hubby in detox

Old 11-12-2015, 08:54 PM
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Detox and rehab exist to help the alcoholic or addict. That's their focus. And yes, part of the alcoholic behavior can be to create a lot of drama (whether intentionally or not).
You can make the choice for him to no longer be the center of the universe. The household does not have to revolve around him, nor should it. As long as that dynamic continues, you and your children will be the ones who suffer.
He may or may not get and stay sober. My dad had a similar story as yours. He made the announcement one day that he was no longer drinking. I don't know if he went to rehab or anything. (I suspect he got caught drinking at work and was in danger of losing his job and pension). Not everyone is able to do that, and even those that do may still exhibit the same behaviors as they did when drinking. Just putting down the bottle is not the magic solution to everything, it's really just the first step in a long recovery process.
There are things you can do to help yourself and your children now, whatever your husband ends up doing.
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Old 11-12-2015, 09:02 PM
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ladyscribbler, I would be happy if he just put down the bottle. He has a long history of sobering up for a while and then going on a non stop binge. He won't sleep or eat and just hangs out in the garage. His job enables him, the hospital enables him, even the police enable him. This is his 3rd admission to the same hospital this year. And they are telling me to not upset him???
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Old 11-12-2015, 09:06 PM
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About your question......alcoholics suffer terribly from their disease.... a fter all, it will destroy them if it is not arrested. The staff at his facility understand this and he is their immediate concern/ It is simply their job to care for him as best they can, while he is there.

As you study and learn more about alcoholism, it will become more clear.......Right now, you are the most important for yourself.....

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Old 11-12-2015, 09:11 PM
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What if he doesn't put down the bottle? Some don't. Not ever. Not even if they lose everything. My ex is one of those.
If I hadn't stayed so long and enabled my ex at home, then I think all the outside enabling would have mattered much less. But he always had a comfortable place to come back to and keep drinking.
My no didn't really mean no. It meant "keep bugging me until I cave." My "this is the last time" was never really the last time, and he knew that.
Of course when I was in the midst of everything it was really easy to see how his drinking caused so many problems. It was much harder to recognize my own contribution to the unhealthy dynamic that went on in our home. Simply by staying where I was, making empty threats, taking on the majority of the adult responsibilities in the house and accepting unacceptable behavior I unwittingly made it OK for him to drink and carry on doing whatever he wanted.
I had it in my head that the solution to all my problems was him putting down the bottle. He's still drinking, but it's no longer my problem.
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Old 11-12-2015, 09:26 PM
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I doubt that they would be accusing your son of being an alcoholic......
They don't want students drinking or passing around alcohol to each other.
I know you understand that.....
Schools have their rules and procedures.....that is just the way it is......

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Old 11-12-2015, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by angrywife232310 View Post
ladyscribbler, I would be happy if he just put down the bottle. He has a long history of sobering up for a while and then going on a non stop binge. He won't sleep or eat and just hangs out in the garage. His job enables him, the hospital enables him, even the police enable him. This is his 3rd admission to the same hospital this year. And they are telling me to not upset him???
Yet you don't enable him at all, it seems.

So...just out of curiosity...

Assuming he drinks (which, based on your description of the situation and my experience with my alcoholic self and the literally hundreds of other alcoholics I've met and dealt with, is all but guaranteed), are you truly ready to follow through with throwing him out? For how long? What sort of conditions are there for him to return? How willh CPS view the destabalization of the home this way? How will this affect you financially?

Will it really make you feel any better? Or will you still be angry, and just not have a local target for it?
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Old 11-12-2015, 09:41 PM
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I would be happy if he just put down the bottle
Not to be argumentative, but a lot of people find that they're still not happy and that life isn't much easier or even less chaotic when their spouses do get sober and sober for the long haul.

I empathize with you greatly, especially since your handle is angry wife. I don't know why I didn't think of that for my OWN handle when I originally registered. Through mostly therapy work I have found that probably 75% of the time that I feel angry I'm actually sad. What is happening with your family, your children and your marriage right now is sad. It really is. It's not fair and there really is nothing you can do to make your husband stop his insane behavior.

In my own experience, working on myself - this website, therapy and al-anon - has made the real difference for me. I'm still married, although long term separated, to my alcoholic husband and we have two kids together. I decided about two years ago that what was most important to me was to protect my children from his disease as much as I could and not living with him makes it a million times easier.

Have you considered separating from him whether he stops drinking or not?
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Old 11-12-2015, 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Austin4Wyo View Post
Yet you don't enable him at all, it seems.

So...just out of curiosity...

Assuming he drinks (which, based on your description of the situation and my experience with my alcoholic self and the literally hundreds of other alcoholics I've met and dealt with, is all but guaranteed), are you truly ready to follow through with throwing him out? For how long? What sort of conditions are there for him to return? How willh CPS view the destabalization of the home this way? How will this affect you financially?

Will it really make you feel any better? Or will you still be angry, and just not have a local target for it?
I'm kind of curious what the point of this post is?

Is it thoughtful?
Is it helpful?
Is it intelligent?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
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Old 11-12-2015, 09:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Stung View Post

I'm kind of curious what the point of this post is?

Is it thoughtful?
Is it helpful?
Is it intelligent?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
Legitimate questions, I feel. I really do feel empathy, and I see your point. I wasn't clear with that empathy.

I understand the anger and upset. I've been there with alcoholic relationships, and I've been the cause of it. Often, though, both in my own case and in the past, a quick, reactive ultimatum of "No X behavior or Y consequence will happen," isn't terribly well thought out. There are farther reaching consequences than simply throwing someone out of a household.

Like you, I worry that unless there is internal work done, anger will remain. I was trying to get to that point by posing those questions. I often was able to make the necessary, constructive mental leaps by having questions posed to me rather than being advised or otherwise related to. No offense was intended.
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Old 11-13-2015, 02:56 AM
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wife, the authorities SUSPECT your son is an alcoholic--as I said, most kids "experimenting" don't bring alcohol to school. If he brought it to share with others, that isn't a whole lot better--he may not be an alcoholic, but he is bringing a dangerous drug to school, in which case it's a serious discipline problem. Either way, it's a big deal for the school, and should be a big deal for both your son and you. Someone has to get to the bottom of what's going on with him and address it, one way or another.

We are sharing our own personal experiences as people who have been through the exact same kinds of experiences you are having. Just being angry isn't going to make YOUR life any better.

If you don't like Al-Anon, fine. Just an FYI, the "random god" you are talking about is simply meant to be inclusive. Nobody is trying to take away YOUR God--it's about enhancing your relationship with YOUR God, not someone else's.

But recovery programs aside, do you feel like the way you've been dealing with the problem is working for you? Is it making your life better? If the only solution you have is to wait for him to change, to step up and act the way he should, you could have a very, very long wait on your hands. Yes, you can kick him out. The reality, however, is that for as long as you have children together, you will be dealing with him in some fashion. Child support, visitation, family milestones like graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren--you will be crossing paths for a long time. Being in a constant state of anger is exhausting and debilitating. And it's very difficult to parent well when that's your default emotion, too.
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