DoubleDragons

My sister and I were emotionally abused as children (and as adults for that matter) by our personality disordered, now alcoholic mother and codependent "keep Mommy happy at all costs" father. We used to say that we wish that they beat us, so that we had proof of just how crazy everything was in our home. Although, I say that meaning no disrespect. My heart aches for those of you who have been physically abused and I doubt physical abuse ever happens void of emotional abuse.

I think what amazes me the most is how long that I accepted the abuse. Even as an adult, I would stay on the phone for the angry, manipulative, mean tirades. I spent way too much of my life trying to please my parents. I definitely have self esteem issues and anxiety issues due to the abuse and a lot of self-doubt.

amy55

I do think that sometimes we are all told to go to Al-anon. When you are in an abusive relationship, the last thing you want to do is to stick up for yourself in a fight. You want to grow a backbone without them knowing it.

I do think that when you are in an abusive relationship, that the DV hotline should be recommended first. 1-800-799-SAFE. I did try to stick up for myself, the abuse got worse. I did try to stop enabling, the abuse got worse.

People in a DV situation really should not be accused of enabling. They are in survival mode.

ladyscribbler

This is a really good point. Toward the end with my ex, I actually started trying to practice detachment and quit enabling him (I stopped buying him booze or giving him rides to the liquor store, I refused to take him anywhere with us if he'd been drinking), and doing that escalated his abusive behavior. My older son had come back to live with us at that point after his father died, and my ex also began targeting him for abuse at that point. None of that advice about ignoring his verbal tirades or going to another part of the house ever worked for me either because he would just follow me and keep going, and not answering him or doing the whole, "You might be right" etc. always made it worse.

amy55

I wanted to reply one more time. I am an RA. Never in my life would I have wanted to hurt another person. I think you need to understand that there is a difference between an alcoholic and an abuser. They are 2 separate things.

I'll admit, I didn't know how to handle the pain in my marriage. It was emotional abuse almost non stop. The last 4 years that I lived there, I usually slept in my locked car in the garage.

I didn't want to hurt him, I wanted him to stop hurting me. I didn't want to hear it anymore. He found my car key one day, and he made a copy of it. He dragged me out of my car and demanded that I talk to him. I couldn't run away. I ran away as much as I could. I started to feel like "just kill me already", I didn't know I could do anything else. Didn't feel like I had anyplace else to go to.

He found my hiding place, not that he didn't know where it was before, but I would play my music in my car so loud that I would drown him out. I wouldn't hear him. Then after he made a copy of the key, he opened up the place that I felt safe in, and dragged me out of the car. Demanded that I listen to him.

Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, religious abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, (did I miss any?) they are all controlling and manipulative behaviors. You start to feel like you aren't even a person anymore. You become full of shame, and you feel embarrassed. Shame, how can I let this person treat me like this? You begin to isolate yourself because you are afraid to tell people what is really going on, or he (or she) won't allow you to be with other people, so you cut off contact with them, and isolate yourself that way.

You start out with, please don't call me names, you end up with, please just treat me like I exist, or please treat me like I am human. Your self esteem is shot, your self confidence is shot.

Do you see yourself here? I think you do.

Would you believe that I had joined a verbal abuse website, and I became too embarrassed to even talk about it there.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

Dimndaruf

Yes, that was my case a lot of the times. I had to do things that may have enabled my AH but if I didn't he may have lost his job, which meant our roof, healthcare, etc. I had to pick up his slack when he fell short otherwise my children may have suffered and become a victim of his negligence. So yes, sometimes it becomes a matter of survival indeed.

amy55

I didn't file DV charges when he gave me a black eye, and left a scar under my left eye because he worked for the government and I thought he would lose his job.

I was physically abused, (not often) I will never minimize what you are going through, because that was to me, the worst part of it. The emotional abuse.

You have many people here to talk to, and you don't need to isolate anymore. We do understand. Thank you for having the courage to tell your story. It really does take a lot to reach out and to get in touch with people.

I really do care.

((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy

Dimndaruf

Wow, how I can empathize with you! When my AH wanted to argue he would angrily control the argument, I would let him go on and when there was a pause I would then say "can I ask you a question, he would say "NO" and continue on then he would turn around and ask me questions and look at me for an answer. So, he didn't want me asking questions but I must answer his. When I would talk he would say he's done, it's over and end the conversation while I was talking. I would leave him in the living room and go to my bedroom to sleep. He would come in sometime later and whether the lights were off or on, if I looked like I was sleeping or awake he wold begin again....."so let me ask you another question"!!! LOL but not really funny....SICK!

So yeah, sometimes they still follow you around looking for a reaction and someone to argue with and then when you don't argue back or say "I'm sorry that you feel that way" or "maybe you're right" that sometimes makes them even more angry. When I would say "this isn't a good time to talk" or "let's talk tomorrow" I would go to sleep and he would do mean, spiteful things like turn the tv up really loud while I was trying to sleep or say he was leaving so I could wonder and worry about his whereabouts. Sometimes there's just no winning with them!!!!

healthyagain

Emotional abuse is insidious. You do get bruises, but inside. And noone sees them. And your self-confidence is shaken, and you do not know even why. My mother and her authoritarian parenting style, her strictness, lack of warmth, love withdrawal were way worse than the treatment I got form my ExAH. And she was not an alcoholic. She was an expert in her field. She just had this weird view of how a little kid should behave, and I am talking about the age of two or three, when little kids throw tantrums. You see, I was not a toddler, for her I was a spoiled brat. She even said that she would not go for a walk with me out in public until I "learn" how to behave (at that time I was 3 and I swear I was not even that bad). And she was not even embarrassed to say this. So, my good old dad would take me out, and we would usually have a blast. It is interesting that I never threw any fits when he was with me. But my dad was a weakling, never found strength to stand up for himself. I have a feeling my mom had children because it was an appropriate thing to do. It kinda matched her career goals.

She has been dead for quite some time, but I so feel like telling her some things, even risk getting smacked across my face. I feel like it would be totally worth it.

Dimndaruf

I have a feeling that my AH's father was like your mother. My AH's mom says that his father took a stern approach with him from a young age because "he saw he was weak" and he was trying to instill strength in him. I watch how him and his father interact and all I see is father talking down to him, I see no affection or no sense of pride for his son. My AH will never tell me but I think his father makes him feel like he's not proud of him and I think a lot of my AH's psychological issues stem from his father.

amy55

Thing was, for so many years I was looking at how my AH was treated, to try to understand why he treated me the way that he did.

Know what, it all didn't matter. He did treat me the way that he did, with no respect at all. Sometimes I think we try to give them an excuse for why they act like they do. I also grew up in a dysfunctional hh, and I would never treat anyone the way he treated me.

amy55

Sometimes, not all the time, people develop a personality disorder when they are growing up. They hate to be told they are wrong, or that someone is upset with them, that just makes them mad, and they rage at you. It's the typical Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde personality. The love you/ hate you personality. The push you away, then try to pull you back in personality.

Someone has something like that, it doesn't matter if they are drinking or not.

amy55

I think I am talking only about my ex, not yours. I can't say anything about that. It was just something to think about.

amy55

I would recommend that you read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I can't really explain in-laws, except that blood is thicker then water.

I do hope this helps, and I do hope that you feel comfortable here.

(((((((((hugs))))))))
amy

LexieCat

Just thought I'd share a very interesting article I used as a reference recently for an article about sexual assault prosecutions. Although the article emphasizes trauma in that context, the overall discussion of the effects of trauma (trauma of all types) is very interesting and enlightening. It might help some of the survivors feel a little less "crazy": Understanding the Impact of Sexual Assault: The Nature of Traumatic Experience. It's a long read, but pretty readable for a nonprofessional. The author is a psychiatrist who is a leading expert on the effects of trauma.

amy55

I don't think I saw this in the article, because I am a little "off" tonight, and can't concentrate. Sexual abuse in a marriage is also when you feel you can't say "no" and you submit, just so that a rage or fight isn't started. That would be intimidation and is considered "rape". You feel like you have no ability to say "no".

LexieCat

Right, the article isn't about the dynamics of sexual assault so much as it is about the aftermath--the effect of the trauma.

amy55

I think the fact is that many people in abusive relationships are also being sexually abused. They want to say "no" but they are afraid to.

I remember once my ex said to me, we can either have sex tonight, or we can fight all night.

LexieCat

Very true. Intimate partner sexual violence is vastly underreported. We are training police to specifically ask about it when they respond to DV calls.

amy55

I think sometimes, we have to honestly ask ourselves if someone asked us a question about something, can we honestly answer that question? or are we trying to hide things because of the shame that we feel?

I am sorry if I went off kilter here, I think there was something to do with in-laws, but I just got into how to recognize domestic violence, and to call 1-800-799-SAFE,

I'll disappear for now.

amy

LexieCat

If you're feeling triggered, take a break. We'll be here when you come back.

But in response to your question, many victims don't feel comfortable answering that question, but some do. And some will answer "no" the first several times they are asked, but eventually if they are treated with respect they will eventually feel safe enough to tell.