Totally confused and afraid of losing her
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: St Paul, MN
Posts: 3
Totally confused and afraid of losing her
well to start out my girlfriend and i have had a wonderful 9 month relationship, weve had our ups and downs but now we are in a serious down and i dont know how to dig back out, im trying to remain strong and stick with it but im totally confused and afraid i will lose her.
my girlfriend has been drinking pretty heavily recently, about the last month to month and a half. Well when she gets drunk she starts to put me down and put out all my faults and tells me how unhappy she is and wants to end things, the next day when shes sober she tells me she wants to work things out and she is truly in love with me. we have a very active sex life together and when we are making love she tells me there is no one in this world that makes her feel the way i do. then she will be drinking the next night and then the trouble starts again. She is blaming her self esteem problems and confidence problems on me saying im the reason that she feels this way. I want to believe that its the liquor talking and not her true feelings. I am almost ready to give up on us but i am so deeply in love with her and will do anything to help her and i want us to work out so badly. i just dont know what to do or say to her anymore, i know she wont go to treatment cuz she isnt going to admit she has a problem. You know how alcoholics blame everyone else for their problems well now you know what im going thru.
i have invested the last 9 months of my life to this woman and want to committ more to her, but not the way things are right now. I dont want to lose her i would be crushed, i thought this would be my last relationship i would ever have and it is the last want i did want to have. things are so up in the air right now and so confusing, one day she is sweet and nice and loving then she drinks and turns into another person and totally rips on me and trashes our relationship and blames me for the way shes feeling. What do i do to turn this around and get us back into each others arms where we belong. I want to be one of those couples that can say we have been to hell and back and we are happier then ever, we have made it work for ourselves and each other.
I know i can do my part im just worried she wont be stong enough to do hers, ive been the strength for the 2 of us lately and its weighing heavy on me. I want to give her an ultimatum but im afraid she will just push me away and without me she will get worse, the friends she hangs out with once in awhile are drunks they drink all the time to the point of passing out, she would only keep drinking with them and i couldnt watch her waste away like that. I love this woman and want to help her in the worst way but i dont want to lose her by pushing to hard.
What should i do i dont have any more answers.
my girlfriend has been drinking pretty heavily recently, about the last month to month and a half. Well when she gets drunk she starts to put me down and put out all my faults and tells me how unhappy she is and wants to end things, the next day when shes sober she tells me she wants to work things out and she is truly in love with me. we have a very active sex life together and when we are making love she tells me there is no one in this world that makes her feel the way i do. then she will be drinking the next night and then the trouble starts again. She is blaming her self esteem problems and confidence problems on me saying im the reason that she feels this way. I want to believe that its the liquor talking and not her true feelings. I am almost ready to give up on us but i am so deeply in love with her and will do anything to help her and i want us to work out so badly. i just dont know what to do or say to her anymore, i know she wont go to treatment cuz she isnt going to admit she has a problem. You know how alcoholics blame everyone else for their problems well now you know what im going thru.
i have invested the last 9 months of my life to this woman and want to committ more to her, but not the way things are right now. I dont want to lose her i would be crushed, i thought this would be my last relationship i would ever have and it is the last want i did want to have. things are so up in the air right now and so confusing, one day she is sweet and nice and loving then she drinks and turns into another person and totally rips on me and trashes our relationship and blames me for the way shes feeling. What do i do to turn this around and get us back into each others arms where we belong. I want to be one of those couples that can say we have been to hell and back and we are happier then ever, we have made it work for ourselves and each other.
I know i can do my part im just worried she wont be stong enough to do hers, ive been the strength for the 2 of us lately and its weighing heavy on me. I want to give her an ultimatum but im afraid she will just push me away and without me she will get worse, the friends she hangs out with once in awhile are drunks they drink all the time to the point of passing out, she would only keep drinking with them and i couldnt watch her waste away like that. I love this woman and want to help her in the worst way but i dont want to lose her by pushing to hard.
What should i do i dont have any more answers.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
ToughLove, welcome to the boards. I wish I had something to say that you would like to hear, but unfortunately I don't. I know exactly how you feel by wanting to help her overcome this, but you know that she has to be willing to change on her own or there is nothing you can do to help her. You sound so much like me... you are worried about her becoming worse without you there to protect her. Truth is though, you really aren't doing anything that protects her now, are you? I would like to think the same thing of myself, but I know I am Codependent. I want to fix my husband and fixing him is something I know I can't really do.
Ultimatums, they can work, but you have to be strict on them. More than likely if your like most of us here, you heart is in the right place and when they fail to stick to their ends of the ultimatum, we fail to uphold our end as well. We don't want to make the situation worse in our own minds.
I would suggest that you try to talk to her openly about your feelings with her drinking, but only when she is sober! Good Luck, I know you are in a very tough spot right now. Try to stick to your guns with things, but at the same time still let her know how much you love her.
Ultimatums, they can work, but you have to be strict on them. More than likely if your like most of us here, you heart is in the right place and when they fail to stick to their ends of the ultimatum, we fail to uphold our end as well. We don't want to make the situation worse in our own minds.
I would suggest that you try to talk to her openly about your feelings with her drinking, but only when she is sober! Good Luck, I know you are in a very tough spot right now. Try to stick to your guns with things, but at the same time still let her know how much you love her.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Two things I have found in regaurds to what you write...
Those who lash out and try to pull down others do so because of self esteem issues within themselves. Pull the other down is easier then trying to pull self up to what we think their level is.
Alcohol and the battle with it will cause self esteem issues as we try to get past it.
As far as losing her... when she is drinking to the point you say she is...you have lost her for that time frame already.
Seek Al Anon meetings for support, info, and help. Till she is ready to stop drinking, she won't stop. You can't force an alcoholic into stopping.
You can learn what is best for you in how to deal with them though.
Those who lash out and try to pull down others do so because of self esteem issues within themselves. Pull the other down is easier then trying to pull self up to what we think their level is.
Alcohol and the battle with it will cause self esteem issues as we try to get past it.
As far as losing her... when she is drinking to the point you say she is...you have lost her for that time frame already.
Seek Al Anon meetings for support, info, and help. Till she is ready to stop drinking, she won't stop. You can't force an alcoholic into stopping.
You can learn what is best for you in how to deal with them though.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi toughlove,
Welcome to SR. Glad that you joined us. There are many people who are dealing with similar situations. The good news is that you don't have to go through this alone.
Alcoholics, and people with drinking problems, usually have to "hit bottom" before they are ready to try something else. Like best said, Al-Anon is support for families and friends of alcoholics. We can learn to deal with the effects of alcoholism in as healthy a way as possible. There is nothing that you can do to prevent alcoholism from running it's course in someones life. But you can find healing and peace in yourself with the support and love of people who understand what you are going through.
Stick around. This is a great forum. Feel free to post, reply, or just browse. Be sure to check out the powerposts at the top of the forum. There is a lot of great information there. To find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." Hugs, Magic
Welcome to SR. Glad that you joined us. There are many people who are dealing with similar situations. The good news is that you don't have to go through this alone.
Alcoholics, and people with drinking problems, usually have to "hit bottom" before they are ready to try something else. Like best said, Al-Anon is support for families and friends of alcoholics. We can learn to deal with the effects of alcoholism in as healthy a way as possible. There is nothing that you can do to prevent alcoholism from running it's course in someones life. But you can find healing and peace in yourself with the support and love of people who understand what you are going through.
Stick around. This is a great forum. Feel free to post, reply, or just browse. Be sure to check out the powerposts at the top of the forum. There is a lot of great information there. To find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: millersville, md
Posts: 4
Hi toughlove,
Your story sounds alot like mine, the weight you carry gets heavy just make sure you have enough strength for the long haul if thats what you want. I used to believe the hurtful things he said to me was the drinking but after years of saying the same thing I started to think maybe its the truth that only came out when drinking. If you love her like i love mine just remember after awhile it wears on you. Ive come to the fact that i cant make him stop and can only love and help when he asks and stay strong for the both of us. It takes a lot of work and you sound determined I hope you all the best.
Lisa
Your story sounds alot like mine, the weight you carry gets heavy just make sure you have enough strength for the long haul if thats what you want. I used to believe the hurtful things he said to me was the drinking but after years of saying the same thing I started to think maybe its the truth that only came out when drinking. If you love her like i love mine just remember after awhile it wears on you. Ive come to the fact that i cant make him stop and can only love and help when he asks and stay strong for the both of us. It takes a lot of work and you sound determined I hope you all the best.
Lisa
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: somewhere safe
Posts: 103
Hi toughlove - one of the steps that I had to work through was the issue of why I chose relationships where the other person was emotionally distant. My first husband was the child of an alcoholic and had intimacy issues. We divorced and then I moved up the food chain and married an alcoholic. Like the first guy wasn't disfunctional enough for me. Its been very interesting to take the steps to self-discovery. I found a lot of good stuff and some really stinky stuff as I explored my reasons and rationales for past behavior, but right now, I feel pretty good about myself. I am making lots of conscious decisions that are leading me towards a more joyous life.
Sorry that I can't give you any encouraging long term prognosis on your relationship, but I can read throughout your post that you are a wonderful, caring person worthy of the best life has to offer. Don't sell yourself short. Don't let anyone else do it either.
Sorry that I can't give you any encouraging long term prognosis on your relationship, but I can read throughout your post that you are a wonderful, caring person worthy of the best life has to offer. Don't sell yourself short. Don't let anyone else do it either.
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