OMG, please help me!

Old 11-11-2015, 11:22 AM
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OMG, please help me!

hello, this past Aug , my husband started the road to recovery. He was doing great, and recently started "sneaking" drinks again. When I spoke to him about it, he said that if there isn't a place for alcohol , we are doomed. while it breaks my heart, I feel I don't accept that it is the third member in our marriage, that I have to deal with it. I understand one day at a time, but the lying. the lying just feels so personal and I don't know how to react. I said I would leave, and then he could be free, and not a word out of him, I feel used betrayed and rejected, I have tried so hard to help him, I am mentally and physically, exhausted. Doe anyone have words I can remember to stay calm and not lash back? thank you you for your help.
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Old 11-11-2015, 11:31 AM
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Hi, Trish and welcome! I see this is your first post and others will be along shortly to help give you input. Please read and read and read some more, especially the stickies at the top of this forum. You need to educate yourself on the alcoholic because it doesn't come 3rd in your marriage, it actually comes 1st, I'm afraid. You can try as hard as you can to try to help him, but it is truly up to him and him only. Alcoholism is nasty and will rob you of your heart and soul. I'm sorry you find yourself here.
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Old 11-11-2015, 11:38 AM
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Hi, again. I know there is a lot going on in the stickies to even know where to start. Perhaps start with this one: And article on an alcoholic's thinking.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html
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Old 11-11-2015, 11:44 AM
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Hi, trish, and welcome! I'm sorry for your pain, but it's one that's very familiar to most of us, and the good news is that you won't feel this way forever.

He's made it pretty darned clear, it seems to me, what his priorities are. It's kind of like his moving a girlfriend in and saying, hey, honey, meet our permanent new member of the family--if you can't accept that, we're doomed.

OK, so knowing that's where his head is at, are you OK with that? Sounds to me like you're not. Are you going to Al-Anon? I really, REALLY recommend it. You need to get your head clear so you can make good choices for what you want for yourself and your future.

Do you have kids? Do you work and have your own money? Those are factors that will impact your decisions.

We have an interesting thread going today that you might want to take a look at: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...son-leave.html. Also, as Refiner suggested, read the stickies up top, and keep reading and posting. You're in the right place.
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Old 11-11-2015, 11:53 AM
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Just a couple of other things. The lying isn't personal. EVERY alcoholic who is still drinking lies about the drinking, even if they tell the truth about most other things.

Your husband isn't behaving this way to hurt you, but rather because he is in the grip of an obsession. It isn't something alcoholics choose. Now, certainly there are things he could do IF he were ready to quit drinking for good, but it sounds as if he's not there yet. Some alcoholics never are.

If you have any thoughts about leaving, I'd suggest making an appointment for a consult with a lawyer. A lawyer can spell out your options and give you an idea how you'd come out of things if you were to decide to separate or divorce. There's no obligation--you don't have to actually DO anything until and unless that's what you decide you want to do. But knowledge is power, and it can be very helpful to have a realistic idea of how those different options might shake out, rather than just having a lot of "what if"s swirling around in your head.
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Old 11-11-2015, 04:29 PM
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he said that if there isn't a place for alcohol , we are doomed

actually what he is saying is that HE cannot imagine a life WITHOUT alcohol. if you go up and read in the Newcomers section you will see this "belief" time and time again. the alcoholic views alcohol the same way the rest of us view AIR.....the body has adapted to the consumption and the brain has been altered to believe it is now a necessity.

recovery is about blasting that myth, learning to live without the substance one day at a time. not many get there......not without seemingly superhuman effort. and that can take a lot of time....a lot of years.....a lot of stops and starts.

that is THEIR journey.....we have our own.
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Old 11-11-2015, 06:36 PM
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Trish,
Welcome and good for you for reaching out. There is a lot of first hand knowledge of living with an addict here on SR. Unless your A is ready to get sober, what you want really is not part of the equation.

I would second the comment about reaching out to Alanon, as these people have walked in your shoes before you. Knowledge is power and you could use that about know.

I know Lexi and Anvil talked about the obsession of alcohol to the alcoholic. I read a comment from an Alcoholic the other day that blew me away. " I would walk over a dead body for a drink". That is how powerful addiction is, it is truly out of a "spouses" hands.

Hugs my friend, keep reading, posting and educating yourself about this horrible disease.
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Old 11-12-2015, 04:50 AM
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Welcome to SR! Your husband is playing a game of chicken. Who is going to bend? Will it be you? It won't be him. You are at a crossroads.

Its not personal. It really isn't though it feels that way. Many people come here very depressed when they find they can't love their alcoholic sober. The work and the effort wasn't for naught though you may feel that way. Had your husband decided to walk recovery path this would have been beneficial to him. Had you not supported him they way you did you would be blaming yourself for not having tried. You did the best you could for your marriage. Problem was (as is often happens) your husband was never fully committed to recovery. No way to know that until you try.

NO point in lashing back! You won't accomplish ANYTHING but make yourself more upset. You can't logic with an alcoholic! His responses to you will always be in defense of the alcohol. YOU will be the problem, YOU will be blamed. best navigation is to avoid any kind of discussions with him about this. Believe him when he says he isn't quitting.

I get a feeling of ambivalence about whether you are really ready to end the marriage - are you? Its ok if you aren't. We are here to help you either way.
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