enabling
 

I recently ended a relationship with an alcoholic who also began smoking crack towards the end of our relationship with quickly brought things into a tailspin and I ended it tonight.

I feel really guilty because I heavily enabled him. I would buy alcohol from the store for him (not even for myself, just him) if he couldn't get there. I would loan him money countless times. I would drive him to the liquor store to buy more if he was too intoxicated. I knew it was enabling but I still did it. I would make excuses for his behavior. Stick up for him. I should have known better, I am not completely unfamiliar with alcoholism and have gone to alanon in the past. I swore I would never do it again and I did. I hurt him and myself by enabling his addiction, I was just as dangerous, and for that I feel ashamed.

I just needed to get this off my chest. If I allow things to fester inside I can sink into depression. Needed to vent and this felt like the safest place right now.

Thank you.

Hi Peggy, there may be some part of your personality that lends itself to enabling, and I'm sure you'll be giving it some though over the next few months. You may have some insights as you recall how you felt at the time. If you're feeling guilty about making him worse, just remember that he willingly accepted you looking after him. He must love finding someone who'll do that.

What seems obvious is you have your limit and the self-esteem not to go beyond a certain point. Hope you sleep ok, and congratulations on recognising what was going on and putting an end to it.

Its good you recognize you enabled him. While you seem to focus more on the guilt of what you have "done" to him, you need to focus more on what you have done to yourself. As for him, there is nothing you did that he wouldn't have done had you not. You may have made it a little easier perhaps, but you, nor anyone stands in the way of an alcoholic and their drink. If you had not driven him he would go anyway. If you didn't buy it he would have found someone who would. If you had laid a boundary that you wouldn't enable him my guess is he would have disappeared.

I think you should go back to Al Anon. In the meantime, give yourself a break - you aren't the cause of his problems.

Peggy,
we have all been there, we r all enablers. But you realize this now. The work for you know is how to overcome this and not do it again. You need to keep reading, and educating hourself. Addicts groom their enablers to get what they need, we need to recognize this and work on our short comings.

Hit an alanon meeting, hit the new to recovery and alcoholism forum. If you don't learn what not to do, you will always be an enabler!!

Hugs my friend and welcome to the club, that no one wants to belong too.

thanks everyone. I can recognize how I can improve without taking responsibility for his addiction. Yes that's true, he would have gotten the alcohol anyway. He is 37 years old and somehow managed the rest of his alcoholism career without me there! So thanks for putting things into perspective for me.

I don't buy alcohol for the alkie here. I have driven them to go buy it themselves. Still enabling but as many have stated the alkie would've gotten it one way or another. I've put stipulations on driving them around such as making them think ahead ie if you want something get it now since it's on the way to or from the house or this is when I'm going to leave. It cut down on some of their impulse buying. But as stated they would call a friend and have them pick up something. In the end it's still their decision to buy & drink it.