Twisted Relationship
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: On my life path
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Twisted Relationship
Hello it has been awhile since I last posted so here is a recap of my family's situation.
My brother is an alcoholic and also has a gambling addiction. Three years ago he was removed from his home by police, we thought he had finally hit his bottom, we were wrong. He has been estranged from his family since then, minimal physical contact and most communication which mostly comes from him is via email and text. His family has for the most part adjusted well to his no longer living with them. There has been great relief of not needing to "walk on egg shells" or "spill the apple cart" because there is an addict living in the house.
What I am wondering about these days where he is concerned is about my sister-in-law and what I sense has become a "new normal" for her and that is not taking that next step to separating from him legally and moving towards divorce which is what she has said she probably needs to do.
Her "new normal" seems to be the place in which her and my brother's relationship has gone. It appears to have developed into a "twisted relationship" in which she allows him to hound her about when can they talk, when can he come home and often say really unkind things to her then send the messages of apology because he was mad etc. etc. (the cycle is all too familiar and indicative that he hasn't committed to being in recovery).
My sense of this "comfort" my sister-in-law may have now, grew more so during our most recent conversation about my brother's antics when her voice had almost an excited tone to it when sharing with me about his attention getting antics and then when I steered the conversation to the question "how much longer does it make sense to live this way" she would become almost seemingly disinterested and uncomfortable.
I don't believe that my sister-in-law is intentionally allowing my brother to treat her this way. I think that because they have been together for many, many years she has a lot of fear of what she doesn't know, what's unfamiliar because she has lived with his alcoholism and gambling addiction for so long.
I also believe she really believed that if she took the stand that until he has demonstrated that he has committed to a life in recovery and been living on his own clean and sober there would be nothing for them to discuss that such would motivate him to get and stay on that path of recovery. It hasn't and her hope his vanishing.
I am also wondering about how helpful is it for my brother to be in this seemingly "twisted relationship" with her?
So that's my update and my "wonderings" about this ever charming life of having an addict in the family. Any thoughts, comments, advise anyone would like to share I would be most grateful.
My brother is an alcoholic and also has a gambling addiction. Three years ago he was removed from his home by police, we thought he had finally hit his bottom, we were wrong. He has been estranged from his family since then, minimal physical contact and most communication which mostly comes from him is via email and text. His family has for the most part adjusted well to his no longer living with them. There has been great relief of not needing to "walk on egg shells" or "spill the apple cart" because there is an addict living in the house.
What I am wondering about these days where he is concerned is about my sister-in-law and what I sense has become a "new normal" for her and that is not taking that next step to separating from him legally and moving towards divorce which is what she has said she probably needs to do.
Her "new normal" seems to be the place in which her and my brother's relationship has gone. It appears to have developed into a "twisted relationship" in which she allows him to hound her about when can they talk, when can he come home and often say really unkind things to her then send the messages of apology because he was mad etc. etc. (the cycle is all too familiar and indicative that he hasn't committed to being in recovery).
My sense of this "comfort" my sister-in-law may have now, grew more so during our most recent conversation about my brother's antics when her voice had almost an excited tone to it when sharing with me about his attention getting antics and then when I steered the conversation to the question "how much longer does it make sense to live this way" she would become almost seemingly disinterested and uncomfortable.
I don't believe that my sister-in-law is intentionally allowing my brother to treat her this way. I think that because they have been together for many, many years she has a lot of fear of what she doesn't know, what's unfamiliar because she has lived with his alcoholism and gambling addiction for so long.
I also believe she really believed that if she took the stand that until he has demonstrated that he has committed to a life in recovery and been living on his own clean and sober there would be nothing for them to discuss that such would motivate him to get and stay on that path of recovery. It hasn't and her hope his vanishing.
I am also wondering about how helpful is it for my brother to be in this seemingly "twisted relationship" with her?
So that's my update and my "wonderings" about this ever charming life of having an addict in the family. Any thoughts, comments, advise anyone would like to share I would be most grateful.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Your SIL has to come to her own conclusions about the relationship. You could share with her about this forum and about Al-Anon as sources of help for her. It's very tough to get a clear head about what you really want for YOURSELF when so much time and effort has been expended on the alcoholic. Al-Anon could help her achieve that clarity.
All you can do is make the suggestion, though. Her decisions about whether to avail herself of help, or what to do about the relationship, are hers to make.
All you can do is make the suggestion, though. Her decisions about whether to avail herself of help, or what to do about the relationship, are hers to make.
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Thank you Lexiecat she has sought some counseling and has done research on her own the Al-Anon meetings though - I have heard her say/ask "why should I go to regular meetings it's not me who has the problem?"
Knowing her personality as I do my sense is that she's more comfortable one-on-one rather than groups.
Knowing her personality as I do my sense is that she's more comfortable one-on-one rather than groups.
Last edited by SoulLight; 11-11-2015 at 05:03 AM. Reason: mispelled name
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Like Lexie said, your SIL really needs to come to her own conclusions regarding her relationship with your brother. If she doesn't want to go to Alanon, there's not much you can do.
Of course, that doesn't mean you can't go to Alanon. In fact, you probably should. Not only would it help you in terms of your brother, but it would probably help you in terms of your SIL as well.
And who knows , maybe in time she would follow your lead, and decide to attend as well.
Of course, that doesn't mean you can't go to Alanon. In fact, you probably should. Not only would it help you in terms of your brother, but it would probably help you in terms of your SIL as well.
And who knows , maybe in time she would follow your lead, and decide to attend as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Thanks Karma!
I suppose I ought to have clarified a bit more/provided more information I have involved myself in family programs with our local Addictions Foundation and understand their value and learned plenty and continue to learn and I am very grateful those programs are available.
My SIL did participate in an 8 week session as well in years back and I have shown her this site though not sure if she visits much.
I feel what I perhaps didn't convey in my post is how troublesome it feels by - what could be the word? - "sexiness" (maybe) of how she speaks about the AB and his addictive behavior. I am not saying she's into him it's not that twisted- it's like she enjoys the drama of it all. Does that make sense?
I suppose I ought to have clarified a bit more/provided more information I have involved myself in family programs with our local Addictions Foundation and understand their value and learned plenty and continue to learn and I am very grateful those programs are available.
My SIL did participate in an 8 week session as well in years back and I have shown her this site though not sure if she visits much.
I feel what I perhaps didn't convey in my post is how troublesome it feels by - what could be the word? - "sexiness" (maybe) of how she speaks about the AB and his addictive behavior. I am not saying she's into him it's not that twisted- it's like she enjoys the drama of it all. Does that make sense?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, yeah, it's definitely possible to get a little hooked on the drama. The martyr role, the romanticism of the troubled soul for whom we are their rock.
It becomes part of our identity, and who will we be if they get sober and normal and boring?
Not much you can do about that--she has to decide she wants something different for herself.
It becomes part of our identity, and who will we be if they get sober and normal and boring?
Not much you can do about that--she has to decide she wants something different for herself.
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