An affair is lurking around the corner
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
WF I say take this thing one step at a time. No one says you have to go out & divorce your husband today. We all know you still love him and want your relationship to work. So how about making a positive step for both of you by getting that job. No one says that you have to start divorce proceedings BEFORE finding the job. Go out and look for the job now. This will let your husband know you are starting to focus some of your strength back on you. It will definitely give you some self esteem. Sometimes when one person starts back on the road to self recovery it will give the other person a shove in the right direction too.
As far as being afraid of the job market, that's only natural. We're all afraid of new things and the what-ifs. You have to believe in yourself, self confidence is one of the best qualities you can have walking through the door of an interview. I believe in you, if you were able to graduate college with a bachelor's degree you can definitely whip up a resume & handle yourself well in an interview.
Good Luck & remember that you are important too. It's not just about him!
As far as being afraid of the job market, that's only natural. We're all afraid of new things and the what-ifs. You have to believe in yourself, self confidence is one of the best qualities you can have walking through the door of an interview. I believe in you, if you were able to graduate college with a bachelor's degree you can definitely whip up a resume & handle yourself well in an interview.
Good Luck & remember that you are important too. It's not just about him!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((WF))))-
As far as getting a job goes there are numberous ways to send out your reseme online. Also there are postings of careers all over the place some are free and some charge one that doesn't charge is the "employement security comission" esc for short... check it out!!!
As far as getting a job goes there are numberous ways to send out your reseme online. Also there are postings of careers all over the place some are free and some charge one that doesn't charge is the "employement security comission" esc for short... check it out!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
I believe spouses of A's hit their bottom also. When you hit your buttom you will know it. Then you will make that move for a divorce. It took a few years after I hit buttom to take that step and tell him I wanted a divorce. When I told him this he told me he knew that I was unhappy, he just didnt want to stop yet. I had explained to him over the years what his drinking was doing to us. He did not take it serious, just blew it off. I finally told me I was done and wanted a divorce. He quit drinking the next day, but by then it was toooooooo late. At that point it really did not matter if he quit or not, only thing he saved was himself and his relationship with his children. The husband and wife was history, had been for a while as I did the mom ,housekeeper, yardkeeper,repair person stuff, did i mention work 40 hours a week also. He worked ,drank ,passed out. Only thing differant now is I DONT HAVE A DRUNK PASSED OUT SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE!!!!!! 
You will come to that day also when you know you want nothing more to do with it.
You will come to that day also when you know you want nothing more to do with it.
Al-Anon Saved Me!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 21
Nobody wins in affairs... nobody. Not an option. They are especially degrading for women to experience... the resulting wound would cut very deeply. Self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts. Nuff said.
Divorce should only be considered after at least a year of serious recovery. Both parties in an alcoholic marriage are delusional and suspect to making rash decisions (I'm not in the least bit giving you advice on what to do... this is straight from the program).
Turn your attention to yourself and your children. You'll feel better and it will help you make wise decisions you can be proud of.
Work on living without expectations and your life will be enriched without even changing your living arrangements. Have faith in your higher power that your future will be better for you and your children and it will be. The promises of the program are true.. ".. the family situation is bound to improve..." if you work on your recovery. Get a copy of "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage" and take it to heart. As it states therein, it's up to you to make changes, a change in your behavior will have a profound effect on your alcholic spouse. As you improve options will appear and the path to that new, better future will be illumined one day at a time.
Divorce should only be considered after at least a year of serious recovery. Both parties in an alcoholic marriage are delusional and suspect to making rash decisions (I'm not in the least bit giving you advice on what to do... this is straight from the program).
Turn your attention to yourself and your children. You'll feel better and it will help you make wise decisions you can be proud of.
Work on living without expectations and your life will be enriched without even changing your living arrangements. Have faith in your higher power that your future will be better for you and your children and it will be. The promises of the program are true.. ".. the family situation is bound to improve..." if you work on your recovery. Get a copy of "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage" and take it to heart. As it states therein, it's up to you to make changes, a change in your behavior will have a profound effect on your alcholic spouse. As you improve options will appear and the path to that new, better future will be illumined one day at a time.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,472
Louisedx seems to fully understand what I am feeling [Suffering at the hands of a loved one is hard. You get cheated out of love, exceptance, and kind treatment. You want to feel love and be protected by the person you have committed to and sacrificed for. . ] I feel I deserve better, but my children are what keep me here. My husband is a good provider and father, when he .............
************************************************** **************
I can tell you that I DO understand !!! And I am sure that most of these women here do understand.
You have to do what's right for you.
Hugs.
************************************************** **************
I can tell you that I DO understand !!! And I am sure that most of these women here do understand.
You have to do what's right for you.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
I always used affairs as my drug of choice, I wanted to connect with someone else and have them make me whole. Make me feel loved valued and connected.
It didn't work.
It made me hate ME more.
It made me LESS connected.
Less connected to Higher Power, family and all others. It actually causes isolation.
The same drugs being released in your head by that thought and that action is what a heorin addict gets addicted too. Endorphins.... In fact rats choose the sexual endorphions over heroin endorphins...
And then you will chase the high, well he wasn't the right one to have an affair with, maybe if we had been in a nicer place, etc..
Then you may get an STD like I did.
How would you like to have herpes or worse? How would you like to explain that to future or your present partner? Oh but maybe you think it will be different.... I know I did, I thought it would be magical, that the Chemistry I felt meant it was special...
Maybe you think you'll be safe, hey you can herpes from a kiss, how would you like that on your lips every month or so?
Just like a drug addict who says they'll do it once, or just try it...... I fell down into Hell.
Well it is your life, only you can determine the bottom you'll hit.
It shows by posting your inner thoughts on here that you really don't want to do it. I pray you won't.
If you do, we'll save you a seat at
http://www.sa.org
our growing 12 step group.
It didn't work.
It made me hate ME more.
It made me LESS connected.
Less connected to Higher Power, family and all others. It actually causes isolation.
The same drugs being released in your head by that thought and that action is what a heorin addict gets addicted too. Endorphins.... In fact rats choose the sexual endorphions over heroin endorphins...
And then you will chase the high, well he wasn't the right one to have an affair with, maybe if we had been in a nicer place, etc..
Then you may get an STD like I did.
How would you like to have herpes or worse? How would you like to explain that to future or your present partner? Oh but maybe you think it will be different.... I know I did, I thought it would be magical, that the Chemistry I felt meant it was special...
Maybe you think you'll be safe, hey you can herpes from a kiss, how would you like that on your lips every month or so?
Just like a drug addict who says they'll do it once, or just try it...... I fell down into Hell.
Well it is your life, only you can determine the bottom you'll hit.
It shows by posting your inner thoughts on here that you really don't want to do it. I pray you won't.
If you do, we'll save you a seat at
http://www.sa.org
our growing 12 step group.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
Just to tell on myself Wallflower,
I never picked up anyone at Alanon.... or another 12 step group.. thanks to the grace of God, but I often thought about it. The women are vulnerable and needy.
A perfect lamb for a big bad wolf in sheep's clothing.
You say in your post you are alone. No you're not. God is with you and so are many other healthy helpful peolple, just turn to them, not to sin.
Do the next right thing, don't leverage up the insanity of your life to an even more unmanaeable level.
What about your kids? What would you tell them to do if they were in your circumstance? Then follow that advice.
God is everywhere. You are not alone. Everyone is a child of God.
Yes even Wallflower is a child of God and Wallflower is lovable.
I never picked up anyone at Alanon.... or another 12 step group.. thanks to the grace of God, but I often thought about it. The women are vulnerable and needy.
A perfect lamb for a big bad wolf in sheep's clothing.
You say in your post you are alone. No you're not. God is with you and so are many other healthy helpful peolple, just turn to them, not to sin.
Do the next right thing, don't leverage up the insanity of your life to an even more unmanaeable level.
What about your kids? What would you tell them to do if they were in your circumstance? Then follow that advice.
God is everywhere. You are not alone. Everyone is a child of God.
Yes even Wallflower is a child of God and Wallflower is lovable.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: indianapolis, in
Posts: 81
Yes Wallflower, you are lovable and you are a child of God as is everyone else too.
Give yourself the gift of loving you---------out of that will come wonderful ideals, strength, dreams, etc, etc....the list goes on and on.
I was my weakest when I was my most neediest. You know that story. WE want the best in our love lives...that is what love is supposed to do, right....be the BEST!!!!!
WEll, those loving us and the ones we choose to love need to be on the same page for that thing to work out. SO we just have to do our homework a lot better and stop choosing men that have no real "love" meter....we need to recognize when "they" just want something and really have a problem with giving....it is hard to change a strong love-willed man into a loser. Same thing for men with wives/women...this isn't gender specific, but it happens more often men causing choas....
They have been fooled by their sex-drive that that is love....women too. We all just want to be loved....we just have to learn how and know what is real and what is a wash-over....there is a lot of pain and a lot of mistakes being made by humanity as a whole.....there is a right way to do things and there is standard by which to start things. It just takes time-----sometimes bad things just happen to people who were on the right track in the beginning and they do lose their way for some God-forsaking reason or another. Then there are those who still need to learn and haven't found the way to be whole and complete. We have expectations that are sometimes not fair to ourselves or others----others have unfair expectations for us as well. So what do we do?
We learn from it, we forgive it and we keep on moving/growing/getting stronger and wiser..........
The future is undetermined, but our attitudes have to be guided for outcomes that prove to give rather than take or subtrack from the great possibilities that are born in our hearts and minds, the soul. We must be good stewards over our own souls, we must be good to ourselves for it to benefit ourselves and others.....
Change is enevitable even in situations that are already satisfying...it is a part of life. All things change, Everything must change, nothing stays the same.......we have to be able and willing to move along with it if we want to experience joy and peace.
You can do this Wallflower, you can do this........just move away from the wall and become the flower, it is your season to bloom. You just might like the fragrance that you give yourself.....sometimes we have to close the chapters of those not so good stories in our lives.......it's doable........it's just a matter of perspective.
Take care and thank you for allowing me to share with you. We are here for you, if you couldn't tell already!!!!!!
Give yourself the gift of loving you---------out of that will come wonderful ideals, strength, dreams, etc, etc....the list goes on and on.
I was my weakest when I was my most neediest. You know that story. WE want the best in our love lives...that is what love is supposed to do, right....be the BEST!!!!!
WEll, those loving us and the ones we choose to love need to be on the same page for that thing to work out. SO we just have to do our homework a lot better and stop choosing men that have no real "love" meter....we need to recognize when "they" just want something and really have a problem with giving....it is hard to change a strong love-willed man into a loser. Same thing for men with wives/women...this isn't gender specific, but it happens more often men causing choas....
They have been fooled by their sex-drive that that is love....women too. We all just want to be loved....we just have to learn how and know what is real and what is a wash-over....there is a lot of pain and a lot of mistakes being made by humanity as a whole.....there is a right way to do things and there is standard by which to start things. It just takes time-----sometimes bad things just happen to people who were on the right track in the beginning and they do lose their way for some God-forsaking reason or another. Then there are those who still need to learn and haven't found the way to be whole and complete. We have expectations that are sometimes not fair to ourselves or others----others have unfair expectations for us as well. So what do we do?
We learn from it, we forgive it and we keep on moving/growing/getting stronger and wiser..........
The future is undetermined, but our attitudes have to be guided for outcomes that prove to give rather than take or subtrack from the great possibilities that are born in our hearts and minds, the soul. We must be good stewards over our own souls, we must be good to ourselves for it to benefit ourselves and others.....
Change is enevitable even in situations that are already satisfying...it is a part of life. All things change, Everything must change, nothing stays the same.......we have to be able and willing to move along with it if we want to experience joy and peace.
You can do this Wallflower, you can do this........just move away from the wall and become the flower, it is your season to bloom. You just might like the fragrance that you give yourself.....sometimes we have to close the chapters of those not so good stories in our lives.......it's doable........it's just a matter of perspective.
Take care and thank you for allowing me to share with you. We are here for you, if you couldn't tell already!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: IL
Posts: 8
I am feeling better
I am feeling much better about the whole thing. I am not going to mess around whatsoever. It really is not worth all of the risks. Besides, I want to be able to tell my children, if my marriage does not work out, that I tried everything I could in my power to make it work and was always true to their father. I have reached out here on this board and to a few others on my Al-Anon call list, gone to a meeting, went to church, prayed, done some reading, and I feel so much better. I feel stronger as a person of integrity. I really do like myself and want my marriage to work so that my family stays together.
A friend on my call list really has a good grasp on all of the Al-Anon concepts. Slowly, she is helping me to realize how my behaviors are defeating my husband and tearing down my marriage. Alcoholism is already at work on that, so I really do not want to contribute to it as well.
Even if my husband was not a drunk, I still cannot rely on him to make me happy, meet my expections and change. I have to do those things for myself.
Also, I've been thinking a lot about this other person's motives. His are utterly selfish. He does not give a hoot about what is best for me. He only cares about himself, not his wife & children and definitely not about me and my family. He has this fantasy that he wants to fullfill. I have decided days ago that I cannot be apart of his fantasy.
I have realized that one of my biggest problems in dealing with my A, is not being more flexible. In fact, looking back, I pretty much have been inflexible. Acting that way has not served me very well, so I am working on that concept very hard these past two days. My same AA friend has been telling me to always have a plan B and plan C. I have been living off plan A only. Not working....
I told my husband this morning, during a quiet loving moment together, that our problems are not just about him and his drinking, but about me and my reactions and managing my anger too. I need to make some improvments too.
Thanks again everyone for your insight. I really do appreciate your sharing of your life experiences and mistakes. I am vulnerable and needy, which is also one of the worst times in ones life to act on anything. I know that now. I really do feel the love going on around here. Thank you.
A friend on my call list really has a good grasp on all of the Al-Anon concepts. Slowly, she is helping me to realize how my behaviors are defeating my husband and tearing down my marriage. Alcoholism is already at work on that, so I really do not want to contribute to it as well.
Even if my husband was not a drunk, I still cannot rely on him to make me happy, meet my expections and change. I have to do those things for myself.
Also, I've been thinking a lot about this other person's motives. His are utterly selfish. He does not give a hoot about what is best for me. He only cares about himself, not his wife & children and definitely not about me and my family. He has this fantasy that he wants to fullfill. I have decided days ago that I cannot be apart of his fantasy.
I have realized that one of my biggest problems in dealing with my A, is not being more flexible. In fact, looking back, I pretty much have been inflexible. Acting that way has not served me very well, so I am working on that concept very hard these past two days. My same AA friend has been telling me to always have a plan B and plan C. I have been living off plan A only. Not working....
I told my husband this morning, during a quiet loving moment together, that our problems are not just about him and his drinking, but about me and my reactions and managing my anger too. I need to make some improvments too.
Thanks again everyone for your insight. I really do appreciate your sharing of your life experiences and mistakes. I am vulnerable and needy, which is also one of the worst times in ones life to act on anything. I know that now. I really do feel the love going on around here. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Wallflower:
I really feel the pain, frustration and loneliness in what you are saying and I want to take a different approach to the whole question of whether or not an affair is a possible answer.
Basically I would say this: don't so anything that involves making yourself dishonest and/or a liar and/or a cheater. It is not good for you, for your spirit, for your soul to behave in that way. It diminishes you in your own eyes. whether you realize it consciously or not. On some level, even if it is not explicit and conscious, we all know when we look in the mirror whether or not we are living this day doing what we know and feel to be right and good -- it is soooo important for your emotional strength and health and for your self-esteem and your ability to recognize and do what you need for yourself that you not get yourself in the position where you cannot truly and honestly face yourself when you look in the mirror and be proud of what you see.
And that is what will happen if you start engaging in behavior that is dishonest and deceptive.
Now, this does not mean absolutely that you "should not" have an affair -- but it does mean that you should not do so behind your partner's back. If you have to do this and if you really, truly believe/feel that a part-time lover would help you make it through this very difficult time, then you need to be honest about that with your partner.
This might seem like a crazy, off-the-wall opinion but I am very sincere here -- I do not presume to know what individual people's sexual/romantic needs are and I find it really inappropriate for anyone to try to impose his or her sexual morality on anyone else, but I am very, very certain that lies and deception and cheating of any kind can be deadly, not only to any important relationahip, but also to self-respect and recovery.
Good luck- freya
I really feel the pain, frustration and loneliness in what you are saying and I want to take a different approach to the whole question of whether or not an affair is a possible answer.
Basically I would say this: don't so anything that involves making yourself dishonest and/or a liar and/or a cheater. It is not good for you, for your spirit, for your soul to behave in that way. It diminishes you in your own eyes. whether you realize it consciously or not. On some level, even if it is not explicit and conscious, we all know when we look in the mirror whether or not we are living this day doing what we know and feel to be right and good -- it is soooo important for your emotional strength and health and for your self-esteem and your ability to recognize and do what you need for yourself that you not get yourself in the position where you cannot truly and honestly face yourself when you look in the mirror and be proud of what you see.
And that is what will happen if you start engaging in behavior that is dishonest and deceptive.
Now, this does not mean absolutely that you "should not" have an affair -- but it does mean that you should not do so behind your partner's back. If you have to do this and if you really, truly believe/feel that a part-time lover would help you make it through this very difficult time, then you need to be honest about that with your partner.
This might seem like a crazy, off-the-wall opinion but I am very sincere here -- I do not presume to know what individual people's sexual/romantic needs are and I find it really inappropriate for anyone to try to impose his or her sexual morality on anyone else, but I am very, very certain that lies and deception and cheating of any kind can be deadly, not only to any important relationahip, but also to self-respect and recovery.
Good luck- freya
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 62
Hi WF:
Good thoughts and processing...
I view life sometimes like the weather.... after the hurricane rains passed through we have had a week of glorious weather... sometimes you need a rainy period to truly appreciate the sun, ..... spring is much more glorious because it follows winter.. WF I hope you are goming into a "spring" period of renewal" and hope!
Good thoughts and processing...
I view life sometimes like the weather.... after the hurricane rains passed through we have had a week of glorious weather... sometimes you need a rainy period to truly appreciate the sun, ..... spring is much more glorious because it follows winter.. WF I hope you are goming into a "spring" period of renewal" and hope!
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