redatlanta

I suggest a couple of things. I believe what you are saying about custody and preference toward the mother, it is really no different here. Its not impossible though for the father to receive custody. I suggest you go see a Solicitor just to educate yourself on the situation. There might be something that you should be doing as far as documenting IN CASE you ever decide to go that route.

As to your other dilemma regarding the drinking.

I'm close to the edge, my health both physically and mentally is suffering and despite my pleas that I want to stop drinking to get healthier she doesn't give a damn and I don't know what to do now - it's just really hard.

She is NOT making you drink, you are choosing to. You say that you do not have a dependence on alcohol, I hope that is true, but it might be worth evaluating that again. If your reasons for staying in the marriage are because of your kids, your love for them, then Raheem, why are you regularly getting intoxicated with your wife when you have children? An intoxicated parent is not a good parent. What would you do if one of your children had an emergency, or needed medical attention and both of you were drunk?

Additionally the alcohol is affecting your physically making you sick and mentally making you depressed. Is that a healthy parent? If you are sick with hangovers and mentally feeling bad how are you at your top performance as a parent? the best you can be in this situation is the healthy parent as opposed to the alcoholic one.

Your reasoning for continued drinking with her implies that if you don't drink with her that you all will break up. Is that the case? What does your wife say when you don't drink? If you choose not to drink with her does that result in an argument?

It sounds like you have little control over your own life. You drink when she tells you to, she drinks to excess, she threatens you with your children. Its a very abusive situation.

Would it be possible for you to see a therapist to help you work through some of these issues?

CentralOhioDad

^^^^^ What she said. Ditto

raheem

Hi guys.

It's been playing on my mind since the 20th July when I saw Carol Star's post with the acronym 'denial'. I'm worried Carol might be right. Tonight - like every night - my wife asked if I wanted to drink. My mind said no but my body said yes. And now I'm really upset thinking I really am in denial myself. When I first reached out to you all on this forum, I KNOW I was OK and being pressured into drinking, but all this time later, you're rightly making me doubt myself. :'(

redatlanta, thank you for your message. I feel like s*** now, I'm preaching about my wife but your very valid arguments are making me think of myself. I will go through your questions as I think that will help:

I am evaluating my dependence on alcohol, and it's scary. I know I was regularly getting intoxicated with my wife because that is what she wanted but now I don't know. We live a 2 minute ambulance drive from the hospital so if there was a medical emergency the kids would be as OK as possible, but I'm aware that being drunk we might not spot the signs so that is still a problem.

No, I understand I'm not a healthy person when hungover, and thus am not on top form for the kids.

If I choose not to drink with her then nagging pursues and she tries every trick in the book to get me to agree and to be her drinking buddy.

I can not see a therapist or go to any groups - I just wouldn't be able to get away with it secretly.

I have tried to answer all of your questions in full and I would really appreciate some advice from you all on what to do now.

I'm feeling like I want to drink and 'so what, what harm will it do if it keeps a peaceful house' but I know I need to say no.

And it is literally the power to say 'no' that I need because I'm never asking the question, but I now know thanks to you all that I'm still just as culpable... :'(

All the best, Raheem.

Carol Star

In AA literature it says we(alcoholics) have a genetic physical allergy,mental compulsion, spiritual malady-and for me I have problems with honesty- yep- oops maybe- maybe am one of the 1 in 9 people who can't drink. It starts a snowball effect- impulse control chemical thing in my body- I cannot stop.

FeelingGreat

Hi Raheem, not all alcoholics are born with a strong genetic pre-disposition. Some people like me practice for several years and set up a dependence on alcohol. Once there, you're an alcoholic and have to stay away from drinking for good.

Your home is a very unhealthy place. The children are seeing a dominant alcoholic mother and a father who can't stand up to her. Your comment about 'not getting away' with getting treatment for yourself sounds like a child getting away with mischief rather than an adult in a marriage.

If you can make talking to a health professional your top priority. You need support to make changes in your life for the sake of the children.

Carol Star

And in my AA literature- "a's are incapable of being honest with themselves...."

LexieCat

Um, that's not in any AA literature I've ever read. The Big Book says, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Alcoholics Anonymous, page 58 ("How It Works").

Alcoholics most definitely ARE "capable of being honest with themselves"--in general--or no one would ever recover. Those who are "constitutionally incapable" are those whose "chances are less than average."

BeachPlease

Raheem,

I'm somewhat new to posting on SR, and I've found it to be a big help. I'm sorry that you're embarrassed to reach out for help. Unfortunately, SR can't solve all of our problems. At the end of the day, what matters is your health and a healthy environment for the kids. I didn't want to go to Al-Anon for the first time. I was ashamed and afraid I'd see someone I knew. I work with the public and sometimes you run into people, you know? Then I figured, if they're there then we've got something in common so no way to be embarrassed there. I don't know where you live, maybe it's a smaller community, but I encourage you to seek outside help.

If you need to go to AA, then try that too. Temporary embarrassment pales in comparison to a miserable existence. Take care of yourself.