Advice needed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 1
Advice needed.
Hello,
I've recently started to date fallen head over heals for a recovering addict. This is a new world for me as I've never been intimately involved with someone with addiction problems. I'm trying to research about how to be the best support possible for him to transition into a healthy, loving, safe relationship with me. I've never met anyone as special as him and I adore him, so his recovery is so important to me.
I only drink socially very infrequently--- so I have given that up. That's something small I can do to show my solidarity with him. We also talk and he's opened up to me quite a bit about his past etc. He knows I will be there for him and not judge. I've let him know I'm here for him through all.
To cut to the chase I adore him. I love him for all that he is... And this includes being an alcholic. He's divorced, a lot of it steaming from his addiction. It's sounds cheesy, but we've talked about being soul mates. We have this magical connection. He's never felt life like this and I haven't either. He's said everything he can to say he loves me except "I love you." I did tell him those three words finally as I couldn't hold back, but he said he feels love and knows this is love, he felt this all for me, but can't say the words before the love is nurtured more and he's convinced. My relationship is so special with him and I am scared he will block himself off from me now because I said I loved him and he's scared to death of being loved and getting hurt .
I know I have to be patient and I'm willing to do that. I know he cares deeply for me, but it will take time to fully dive in. How do I support him and not scare him of being loved and in a relationship again? I'm looking for any advice to foster the best relationship with him and make him feel safe to take down barriers and feel free to say I love you too.
I've recently started to date fallen head over heals for a recovering addict. This is a new world for me as I've never been intimately involved with someone with addiction problems. I'm trying to research about how to be the best support possible for him to transition into a healthy, loving, safe relationship with me. I've never met anyone as special as him and I adore him, so his recovery is so important to me.
I only drink socially very infrequently--- so I have given that up. That's something small I can do to show my solidarity with him. We also talk and he's opened up to me quite a bit about his past etc. He knows I will be there for him and not judge. I've let him know I'm here for him through all.
To cut to the chase I adore him. I love him for all that he is... And this includes being an alcholic. He's divorced, a lot of it steaming from his addiction. It's sounds cheesy, but we've talked about being soul mates. We have this magical connection. He's never felt life like this and I haven't either. He's said everything he can to say he loves me except "I love you." I did tell him those three words finally as I couldn't hold back, but he said he feels love and knows this is love, he felt this all for me, but can't say the words before the love is nurtured more and he's convinced. My relationship is so special with him and I am scared he will block himself off from me now because I said I loved him and he's scared to death of being loved and getting hurt .
I know I have to be patient and I'm willing to do that. I know he cares deeply for me, but it will take time to fully dive in. How do I support him and not scare him of being loved and in a relationship again? I'm looking for any advice to foster the best relationship with him and make him feel safe to take down barriers and feel free to say I love you too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Mesmi
You say you are trying to avoid scaring your new friend. That's kinda funny, because I find myself in exactly the same position with you. I am tempted to use considerable restraint to avoid telling you what I really think.
The only advice I can give you is this : guard your heart. Date platonically, which means meeting in public places and never being alone with this person until you have given it a LOT of time.
Frankly, I see red flags all over the place.
You say you are trying to avoid scaring your new friend. That's kinda funny, because I find myself in exactly the same position with you. I am tempted to use considerable restraint to avoid telling you what I really think.
The only advice I can give you is this : guard your heart. Date platonically, which means meeting in public places and never being alone with this person until you have given it a LOT of time.
Frankly, I see red flags all over the place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
while you are here, do as much reading as you can about addiction, and the stories from both sides....up in the Newcomers Section, and in the stickies at the top of each forum.
a bit concerned that you JUST started DATING and you are already head over heels IN LOVE. and you came here to find out HOW to help him "transition" into loving you back. the best advice i can give is to slow it way down.......get to know each other over time. over events and seasons, without losing sight of yourself.
you also say that you love him for BEING an alcoholic, yet admit you know nothing of what that really means. as it is he got himself into recovery and that remains a mission HE needs to continue. new relationships with lots of sparks and fireworks can be the downfall to many an addict......their endorphins get all fired up, and it's like being high or drunk again.......and they can lose focus on what is MOST important.....staying sober no matter what.
you have plenty of time. if this is meant to be, it will be whether you go 5mph or 90mph. the slower you go, the better chance you get to see the scenery. it's not a race!!!
a bit concerned that you JUST started DATING and you are already head over heels IN LOVE. and you came here to find out HOW to help him "transition" into loving you back. the best advice i can give is to slow it way down.......get to know each other over time. over events and seasons, without losing sight of yourself.
you also say that you love him for BEING an alcoholic, yet admit you know nothing of what that really means. as it is he got himself into recovery and that remains a mission HE needs to continue. new relationships with lots of sparks and fireworks can be the downfall to many an addict......their endorphins get all fired up, and it's like being high or drunk again.......and they can lose focus on what is MOST important.....staying sober no matter what.
you have plenty of time. if this is meant to be, it will be whether you go 5mph or 90mph. the slower you go, the better chance you get to see the scenery. it's not a race!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
How long has he been sober? What is he doing to support his recovery?
These are critical questions because alcoholism is FOREVER. Many people dip their toes into recovery months, years, even decades before they are ready to effectively address their addiction.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one got sober and has stayed that way for 35 years, the other went back to drinking after almost dying of liver failure) and I'm seven years sober, myself. I would advise EXTREME caution in entering into a new relationship with an alcoholic in any professed stage of recovery.
Assuming that your guy has been sober for over a year (at LEAST) and working an active program of recovery, your best bet is to go slow (as Anvil said) and allow him to work his program as he needs to. Stay out of his way, IOW, and don't fall all over yourself being "supportive." That's truly annoying if you are in recovery.
These are critical questions because alcoholism is FOREVER. Many people dip their toes into recovery months, years, even decades before they are ready to effectively address their addiction.
I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one got sober and has stayed that way for 35 years, the other went back to drinking after almost dying of liver failure) and I'm seven years sober, myself. I would advise EXTREME caution in entering into a new relationship with an alcoholic in any professed stage of recovery.
Assuming that your guy has been sober for over a year (at LEAST) and working an active program of recovery, your best bet is to go slow (as Anvil said) and allow him to work his program as he needs to. Stay out of his way, IOW, and don't fall all over yourself being "supportive." That's truly annoying if you are in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Just my experience...yours may be totally different. ..
I fell for my alcoholic HARD. He was amazing: smart, attractive, so incredibly loving, and said all the right things. It was magical at first. Then it wasnt. He stopped being able to hide. I was burned really really hard. The higher you are the harder you fall.
That being said your guy admits to his issue so you have that. How long has he been sober? What's his plan for sobriety? Ask him about his past and really analyze his answers. Go forward with caution.
I fell for my alcoholic HARD. He was amazing: smart, attractive, so incredibly loving, and said all the right things. It was magical at first. Then it wasnt. He stopped being able to hide. I was burned really really hard. The higher you are the harder you fall.
That being said your guy admits to his issue so you have that. How long has he been sober? What's his plan for sobriety? Ask him about his past and really analyze his answers. Go forward with caution.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Welcome,
Good for you for wanting to do your homework for you... not him. He needs no help. What concerns me is that Alcoholics love enablers. People who do "stuff" for them. I would be very cautious about "helping" him. You need to be independent, do your own thing and don't start "doing" things for him.
It is a very slippery slope falling for an addict. Their one allegiance is alcohol. I know that you say he is sober, today.
I would also ask how long has he been sober, what programs he works to support his sobriety. Does he have any family history, parents or siblings who are addicts. Find out as much as you can before you truly fall for this man. Falling for an addict is extremely hard and very painful. You always question if they are using?
Hugs my friend, find out as much as you can so you won't get hurt in the end, like so many of us here on SR.
Good for you for wanting to do your homework for you... not him. He needs no help. What concerns me is that Alcoholics love enablers. People who do "stuff" for them. I would be very cautious about "helping" him. You need to be independent, do your own thing and don't start "doing" things for him.
It is a very slippery slope falling for an addict. Their one allegiance is alcohol. I know that you say he is sober, today.
I would also ask how long has he been sober, what programs he works to support his sobriety. Does he have any family history, parents or siblings who are addicts. Find out as much as you can before you truly fall for this man. Falling for an addict is extremely hard and very painful. You always question if they are using?
Hugs my friend, find out as much as you can so you won't get hurt in the end, like so many of us here on SR.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Mesmi-
I read your first sentence all I could think of was "RUN" "FAST". Am I being too bitchy? Probably but that's my truth.
Please read around here so you can get some idea of what I hope you are not in for with being in love with an alcoholic. You need to know that you cannot "help" him transition in any way, that's for him to do. Please proceed with caution on this one.....
I read your first sentence all I could think of was "RUN" "FAST". Am I being too bitchy? Probably but that's my truth.
Please read around here so you can get some idea of what I hope you are not in for with being in love with an alcoholic. You need to know that you cannot "help" him transition in any way, that's for him to do. Please proceed with caution on this one.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I read your post and immediately thought of this reading.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ember-9-a.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ember-9-a.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
This sounds uncomfortably familiar.
It took me 2 months before I felt we had this special, I believe he even said magical, connection. It was 2 more months (although I had my suspicions) before he admitted to a drinking problem that he acknowledged was ruining his life. It took a few different times of him straightening up, supposedly flying right, being productive and what seemed like a different person before he came crashing down (every single time), abusive (mainly mentally, but some physical) fights and me running out of anything else to give because he'd taken it all and fully exhausted me, while rendering any words he said as meaningless (which ended up being a timeline of almost a year and a half) before I really understood alcoholism.
We had the same conversations - the unique connection, one he hadn't felt before, one I hadn't felt before. We were going to spend our life together. His admission of having a horrible drinking problem that turned him into a monster sometimes (although he never fully committed to the idea of being an alcoholic) allowed me to disregard some of the negative traits he had and compartmentalize all the bad into the alcoholic category, which made our relationship seem much more fulfilling than it really was.
That almost instant connection, though, is why I stuck around so long.
I'm not saying this is a mirror image of your relationship, but what you posted almost gave me chills. What I will say is that, had I fully understood alcoholism upon entering this relationship, there is no doubt that although it probably would have ended, it would have been far less rocky and painful than it was. What my advice is to you is to slow down. Take the time to get a real grasp on what you're committing to. A recovering alcoholic is still in a pretty complicated process, and they have to come first for themselves while in recovery. The thought he has of being afraid to go all in because he's afraid of being loved and being hurt kinda bothers me. No offense to him, but alcoholics are the ones that tend to do the hurting. There is a lot of self respect and self love they have to gain in the recovery process, before they're able to dole it out.
Has he talked to you about what he means by that - the afraid of being loved and hurt? I'm not saying alcoholics are incapable of feeling pain and hurt, but it's the alcoholism that causes a great deal, if not all, of that. That may be one thing he has to come to terms with in order to give to a healthy relationship. That doesn't sit well with me, and I would personally want to understand more about it.
It's nice that he did tell you straight up about his alcoholism, but I'd caution to fully understand it before fully committing to it. It's one thing to go all in on the unknown with a partner, but alcoholism is another thing altogether. It's best to know what you're getting into before going all in.
So, think about taking a step back, pausing in the progression, and learn about alcoholism and recovery, especially since this is a new relationship (you didn't mention how long you've been dating, but it sounds very recent). Take the time to get to know this person, and understand he may change if he's going through recovery. Alcoholics should change when in recovery, as they are essentially recreating themselves to be a good, fully-functioning person.
Read up on alcoholics in recovery, and those in relationships. There are a lot of posts that cover this on this board, and I believe some sticky posts that may delve into this at the top of the friends and family forum. Knowledge is power and if you're committed to this, you are better off with as much info as possible.
There is nothing wrong with being there for him, but allow him the space to recover, because his recovery is not dependent on you - it's dependent on him. And please take it slow.
It took me 2 months before I felt we had this special, I believe he even said magical, connection. It was 2 more months (although I had my suspicions) before he admitted to a drinking problem that he acknowledged was ruining his life. It took a few different times of him straightening up, supposedly flying right, being productive and what seemed like a different person before he came crashing down (every single time), abusive (mainly mentally, but some physical) fights and me running out of anything else to give because he'd taken it all and fully exhausted me, while rendering any words he said as meaningless (which ended up being a timeline of almost a year and a half) before I really understood alcoholism.
We had the same conversations - the unique connection, one he hadn't felt before, one I hadn't felt before. We were going to spend our life together. His admission of having a horrible drinking problem that turned him into a monster sometimes (although he never fully committed to the idea of being an alcoholic) allowed me to disregard some of the negative traits he had and compartmentalize all the bad into the alcoholic category, which made our relationship seem much more fulfilling than it really was.
That almost instant connection, though, is why I stuck around so long.
I'm not saying this is a mirror image of your relationship, but what you posted almost gave me chills. What I will say is that, had I fully understood alcoholism upon entering this relationship, there is no doubt that although it probably would have ended, it would have been far less rocky and painful than it was. What my advice is to you is to slow down. Take the time to get a real grasp on what you're committing to. A recovering alcoholic is still in a pretty complicated process, and they have to come first for themselves while in recovery. The thought he has of being afraid to go all in because he's afraid of being loved and being hurt kinda bothers me. No offense to him, but alcoholics are the ones that tend to do the hurting. There is a lot of self respect and self love they have to gain in the recovery process, before they're able to dole it out.
Has he talked to you about what he means by that - the afraid of being loved and hurt? I'm not saying alcoholics are incapable of feeling pain and hurt, but it's the alcoholism that causes a great deal, if not all, of that. That may be one thing he has to come to terms with in order to give to a healthy relationship. That doesn't sit well with me, and I would personally want to understand more about it.
It's nice that he did tell you straight up about his alcoholism, but I'd caution to fully understand it before fully committing to it. It's one thing to go all in on the unknown with a partner, but alcoholism is another thing altogether. It's best to know what you're getting into before going all in.
So, think about taking a step back, pausing in the progression, and learn about alcoholism and recovery, especially since this is a new relationship (you didn't mention how long you've been dating, but it sounds very recent). Take the time to get to know this person, and understand he may change if he's going through recovery. Alcoholics should change when in recovery, as they are essentially recreating themselves to be a good, fully-functioning person.
Read up on alcoholics in recovery, and those in relationships. There are a lot of posts that cover this on this board, and I believe some sticky posts that may delve into this at the top of the friends and family forum. Knowledge is power and if you're committed to this, you are better off with as much info as possible.
There is nothing wrong with being there for him, but allow him the space to recover, because his recovery is not dependent on you - it's dependent on him. And please take it slow.
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