Wisconsin

I have those feelings, too, Stung. I had a friend ask me a few months ago if I thought I would ever get married again. And my response was "I've learned to never say never, but it is very hard for me to imagine a set of circumstances in which I would EVER get married again."

That said, one of the things I've spent a lot of time thinking about since I left is the whole issue of expectations. Obviously, we cannot have expectations of our qualifiers. It does nothing but leave us hurt and resentful, and the only way we can avoid that hurt and resentment is to stop having the expectations in the first place. I also think that for those of us who might be just a teeny, tiny bit controlling *cough*, it's a good lesson to dial back some of our ridiculous expectations of normal people, too.

But there's also danger in going too far to the other extreme. I believe that spouses SHOULD be able to have some basic expectations of each other. That is ultimately why I left. Children SHOULD be able to have some basic expectations of their parents. That is why so many ACOAs I know minimize or stop all contact with their addict parents. One of the things I'm working on as I establish and nurture normal, functional relationships is to identify what are REASONABLE expectations.

Kboys

Love these!

^^^this for me. It's so nice not to have to wonder what kind of mood AH is going to be in tonight... no more walking on eggshells

I feel so much less irritable and jumpy. The kids whining doesn't bother me as much anymore, because I know AH isn't going to to scream at them if they don't stop... same goes for the dog barking.

Last night I couldn't find the remote control, and it triggered a little bit of panic in me, because losing the remote was something that drove AH crazy... "Why the f*** can't we keep track of anything around here? Why do you let the kids have it? It's not a toy!" Then he would stomp around throwing the couch cushions off, etc, until he found it... or not.
But last night I realized that I don't really care where the remote is. I can get up and turn the channel. It will turn up when it turns up.

Happy Friday All!

firebolt

Oh my hell FS, I haven't had a migraine since a couple days after we broke up. August 4th - my body breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and evidently felt the need to stop putting pressure on me to DO SOMETHING about it all. It is unbelievable to me....i was having a bad one every week or 2 before that...for the last 4.5 years. Costco bottles of ibuprofin consumed. And I wonder why I have acid reflux..

Oh yeah - the broken things....and somehow, it was my stuff that always ended up broken...never his.

Autumnlover19

Bumping this thread. I just searched for it because I remember reading it way back in November when I was miserable. I found it by searching "blanket dragging." Haha

Reading it again, now that my AXBF is gone, wow. How refreshing to not have been called a c- or b-word in awhile! How amazing that my daily migraines have been subsiding! Also nice to have and keep a clean home. And most importantly, it's great to not live in fear. Of what mood he is in, of what he is mad about, of when he will suddenly open the bedroom door while I'm sleeping and verbally abuse me for hours when I have to work in the morning.

My baby and I have settled into a routine in this house. We get stuff done. We are happy. Today I tore up the nasty carpeting that I hated, that AXBF would spill all over and not even use a towel to sop up. It's hardwood flooring underneath. It needs sanding and a coating, something a dear friend has offered to help me with, and it is going to come out restored and shining, much like myself. Before that, though, lots of staples to pull. One by one.

I LOL'ed at the Toilet Seat Bandit. Oh, those sneaky buggars that come in the night!

Thanks so much for this thread and for sharing your story, Wisconsin, and all of you here. Your stories stick with me.

Xoxox

sauerkraut

These make me laugh out loud. Some of mine:
--no more stepping into a lake of pee in the bathroom when I get up in the morning.
--no more being awakened to a blaring TV in the middle of the night, playing endless repeats of a World Cup Soccer video game while AH is passed out on the couch and the freezer's alarm goes off because he neglected to close the door.
--no more lying in bed wondering which is worse, going along with his 'advances' or getting up and probably provoking a fight.
--no more of my daughters coming to me terrified because daddy is "acting all weird again."

firebolt

Yeah, I loved this thread, and the further I am out, the more my list grows!

-no more wondering if he has been drinking or not when he's on the motorcycle
-no more wondering if I am riding in a vehicle with an intoxicated driver
-no more being fearful of if what I say will trigger a rage in my home
-no more wondering if my partner will attend family stuff or cancel the minute we are leaving to see them
- no more making up excuses as to why my partner isn't at said family event
- i cant say enough how much I love living without 'that smell'
-no more dreading weekends. or dry winters. or lawn mowing day. or pay day. of extended camping trips. or sundays.
- loving living in an always mostly clean home.

Wisconsin

I am loving the fact that right now I do NOT have to live with the fallout of STBXAH's ill-fated attempt to adopt a dog that was way too high energy and required way too much training than he is in a position to handle right now. I had to stop at his place this morning to pick up a check for day care, and the already pig sty-ish place is still covered in shredded dog bed and shredded cardboard--stuff that has been there since LAST WEDNESDAY.

I don't have to tell you all how old codie me would have cleaned everything up AND bent over backwards to protect STBXAH from the consequences of his decisions. NOT ANYMORE! I can close the door behind me and return home to my own tidy, non-beer-smelling apartment where the people I care about all laugh and have fun together.

tomsteve

cool to see this thread rekindled!
for me I think a positive of getting out of a toxic relationship is that
I don't hear circus music every morning!!
yet, when I do, I caused it myself.

LeeJane

Brilliant! Thanks for bumping this thread!

Toilet Seat Bandit!! LOL!

MissNewLife

I can't wait to be sober for a good chunk of time and experience all of these things myself (from myself)!

firebolt

^^

Keep up the good work!! Noticing the small things that add up the further along we go in recovery are AMAZING!

I should note that several of the items in my list were in part due to the changes in ME (rather than just not living with an active alcoholic) ! No longer stewing, no longer spiraling on what ifs, no longer being hyper focused on someone else's safety, etc, etc.)

Adrian80

I know exactly how you feel. My ex travel a lot for his job and is usually only home about 1 1/2 to 2 days out the week and I used to look so forward to those days but I was starting to hate those days. Now that he's gone I feel a peace I haven't felt in a long time. It feels good to not have someone sitting up under me drinking beer after beer and blowing cigarette smoke in my face and hearing them say every couple of hours how they need to run to the store to get just one more even though they can barely stand.