AH left me for ex 4 days ago. Struggling this morning

Old 11-15-2015, 06:22 AM
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AH left me for ex 4 days ago. Struggling this morning

I have been posting quite a bit recently because I am going through hard times and really need support. On Wednesday, my AH left me and our 2 babies. He packed his suitcase and left while I was at a doctor's appt. The nanny texted me to tell me. He has gone to shack up with his ex girlfriend whom he shares a teenage son with. Although their son is staying with his grandmother. His ex just split from her husband the week before. This morning I am struggling with the fact that he chose her over us. She is an alcoholic too. And she is a mean and vicious woman. She has beat the crap out of my ex before. She broke a mop over his back a few years ago. She has tried to run him over with a car. She is vulgar and rude and vile. She has no compassion and when she drinks she gets violent. I think this is why her husband kicked her out. A few years ago, she beat her best friend over the head with a cast iron skillet. I don't understand. I am hard-working and not violent. I tried to build a family with him and all he seems to have been able to do over the years is think about her, call her about our problems and run to her when things don't go his way. Is it really as simple as them being so much alike that that's why they seem to cling to each other for dear life? I'm feeling sad and a bit inadequate this morning. How can a woman that behaves this way really be a better alternative to a wife that loves this man and his 2 babies?
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Old 11-15-2015, 06:35 AM
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I don't have any words to explain his choices for you, because you and I are not alcoholics so we can't understand what he's thinking or why he's thinking it.
It sounds like her standards are pretty low so he won't have to try very hard to meet them. But you and your babies deserve a better life than that mess you just described.
I guess this is where the one day at a time thing kicks in. Just keep moving forward for today. You and your babies don't have to deal with any "crazy" today.
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Old 11-15-2015, 06:40 AM
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He is an addict, active in his addiction and desperate to make life happen on his terms.

I know this is impossible to accept right now, but it literally has nothing to do with you or anything you have done. Or not done. It is not a contest between you and her. It is a life and death struggle between his drinking and everything else in the world.

When I was feeling the way you do, it was because the situation reinforced some deeply held beliefs in me that I was not good enough to be loved and cared for the way I wanted to be. I had to find a way to love and care for myself without requiring that validation from someone else before I could really look at the alcoholics in my life and understand that everything they did to me they were really doing to themselves, and I had been caught in the cross fire.
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Old 11-15-2015, 06:41 AM
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Sorry you got caught on the crossfire of these two people whose diseases have taken over their lives long ago.

My prayer for you is you get to a face-to-face Alanon meeting, find a sponsor and work the steps. There's nothing inherently wrong with you at all. When you can find tools and a relationship with a Higher Power you will know just how much you are worth.

I also suggest lots of Alanon phone meetings at this time. Like, all day if you need to.

Take good care of you and those babies rather than focusing on the alcoholics which will get you nowhere.
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Old 11-15-2015, 07:10 AM
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If you came between him and his ability to drink in comfort......then, you will be viewed as an enemy.....
In reality, this is not about you as compared to her.....it is not about either of you...It is about him and the alcohol which rules his life and all of his actions, decisions and attitudes.

He is an alcoholic...alcohol is in charge.....that is the way it works. It just is.

You will need to heal.....it will be uncomfortable for a while...but, it is short-term pain for the long-term gain (in the big picture of your life).

There is a saying......"Let go or be dragged"......
Ask yourself if that is what you want for yourself and those innocent little children.......they don't even get a vote.....

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Old 11-15-2015, 07:16 AM
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Heather-
Looking in from the outside its easy for us to say, but this isn't about you being inadequate in any way, but about him sinking to a level in which he feels comfortable. He probably wishes he could be good enough for you, but until he can get his disease controlled he can't be, so it's easy to move to a place where expectations are low and he can drink and act however he wants.
Give yourself and your babies all the love that he's not capable of giving! Prayers going out for you and your family.
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Old 11-15-2015, 08:03 AM
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Good advice here, Heather.

I'm sorry for what brings you here.

I'm sure it seems like he picked her over you, he may even be saying it that way. But that's not it. He's so addicted he can't see past alcohol. Alcohol is running the show, and alcohol wants him to be in an environment where he can drink without feeling bad about it.

I hope you can find some face to face support like alanon and counseling. keep posting. You deserve to have people around you who are good to you and your babies.
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Old 11-15-2015, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by heather59901 View Post
.... How can a woman that behaves this way really be a better alternative to a wife that loves this man and his 2 babies?
Because he can let himself being run by his addiction whithout a sober person being in the way. Like attracks like!

Actually they both "choose" to live in hell with each other.
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Old 11-15-2015, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by heather59901 View Post
And she is a mean and vicious woman. She has beat the crap out of my ex before. She broke a mop over his back a few years ago. She has tried to run him over with a car. She is vulgar and rude and vile. She has no compassion and when she drinks she gets violent. I think this is why her husband kicked her out. A few years ago, she beat her best friend over the head with a cast iron skillet.
Heather, this is the same guy who told you "Are you dead? So was my 45 minutes really that tragic to your life?" when you told him you were having suicidal thoughts and needed support.

This is the same guy who has been physically abusive to you and laughed it off.

This is the same guy who has been mentally abusive to you time and time again.

This is the same guy who has lied about his state of recovery so that he could finish his rehab program faster and go back to drinking alcohol and smoking pot.

This is the same guy who has been trying to back out from the relationship since 2013, and then toying with you emotionally by drawing you back in only to push you away.

This is the same guy you've been trying to clean up since 2010 and he's never shown a genuine desire to clean himself up.

My dear, he uses people for his own enjoyment and casts them aside when they aren't convenient for him any more.

I know you want to make things work for the sake of your family, but he has shown you over the last 5 years that he is not capable of maintaining a healthy relationship. Think of how your babies will be impacted throughout their entire lives if they grow up in a home environment like this. The relationships we engage in are the same ones that we observe in our formative years, and all you have to do to confirm this is look at the thousands upon thousands of introduction posts from people who grew up in toxic family environments that ended up in relationships with toxic individuals.

Rejection hurts, but all things considered Heather, him not being there gives your children a far better chance of growing up in a sane environment.

He is abusive, and his ex girlfriend is abusive. They sound like two dysfunctional peas in a crazy pod. Let them deal with each other's insanity for a change, because you don't need that kind of toxicity in your life or in your children's lives.
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Old 11-16-2015, 07:03 PM
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You know, I'm reading this thread and I don't have any back story yet but what's been posted and I'm going to tell you what I think, even though you are completely heart sick right now. You ready?


Yes doing you a favor. Yes, a huge favor. You need a man n not a God Damn project. He's a project. Let him go. This is not about you or anything you did. It's about him being able to drink without someone interfering. He won't get that with her because she'll be drinking with him. He can treat her like **** because she's just as vile n will fight him like a man. He can call her a who're n she won't bat an eye. She won't beg him to stay if he leaves for days on end because she's probably use to having men come n go.

You need to look your children in their precious faces and say to yourself, My child, you deserve more than what this man has given you and me. And go out and do it. When he calls you, do not answer. When he comes home, do not let him in. He left. He can stay gone. File for divorce and get some spousal support and child support. He has responsibilities that need met. If he wants to drink, he can go be a drunk but he needs to pay for those children.

I'm sorry you're hurt. But what a wonderful gift he's given you by leaving n taking his drink and ******** with him.
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