Revisionary history?
 

How do you handle?
I will try and give a brief explanation and hopefully it won’t be too confusing. This short conversation took place last night. It started by rah stating he had talked with his brother (H) earlier in the day to wish him a happy bday. Brother (H) mentioned that a mutual friend’s (L) brother is in the throes of alcoholism and was spiraling downhill rapidly. (L) was having a hard time with it. There was verbal, emotional and physical abuse to the family going on. Financial disaster pending, etc., etc.

Brother (H) (as relayed by rah) stated that he (L’s brother) was NOTHING like rah when rah was drinking, implying that rah “wasn’t that bad” and then brother (H) went on to say he was really happy that rah was sober.

OMG it really pissed me off. This has ALWAYS been the viewpoint that rah’s family has taken about this whole situation. I truly believe that rah believes it also. HELLO – NONE of you had to live with this raging, abusive drunk. He was always the fun drunk (to them). The life of the party. Everyone wanted him around and at the parties when he was drinking. No one in the family saw the way he treated me.

RAH has always done this and continues to do this – he is the golden child, wonderful person and I am the b!tch, the one who took their fun friend from them and forced him into recovery/”made” him sober.

What sucks is yesterday was a fantastic day for me. I was in such a good mood and had just returned home from a great counseling session. This 5 min conversation just hit me in the gut and took the wind out of me and truly upset me (though I didn’t show it).

I didn’t respond in anyway. Really didn’t say anything. Just kind of ignored it and brought up something that had happened at work.

I cannot respond with what I want to because I want to process the information and form my thoughts and feelings before I do. The processing usually takes a little bit of time and then when I have concluded my feelings on the situation – the situation has passed.

I am SO NOT LOOKING FORWARD to the upcoming holidays and having to spend time with these toxic people. I dread, dread, dread it. I have for many, many years.

Is not responding and just stuffing it the best way to handle?

Sorry for the rant/ramble.

And after writing all that out I realize that I am more hurt than I am angry. Hurt that he still takes little, to no responsibility for his actions. Hurt that he still doesn’t stand up for me.

Sigh.

I'm learning to not get pulled in and respond. I can say things like, "That's not how I see it. It's okay for us to see things differently." "Huh." "Is that so?" "Okay. I'm getting to.... (go for a walk, wash dishes, bring the car in for service, go to a 12 step meeting, etc.)" Some days I might ask if he'd like to go with me.

My husband and others have different viewpoints and experiences. Some have mental health issues that filter and rewrite things, also. That is their reality. However absolutely infuriating that has been to me, I can't change that. I have tried time and again and it just seems to add to what was my anxiety and loneliness.

Stuffing how I feel is equally dangerous to me. I'm learning how to let things out in a healthy way, writing, with people who understand, meditate, etc.

Posting here is a wonderful outlet. Alanon meetings, talking with my sponsor and working on my Step Work have also been great for opening up my thought process to new behaviors.

One day at a time. Things do get better as we look for what we can do for our own healing.

Maybe this year you'll find new ways to get through the holidays. For so much years, I kept my head down and pushed forward, getting through the next task, the next holiday or birthday, the next day. I wanted more, yet didn't know how to get there. Now, between SR and Alanon, I'm enjoying each day, even though nothing much has changed in other people, my outlook on life is completely different.

Progress, not perfection. Some days that progress was small or I couldn't see it, yet within me, it was happening.

Posting here is wonderful progress. Beats the heck out of hitting someone over the head with a cast iron frying pan! I never did that, but there were times I really wanted to!!

I am SO NOT LOOKING FORWARD to the upcoming holidays and having to spend time with these toxic people. I dread, dread, dread it. I have for many, many years.

then,,,,,,,,,don't. i don't mean to be simplistic, but why force yourself to endure such things? why not spend your holidays in ways that bring you joy and peace??

I think there is a better option than "not responding and just stuffing it", and it is not stuffing it at all. You are allowed to feel this. And you will sooner or later -- just later, if you stuff it.

But engaging with and responding to what you KNOW is nonsense won't get you anywhere. It's time to ask yourself would you rather be RIGHT or would you rather have PEACE?

That is often how things work in a family. They put blinders on and only see what they want. Your husband of course only wants others to see him in the best light possible. You need to just accept that.

As far as the holidays are concerned you don't need to participate. I told my husband years ago that I would no longer be going to his mother's on Christmas day for xyz reasons. He and our sons of course should continue to go. They did and I spent several wonderful hours in a quiet peaceful house.

This is what alcoholic families do! It's just what they do-and your rah isn't going to disclose how abusive he was while he drank. I too felt the dread if spending the holidays with my exs family-now I don't have to...thankfully. You can choose to have peace and quiet-you do have that power!

Lyssy.....I don't know how "recovering" your husband. I imagine that there is still a lot of hurt beneath the surface....from behaviors when he was drinking.....and this kind of episode just serves to bring some of that pain and hurt to the surface.
It sounds like he doesn't "get" how much you have been wounded (by him).

dandylion

about the holiday.....this is something that a husband and wife discuss together and come up with a strategy together. This requires openness and honesty and the desire to problem solve together for the good of the relationship......it takes really working together and tolerance and patience and empathy......ongoing stuff in any m arriage.
I dreaded my inlaws every year...as did my husband!!...lol.
I suspect you main problem is with him....and some of it gets projected onto his family......even though they may be difficult.....you are married to him...not them.
You are not required to love them....if you don't......