, I stopped drinking and smoking weed (my main bad habit) for two reasons. One, a new job. Two, to convince my severely alcoholic husband to try to quit again. Both times he quit, he became unaffectionate, asexual, and critical of me, for which I tried to be patient, and then lashed out in extreme anger, followed by him relapsing. I kept smoking when he quit drinking those times. But this time, I was determined to both go through it together.
I managed to basically stay sober (gaining 3-7 days of not-smoking at a time), but again, I lashed out at him for not having interest in me sexually, and I questioned his sexual orientation in a very blaming way (I still wonder if he's gay, he probably is, I don't know). He started drinking again, and I moved out.
I focused on my new job and stayed sober. But I would still go visit him every couple weeks, missing him and the dog. The apartment was very sad, totally empty, not cleaned, no sheets, just him watching TV and drinking. Unable to work, or unwilling.
That was the other main reason I moved out, because there were eviction proceedings against him in that apartment, and while I tried to solve it, going to court for him and stuff (enabler), he let it happen. So the marshall came to evict him on Oct. 29.
He tried to come to my new apartment for "just one night," but I said no, because I didn't want drama for my new housemate, who had been very clear on not wanting any, and because I felt strong enough to do some tough love. He got himself evicted, so he had to find somewhere to go.
His family came to get him and took him to their home in another state. I felt relieved. I could at least not worry about no one finding him dead for days, with the poor dog there. I saw him through a few hospital stays, seizures, detox, all that. Death was a real possibility.
At the same time, my new job didn't work out. My boss was abusing me verbally and emotionally, shaming me, yelling at me, etc., and I was working 12 hour days and giving it my full heart and soul (a middle school teacher). After she said the last cruel and scary thing to me over the phone, I resigned. I had to resign from the entire department of education. But I could not tolerate being that anxious at work, especially as a first year teacher.
I called my family to come get me (from another state). Thank god, they came, and I moved home. They had a room for me, and I'm recovering here, going to my NA meetings, looking for a job.
I know I'm an enabler, and I have a rage problem. And I have and had a lot of anger at my husband. Common things. I said and text some very very nasty things and threatened divorce more than a couple times. But I still had the crazy idea that maybe if he actually stayed sober, living with his family, he would change.
I was surprised (how much in denial we can be) that he offered no support about my job fail, and stopped calling, didn't answer the phone, basically cut off contact with me. I thought it was because he was depressed and going through the detox anger feelings. I thought maybe it's better for him that I'm not around to need things from him when he goes through it. I can't get angry at him for being asexual. I STILL THOUGHT THINGS MIGHT WORK.
My birthday was coming up (this is all in the past month) and since he had done nothing for me on other birthdays, I dreaded the nothing he would give me on this one. But it was worse. Checking on his fb, I discovered he has a new romantic connection with a new girl. They are commenting on each others' pages with xoxo, all that. I tried to call him, still won't answer my call. A few hours later I got an email that he had gone through an internet divorce site, spent 300 dollars, and needed information from me to proceed with it.
I wrote back, F U. He claims he's confused, because I had called him all these names and said I wanted a divorce. But we've slept together since then, before he got evicted. I feel he knows that I still love him and always did. But he's turned it around so that I'm the one who wants the divorce and he's just doing what I want and said I wanted. I know it's BS. I know he just wants to move on and not deal with how he hurt me, or do any real recovery work, even if he is sober. He wants a fix from a new gal who will make him feel more confident and manly and distract him from the mess.
I see that there's no hope. But I'm stupid or crazy, because I feel that there "could be." I cannot forget our good times and our connection. But I see clearly that he doesn't love me, because love is action. He hasn't treated me with love. He's tossing me away. I know it's typical. I've read similar stories on here. My plan is just to wait until the spring to deal with the divorce. I feel like newly sober people shouldn't make such big decisions. Am I being silly to wait? It feels too painful. My mom wants me to just cooperate and get it over with.
Hurts real bad
I'm trying to tell myself it's like when you slam your finger/nail in a door and it hurts SO BAD but then it DOES PASS. Advice? Commiseration?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
uuuuummmmm, I'm going to go with your mom here. I didn't see anywhere anything that you are getting out of this r/s with him. You want to stay sober, he wants to party. He found a gf to party with him.
I really would recommend that you stay here and keep posting, you'll have plenty of friends here, I would also recommend therapy for your anger issue. I only brought that up, because you said that. Anger is an emotion. It can be a good one where you look to change your life, or it can be a bad one, where you feel vindictive.
After writing that, I do feel that you just want a life that you can enjoy. I think to get there, you need to figure out what you really want.
BTW, everyone who comes here, says, but I love him. Sometimes I think that is really debatable. I thought I loved my ex, till I realized when I divorced (271/2) that I just wanted to be right.
Sometimes being right doesn't = being happy.
Take this time for yourself, get calm, start getting to know you again, start loving yourself.
We have a really terrific family here, and I hope you become part of it
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
I really would recommend that you stay here and keep posting, you'll have plenty of friends here, I would also recommend therapy for your anger issue. I only brought that up, because you said that. Anger is an emotion. It can be a good one where you look to change your life, or it can be a bad one, where you feel vindictive.
After writing that, I do feel that you just want a life that you can enjoy. I think to get there, you need to figure out what you really want.
BTW, everyone who comes here, says, but I love him. Sometimes I think that is really debatable. I thought I loved my ex, till I realized when I divorced (271/2) that I just wanted to be right.
Sometimes being right doesn't = being happy.
Take this time for yourself, get calm, start getting to know you again, start loving yourself.
We have a really terrific family here, and I hope you become part of it
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi
Ok, first things first..Happy Birthday!
Do not send him any information for his ridiculous $300.00 internet divorce. Please contact an attorney. Yes, I agree with your mom, as upsetting as it is in my opinion it is time for you to move forward. Do you really want to spend any more time with a guy who has a relapse everytime you have an argument? ( good excuse for him, I'm not buying it but PARTY ON ).
You already know the nonsense he is throwing at you is just that. Of course he is going to turn it around on you... Who's he going to blame? His new girlfriend?
You have a family who loves you and is looking out for YOU. Do yourself a favor and stay off of his facebook page, block it if you have to. I wish you nothing but the best...
Oh and PS.... Lucky her!
Ro
Ok, first things first..Happy Birthday!
Do not send him any information for his ridiculous $300.00 internet divorce. Please contact an attorney. Yes, I agree with your mom, as upsetting as it is in my opinion it is time for you to move forward. Do you really want to spend any more time with a guy who has a relapse everytime you have an argument? ( good excuse for him, I'm not buying it but PARTY ON ).
You already know the nonsense he is throwing at you is just that. Of course he is going to turn it around on you... Who's he going to blame? His new girlfriend?
You have a family who loves you and is looking out for YOU. Do yourself a favor and stay off of his facebook page, block it if you have to. I wish you nothing but the best...
Oh and PS.... Lucky her!
Ro
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: LBC, CA
Posts: 203
Faith444, I am with the others and just move on. With everything you wrote about your situation it sounds like there is no love in the relationship. As you said, love is actionable, but being verbally abusive is not really showing love. Not giving him a place to sleep when he was evicted, if the intention was to work things out, probably made him feel abandoned.
I would say to move on, he already has. The longer you keep hope that things will work out the more it will eat at you. Focus on you.
I would say to move on, he already has. The longer you keep hope that things will work out the more it will eat at you. Focus on you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I just recently saw this:
When a relationship is over, leave. Don’t continue watering a dead flower.
I agree, move on with divorce BUT retain your own attorney and proceed that way.
There will always be pain at endings. We can’t push off or delay that pain by not dealing with it.
The fact you saw he moved on and has a new GF stirred up lots of emotions in you, enough emotions where you attempted to reach out to him and was rejected by him not answering your call. His follow up email regarding that call was just filled with blame and no self -sorrow or remorse on his part.
When a relationship is over, leave. Don’t continue watering a dead flower.
I agree, move on with divorce BUT retain your own attorney and proceed that way.
There will always be pain at endings. We can’t push off or delay that pain by not dealing with it.
The fact you saw he moved on and has a new GF stirred up lots of emotions in you, enough emotions where you attempted to reach out to him and was rejected by him not answering your call. His follow up email regarding that call was just filled with blame and no self -sorrow or remorse on his part.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I said and text some very very nasty things and threatened divorce more than a couple times.
But he's turned it around so that I'm the one who wants the divorce and he's just doing what I want and said I wanted.
you DID say you wanted a divorce, many times. there is a history of rage and lashing out, you went so far as to accuse him of being gay.....it seems it really is in everybody's best interests to put a fork in this and call it done. set yourself FREE.
But he's turned it around so that I'm the one who wants the divorce and he's just doing what I want and said I wanted.
you DID say you wanted a divorce, many times. there is a history of rage and lashing out, you went so far as to accuse him of being gay.....it seems it really is in everybody's best interests to put a fork in this and call it done. set yourself FREE.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Faith,
Happy Birthday!!
I am sorry about what a mess everything has become. Addiction ruins a lot of homes, and it looks like yours has been affected also. We all understand that you love your addict, that is why you are here. Looking for answers on how to "save" your marriage because you love him.
You have to understand that addicts need enablers. The new gf is just that. Someone who will buy things for him, or drive him to the bar or anything else he needs. She probably drinks her self and loves another person to drink with. So if it wasn't her it would be someone else. Don't take it personally, you are not partying anymore so he lost that with you.
I agree about not making any major decisions. I would also hit an alanon and AA meetings. You need to get some clarity in your life and I think these places could do that. Its' great that you don't have to see him everyday and I would also block him on FB as that could really derail you getting healthy. You don't need to see the crxp he is posting. NO new contact means no new hurts.
Take some time and get your head on straight. Give your self 30 days with out contact and see how you are doing. At that time you can seek an attorney or what ever you need to do. Unless you are strong enough to follow through with what you want to do, it will never happen.
Hugs my friend, protect your sobriety with your life!!
Happy Birthday!!
I am sorry about what a mess everything has become. Addiction ruins a lot of homes, and it looks like yours has been affected also. We all understand that you love your addict, that is why you are here. Looking for answers on how to "save" your marriage because you love him.
You have to understand that addicts need enablers. The new gf is just that. Someone who will buy things for him, or drive him to the bar or anything else he needs. She probably drinks her self and loves another person to drink with. So if it wasn't her it would be someone else. Don't take it personally, you are not partying anymore so he lost that with you.
I agree about not making any major decisions. I would also hit an alanon and AA meetings. You need to get some clarity in your life and I think these places could do that. Its' great that you don't have to see him everyday and I would also block him on FB as that could really derail you getting healthy. You don't need to see the crxp he is posting. NO new contact means no new hurts.
Take some time and get your head on straight. Give your self 30 days with out contact and see how you are doing. At that time you can seek an attorney or what ever you need to do. Unless you are strong enough to follow through with what you want to do, it will never happen.
Hugs my friend, protect your sobriety with your life!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 64
I can't be the only one on here who has said really angry things while still loving the person, just frustrated to death. That doesn't mean I don't love him. Having rageful fights seems to go with the codependence and alcoholism. I feel like bc I admit my part in it, people say that there's no love. It's not true. There was a lot of love. I showed a lot of love. He spoke words of love, just always chose alcohol over me. But why do I always feel like crap from the responses here? I would like to hear it validated that I loved him, but I have my own issues with anger, and the situation made me snap many times. I had a past with addiction, but I embraced recovery. I would like someone to be on my side, and say how wrong it is that he's throwing our marriage away, when he knows I love him. I can analyze what he's doing, that he's incapable of showing empathy or love or anything to me. That he blames me for everything. That he wants an easy fix to his pain and guilt (new girl, dump the ole wife). But I also want it validated that I still love him and irrationally want and hoped it would work. In any case, I gave the information he wanted to proceed with the divorce. It's happening. But it would be nice if people on here seemed to understand better that dysfuctional couples fight nasty, but they can still love each other in the only ways they know how. And there's still some good in it, in between the hurts and fights. There's still all the times we laughed and walked and slept together and took care of pets and talked well and hoped about the future. It isn't all crap. And it isn't all my fault. And he's saying it's all my fault. And it sounds like you guys are too. Can't you see how I would feel? If not, okay. But "stick a fork in it, it's done" seems so cold. It's not done in my heart. I guess it's done for him though, and that's all that matters. It may not be right to say the mean things I said, but I feel like most normal people can be cruel when pushed so far. You shouldn't judge me. Yes, things got ugly. But that's not that uncommon. Does it make it unsalvagable? Why does this feel like all my fault? Why isn't anyone holding him accountable for the ways he provoked and abandoned me so many times? I wanted comfort, and I feel judged, and my marriage judged as a total fail. It was a mess, and it clearly is over now, but why do I still love and remember love if it was and is nothing. Now I just feel stupid and crazy. And mad too.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sure there is PLENTY to be mad and sad about. Nobody's saying you shouldn't feel that way--we all sure did.
The thing is, feeding those feelings doesn't help YOU. Feel them, but don't feed them. It isn't fun feeling that way--I sure didn't like it.
The situation is what the situation is. Nothing we can say--nothing you can do--will change it. The only thing in your power to change is yourself.
We can't fix your marriage or give you "justice". We can, however, offer our own experiences about how we were able to get past feeling miserable and angry all the time.
The thing is, feeding those feelings doesn't help YOU. Feel them, but don't feed them. It isn't fun feeling that way--I sure didn't like it.
The situation is what the situation is. Nothing we can say--nothing you can do--will change it. The only thing in your power to change is yourself.
We can't fix your marriage or give you "justice". We can, however, offer our own experiences about how we were able to get past feeling miserable and angry all the time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Faith-I do hear you and understand you. Truly. I could write your post. I was a ball of rage for a long time....so incredibly angry at him and I did lash out. Absolutely. He didn't cause that-that was ME. Just like I didn't cause him to do what he's done-that is on HIM. That being said, I did truly love him. Truly. And I don't wish any harm for him or anything like that-I want the best for him, but am no longer enabling or coddling or lying about his actions. That is love.
Anger is a great impetus to change-if you let it be. Your feelings are valid-absolutely. But don't feed them or you get caught in a nasty cycle. What issues did you bring to the relationship? Rage, etc? Those should be your focus now....to build a healthier life no matter what he does.
Anger is a great impetus to change-if you let it be. Your feelings are valid-absolutely. But don't feed them or you get caught in a nasty cycle. What issues did you bring to the relationship? Rage, etc? Those should be your focus now....to build a healthier life no matter what he does.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Faith-I just reread your original post-it is hard to stomach the crazy that gets thrown your way while living with an addict-sometimes it feels like surviving, and not living. That being said, you did threaten divorce....many times. I did that, too. And I didn't ever want the divorce-I wanted my husband to stop his **** and get help for what he had admitted many times he knew were problems. That's what I wanted. And my ex threatened me too-and I knew there were things I needed to fix on my side of the street. Absolutely. 100%. I finally did. But threatening divorce is a pretty bad barometer for a relationship. It does sound like it became toxic...and that's not a good place to be. It's okay to say, I loved him and it's time to move on to a healthier better place. That is accepting reality. Maybe you get healthy, he gets healthy and in the future you can have a real, mature healthy good relationship-or not. Who knows! That's the beauty of life!
BUT getting to the root of your anger-what drove that-THAT is progress....anger is firmly rooted in fear, period. What fears were there-fear of abandobment? Fear of being alone? Fear of......that would be a good place to start. You have to start somewhere....otherwise you're stuck,
BUT getting to the root of your anger-what drove that-THAT is progress....anger is firmly rooted in fear, period. What fears were there-fear of abandobment? Fear of being alone? Fear of......that would be a good place to start. You have to start somewhere....otherwise you're stuck,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: LBC, CA
Posts: 203
Originally Posted by Faith444 
I can't be the only one on here who has said really angry things while still loving the person, just frustrated to death. That doesn't mean I don't love him. Having rageful fights seems to go with the codependence and alcoholism. I feel like bc I admit my part in it, people say that there's no love. It's not true. There was a lot of love. I showed a lot of love. He spoke words of love, just always chose alcohol over me. But why do I always feel like crap from the responses here? I would like to hear it validated that I loved him, but I have my own issues with anger, and the situation made me snap many times. I had a past with addiction, but I embraced recovery. I would like someone to be on my side, and say how wrong it is that he's throwing our marriage away, when he knows I love him. I can analyze what he's doing, that he's incapable of showing empathy or love or anything to me. That he blames me for everything. That he wants an easy fix to his pain and guilt (new girl, dump the ole wife). But I also want it validated that I still love him and irrationally want and hoped it would work. In any case, I gave the information he wanted to proceed with the divorce. It's happening. But it would be nice if people on here seemed to understand better that dysfuctional couples fight nasty, but they can still love each other in the only ways they know how. And there's still some good in it, in between the hurts and fights. There's still all the times we laughed and walked and slept together and took care of pets and talked well and hoped about the future. It isn't all crap. And it isn't all my fault. And he's saying it's all my fault. And it sounds like you guys are too. Can't you see how I would feel? If not, okay. But "stick a fork in it, it's done" seems so cold. It's not done in my heart. I guess it's done for him though, and that's all that matters. It may not be right to say the mean things I said, but I feel like most normal people can be cruel when pushed so far. You shouldn't judge me. Yes, things got ugly. But that's not that uncommon. Does it make it unsalvagable? Why does this feel like all my fault? Why isn't anyone holding him accountable for the ways he provoked and abandoned me so many times? I wanted comfort, and I feel judged, and my marriage judged as a total fail. It was a mess, and it clearly is over now, but why do I still love and remember love if it was and is nothing. Now I just feel stupid and crazy. And mad too.
None of us our in your situation. We only know what you told us. I don't see the end of your relationship as his fault or your fault only: it takes two to make or break a relationship. Your both at fault and made missteps when compromise, understanding, or other positive reinforcement of the relationship should have occurred.
He decided to move along from a relationship that wasn't working for him. People move on. It hurts a lot for the person trying to hold on but at this point he isn't trying to hurt you on purpose. At this point your own feelings for him are hurting you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
I know I lashed out in anger a few different times. I did let myself get to that point, and it took a little while to sort those anger issues out and let go of them. But in the moment, it did feel like I was forced into it.
For me, it was akin to a frightened dog in a corner. I felt the need to protect myself by biting back. Sometimes it was a way of hurting him so he could feel how he made me feel. In the moment, it feels justified. However, in a healthy relationship, it's something you have to learn to get past. We teach ourselves a lot of unhealthy habits when trying to keep a relationship with an alcoholic together.
And that is CERTAINLY understandable. In a normal relationship, you work and compromise. When you are in a dysfunctional one, you still do this, but it goes awry, and leads to learning some unhealthy behavior. Lashing out is not an unusual reaction, and when that is coupled with resentment that it sounds like you've been having to internally deal with (because he wasn't there emotionally) it can get ugly. These are things that are under your control, and you'll be able to get a handle on them with the right support, but when you're in situations where you do feel unsupported emotionally by the one you love, it doesn't feel like it's in your control.
And for you, it is still very raw. Emotions are amplified. Adding to this, you're coming out of something where a lot (or maybe even all) of the blame was placed on you. Even though the rational thought is that - no, even if I could take some blame here, I'm not to blame for everything - it takes a while for the emotions to catch up. I was in this state when I made my first post, and I took some things pretty personally, because in my emotional mind I still kept having that echo that everything was my fault. Anything that was "my responsibility" felt a lot more weighted than it really was.
In the end for me, I could have sat stoic on a chair and let my ex rant and rage until he passed out. I could have acted so many different ways - it probably wouldn't have mattered, because he was and probably still is controlled by his addiction, and it always came first. Once I stepped out of it and got some space from it all, I could look back and see who I had become in that relationship, and it was hard to see. It was a good wake up call for me, though. I saw how I'd let myself drop - to his level, really - for the sake of the relationship.
I was able to see the nasty habits I'd picked up that wouldn't fly in a healthy relationship. Things that slowly became "normal." Things I never want to put myself in a position to pick up again. Doesn't feel like it right now because it's still fresh for you, but there's a lot of strength in recognizing these things and working through them to be healthy again.
As far as your relationship, it sounds like you've made the best decision for yourself to allow you to let go and start healing. It does hurt to see that the person you love seems to love alcohol more than you. Been there. It's gut-wrenching. However, a person that loves an addiction more than a person is a person that can't properly love. As much as you love him, he is simply unable to love you in the way you deserve as long as he's indulging in an addiciton. None of those actions are a reflection of you - that's a reflection of the sad hold addiction has on him.
It does get better though. Take it one day at a time, keep getting the support you need, and keep coming back. I know it helped me a lot to talk things out like this in the beginning, as well as realizing that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy.
Best of luck, and I hope you had some time to enjoy your birthday. If not, please take that time.
For me, it was akin to a frightened dog in a corner. I felt the need to protect myself by biting back. Sometimes it was a way of hurting him so he could feel how he made me feel. In the moment, it feels justified. However, in a healthy relationship, it's something you have to learn to get past. We teach ourselves a lot of unhealthy habits when trying to keep a relationship with an alcoholic together.
And that is CERTAINLY understandable. In a normal relationship, you work and compromise. When you are in a dysfunctional one, you still do this, but it goes awry, and leads to learning some unhealthy behavior. Lashing out is not an unusual reaction, and when that is coupled with resentment that it sounds like you've been having to internally deal with (because he wasn't there emotionally) it can get ugly. These are things that are under your control, and you'll be able to get a handle on them with the right support, but when you're in situations where you do feel unsupported emotionally by the one you love, it doesn't feel like it's in your control.
And for you, it is still very raw. Emotions are amplified. Adding to this, you're coming out of something where a lot (or maybe even all) of the blame was placed on you. Even though the rational thought is that - no, even if I could take some blame here, I'm not to blame for everything - it takes a while for the emotions to catch up. I was in this state when I made my first post, and I took some things pretty personally, because in my emotional mind I still kept having that echo that everything was my fault. Anything that was "my responsibility" felt a lot more weighted than it really was.
In the end for me, I could have sat stoic on a chair and let my ex rant and rage until he passed out. I could have acted so many different ways - it probably wouldn't have mattered, because he was and probably still is controlled by his addiction, and it always came first. Once I stepped out of it and got some space from it all, I could look back and see who I had become in that relationship, and it was hard to see. It was a good wake up call for me, though. I saw how I'd let myself drop - to his level, really - for the sake of the relationship.
I was able to see the nasty habits I'd picked up that wouldn't fly in a healthy relationship. Things that slowly became "normal." Things I never want to put myself in a position to pick up again. Doesn't feel like it right now because it's still fresh for you, but there's a lot of strength in recognizing these things and working through them to be healthy again.
As far as your relationship, it sounds like you've made the best decision for yourself to allow you to let go and start healing. It does hurt to see that the person you love seems to love alcohol more than you. Been there. It's gut-wrenching. However, a person that loves an addiction more than a person is a person that can't properly love. As much as you love him, he is simply unable to love you in the way you deserve as long as he's indulging in an addiciton. None of those actions are a reflection of you - that's a reflection of the sad hold addiction has on him.
It does get better though. Take it one day at a time, keep getting the support you need, and keep coming back. I know it helped me a lot to talk things out like this in the beginning, as well as realizing that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy.
Best of luck, and I hope you had some time to enjoy your birthday. If not, please take that time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
My heart goes out to you, faith.... You are broken-hearted and hurting... When I get angry I can identify sometimes the cause... Usually it is hurt or frustration or both... There is much healing needed.... It will take time and effort and help .... Best to you...
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Faith, of course you loved him and I'm sure he loved you. You lashed out from frustration and provocation and expected him to somehow know you still loved him. Yes, angry words can be understandable but they can still cause irreversible hurt. Some guys, especially those with an addiction, have very low self-esteem and the addict will of course find an enabler. To your credit you made it clear you wouldn't enable him any more, so he's moved on.
Have you tried Al-anon? Even though the relationship is over you still have to do some processing to make sense of it all, and understand your part. It will help you think about why you lash out and how much it achieved.
Have you tried Al-anon? Even though the relationship is over you still have to do some processing to make sense of it all, and understand your part. It will help you think about why you lash out and how much it achieved.
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