Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse and sometimes worse
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lexie.....thanks for this excellent article!
One of the things that I often think about is that, perhaps the most vitally important aspect of groups such as alanon and AA and other similar groups is the human connection....sort of like the "sanctuary" mentioned in the article.
Human connection....and emotional safety within such a group, I think is healing within itself.
I think of how often the first visit to alanon is the ability to cry....almost universally reported.....and, the report of "feeling better" even before sharing, etc......That shows that something powerful is happening.....
I, also, think about how often it is reported, here, on SR, about isolation.....especially by those who have been suffering abuse....It is the first tool of the abuser, of course. Also, self imposed isolation.....any isolation for those who have been hurt in body or mind or spirtit has got to be the worst of all the damage to those who have been hurt.
I also think about other things.....about AA meetings and the 12 steps....they have human connection/reconnection all over most aspects......possibly the best therapy that can be had......(and free).
I remember my experiences of the abused and traumatized animals that I have cared for....and, watched them re-emerge under safe and patient and gentle
experience.
I also think that most of the problems of aging in our eastern culture are due to social isolation as the bottom line......
Another thought that I have as I look around at more and more people with their heads fixated to the electronic instruments in their hands.....and wonder what kind of inter human experiences that are missing.....and what will be the long term effects......
These are some of my simple human musings that the article reinforces......
dandylion
One of the things that I often think about is that, perhaps the most vitally important aspect of groups such as alanon and AA and other similar groups is the human connection....sort of like the "sanctuary" mentioned in the article.
Human connection....and emotional safety within such a group, I think is healing within itself.
I think of how often the first visit to alanon is the ability to cry....almost universally reported.....and, the report of "feeling better" even before sharing, etc......That shows that something powerful is happening.....
I, also, think about how often it is reported, here, on SR, about isolation.....especially by those who have been suffering abuse....It is the first tool of the abuser, of course. Also, self imposed isolation.....any isolation for those who have been hurt in body or mind or spirtit has got to be the worst of all the damage to those who have been hurt.
I also think about other things.....about AA meetings and the 12 steps....they have human connection/reconnection all over most aspects......possibly the best therapy that can be had......(and free).
I remember my experiences of the abused and traumatized animals that I have cared for....and, watched them re-emerge under safe and patient and gentle
experience.
I also think that most of the problems of aging in our eastern culture are due to social isolation as the bottom line......
Another thought that I have as I look around at more and more people with their heads fixated to the electronic instruments in their hands.....and wonder what kind of inter human experiences that are missing.....and what will be the long term effects......
These are some of my simple human musings that the article reinforces......
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I have never been physically or sexually abused. The abuse in my marriage was 100% emotional, and I can definitely testify to how much it completely destroyed who I was for a long time.
My STBXAH was emotionally and physically abused by his father as a child, and in his more coherent moments he said, on multiple occasions, that for him the emotional abuse was much worse and much harder to recover from than the physical abuse.
My STBXAH was emotionally and physically abused by his father as a child, and in his more coherent moments he said, on multiple occasions, that for him the emotional abuse was much worse and much harder to recover from than the physical abuse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'm sorry, but I strongly do not recommend Al anon ( in a DV situation) until you have gotten out of the situation that you are in. I will always recommend DV 1-800-799-SAFE until you get out and you are safe, then can go to Al anon.
DV strategies, and al anon strategies are totally different. Sometimes if you practice walking away in a DV situation, they might be reading your obit tomorrow.
DV strategies, and al anon strategies are totally different. Sometimes if you practice walking away in a DV situation, they might be reading your obit tomorrow.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I agree with you Amy. Detachment in an abusive relationship makes things worse. Because abusers see detachment as betrayal, loss of control. And they are most dangerous when losing control. And abused individuals are not codependent.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by amy55 
I think the fact is that many people in abusive relationships are also being sexually abused. They want to say "no" but they are afraid to.
I remember once my ex said to me, we can either have sex tonight, or we can fight all night.
I remember once my ex said to me, we can either have sex tonight, or we can fight all night.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I hope that you can also see that this is a form of sexual abuse by saying that you are not good enough for him. My ex also told me that I turned him off sexual, that he didn't find me attractive. It was only because he was having a temper tantrum about something else and wanted me to feel bad about myself.
In your situation I can say it a few ways. I really do hate saying this, I do think my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. So looking at it from that perspective, your H could have realized that you might not have been able to handle sex then, so he turned to porn. After six months, he might have thought that you might be ready again, but for that intermittent period of time that he might have wanted to respect you, he also might have wanted to blame you.
Saying this, really goes against what I am about, but sometimes I need to be fair.
Just know that I am not in one way or the other telling you or suggesting what you should do. I am just saying that I am here for you..
amy
In your situation I can say it a few ways. I really do hate saying this, I do think my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. So looking at it from that perspective, your H could have realized that you might not have been able to handle sex then, so he turned to porn. After six months, he might have thought that you might be ready again, but for that intermittent period of time that he might have wanted to respect you, he also might have wanted to blame you.
Saying this, really goes against what I am about, but sometimes I need to be fair.
Just know that I am not in one way or the other telling you or suggesting what you should do. I am just saying that I am here for you..
amy
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
What I was saying there was that I was validating your feelings. Sometimes feelings are perceptions. I am also not invalidating any of your other feelings..
What I am trying to say is there were many times I didn't want to sex with the ex. I no longer wanted to feel that he only took me out (which he rarely did) just to have sex with me. So I would have my 1 drink or 2 and he knew that he would not have sex with me that night.. Not that I couldn't, I had told him that I just didn't feel anything after a beer or 2, so he would rant about how he found me sexually unattractive. Me, I just wanted one date, one date only where I felt that he wanted to be with me, with or without the sex.
So, yes, he could have been staying away from you, not to hurt you physically, but it was emotional abuse the things he said to you. He could have just talked to you about those things.
What I am trying to say is there were many times I didn't want to sex with the ex. I no longer wanted to feel that he only took me out (which he rarely did) just to have sex with me. So I would have my 1 drink or 2 and he knew that he would not have sex with me that night.. Not that I couldn't, I had told him that I just didn't feel anything after a beer or 2, so he would rant about how he found me sexually unattractive. Me, I just wanted one date, one date only where I felt that he wanted to be with me, with or without the sex.
So, yes, he could have been staying away from you, not to hurt you physically, but it was emotional abuse the things he said to you. He could have just talked to you about those things.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by amy55
I hope that you can also see that this is a form of sexual abuse by saying that you are not good enough for him. My ex also told me that I turned him off sexual, that he didn't find me attractive. It was only because he was having a temper tantrum about something else and wanted me to feel bad about myself.
In your situation I can say it a few ways. I really do hate saying this, I do think my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. So looking at it from that perspective, your H could have realized that you might not have been able to handle sex then, so he turned to porn. After six months, he might have thought that you might be ready again, but for that intermittent period of time that he might have wanted to respect you, he also might have wanted to blame you.
Saying this, really goes against what I am about, but sometimes I need to be fair.
Just know that I am not in one way or the other telling you or suggesting what you should do. I am just saying that I am here for you..
amy
In your situation I can say it a few ways. I really do hate saying this, I do think my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. So looking at it from that perspective, your H could have realized that you might not have been able to handle sex then, so he turned to porn. After six months, he might have thought that you might be ready again, but for that intermittent period of time that he might have wanted to respect you, he also might have wanted to blame you.
Saying this, really goes against what I am about, but sometimes I need to be fair.
Just know that I am not in one way or the other telling you or suggesting what you should do. I am just saying that I am here for you..
amy
As soon as I returned back to work (a new job with plenty of men in the downstairs warehouse) he couldn't keep his hands of off me. He would make sure that we had sex damn near every morning before I left for work. Now that I'm no longer in my pajamas all day, home with the baby and looking unattractive he instantly changes? Now I'm back to work, being around men all day and getting attention he's no longer turned off.....maybe just coincidence!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
You're right. I want you to have your own feelings and your own opinions. I think sometimes that when you come to a forum that sometimes they get skewed ( is that the word). What I want to hear is what you think and what you feel, that is what matters to me. I do thank you, for continuing to hold onto your feelings firmly. I know that I will, and I think this whole community here will support you in any decision that you do make. After all, you are part of our family now.
(((((((hugs))))))
amy
(((((((hugs))))))
amy
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NM
Posts: 96
My entire relationship with my ex addict fiancé was emotionally abusive towards me. The mind games were the worst part, and it's definitely subtle. I had no idea I was being emotionally abused until someone told me after I shared my story. My domestic violence counselor quantified emotional abuse as a form of domestic violence/abuse. She said it can take longer to heal than the physical kind because emotional abuse leaves no visible scars, although they are there.
I saw that someone on here mentioned codependent behaviors as a survival tactic. I never thought of it that way, but it makes sense. When I enabled my addict, although I was doing things that I wouldn't normally do, I was doing it to avoid getting abused or abandoned. The fear of abuse or abandonment was strong enough to motivate me to pay for/join in with her drugs and alcohol because I thought I wouldn't survive if I didn't. The funny thing is that the abuse and abandonment happened anyway no matter how much I sacrificed.
I enabled in order to survive the abuse. That's a new one for me. I can forgive myself a little for enabling now. I wasn't as dumb as I thought I was. Thank you.
I saw that someone on here mentioned codependent behaviors as a survival tactic. I never thought of it that way, but it makes sense. When I enabled my addict, although I was doing things that I wouldn't normally do, I was doing it to avoid getting abused or abandoned. The fear of abuse or abandonment was strong enough to motivate me to pay for/join in with her drugs and alcohol because I thought I wouldn't survive if I didn't. The funny thing is that the abuse and abandonment happened anyway no matter how much I sacrificed.
I enabled in order to survive the abuse. That's a new one for me. I can forgive myself a little for enabling now. I wasn't as dumb as I thought I was. Thank you.
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