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I am angry even though he isn't drinking...?? seriously?

Old 11-08-2015, 10:31 PM
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I am angry even though he isn't drinking...?? seriously?

He pawned his wedding ring and never used his "hidden" credit card to get it back....so I need to swallow this? What ??

Hubby is again jobless. I am as usual stressed. He has been dry for the last 5 days....and why am I so mad?? This always gets me.

I keep thinking I need to be supportive that he stays dry....but here is thing...I am not buying it.....I have been down this road too many times. The dry out doesn't last.....even with AA it didn't....but maybe with rehab...

And I can't shake that it is my fault.......that if I was ONLY supportive and positive towards him he wouldn't start again...

And we have no money...and it is terrfying.....is there a spouse who is so grounded that this is possible, to be serene in a time like this? That they can just be applauding and comforting in the face of things crashing?

I am just so mad that we are so broke as usual, and him getting another job is not my answer. I want him to bottom out. I want this to be the worst of it. I wanted us to be so broke he had to deal with the consequences. I wanted him to go back to AA and maybe rehab while he had the "free time" unemployed.

His parents swooped in and dropped some money our way....for which I am GRATEFUL and BLESSED....but the bottom stretched out. It wasn't my plan.....The money wasn't to be used on food and gas that we need.....etc, but to "Catch up on a couple past due payments" ...low on my priority list.

I wasn't consulted on where this needed to go.......they handled it with him even though I control the finances.....so he paid a couple bills and felt functioning for a brief minute.


So he continues to search for a job online....
and he is dry....
and has been doing some dishes and cooking.....
which usually happens a bit after his parents give us money and he chills out...

I just can't stomach this cycle. I know a new job won't fix this.

I tried alanon and although i really didn't love it (so intimate, triggered my anxiety) I know i should go back.
I had some therapy which was the best and got my legs back under me... but lost it due to insurance,,,

Thanks for the vent....the angry when dry thing always upsets me. I wish he would go somewhere for rehab and I can get some therapy in the meantime....

I come and go here thorughout the years. When feeling desperate. You all are amazing and a blessing. I just read my last post from last jan. and wow I am in the same spot. Crazy how this train rolls.
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Old 11-08-2015, 11:37 PM
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I can understand you being angry. It sounds like he is dry simply because your broke. Being supportive need be no more complicated than not nagging and constantly questioning his intentions regarding sobriety.

Why not give this forum a try as your supporrt? Commit to spending a little time here everyday reading and posting.

AA and rehab can be great tools in recovery but it really has to be something he wants. Does he want to get better? Does he want lasting sobriety?
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Old 11-09-2015, 01:21 AM
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the family should be offered our way of life

do you have a book Alcoholics Anonymous read chapter 3 read to wives the family afterward at Al Anon they use the same 12 steps as Alcoholics Anonymous and our book Alcoholics Anonymous in Chapter seven working with others it says that sometimes when the wife works the program the husband sees the change in her and he gets better because it's a family illness he has affected you severely you don't have to be an alcoholic to work the steps you can recreate your life and be at peace learn to love and forgive and when you do he may
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Old 11-09-2015, 02:26 AM
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Old 11-09-2015, 04:11 AM
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The only one that can stop hubby from drinking is hubby. You know that.

It is going to be tough to pull up out of the finance problems if the 2 of you are not pulling steady income. Once both are working steadily you are on the path.

In my case, financially, it is all about the grind. Finance 101. Work, eat, sleep, repeat. Live well within the means. This means cooking and eating at home. Lots of left overs. No car payments. Drive an old car. This puts money in the bank account. Most people can't do it. Keeping up appearances is the American way.

It takes years of grinding, but it gets routine after a while. Me and my wife have worked slightly above average paying jobs since the early 80s. We are now debt free. No house payment as well. We still live frugally. It can be done.

It is not glamorous eating at home almost every night and driving a 12 year old car, but being debt free is obviously a great way to live.

I know this is an addiction recovery forum, but thought maybe my 2 cents on finance could help.
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Old 11-09-2015, 05:01 AM
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Amber......alanon is free.....and there are meetings that have childcare....(take coloring books and a snack, etc..)......
I don't know id that has been suggested, before, but it seems likely that it has been if you have been on the forum since 2005.
It is a tough spot to be in, financially, to be sure....and there are survival moves that can help keep body and soul together. A county social worker can help you identify what resources that you qualify for. The fact that you have a dependent child should help you with the qualifications...
Most counties have programs for families with alcoholism or addictions....and, you could get some individual counseling, there, also....

It is not easy, for sure....but, it is doable and there is a way through this if you want it....

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Old 11-09-2015, 05:08 AM
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Amber....another thought....the Salvation Army is active in California....and they have a very good program....very comprehensive for those who are motivated to use it. It is not fancy.....but, fancy is not necessary....
If he ever gets serious about getting sober....there is one place for free help....

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Old 11-09-2015, 05:25 AM
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Amber, I think the way out of this is through you, not him.

If you make yourself (and any children) the center of your circle, your world will look different. What is it that YOU need to live a healthy, happy life? How do you want to feel, to be? If you spend some time thinking through questions like those, you will begin to focus on what you want and then what you can do to create the life you want.

Right now, from your post, it sounds like you are giving away all your power to him. "If only he will change in this way or that way, my life will get better". And while that is true, he is not a responsible partner who can truly care about your life.

What many of us do, and I think what you are doing, is to imagine solutions to your life problems that require HIM to do something different than he is. And then, having defined HIS future actions as the solution to YOUR problems, we delegate our power and authority and ability to act to the alcoholic and we wait. And the cycle continues.

Alcoholics' body chemistry literally changes and their craving for alcohol takes over all their other impulses and commitments. Until they admit their alcoholism and muster the will to stop drinking entirely, drinking is their first need and first motivation.

You still have the opportunity and the right to take back your power and decide how you want to live and get on with the business of creating the healthy happier life you want, regardless of what he does.

Hope you will continue to use SoberRecovery for yourself, our best wishes are with you.

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Old 11-09-2015, 05:28 AM
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Our "plans" for how our partner is "supposed" to hit bottom and choose recovery rarely work out. Some alcoholics have only one bottom, and that's when they die.

You can't control his choices but you can control your own. What's your own bottom?
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Old 11-09-2015, 01:56 PM
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ten years you've been here off and on seeking advice and help for HIS drinking......i can see where a bit of anger and resentment might have built up over that time.

your plan is not going to work....we cannot CREATE their bottom, we cannot arrange for them to finally GET it and finally WANT to quit. all you are doing in the process is hurting yourself, emotionally and financially. hoping that by being completely broke, penniless and relying on the support of others is not going to have a good outcome.

it's time to change your thinking and your life's direction. it's time to consider accepting him for who he is (and has been) and get yourself out of this hole you dug. the only bottom that counts here is yours....when YOU have had enough.
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Old 11-13-2015, 10:04 PM
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Thank you for the replies. I got something out of each reply. thank you for taking the time to do that.
I think it is time. Just not sure on the how......
I hadn't realized it has been 10 years on here....I still remember that night I first posted.
I turn 40 on Monday....time to change things.

Thanks Anvillhead II.....right on.
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Old 11-14-2015, 07:44 AM
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I turn 40 on Monday....time to change things.
When I first discovered that XAH had been drinking, smoking, lying and spending our savings to finance it over the many years of our marriage, I remember shoveling the walk (December) and sobbing as I did it, thinking "I'm going to be 50 in a few years--I DO NOT want to be 50 and starting all over!" Well, that fear of "starting over" kept me there for years more, and now I'm 55 and "starting over."

Don't waste another moment of your one and only, precious life, Amber. Take a step--one small step--towards setting yourself free. You can do it, and reading/posting here regularly is one way to keep yourself feeling strong.

You've wasted all those years waiting for HIM to change. Time to see what happens when you do the changing yourself.
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Old 11-14-2015, 08:06 AM
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Man, I wish *I* was 40 again! You've got great years ahead of you, Amber, if you can cut loose of the anchor weighing you down.

As for the "how"--start making yourself a plan. Do you have your own money/job? I believe you have mentioned children--how old are they? There are lots of single parents out there--it's doable, even if it isn't easy. And you'd be surprised how much more energy you have when you aren't constantly stressing over the alcoholic in the house.
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