9th step and no contact

Old 11-16-2015, 07:37 AM
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9th step and no contact

I broke up with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend about 11 months ago. I went no contact and have stuck to that. I didn't hear from him for a long time after an initial flurry. In August he messaged me via Facebook all about how I would always be the only woman for him, etc. I ignored it and double checked that I had his phone number blocked (I did).

I have since found a happy, healthy relationship that is flourishing despite a little bit of a rocky start. Last Saturday I was at a wedding with my SO and we actually posted a photo to social media for the first time. Coincidentally (or not...) I received a text message from my ex-boyfriend (new phone number, but I could tell by the content) that said, "Part of my new way of living is to atone for what I've done wrong. I am truly sorry for anything that I did to hurt you. It never was my intention. I have found a new way of living and I hope and pray that maybe you can forgive me one day." Read it and realized it sounds like he's doing the steps (good for him). I promptly blocked the number. On first reading, I just realized I had no desire to answer. I have nothing to say. I don't know that I've forgiven him, but I harbor no ill will and I've moved past it - not in terms of being in a new relationship, but in recognizing what's unhealthy for me and looking out for myself. On second read, I realize that he's not actually apologizing for anything specific. It's not like he's sat down and thought about what he did wrong (cheating on me, screaming at me, telling me he was going to punch me in the face) but he just wrote some boilerplate language and sent it.

Am I wrong in not responding and not caring that he's reached out? I asked for no contact and I feel like he should respect that, no matter what his feelings about making amends are.

PS - I forgot to add that I learned so much on here and found so much strength. I felt so trapped in a really unhealthy situation and don't know how I would have found my way out without this website and the awesome people.
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Old 11-16-2015, 07:47 AM
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I asked for no contact and I feel like he should respect that, no matter what his feelings about making amends are.
Am I wrong in not responding and not caring that he's reached out?
I think you answered your own question.
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Old 11-16-2015, 08:05 AM
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You don't owe him anything. His amends are for him, and you are not obligated to cross your boundaries in anyway to deal with them (and good for you).
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Old 11-16-2015, 08:16 AM
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Good for you to remain vigilant in NC mode. He's going to great lengths to not respect your request/boundary- wow, NEW NUMBER and everything! I wouldn't lose too much brain power about that text, either. More than likely more manipulative BS. But if not, then good for him! Just remember that a response from you is NOT a step towards his recovery.
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Old 11-16-2015, 08:24 AM
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If he was doing this through AA or a recovery program, he wouldn't have done it that way.

Good for you for maintaining your boundary. You owe him nothing.
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Old 11-16-2015, 08:32 AM
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Agreed with all the others.

You owe him nothing. Not worth your energy to try and even acknowledge his efforts. You're past the stage of needing validation or recognition from the likes of him.
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Old 11-16-2015, 08:52 AM
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You don't need someone's acknowledgement for your healing, and others do not need acknowledgment for their own healing.

Forgiveness is tricky, and many people see it as an act you do for others. Nope. It's an act you do for yourself. You forgive yourself for your own part in the situation; you forgive others for yourself and your own healing. Forgiveness is not a statement. It's a state of mind.

In his own recovery (or not, that's his issue) forgiveness for him is whether or not he can forgive himself for the things he's done. It does not depend on you at all. If he's looking for validation, that's his problem.

You're doing what is right for you - you don't have to respond back if you don't feel the need to. I'm kind of with you, as far as the timing of the response goes. I don't think there are many coincidences in life. Just keep going on your path, because it seems to be working very well for you.
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Old 11-16-2015, 03:11 PM
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unless there is more to his text, at no point does he REQUEST contact....he simply admitted he was wrong and asked that some day maybe you forgive him.

while perhaps abbreviated, it is an amends offering....there is no right or wrong way to do an amends...no formal script or pre-printed form. considering it was a text there was also a character limit to consider.

you are not AT ALL obligated to respond. you can however appreciate the effort, if you wish. many people here would be overjoyed to get an apology or an amends, half-assed or not. many people here feel that without it there can be no closure. say a prayer, wish him well in your head and heart and then be done.
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Old 11-16-2015, 05:30 PM
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The 9th step is to make amends to others unless it would do harm. If it would harm you, you're under no obligation to message him back. If he needs to do it for himself, he can write you a letter that he never sends. If it's that important for him to get a response, then he's baiting a trap to get you to talk to him. Only time will tell. You get to choose when you message him back, and the boundaries are for you. If he gets well, he can do it on his own. After all, he was able to drink on his own, right?
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Old 11-17-2015, 09:47 AM
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Hi
It sounds to me as if you have moved past him....keep going.... And GOOD FOR YOU!
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Old 11-18-2015, 06:38 PM
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QueSera,

I kind of go back and forth on a couple things about his amends... If he knows he is blocked and deliberately texted you from a different number, that's kind of creepy. But I'm not sure how you would feel about an actual paper letter, which seems kind of more respectful....

As for forgiveness... I'm having a hard time with that. I think that amends are about showing the people we have wronged that we are truly sorry for the wreckage of our past. As one person said, there is no boilerplate language. We have to say it our own way. I tend to believe though that it's really not our right to expect forgiveness. Forgiveness is lovely and welcomed, but it's a bonus really. It's about honestly atoning for our mistakes. What you do (or don't do) in response is entirely up to you.

One thing I'm sure of: you owe him nothing. Nothing at all. Respond if you like, but only if you want to.
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Old 11-19-2015, 04:59 AM
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I agree with biminiblue. An amends is not an apology!

He's pretending to live differently.....just another game play on his part.....

Keep moving forward!!!
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Old 11-19-2015, 08:43 AM
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Thanks for the input everyone. I've decided to just let it be and not answer. I see nothing good that can come from there being any contact.

Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
unless there is more to his text, at no point does he REQUEST contact....he simply admitted he was wrong and asked that some day maybe you forgive him.
While I agree that he doesn't REQUEST contact, sending me a text is MAKING contact, which I have very clearly requested he not do. I guess it felt like a violation of the boundary that I had set and it bothered me.
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Old 11-19-2015, 08:50 AM
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Well, you are right. He shouldn't have contacted you. Hold your line.
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