Redheadsusie

You thought you could have dinner with AH and have it not turn into a face making crazy talking embarrassment? How many times have you said doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity? You are a smart woman- you have a booming career - you support yourself- your friends and family love you - but why do you not love yourself enough to not have this sad bitter A in your life? You see AH has not lived in our house for many years - he moved in with his folks- he actually ran away there when I told him he had to be responsible here and help pay his share of bills and I would not tolerate the drunk behavior here and the cursing and the hatred and the name calling ..............but I always engage with him when I get lonely - we have dinner once in while and in the Summer we boat - not sure why I do it as it keeps me from moving on - talking to my therapist about that. He quit his "dream job" in May - has not worked since - has no insurance - has done odd jobs but basically unmotivated - says he will never move back here with me as all I want is money - he made $15,000 Last year - WHAT? I must be an idiot for being a" money hungry bitch" after a man who made $15,000 - that one cracks me up - Anyway his name is still on the mortgage - he has been renovating our bathroom - I figured I would pay and he could do the work- very grateful - so in thanks I said I would buy him pizza and bought him some nice running shoes - well when he got in the car with a beer in a tumbler that should have been my cue. Learned he is still so full of hatred for me - for his daughters - for anything in his life - embarrassed me at dinner- talking ugly and making faces and saying this country is screwed and his daughters don't call him and I used him and blah blah blah - I also learned he thinks my sons are not thankful for him - I sacrificed his happiness by putting my sons through college ( paid for 100% by me- they are my sons) - I forgot how this **** can make you feel crazy - crazy- you think what just happened here - how can a normal conversation turn so quick -

God send me strength - help me figure out why I am afraid to move forward - I live on my own - I pay my way- I am very successful - I have joy in my heart - I feel sorry for him- I feel responsible for him - I let him say bad things about me - I let him tell me I am negative which is a first - and I need help to stop this cycle. I cant let his words paralyze with me fear. I need to take care of me but I am scared - I don't know why - I am a broken record - I am obviously punishing myself - my therapist told me to forgive myself - to forgive my folks who were A's - they did the best they could-

I am a rambling mess but I am a survivor - I survived losing my parents and AH #1 and I have truly already lost AH #2 I can do this - oh btw - in case you didn't know no man will put up with my **** in the future like he did - I was just told that - good to know.

happybeingme

Thank you for sharing. You should give the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum a peek.

I have one other thing to say. Your therapist is wrong. Not all parents did the best they could. That phrase is a cop out and shifts the blame from the parents onto the child.

redatlanta

Welcome Back! So I read through your threads - it appears he has been out this time for about a year.

I could make a long list of reasons why you may not have moved on, I am sure you have been told them already, or discussed it with your therapist. I think sometimes we can get caught up in trying to "figure it out" so much so that we spend our time "figuring it out", rather than moving along. Must there be an answer for everything? I don't think so.

Divorce is unpleasant. While your interactions with him seem to be the same crazy making as always, they are much more limited. Is it that you are so afraid to be "alone", or that you are so afraid to have to deal with a very unreasonable alcoholic who will MAY be difficult through the process? Have you gotten used to the peace in your home and maybe, you simply don't want to interrupt that?

Sometimes we have to just make ourselves do what's necessary. There are many situations like that in life - I have to make myself do my tax filings and CPA meeting, I have to make myself get my yearly physical, I have to make myself do things that I don't want to do a myriad of times. You have been advised many times to see an attorney - have you done that? If not pick up the phone TODAY and make an appointment to see one. End this marriage legally - just for your own safety if nothing else. Your marriage ties yourself to an irresponsible alcoholic - it could be a real mess for you far beyond just dealing with his verbal insults and abuse. Its morbid put pertinent, if you die THAT"S the person that stands between your possessions and life's work, and your children whom you love very much. OMG NO.!!!!!

You can do it.

Hawkeye13

Yep Susie;
Time to move on.
Get legally untangled even if it means you have to move.
Just get it done--your life cannot be filled with a loving relationship
as long as he keeps creeping in the cracks and hurting you.

Certainly you deserve far more.
By the way, No Contact really seems to work out best with this jerk.
Hire the work done. . .

AnvilheadII

you refer to him as AH, not EXAH.....have you not divorced yet? that would be an excellent start to completely severing ties with this evil, angry, toxic man.