amy55

I know when I was in my relationship I wasn't able to think. I was "foggy" all of the time. FOG = fear, obligation, guilt.

I think that if you were in one of these, that you may feel you have difficulties adjusting to what might be normal, and you may also still be there looking at your phone every 5 minutes for a phone call.

What was the most difficult thing for you once you got out?

For me, it was that I felt like I didn't even exist. I had lowered my boundaries so much during the marriage, that I really did ask him to just treat me like I exist. He couldn't even do that.

I have a really hard time when people ask me what would I like to do, or what movie I would like to watch, or where would you like to go out to eat................. I get panic attacks, my face gets really hot, I start to sweat, I try to think quickly in my mind trying to search for the right answer. And my friends, look at me like I am crazy, that I am almost ready to pass out over a simple question. But if anyone has been in a r/s like this, they do know it's a tricky question, and you fell for that one,, one too many times.

For anyone who didn't experience this, I'll give one experience of mine. He comes home from work. I had the chicken breaded and everything else ready to cook dinner. He wanted to go out to eat.
So he asked me where I would like to go. I know he hated spending money, so I suggested pizza, well he had that for lunch. I say, ok, chinese? reply, "Why do I always have to go to places that you like"?
OK......... Applebee's ...........his reply - I don't want to eat out and sit in a restaurant, OK, how about drive thru pick up food. He says OK.
Whew, got through that one...... No I didn't. I wanted the fish sandwich and no fries. So he did order that, he got what he wanted, and we go home. All the time now it was the silent treatment. So, I work up my nerve to ask, what's up? Well, he is going to file for a divorce, because all I got was a lousy fish sandwich, and he wanted to take me out to a nice dinner so that he could make things up to me, and I wouldn't allow that.

I have many triggers since I left, was wondering if anyone else felt these?

peggy528

Hi Amy-
I can relate to your post a lot. For me, I am extremely jumpy, I'm frightened very easily if someone unintentionally sneaks up behind me, or if I hear doors slam. Also, I remember after i left the abusive relationship with my ex- I was unable to answer questions like "what do you want to do, dinner, movie, etc" because I never chose. I was always told. So I didn't know what I liked anymore, restaurants, movies, anything.
I found that with a lot of time and healing, i was able to practice more assertiveness rather than being so passive. The reward I gained from that relationship is that I never had to choose- I could remain in a passive position because it was what I was comfortable with. Never taking risks, becoming used to that victim role. it's exciting because now you have the opportunity to learn more about yourself, likes and dislikes, and can learn to cope with those triggers in a different, healthier way. It's like living life through a new set of eyes after losing your vision for years.

ladyscribbler

I am afraid of other people's anger, even if it's not actually directed at me. I am always tempted to try to somehow defuse the situation and calm them down.
My parents both had issues with anger management, and I still feel like that scared little girl when someone around me is angry. My shoulders hunch, my stomach knots up and my brain goes into overdrive to figure out what I can do to calm them down.
It's such an automatic response for me that I don't always realize that it's happening until I catch myself jumping into "appeasement mode."

amy55

My cell phone is a really bad trigger. I hate when it is next to me and it rings. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without taking my cell phone with me. I was always expected to answer his calls, when he would run away from home, he never answered my calls.

I was told it was a cell phone, it is portable, that's why it's a cell phone, you should answer when I call.

I finally got out of carrying that cell phone around with me. Most times I don't even know where it is. So I guess that's some progress

Thomas45

Well, technically I didn't survive after I got out, I was brought back. So in that sense, the most difficult thing for me was feeling any kind of self-worth at all, since I had already cast it all aside throughout the course of the relationship - by ignoring every single boundary I had ever created for myself - for the sake of keeping the family together. That's why I tend to react very strongly when I see people posting about doing the same thing, because I know from experience that doing so just leads you down a terrible path that makes it harder to respect yourself in the end.

Next to that, seeing people in any kind of drunken condition puts me on edge very quickly.

healthyagain

Speaking of food and reactions. I just had a pizza for dinner. Bought that dough in a can and made a big pan and put my own toppings. Yum!!. And I catch myself thinking. It is 6 o'clock, and i am eating. With him it would be after 8. He would never eat this pizza without throwing a fit. I mean, I would dare to feed him this dough???? I caught myself thinking that it would not be enough for him, that he would be still hungry, and that is Uh oh.

Then washing the dishes. I still do them the way he wanted. Wash and leave them on a towel to dry. And always put a spoon or a plate under a glass, so the air gets under. I do not think I know any other way to wash.

I want to watch a show, and there are hunks in it, and I catch myself thinking he would say this or that, but then, heeeeeey he is gone! But it feels like I am cheating? Why do I even think what he is going to say if there was no abuse or control? It is almost like I am still walking on egg shells.

RedDog735

So ironic that you posted this, I am feeling a bit triggered. I know that in my experience, I was fine when I was on my own. I've never been able to make choices or my mind up. I too struggle with the "what do you want to do", "where do you want to eat?" "What do you want to watch?" questions. Is it beyond not having an opinion (I've been like this since I was very little)? I find that I also find myself waiting by my cell phone for a text/call. Only because I want to hear from him... And yikes, I must admit that today I'm feeling some anxiety because he hasn't responded in a timely manner.

Shew, Reddog, relax and take a breather.

amy55

I understand all of this. It was like we were programmed. Like Stepford spouses. I remember the movie, Sleeping With the Enemy. How every thing had to be just right, and I think even alphabetized.

I was never able to hang anything on the walls. Now I buy things and look to see if there is any available wall space left.

other triggers, just making a cup of tea. You have to let the water run for a full 5 mins before putting it in a pot to boil. (you know, there is all that sediment in there and you can die from drinking a cup of tea)

perhaps tmi, I can walk around now naked and not be told to put some clothes on because I was a horrible sight to see. (lol)

Did anyone here make toast and wait for the toast to pop up and feel that adrenaline rush like when you set off their explosion?

amy55

Oh ((((((((((((((RedDog))))))))))))))) things are going to get better. I promise. Whenever you want to call him, or you are waiting for a call post here. We care.

((((((hugs))))))
amy

THippy

My family of origin was abusive.
And to this day, I get the FOG just witnessing someone else's raw anger.
SR has been an uncomfortable place for me today.

healthyagain

Here is another one for you. Making french fries, or tater tots, baking them in owen instead of frying. But he wanted them crunchy. You know how many times I smoked up the house because I would broil them for a minute or two? To make them crunchy. Even the alarm got activated. So I stopped making fries.

You ever got silent treatmend cos tatoes were soggy? Or cos burritos unwrapped themselves? For that, he was tossing food around.

Oh the memories.

amy55

healthyagain, yep. He wanted crispy chicken parm.

When I made sauce it had to be all pureed, and when I did that, it had to be chunky.

It does make us question everything that we do.

Kboys

The remote control..
I posted this on a different thread recently...losing the tv remote always set AH off... so it sends me into a brief panic now when I can't find it.

And the dog barking... the kids crying

Kboys

It sure does!

I made a pot of coffee that was not strong enough for AH, and had some grounds in it...

Well, I obviously don't care enough about him to make him coffee the way he likes it.
And I put the kids ahead of him and if I could just put the dam baby down for a minute instead of letting him stay attached to my hip all the time, maybe I could make a better pot of coffee.....

OMG

ladyscribbler

Ugh, yes. The dog barking (AT him, because, you know, the world revolved around him, dogs never just bark), kids crying, him being woken up by anything before he was ready to get up (of course it was totally fine for him to wake us up at anytime of the day or night that he saw fit).
And about the dog. His mom's dog had a litter of puppies, so of course he told the kids that we were getting a puppy for Christmas (unless I was going to be mean like always and say no). I already knew who would be the puppy's primary caretaker, and I really didn't need anything or anyone else to take care of, but to keep the peace I gritted my teeth and said "Of course we can get a puppy."
Then we went to pick out the puppy. My ex really wanted a certain one, but my oldest son wanted a different one. Since the puppy was "for the kids" we got the one my son wanted. My ex ranted about that for years. Anytime the dog did something that dogs do- chewed something, had an accident on the rug, whatever. "If we had gotten the puppy I wanted this never would have happened."
So ridiculous.

Kboys

"If we had gotten the puppy I wanted this never would have happened."

Wow!!!

Liveitwell

I relate to so many of these. I still get triggered by things. I was doing dishes recently and found myself making sure I put dishes on the left hand side of the sink. I had so much anxiety hit me! Why, you ask? Bc my then husband told me many times/he only had two requirements of me-that I put the toilet paper roll on the holder and that dishes should be put on the left hand side of the sink. I tried my best but obviously failed many times so when he would go into a drunk terror and curse at me and scream "you don't get to tell me what I can and can't do in my own house-you don't even do the two fu**ing things I ask of you!". Or the classic drunk tirade as I'm sitting on the couch watching tv-"you know, it's pretty simple-all I want is for you to feed me and f**k me, and you don't even do that". Yep-still triggered. As if me asking him to not be a drunk ******* was on par with where I put the dishes. Sigh. Just the tip of the iceberg. I know I'll work through them.

Great threads, Amy!! Seriously. Thank you for starting-although these subjects make me uncomfortable, it's a necessary evil to work through them.

healthyagain

Ughhhh . . . the puppy. I got one a year ago. It was a part of my "detachment project," as in I will take care of the puppy, have fun, teach him tricks, take him for walks . . . and I did, but oh, the jealousy . . . so fast, he became an effing dog. In two weeks maybe. And it was tearing me inside and breaking my heart, because this was just a young puppy that I brought in a horrible home. I could not take him for a poop time without my then-husband staring at me from the balcony and giving me this hateful look. Then he would start teasing the dog, and the dog would not wanna poop, so I had to go around the building and find another spot.

hopepraylove

Hi Amy,

I made a post about triggers a little while back. One thing that I have a hard time with since leaving my ex is an obvious one, trusting someone. I find myself second guessing everyone, as well as their intentions. I'm glad I'm going to alanon and naranon. I forgot what it felt like to have a back bone...

Sending you healing vibes friend.

amy55

I got triggered last night. I did try to explain that sometimes harsh remarks to someone who is just now reaching out for help can be harmful.

I really am triggered by harsh remarks made to someone who is in a DV situation.

I know that sometimes we need to see the reality of things, but I also feel sometimes we can't see that until or unless we have someone that we can trust.

For now, I am taking a break.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

I just feel like I offend people here and that I shouldn't be here