AH left. Feeling depressed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somers, MT
Posts: 31
AH left. Feeling depressed
I have been with my AH for 5 years and we have 2 small kids together. And yesterday he packed his suitcase and left. I should be feeling happy and relieved but I'm not. He has been mean and verbally abusive and according to him absolutely everything wrong in our lives is my fault. I don't even know what happened. Everything seemed fine yesterday morning when we got up. He had an appointment in town and took my car. He called after and said he was on his way home. Over an hour later, he was home so I called him. He didn't answer. 25 minutes later, I called again. Still no answer. I drove his car down to the local bar a mile or so up the road. Sure enough, my car was in the parking lot. I had asked him repeatedly to stop taking my car to the bar. He agreed he wouldn't anymore but he did. I dropped off his car and left in mine. His phone was in my car and I listened to a voicemail that his ex girlfriend left him yesterday morning asking him to come stay with her because we had been arguing the day before. I dropped his phone off at the house with a note saying I don't understand why he keep lying to me about everything (talking to his ex about our issues, taking my car to the bar, etc). Then went to my own doctor's appointment. He came home and packed his stuff and left because he said he couldn't believe I didn't have the common decency to at least come into the bar and let him know that I was taking my car. This is why he says he left me. I told him my car shouldn't have been at the bar in the first place and he said that didn't make what I did right. If I had come into the bar and told him what I was doing, he would have been pissed and accused me of embarrassing him. I don't know why him leaving upsets me so much. He treats me horribly, doesn't financially contribute to our family and lies constantly. I feel depressed and guess I just need encouragement...
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi Heather, firstly, it's natural to feel upset at the break-down of a marriage, so don't blame yourself because you 'should' feel happy. If you think his leaving is sudden and for no serious reason, look no further than the exGF. I've noticed that men rarely leave marriages without someone else in the picture.
Stay calm, make your plans and do what needs to be done. There are lots of details to take care of with finances, household matters, children, security and so on. Please don't feel you have lots of time for this because if your AH is with his former GF, she may be pushing him harder than he'll push himself.
A talk to a lawyer to see where you stand is a really good idea. How about writing yourself a to-do list? Also a list of things you won't have to put up with in the future.
Stay calm, make your plans and do what needs to be done. There are lots of details to take care of with finances, household matters, children, security and so on. Please don't feel you have lots of time for this because if your AH is with his former GF, she may be pushing him harder than he'll push himself.
A talk to a lawyer to see where you stand is a really good idea. How about writing yourself a to-do list? Also a list of things you won't have to put up with in the future.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
This interaction between an alcoholic and a significant other is not unusual to those of us who have been right where you are in this moment. So typical for an alcoholic to spin a situation to make themselves appear the victim by someone who has done nothing. The dance is down right crazy making.
It is no surprise that you feel so badly, you have been the brunt of this kind of abuse for a long time, is my guess, and you find yourself confused and feeling sad. It's not your fault, I hope you will find some support and help for yourself. It all sounds very agonizing.
Katie
It is no surprise that you feel so badly, you have been the brunt of this kind of abuse for a long time, is my guess, and you find yourself confused and feeling sad. It's not your fault, I hope you will find some support and help for yourself. It all sounds very agonizing.
Katie
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think its normal to be depressed in this situation, I am curious how much is the depression about him packing his bags and leaving, and how much is about that your life with this man is pretty out of control?
He said I didn't have the common decency to at least come into the bar and let him know that I was taking my car. This is laughable. Says the man whom is in contact with his ex-gorlfriend, divulging your private business and an open invite to stay with her. Give me a break. He also didn't have the common decency to drive his car when you asked him too, or it wouldn't have happened. Major blame shifting here.
You do need to stay strong, he has done you a favor. Its time to lay down some boundaries. You aren't a door mat. Have you been to Al Anon? i strongly encourage you to go. One day at a time - he is out of the house. Keep it that way.
He said I didn't have the common decency to at least come into the bar and let him know that I was taking my car. This is laughable. Says the man whom is in contact with his ex-gorlfriend, divulging your private business and an open invite to stay with her. Give me a break. He also didn't have the common decency to drive his car when you asked him too, or it wouldn't have happened. Major blame shifting here.
You do need to stay strong, he has done you a favor. Its time to lay down some boundaries. You aren't a door mat. Have you been to Al Anon? i strongly encourage you to go. One day at a time - he is out of the house. Keep it that way.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Heather,
Welcome, and you will be ok!!!
Take some deep breaths, relax and take some time to regroup. It is very over whelming right now. But the first good thing is you didn't call him begging him to come back. You reached out for help!!!!! You know down deep this is not a healthy marriage and you are going crazy.
There is so much help on sr. You need to read and educate your self about addiction. First and formost, alcohlism is progressive, so if you think this is bad, it can and will get worse over time. He has left so enjoy the calm in the house. I can guarantee you that he will be back. But he will try on his terms not yours.
You need to set up a plan, need to set boundaries. Let him know that this is not acceptable how you have been living. Try your best not to call him or text him, he left you and the kids. If you threaten something follow through, or don't say it. Baby steps on trying to get your life back together.
One thing you need to understand, is that all alcoholics like to do is drink, and no one is going to tell them they can't. Him at the x girlfriends, he can drink unrestricted, till she gets tired of his bs..
Act like you don't care that he is gone, like life is normal and see what kind of response you get.
Hugs my friends, many have walked In your shoes before you, and they are thriving!!!
Welcome, and you will be ok!!!
Take some deep breaths, relax and take some time to regroup. It is very over whelming right now. But the first good thing is you didn't call him begging him to come back. You reached out for help!!!!! You know down deep this is not a healthy marriage and you are going crazy.
There is so much help on sr. You need to read and educate your self about addiction. First and formost, alcohlism is progressive, so if you think this is bad, it can and will get worse over time. He has left so enjoy the calm in the house. I can guarantee you that he will be back. But he will try on his terms not yours.
You need to set up a plan, need to set boundaries. Let him know that this is not acceptable how you have been living. Try your best not to call him or text him, he left you and the kids. If you threaten something follow through, or don't say it. Baby steps on trying to get your life back together.
One thing you need to understand, is that all alcoholics like to do is drink, and no one is going to tell them they can't. Him at the x girlfriends, he can drink unrestricted, till she gets tired of his bs..
Act like you don't care that he is gone, like life is normal and see what kind of response you get.
Hugs my friends, many have walked In your shoes before you, and they are thriving!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Looks to me like he is putting on a show for your benefit. I don't think he has any intention of leaving anytime soon (unless, of course, his ex-g/f offers to let him move in, in which case all bets are off because he can drink the way he wants to there).
Yes, go see a lawyer ASAP. You need information, including your rights to child support and other economic support. Do you work? Who controls the money? Even if he comes back in a day or two, things are looking pretty rocky on the home front, and you need to make sure you and the kids have your basic needs covered.
Hugs, things will become clearer over the next few days. Keep us posted.
Yes, go see a lawyer ASAP. You need information, including your rights to child support and other economic support. Do you work? Who controls the money? Even if he comes back in a day or two, things are looking pretty rocky on the home front, and you need to make sure you and the kids have your basic needs covered.
Hugs, things will become clearer over the next few days. Keep us posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somers, MT
Posts: 31
I feel so grateful to have found this site. I have found some really great support here. I am so tired of living life with him in epic chaos. I don't know why I have stayed this long. I work and can support my family on my own. I really don't need him for anything which is good because he really has nothing to offer. I wish I didn't feel so depressed right now, though. The encouragement from everyone here is much needed, though so please keep it coming... I think I am just having a hard time accepting that this is for the best because he has spent years verbally beating me down, telling me how I do nothing right and comparing me to said ex in which I never measure up. His ex is also an alcoholic and just split up with her husband last week. What a chaotic situation
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, I'm sure it's a bit shocking and upsetting, but this COULD be the best possible thing--he goes off with someone willing to put up with his drinking and other nonsense, you get a much more peaceful home life.
You're on good ground if you can support yourself and the kids, but he still has an obligation to contribute to their support. So make that appointment with a lawyer. You will also want to make sure the kids are safe during any visitation with him.
Hugs, it will be OK. YOU and your kids are going to be OK. Things will unfold as they should, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
You're on good ground if you can support yourself and the kids, but he still has an obligation to contribute to their support. So make that appointment with a lawyer. You will also want to make sure the kids are safe during any visitation with him.
Hugs, it will be OK. YOU and your kids are going to be OK. Things will unfold as they should, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 251
What you wrote reminds me so much of when I finally ended my relationship with the father of my two kids. This was over 4 years ago. The drinking, the lying, the girlfriends, the gambling, the arguments...oh, it was so exhausting. I just wanted to live in peace. I finally had my last straw and never went back. I too was depressed and scared. My kids were 2 and 3 at the time...but I knew I could take care of them on my own. I felt like I was already doing that! I finally knew I deserved a happier home life...more importantly my kids deserved that.
Don't worry...time does help...take one day at a time. It DOES get better. I actually felt relieved once he was out of the house. I didn't have to walk on eggshells any more..anticipating his next blow up...I had a calm, happy home for my kids.
I agree with everyone here...go see a lawyer, talk about your options. Protect yourself and your kids. A's do not think rationally and you never know what they are going to do...Also, document EVERYTHING with him...on a calendar, in a diary, whatever and hide it from him. That saved me down the road...
Hugs to you. I so feel your pain. But you can do this!
Don't worry...time does help...take one day at a time. It DOES get better. I actually felt relieved once he was out of the house. I didn't have to walk on eggshells any more..anticipating his next blow up...I had a calm, happy home for my kids.
I agree with everyone here...go see a lawyer, talk about your options. Protect yourself and your kids. A's do not think rationally and you never know what they are going to do...Also, document EVERYTHING with him...on a calendar, in a diary, whatever and hide it from him. That saved me down the road...
Hugs to you. I so feel your pain. But you can do this!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
heather.....it so often helps to turn the "depression" into targeted action.
For example: See the lawyer. Pick up packing boxes for him....stack them in the living room. Pick out new paint for the bedroom and begin redecorating it......
If he doesn't like that.....let him tell it to his ex-girlfriend.
Acting, rather than reacting is a terrific depression buster!
dandylion
For example: See the lawyer. Pick up packing boxes for him....stack them in the living room. Pick out new paint for the bedroom and begin redecorating it......
If he doesn't like that.....let him tell it to his ex-girlfriend.
Acting, rather than reacting is a terrific depression buster!
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Oh Heather, how I feel for you! The blame shifting is so typical of an A, I've experienced it so many times...there were times I've gotten upset over something my AH did and things would get turned around on me so quickly and his anger was so great for days at a time that one would never even know that I was the angry one a few days ago and somehow the tables have turned and I'm the one getting the silent treatment. An example of a recent incident...
We have 2 small children together and I usually don't go out much but if/when I do, my husband is usually home and I make it known when I'm leaving (whether with or without the children). I never go out when he's not home but him on the other hand, he almost ALWAYS finds somewhere to go when I'm out of the house, he'll never stay home when I'm not there. He NEVER calls me to say "hey, I'm going here or there". I usually will have to call or come home to an empty house to know that he's left our apt. For the first time I got invited (spur of the moment) by a girlfriend to meet her at a local spot for dinner while my husband was out at the studio. I quickly jumped up and went without informing my husband. When he called I immediately answered and told him where I was. For the remainder of the evening I could not reach him, he texted me asking if we (the kids and I) were ok and I told him to call me ASAP....he never did. I called about 20 times (which I don't usually do) because I feared that he had relapsed again and was scared to answer the phone because I can tell in his voice whether he's sober or not. The next day when we spoke and I told him how upset I was about him not answering my calls it suddenly got switched onto me and why I didn't tell him why I was going out with a friend. When I told him he does it ALLLLLLL the time I don't have a problem when he does it so why is it a problem now that I'm doing it all hell broke loose! He got so pissed with me asking me am I playing tit for tat and is that really my reason, etc.....so my unaswered phone call got put on the back burner because he wanted to find something to draw the attention off of himself.
I just say all this to let you know that you're not alone. They are great at spinning, projecting, and blaming everything and everyone else in order to divert from themselves or their wrong doing. I know how frustrating it is!!!
As for the ex gf...let them have each other. Sounds like he needs you more than you need him! He probably really is angry with you and thinks his ex understand you better but that's because his perception is distorted and you can't expect him to see any better until he's sober for a lengthy amount of time.
Hugs and strength to you!
We have 2 small children together and I usually don't go out much but if/when I do, my husband is usually home and I make it known when I'm leaving (whether with or without the children). I never go out when he's not home but him on the other hand, he almost ALWAYS finds somewhere to go when I'm out of the house, he'll never stay home when I'm not there. He NEVER calls me to say "hey, I'm going here or there". I usually will have to call or come home to an empty house to know that he's left our apt. For the first time I got invited (spur of the moment) by a girlfriend to meet her at a local spot for dinner while my husband was out at the studio. I quickly jumped up and went without informing my husband. When he called I immediately answered and told him where I was. For the remainder of the evening I could not reach him, he texted me asking if we (the kids and I) were ok and I told him to call me ASAP....he never did. I called about 20 times (which I don't usually do) because I feared that he had relapsed again and was scared to answer the phone because I can tell in his voice whether he's sober or not. The next day when we spoke and I told him how upset I was about him not answering my calls it suddenly got switched onto me and why I didn't tell him why I was going out with a friend. When I told him he does it ALLLLLLL the time I don't have a problem when he does it so why is it a problem now that I'm doing it all hell broke loose! He got so pissed with me asking me am I playing tit for tat and is that really my reason, etc.....so my unaswered phone call got put on the back burner because he wanted to find something to draw the attention off of himself.
I just say all this to let you know that you're not alone. They are great at spinning, projecting, and blaming everything and everyone else in order to divert from themselves or their wrong doing. I know how frustrating it is!!!
As for the ex gf...let them have each other. Sounds like he needs you more than you need him! He probably really is angry with you and thinks his ex understand you better but that's because his perception is distorted and you can't expect him to see any better until he's sober for a lengthy amount of time.
Hugs and strength to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somers, MT
Posts: 31
Dimndaruf, you just described every single argument we have ever had. He always diverts attention away from everything he does. Nothing is ever his fault. It is so frustrating and I hope I have finally had enough of this abuse. I don't want my kids witnessing anymore of this thinking it is okay. I don't want to subject myself to this anymore. I am so grateful I started therapy a few weeks ago because I really think I'm going to need it. Over the past 5 years, his blame game has really taken a toll on my self-esteem and I feel I have none anymore. He has left so many times before and I have let him and oftentimes begged him out of sheer panic to come back. Hopefully I can be strong enough this time to stick to the fact that he needs to be gone and this is the beginning of brighter days to come
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
For your sake, I am hoping that he does not come back. I think sometimes after giving us many hints, coming faster and harder, if we don't take the hints, the Universe does for us, what we can't do for ourselves. Almost any major life event that I first deemed as a "depressing catastrophe", has brought the best life and personal changes that I could have ever imagined. Hugs!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by heather59901 
Dimndaruf, you just described every single argument we have ever had. He always diverts attention away from everything he does. Nothing is ever his fault. It is so frustrating and I hope I have finally had enough of this abuse. I don't want my kids witnessing anymore of this thinking it is okay. I don't want to subject myself to this anymore. I am so grateful I started therapy a few weeks ago because I really think I'm going to need it. Over the past 5 years, his blame game has really taken a toll on my self-esteem and I feel I have none anymore. He has left so many times before and I have let him and oftentimes begged him out of sheer panic to come back. Hopefully I can be strong enough this time to stick to the fact that he needs to be gone and this is the beginning of brighter days to come
My AH would be p*ssed off when I would leave? I had my parent's home to go to where I knew I could get peace, rest and my children and I would feel safe. When he left his mother's basement, she rented it to his sister so it was no longer available in case "he" wanted to leave. Funny....one time in a drunken rage he started emptying his closet saying that he was leaving and he was done with, I (like a fool) was crying, putting his things back and begging him to stay. I should've let him load his car and see where he was going to go. Nowhere. LOL They play on our love and despair, I too had my self-esteem broken down so badly to the point where I was depressed and unhappy with myself. I didn't even know how this happened because believe you me, I have no problems meeting guys but it just seemed to have sucked all my self-worth from my core.
You don't want your children witnessing this dysfunctional behavior...how old are they?
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Heather, they are master manipulator - or try to be. Projecting their actions onto others and their bad deeds as well as manipulating and blaming and straight out lying to cover themselves up and make it look like they are actually the victim. Pretty sick, eh? My ex did this during our marriage and does still to this day (if I shared with you some of his words vs actions you would be rolling on the floor laughing thinking, does this guy actually believe himself?!?). It really is pathetic and shows their character-or what the disease has done to them. I know you're hurting-and feeling low. Id say most of us spouses have battled depression during our marriages-when you're reality is distorted, not validated, you are lied to on a daily basis, abused, neglected, and all of these are denied, hmmmm, it's no wonder we depress! As the post above describes, my self esteem also was almost non existent after so many drunken tirades from him and I too acted very out if character begging him to stay many times! It's like they get off on it-they play on your emotions and it's a game to them. When I finally got into recovery and stopped my piece of the crazy and didn't follow him around the house begging him to stay, he would threaten to leave (bc I was so awful and would not react when he was drinking or would hold firm to my boundaries!) and many times would go stay with mommy or would come back to the house a few minutes later. Crazy making for sure!
I hope your AH has a fabulous time with another woman that "gets him". Lucky her
You will be just fine-him? Eh. but do please see a lawyer ASAP and get your ducks in a row. Peace to you today
I hope your AH has a fabulous time with another woman that "gets him". Lucky her
You will be just fine-him? Eh. but do please see a lawyer ASAP and get your ducks in a row. Peace to you today
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by Forourgirls
Heather, they are master manipulator - or try to be. Projecting their actions onto others and their bad deeds as well as manipulating and blaming and straight out lying to cover themselves up and make it look like they are actually the victim. Pretty sick, eh? My ex did this during our marriage and does still to this day (if I shared with you some of his words vs actions you would be rolling on the floor laughing thinking, does this guy actually believe himself?!?). It really is pathetic and shows their character-or what the disease has done to them. I know you're hurting-and feeling low. Id say most of us spouses have battled depression during our marriages-when you're reality is distorted, not validated, you are lied to on a daily basis, abused, neglected, and all of these are denied, hmmmm, it's no wonder we depress!
I hope your AH has a fabulous time with another woman that "gets him". Lucky her
You will be just fine-him? Eh. but do please see a lawyer ASAP and get your ducks in a row. Peace to you today
I hope your AH has a fabulous time with another woman that "gets him". Lucky her
You will be just fine-him? Eh. but do please see a lawyer ASAP and get your ducks in a row. Peace to you today
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Hi Heather,
It's wonderful that you have a therapist to help you with this! Have you also tried Alanon yet? It was at first a life-saver for me that I didn't want. Now it's become a gift that I'm so glad to have in my life.
I'm in Montana, too, and it seems we have a lot of thriving Recovery communities around. I'm very rural and drive over an hour to get to meetings. I'm so glad they're available.
District 1 doesn't seem to list which meetings have child care available -- calling the phone number listed may provide info on that. If you can't find any with child care, let the contact person know you're in need of help and ask. They can likely put you in contact with other parents who will have experience with balancing kids and meetings!
http://www.mt.al-anon.alateen.org/district1.asp
Send me a pm if you're ever heading towards Missoula or Bozeman and would like to meet up for coffee, tea or a walk outside!
Ktf
It's wonderful that you have a therapist to help you with this! Have you also tried Alanon yet? It was at first a life-saver for me that I didn't want. Now it's become a gift that I'm so glad to have in my life.
I'm in Montana, too, and it seems we have a lot of thriving Recovery communities around. I'm very rural and drive over an hour to get to meetings. I'm so glad they're available.
District 1 doesn't seem to list which meetings have child care available -- calling the phone number listed may provide info on that. If you can't find any with child care, let the contact person know you're in need of help and ask. They can likely put you in contact with other parents who will have experience with balancing kids and meetings!
http://www.mt.al-anon.alateen.org/district1.asp
Send me a pm if you're ever heading towards Missoula or Bozeman and would like to meet up for coffee, tea or a walk outside!
Ktf
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