Dimndaruf

Is a person able to overcome this "passive/aggressive behavior" after recovery? My AH has 2 months of sobriety under his belt, we are living separately and I have discussed with him that I'm very much leaning on the divorce option as this roller coaster ride has been waaaay too long for me. One minute he says things like "that's a horrible way to live", "you shouldn't have to live this way", and "I want us both to be happy". The next minute he mumbles comments like "I need a new set of wedding vows", "you didn't go the long haul with our marriage" and "my idea of marriage is different from yours".

I've spent many years with my AH and all the typical behaviors of an A, we have 2 beautiful children together and they're the main reason I've stayed as long as I did. He's doing good (for now) but I don’t get too excited, I know how quickly it can go backwards. Anyway, I've really been bothered by a recent chain of events and I wanted to hear some views...I don't engage in any social media (i.e facebook, twitter, instagram) but if I did boy the arguments the would stem from every like or comment that I receive! My AH is involved in music so these are supposedly critical networking and media outlets for him and I've always been supportive of this. Recently since we've been going through this separation he posts these little emotional tid bits on Instagram, which he’s NEVER done in the past. If I ask him if the posts are meant to tell me something indirectly he will most likely say something like "no, why do you feel so guilty" knowing that they are in fact for me because I look every so often. Today he posted something about loyalty being black and white with no gray, its obvious that he's still salty that I verbally told him that I was ready to move on to see other people and I wanted a separation. I have more balls that he does and I've always been the more communicative one but he will still find a way to say that I didn't say it "this way" or I should've done it "that way". Although he has emotionally cheated throughout our entire relationship (with his ex, in the forms of emails and texts) and when I physically left our house (not the relationship, just protecting my children from his negligence) he texted a girl about meeting up with her (although he never did) where does he get nerve to talk about loyalty. What planet is he living on?

He posted something else about 2 weeks ago saying that you can't force people to be with you. We are in our 30's, why is he posting his feelings on social media? Why have I always felt like our genders are reversed? Why is he so happy every day that he is XX days sober and feeling great and learning so much, never wants to go black....blah blah blah....but he's still acting like a lil *itch? One day he got mad that I didn’t like something he posted and then blocked the account so that it was private, only to make it public again 2 days later….what is wrong with him?

Someone please give me some answers!!

Liveitwell

He's a child-mentally and emotionally.

LexieCat

I'd suggest you stop reading his postings and reacting to them. It's pretty simple, really, you just adjust your privacy settings.

Let him post whatever he wants to, he has a right to share whatever feelings he wants to. Unless it is actually threatening to you in some way, it really isn't your concern.

Needabreak

When someone's passive agressive in that way, I have always found that the best thing to do -- unless there is a threat implicit -- is to ignore them.

And stop looking at his Facebook page. It's not doing you any good.

SparkleKitty

I have wiled away too many hours trying to decipher someone else's motives and to understand why they do what they do. In the best of relationships, we're mostly mysteries to each other. Even if you're lucky enough to stumble into some answers they are never satisfying. All the time I spent trying to figure out other people was time better spent working on myself.

Hawkeye13

He sounds awfully immature for someone in their 30s.

I don't think I could deal with that.

I agree to change your settings and don't check anymore.

Sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge. . .

NYCDoglvr

Bingo. He knows this and will continue to post remarks as long as you're looking. It's up to you if you want to continue this pointless exercise. I recommend Alanon, which saved my sanity and helped me put the focus on my recovery from codependent behavior, not someone elses addiction. I can only change myself. Over others I'm powerless.

Regarding changing passive aggressive behavior, it does happen, I suppose, but only if someone really wants to change. It takes years of hard work in recovery. If you want him to stop, then don't engage with him.

Dimndaruf

I do ignore and find myself to be the bigger person in a lot of situations, not just my marriage. Sometimes that in itself can get to be too much and you start to feel taken for granted. I do look at his instagram sometimes (not facebook) but I look at everyone's instagram the same reasons why everyone else does. I just don't have one because we would be arguing left and right if I did. I see things and I don't say anything to him about them because I think he sometimes wants a reaction from me and I don't give it to him! There was one picture with him and another female with #my fav tagged on the pic. This occurred when we were together, so I had a right to be upset that he tagged the picture with something inappropriate. He told me that I'm insecure and it was just a picture. At this point I was so fed up with his sense of entitlement and hypocritical behavior that I slapped him (I had a few drinks at this time) and then I looked like the bad guy.

Guess I gave him the reaction he was looking for and now he gets to point the finger at me and say to his family "see, I told you we have issues in our marriage, its not just about alcohol"

Needabreak

Well yes, maybe you did give him that reaction, which may have been what he wanted.

Now what are you going to do?

Repeating the same actions over and over and expecting a different outcome is not exactly sane thinking.....

Dimndaruf

I don't react to his postings, I don't say anything to him about them. He does does have his rights, I'm just on here venting about his behavior...that's all.

Dimndaruf

What I'm not going to do is repeat the same actions, I realized that I have become bitter and angry just like him. I'm no longer who I used to be and I want that person back. I cannot control him, only myself so I'm working on me.

LexieCat

Slapping is NEVER ok. He may have been a "bad guy" but you're the one who got physical.

All you need to do is "unfollow" him on Instagram. You seem to think you HAVE to look at what he posts--you don't.

LexieCat

You ARE reacting. Look at how upset you are. He may not be aware you're reacting--at least not here--but it affects your mood and probably affects any interactions you do have with him.

Save yourself a lot of aggravation and STOP LOOKING.

Dimndaruf

I don't have instagram but I look at all my friends and family's once in a while. I don't HAVE to look, I just feel compelled sometimes. I don't say anything anymore to him and I just know he wants me to but I don't. I hate the mind games of the A...drives me batty.

And yes, hitting is wrong no matter the situation. The morning after I immediately apologized for putting my hands on him and told him that I was wrong. Lexie, this is another thing that just bothers the hell outta me, when I'm wrong I immediately apologize but getting an apology from my AH is like pulling teeth....I hate it!

Dimndaruf

Yes, that's what happens when you start drinking at 19 years old and it progresses as you go into your 30's. Your emotional and mental maturity ends up being out of sync with your chronological age....immaturity at its best!

Dimndaruf

I've been attending al-anon and it has been helping me a lot. I don't engage in a lot of the behavior that I used to but I'm still a work in progress and have a ways to go. Thanks.

AnvilheadII

they say - when people SHOW you who they ARE, BELIEVE them.....you've had a lot of years to observe now. what do his actions over time tell you? without any projection of how he MIGHT change, because truly, people just don't change that much - altho there ARE exceptions, those who have a powerful spiritual experience for example.

perhaps instead of sticking around in the hopes that MAYBE he'll turn into a man you can respect and who has something to bring to the table, you can begin the process of accepting him EXACTLY as he is - an immature 30 something with little concern, empathy or respect for others.

LexieCat

"Feeling compelled" is the same thing that alcoholics will say about drinking. And actually, there is a similar compulsion/obsession in both cases. In both cases, the answer is the same--you have to stop doing it. Because in both cases, engaging in it even a "little bit" keeps the obsession alive.

Keep going to Al-Anon. It takes some time for it to sink in that we truly cannot control another person, and that controlling OURSELVES and our OWN behavior is one of the keys to peace and serenity.

Lilro

perhaps instead of sticking around in the hopes that MAYBE he'll turn into a man you can respect and who has something to bring to the table, you can begin the process of accepting him EXACTLY as he is - an immature 30 something with little concern, empathy or respect for others.

Wow A ^^^^^^ that says it all!

Liveitwell

Yes-what anvil said-spot on, as usual