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Was he passive/aggressive before alcohol? Does it ever go away?



Was he passive/aggressive before alcohol? Does it ever go away?

Old 11-10-2015, 03:25 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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He keeps posting because he is getting reactions he likes from you or from others.

Its really a form of reality TV. For some its the way they communicate, and become very addicted to getting response. He is immature, and you are becoming someone you don't like. Exit crazy-town, don't look.
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Old 11-10-2015, 06:31 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
they say - when people SHOW you who they ARE, BELIEVE them.....you've had a lot of years to observe now. what do his actions over time tell you? without any projection of how he MIGHT change, because truly, people just don't change that much - altho there ARE exceptions, those who have a powerful spiritual experience for example.

perhaps instead of sticking around in the hopes that MAYBE he'll turn into a man you can respect and who has something to bring to the table, you can begin the process of accepting him EXACTLY as he is - an immature 30 something with little concern, empathy or respect for others.
You're exactly right and that's where I struggle...I think about how he used to manage his anger when we first met and how difficult it would be to get past a difficult situation with him. I saw a tremendous difference in him the first time he came out of inpatient; his communication, his patience and his demeanor as a whole. That was 2.5 years ago and he has relapsed several times since then, not only with his alcohol but obviously his views and perception. I think about how great things were in our relationship as well as in himself when he returned from inpatient and was bringing something to the table. Its not like I've NEVER seen a change or an improvement in him, I have but he just seems to be confused in his own emotions. He seems to be battling with ego, anger and pride at the cost of our family. H'es extremely spiritual, more than any man I know...that was one of the qualities that attracted me to him. Just can't let go of thinking IS HE AN EXCEPTION? Like you said "there are exceptions".

I guess that's why I try to stick around...
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Old 11-10-2015, 06:37 AM
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Although he has emotionally cheated throughout our entire relationship (with his ex, in the forms of emails and texts) and when I physically left our house (not the relationship, just protecting my children from his negligence) he texted a girl about meeting up with her (although he never did) where does he get nerve to talk about loyalty. What planet is he living on?

H'es extremely spiritual, more than any man I know.

spirituality is LIVED in thought action and deed.
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Old 11-10-2015, 06:44 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
Although he has emotionally cheated throughout our entire relationship (with his ex, in the forms of emails and texts) and when I physically left our house (not the relationship, just protecting my children from his negligence) he texted a girl about meeting up with her (although he never did) where does he get nerve to talk about loyalty. What planet is he living on?

H'es extremely spiritual, more than any man I know.

spirituality is LIVED in thought action and deed.
Very true but we're all sinners and we all make mistakes too.
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Old 11-10-2015, 07:14 AM
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Are you defending his ridiculous behavior?
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Old 11-10-2015, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Sungrl View Post
Are you defending his ridiculous behavior?
Absolutely not! Just trying to be objective.
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Old 11-10-2015, 07:30 AM
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well all that went pop... hugs and ladies they are children that never grow up.. really..
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Old 11-10-2015, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by ardy View Post
well all that went pop... hugs and ladies they are children that never grow up.. really..
Is that where my mistake lies...thinking that once he's sober for a lengthy amount of time that he WILL grow up??
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Old 11-10-2015, 07:48 AM
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He might, he might not. Some people do, some people don't.

Two months isn't very long in terms of recovery, and it probably will help you a whole lot if you aren't scrutinizing every action to see whether there are signs that he is or is not growing up.

Staring at a plant, or a child, or a recovering alcoholic, doesn't make it grow any faster. Growth happens (or not) on its own timeline.

Concentrate on your own growth and eventually you will decide whether you want to continue with the marriage.
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Old 11-10-2015, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
He might, he might not. Some people do, some people don't.

Two months isn't very long in terms of recovery, and it probably will help you a whole lot if you aren't scrutinizing every action to see whether there are signs that he is or is not growing up.

Staring at a plant, or a child, or a recovering alcoholic, doesn't make it grow any faster. Growth happens (or not) on its own timeline.

Concentrate on your own growth and eventually you will decide whether you want to continue with the marriage.
Lol, you're so right!
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Old 11-10-2015, 08:35 AM
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He's not getting it yet. Recovery is a lifestyle change - it's not just not drinking. A person really has to work on themselves and fundamentally change themselves and behavior so they can be a full person again.

He's playing the victim still, and you're kind of letting him by feeding into it. He's still being the active alcoholic with his behavior, which makes it seem like he's not really committed to recovery.

This is just my perception, but it seems like his posts on his social media pages are to both incite you and to paint the picture to the outside world that he's the victim because he's expecting an inevitable collapse of this marriage. He's kind of demonizing you in this world with the posts like "you can't force people to be with you." Sounds like he's throwing in the towel to me, with that kind of passive-aggressive behavior.

I'd strongly suggest following the advice of further detachment here, and concentrating on healing yourself. Either way, you do have your own healing to do. If he ever takes recovery seriously, you'll need to get back to "normal" yourself. If he doesn't, then you still need to regain yourself.

Concentrating on his childish, petty, and very passive-aggressive antics are getting you nowhere. Let him stew in the mess he's made of his life, and let him find his way out - that's what has to happen. You can concentrate on getting yourself out of that mess and becoming a healthy person again. And you should - after all, it's the expectation you have for him. You need to have it for yourself, too.

Best of luck.
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Old 11-10-2015, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by minime13 View Post
He's not getting it yet. Recovery is a lifestyle change - it's not just not drinking. A person really has to work on themselves and fundamentally change themselves and behavior so they can be a full person again.

He's playing the victim still, and you're kind of letting him by feeding into it. He's still being the active alcoholic with his behavior, which makes it seem like he's not really committed to recovery.

This is just my perception, but it seems like his posts on his social media pages are to both incite you and to paint the picture to the outside world that he's the victim because he's expecting an inevitable collapse of this marriage. He's kind of demonizing you in this world with the posts like "you can't force people to be with you." Sounds like he's throwing in the towel to me, with that kind of passive-aggressive behavior.

I'd strongly suggest following the advice of further detachment here, and concentrating on healing yourself. Either way, you do have your own healing to do. If he ever takes recovery seriously, you'll need to get back to "normal" yourself. If he doesn't, then you still need to regain yourself.

Concentrating on his childish, petty, and very passive-aggressive antics are getting you nowhere. Let him stew in the mess he's made of his life, and let him find his way out - that's what has to happen. You can concentrate on getting yourself out of that mess and becoming a healthy person again. And you should - after all, it's the expectation you have for him. You need to have it for yourself, too.

Best of luck.
That is just your perception but it's dead on, you couldn't be more right!! My problem is that I'm still holding on, trying to keep my family (we have 2 children) together. We're still married but living separately and things aren't looking good for us (all my fault of course because I chose to leave, according to him).
I am working on my recovery....making strides but still hitting some bumps along the way. Thank you!
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Old 11-10-2015, 10:52 AM
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Very true but we're all sinners and we all make mistakes too.

well of course, but you totally MISSED the point...you SAY he is the MOST spiritual man you have EVER met and i pointed out at least ONE area where he is anything but.....by having maintained a relationship with someone else throughout your marriage and texting another woman (funny, he just happened to have the number for another woman handy, isn't that just crazy ironic???) the MINUTE you left the house. if that is your idea of spiritual, you might want to rethink that a bit........THAT was my point.
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Old 11-10-2015, 11:09 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
Very true but we're all sinners and we all make mistakes too.

well of course, but you totally MISSED the point...you SAY he is the MOST spiritual man you have EVER met and i pointed out at least ONE area where he is anything but.....by having maintained a relationship with someone else throughout your marriage and texting another woman (funny, he just happened to have the number for another woman handy, isn't that just crazy ironic???) the MINUTE you left the house. if that is your idea of spiritual, you might want to rethink that a bit........THAT was my point.
It wasn't THE MINUTE I left the house, it was actually a few months after I had been gone. The same night he drunk himself into oblivion and had to go to the hospital because he was so guilty and disappointed in his own behavior. He was as wrong as wrong gets. It was a woman from his past who's # he had from years before we were together. I'm not picking up for him or saying he had rights to do so, just clarifying the details. Priests are touching children, ministers are using believers $ to better lives, and some nuns have sex out of wedlock. Doesn't make them any less spiritual, when we make mistakes, we own them and ask for forgiveness.
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Old 11-10-2015, 11:21 AM
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Having a religious title/job doesn't make you spiritual.

Spirituality has to do with your relationship with God or with your Higher Power. That relationship can be damaged or broken. It's hard to judge what kind of relationship another person has with his/her Higher Power. But it is generally reflected in their actions toward others.

No, a single misstep (depending on what it is) does not mean someone isn't spiritual, but when it becomes habitual, it's a pretty good bet something is "off" in the spirituality department.
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Old 11-10-2015, 11:36 AM
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then why don't you just forgive him and get on with it?

obviously i am missing the purpose of your query, so i'm just gonna bow out. be well.
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Old 11-10-2015, 11:44 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
then why don't you just forgive him and get on with it?

obviously i am missing the purpose of your query, so i'm just gonna bow out. be well.
I did forgive him, I have forgiven him many times over for many things. My thread was not based on him and this "text" with another woman, it was simply used with other examples to show the sense of entitlement or hypocrisy that my AH tends to have (as most A's do). The entire thread was mainly about the passive aggressive behavior he exhibits, one minute he understands and then the next he's making me feel guilty for the decisions I make for myself and my children.

Thank you for all your wisdom, very much appreciated!
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Old 11-10-2015, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Having a religious title/job doesn't make you spiritual.

Spirituality has to do with your relationship with God or with your Higher Power. That relationship can be damaged or broken. It's hard to judge what kind of relationship another person has with his/her Higher Power. But it is generally reflected in their actions toward others.

No, a single misstep (depending on what it is) does not mean someone isn't spiritual, but when it becomes habitual, it's a pretty good bet something is "off" in the spirituality department.
I agree.
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