SadInTX

sorry you are going through this...i know how you feel....I too used to drink with my AH just to keep the peace...or so I said to myself...it didn't always work out that way. You need to take care of yourself first...for your kids...they deserve one sober parent in the house (really they deserve two sober parents). Let her go out and drink if that is what she wants. Don't get sucked into "if you don't drink with me you are not spending quality time with me." that is her trying to make you feel guilty...it sounds like she is in denial of her alcohol abuse...she doesn't want to lose her drinking buddy...then she will have to face the reality of her problem with alcohol...just start over today...you can do it!

DoubleDragons

My mother-in-law drank along to keep the peace with my alcoholic father-in-law. He died at age 59 and she was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver soon after he died. She quit drinking, thankfully and is alive and well at age 76. My father drinks along to keep the peace with my alcoholic mother. They are essentially isolated from almost all of their family and friends, due to her drunken antics. It is so sad to see two lives destroyed by one person's problem.

I quit drinking over two years ago and I can say that it is quite possibly the best decision that I have ever made in my life, short of marrying my husband and having my children. Give not drinking a good college try, at least 6 months. Given all of the years that you have given to drinking, 6 months is nothing. You will never be healthier nor clearer on what direction that you want your life to go.

BoxinRotz

She'll quit when she's ready n only when she's ready. You have no bearing on her quitting. You could stay n she'd drink. You could take the kids n go n she'd still drink.

You need to stop drinking with her. Not just stopping with her but for yourself. You said you don't want to drink because of how it makes you feel, so stop. You'll feel better.

Her going through her arsenal to get you to drink is like her playing a game. She's going to make her moves to convince you that it's ok to drink when you really don't want to. Her throwing out the sexual prowess, the threats of leaving, he happy or horrifying demeanor to get her way (you drinking with her) is a game to her and let's face it, no one likes to lose.

You have a choice. You can get better and recover from alcohell, or you can open the flood gates and join her and lose yourself and your children to this. If you choose to join her, you will lose everything. It will happen. If you stop, she is going to get horrible with you because she is losing her drinking buddy. You must prepare yourself for that fall out.

As I said earlier, you will never stop her. You can only stop yourself. Your children deserve a parent tg at will protect them, especially if one is not capable of doing it. Your wife is not capable. So I will ask you, what are you going to do?

raheem

Hi guys.

Your posts have brought a lot of strength up in me that I didn't realise I had. It's actually quite emotional reading your posts as I thought maybe I was overreacting until I came here and started reading. You totally get me and I'm so thankful for that, I genuinely thought I was alone in this but to know all of these things that she puts me through are not in my head - and are not normal - is a huge relief.

Amy, that sounds totally familiar. I do enjoy a drink and even a blowout from time to time, but it has now become a part of everyday life and that is certainly not what I want or ever wanted.

SadinTX, DoubleDragons and BoxinRotz, I really appreciate your posts as well.

I'm stuck in the sense that there is no way I would get custody of the kids so I can't even leave with them to get them away from it. Two are step kids and one is biological and she hides everything very well to the outside world so I wouldn't stand a chance in court. I need to stay to protect them. I know I'd have been gone by now if it weren't for them.

BoxinRotz, your post is really powerful. I am going to stay and I am not going to drink with her. I finally stood my ground last night and guess what, she drank anyway. The sad thing is that over the past week I've realised that she doesn't like family life. She likes family life with a drink but when you take that away from her she really doesn't like life. I honestly believe that she loves the drink more than us and if I don't give in to her she'll just get rid of me and try and find someone who will do what she wants.

I'd say so be it to that, but no way I'm having my kids brought up by whoever she decides to bring along.

It's a tough situation guys but last night was a massive step. I know I can't change her and I now don't even care about trying. I'm in it for the kids and myself. Earlier this year I set a date to leave her. One week after my youngest's 18th birthday so that I can see them through growing up. I've set up a secret fund that I pay into weekly that she doesn't know about that will go to him when he turns 18, that way I know all of our money isn't getting gulped away. Only another 15 years to go ha!

Thanks, Raheem.

BoxinRotz

You need to start a personal diary of her antics and keep it for future use if you ever find yourself in court fighting for your children. Dates and times Raheem... date it with the time and write about what she did and how it played out. She'll deny it because that wasn't her, it was the alcohol. No one drinks 4-5 bottles of wine a night and remembers what they did! She has a problem and until she admits it, your life with her will be in alcohell. Staying for your children is the wrong thing to do. You can get them if you document your life with her and how she interacts with the children. It takes time and right now, time is all you have to build your case to save them from this. It's not just her disease. Its,a family disease and everyone is affected. My dogs were affected. My dogs. Can you imagine what a child ghosthoes through?! I was so glad I didn't have children with my husband. We have kids to other people and a granddaughter. Our 2year old granddaughter wanted NOTHING to do with him because she did not trust him. 2 years old Raheem. Hes recovery now and she adores him. Children need protected and they can not do it themselves. They need a competent adult to provide calm and serenity to them.

ardy

Hi all ... something to look forward to .. a flower a single rose.. on the dinner table.. ice cream... pop corn and a fav movie.. maybe she is reaching out for the little things that have been lost to the side of life as the years have gone by.. music that you used to listen to in the dark of the living room. awayfrom tv and computers... a cooking together for dinner.. candles in the twinkle of the room.. Ed has been sick for so long. have had to put alot to the side.. even a walk in the park.... something special to look forward to .... please look into your heart and what was special a long time ago. and do them again.. prayers of safety to all ardy...

LexieCat

Raheem, putting your son through sixteen years of hell living with an alcoholic parent isn't protecting him. Yes, as Rotz suggested, start documenting her drinking and her behavior. I'd also suggest consulting an attorney, who can give you guidance about how to proceed. Mothers don't automatically get custody any longer. I'm not suggesting you have to leave her immediately, but you would be well advised to find out how to be in the best possible position if that did become necessary. Knowledge is power, and it's much better to start laying some groundwork now than to find out when you DO want to leave that you should have been doing x, y, or z years ago.

Is the father of your stepchildren in the picture? Does he know what's going on?

You do need to put the welfare of the kids first. Which is another excellent reason for you not to drink, yourself. One of you needs to be a responsible parent--suppose one of the kids had to be rushed to the doctor and neither of you was in any condition to drive?

raheem

A while since I've been here, guys, but the problem is of course still ongoing. I have tried and keep trying everything in my power to change things but it always comes back to the fact that I have to be her drinking buddy, and although I don't want to carry on doing it and promise myself time after time that I'll keep strong, I keep finding myself agreeing to have a drink just to keep the peace.

I'm close to the edge, my health both physically and mentally is suffering and despite my pleas that I want to stop drinking to get healthier she doesn't give a damn and I don't know what to do now - it's just really hard.

I see my youngest son now 4 years old and couldn't bear to leave him for good with her, and I also couldn't legally take him with me although I gladly would. I failed to mention before through embarrassment that I'm partially disabled and although I can take care of my kids 100%, there's no way the courts would rule in my favour.

How can I keep strong and not drink with her, guys? I realise I am part of the problem being mostly unable to say 'no' but it's just hard.

My mum said something to me the other day and it really made me quite sad and wish that I could confide in her or someone else - but I just keep it all to myself. I was joking around with her and she said it was nice to see me smile because she never sees me smile anymore. It got me thinking that she's right! Apart from when I'm interacting with my kids I haven't genuinely smiled for probably half a decade.

I'm lost to alcohol, guys, and I'm struggling to see a realistic way back.

(I still treat my wife like a princess, so she isn't yearning for my attention or anything else. Inside I'm struggling with any real feeling apart from despise towards her.)

Raheem.

LexieCat

How is it that you "couldn't legally take" your son with you if you leave? Have you consulted a lawyer? I'd highly recommend that. I don't know where you live (the U.K. possibly?) but many courts would favor a healthy parent with a disability over a parent with a serious alcohol problem.

It sounds as if you are terrified of any conflict with your wife around this issue. Is she violent? If so, there are resources to help. If she just gets mad and has a tantrum, though, you need to allow her to be as mad as she wants to be.

I read, many years ago, a quote in a book that went, "If the situation is killing you, get the hell out." This home situation is terrible for your son, and it's terrible for you, too.

Refiner

I don't understand. Why must you drink with her? It sounds like your main issue is the alcohol YOU consume is making you sick. So STOP DRINKING IT. Let her drink on her own. Yah, her drinking on her own will eve one the main problem. But Good Lord if the drinking is making you sick, why would you continue to do it? It dodo sound like YOU'RE an alcoholic - so why is stopping an issue for your health's sake?

theuncertainty

I'm so sorry to hear things haven't changed any, Raheem. I second Lexie's suggestion of talking with a lawyer. The court's first concern when children are involved in a divorce case is the welfare of the children. If you're able to care for them, I would hope that the court would take that - as well as your wife's addiction - into consideration in any custody plans.

Setting boundaries can be so hard to do. Early in my relationship with AXH, I tried to "drink with" him, because he didn't want to drink alone. However, due to so many factors, there was no way I could drink the way he did and I didn't want to. Telling him no and dealing with his behavior when I did was really hard and sometimes scary, so I can commiserate.

I don't see her agreeing to not drink - or to wholeheartedly agree that you don't have to drink - just because that's not how addiction works. It's not logical and and it's not reasonable. Unfortunately, that means you're going to have to let go of any expectations that she be logical and reasonable when it comes to anything that touches on drinking. And following the three C's: you don't cause her drinking, you can't control her drinking and you can't cure her drinking. However. You can take control of what you do. It won't be easy and it sounds like it will make her angry, but keeping the reason why you're doing it foremost in your mind, it'll start to get... maybe not easier, but more simple.

Wells

Raheem,

I'm wondering if you're not drinking with her just because you are trying to continue the relationship and that's the only way. I read your posts and my heart goes out to you, as my situation is similar (without kids thankfully) but all your words ring so true and I sorry you have to deal with all this.

In my case, if I wanted to spend leisure time with my AGF it would need to involve alcohol. Yes this includes going to a baseball game, watching a movie, going to a family event or a neighborhood BBQ, going out for a meal, cooking a meal at home -- None of those are activities that interest her unless there can be a drink in her hand. I assume your situation is similar and you have a drink with her because you can participate.

I read some other posts when people were trying to do the same thing but NOT drink with their partner...I preferred to just remove myself completely from the room/house/situation as much as possible when she drank, which basically meant stopping doing anything together -- This drove her to other friends and people who she could share the drink with.

So, I'm wondering if you drink with her to keep her from drinking with someone else so the family stays together? I'm not sure I have a great solution if when you refuse to raise a glass with her, it drives her away.

It doesn't sound like you enjoy her company when she is drinking. So, I think the healthy thing to do, if possible, is just to distance yourself as much as you can from her, any time she has a drink. I realize with the family and kids it's hard. That has worked for me as far as my personal well being (didn't slow her down, and as I said it also distanced us more, she just found other enablers that enjoy drinking with her -- That will pass.)

That said, just noticed your situation and that you have been dealing with it for a long time. So have I, so from one guy to another, just wanted to jump in and say I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. There are good people here with great advice. The best I can give is to do your best to distance yourself and also definitely not to drink with her anymore.

Like you I enjoy the occasional drink of alcohol and I guess I am lucky enough to manage it without needing it to run my life. When I realized how bad the problem with my GF was, I decided I would no longer drink in front of her at all because my one beer after mowing the lawn turned into her 6 beers -- She was "having a drink with me". A's love excuses to start drinking. A good day, a bad day, Monday, you're having a drink, they're thirsty, it's hot out, it's cold out, etc. So take those options off the table. I will definitely say any time you join her, that makes it easy for her to drink and to excess. I bet if you open a bottle of wine together you get a glass and she gets the rest, right?

Anyway, just wanted to tell you, that you are not alone and you did the right thing to come here to talk. I hope you keep coming back!

AnvilheadII

raheem.....is that you feel you cannot say NO to HER...........or to the alcohol? often the partner can have a problem or develop a dependence upon alcohol too.

if it's HER, well she isn't a tiger right? besides some fussing and stomping like a two year old, do you see any other DANGER? have you TRIED it?

raheem

Thank you all for your words of advice. I am definitely not alcohol dependent although I do enjoy a drink for those wondering.

My wife has been violent with alcohol in the past (she once threw a very heavy mirror at my face and has also slapped me and thrown other things) but that isn't what scares me. I think deep down she knows I'm only here for the children and she will use them against me every single time we argue, which is why I try and keep the peace.

I know it's hard for some people to understand why I continue to drink with her even when I don't want to and it makes me ill so I'll try and explain my flawed view.

The kids are the only thing in the world that matter to me and they matter to me more than myself - as is the case with most parents. I justify my situation by saying that I am miserable with life but happy with my kids. If I left my wife then I would be miserable with life and doubly miserable with my wife making it hell to be a father - as well as making them sad by going through the pain of their parents divorcing. The times in the past that I have refused to drink I have seen that she gets bored with life and I know that if it continued, she would find a reason to leave - hence the kids leaving too. So that is my reasoning, however stupid it seems.

I am in the UK and the courts will favour the mother almost every time in a custody battle unless there are serious circumstances. Unfortunately for me she hides her alcoholism from other people very well, as 'wine o'clock' starts at 7pm and no-one sees what she's like on a day-to-day basis apart from me. I have recordings and text messages I've written to myself but it would all be circumstantial evidence in a UK court. If I leave, I will undoubtedly be leaving my kids in her hands, there really isn't any disputing that.

One of you helpful folk mentioned about the reasons your partner will use to drink and yes, it is definitely the same. Any excuse is the only way to describe it - good or bad.

I don't expect this to be sorted any time soon so I'm really just venting to you nice people as I have no other outlet - I'm a very private person and would be embarrassed to speak to anyone in person. I have been remaining pretty strong in the last week though and haven't drank with her every single night which is a big plus for me.

Thanks again, Raheem.

raheem

Just want to post a little extract of our texts to show you a snippet of what she's like (her first):

"Have some wine with me tonight pretty please x I'll get up and you can stay in bed xx please"

[I didn't reply]

"It would make me happy x"

"It's making me ill and making my days miserable and unhappy x"

"I swear this would be the last time baby, and we can both work together from tomorrow to sort our health out xx"

"No I'm ill coz of it, why do you want me to drink when it's making me ill?"

"I don't want you Ill but you totally ignored it would cheer me up."

"So it'd cheer you up but it's making me physically and mentally ill but I'm supposed to drink to cheer you up. Unbelievable."

"You've just read that all wrong! Omg forget it! everything is always you're way! You don't want sex with me, you don't want to take me out anywhere, you don't want to drink in the house with me, you don't want to come to bed with me at a reasonable hour. And your making me feel bad!"

"I've drank with you every night bar one for 3 months. Get a grip."

"You give me so much to look forward too! I'm not arguing with you, I'll be home later! You promised things would be positive but you constantly on a downer! Do you think this is great for me? X"

Etc etc

Ariesagain

That's some active addiction there...interesting that she requires you to drink to legitimize hers...often the reaction is, 'hey, more for me then!'

I agree with whoever said there's more going on here...there's a bullying aspect to her behavior and a quest for power over you. Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you learn how to deflect her bullying?

Maybe try refusing to engage in a debate. 'Alcohol upsets my stomach and I'm not having any." End of topic. You don't have to defend or engage. Stop answering her texts if you have to.

I'm so sorry you're going through this...I'm just grateful those kids have you, because that's some unhealthy control issue she has in addition to the addiction.

Carol Star

d=don't, even= e ,know= n, I-i ,am=a, l=lying , = denial

raheem

Hi, just thought I'd check in.

Ariesagain & Carol Star, thanks for taking the time to reply. I have to admit that I'm not too sure what the 'denial' acronym refers to.

This forum is fantastic and offers hope to so many, you are all amazing people that I'm very privileged to have met, even in passing.

Kind regards, Raheem.

raheem

Looking back through my posts is cringeworthy and I can see that I'm annoying and whiny but I just write how I feel at the time. I know I will pop up in this thread from time-to-time over the coming years but I am very confident that my final story will be one of success - at which time I will feel I can offer advice to others. Hope you all keep well.

Ariesagain

Sending you strength and a hug.