AH Gone For Weekend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
AH Gone For Weekend
Just me again. Not sure how I'm feeling. Having a very peaceful quiet weekend m, which is nice for a change.
Ah went to see his mom and sister, mom has dementia and is failing quickly, so good he went. She had lived with us for the last 2 1/2 years, but is now with his sister for the last 9 months
My ah sister doesn't like me, took her brother away from him, she never married. I know that she is supporting his alcoholism, and is helping him continue his anger toward me. Even in his moms dementia she remembers me, spoke with her last week and for whatever reason considers me her daughter.
I guess I'm feeling very betrayed by my ah. He is discussing our private business with a person who can't stand me. Also, j expected for him to call me to say he arrived safe. He didn't. I texted him around 9PM, saying I assume you arrived safe and hope you find your mother well. Nothing back!! The trip is 3 hrs.
Am I expecting to much ????
I know it's over, how do you recover from hateful words, being told over and over again my ah doesn't love me, biggest mistake he made was marrying me, and I'm unattractive, to name a few.
My ah will come back this afternoon, probably wasn't drinking much in front of his family, won't speak much to me, and start drinking.
I don't know if you can love someone, but hate who they have become.
It really does hurt a lot. Right now, I can't move. I'm paying all the bills, new business start up, ah not getting a paycheck. If I leave and ah doesn't pay mortgage on the house, we'll lose it, and I can't afford to pay a house for me and pay the mortgage.
Only other thought I had was his mother has money. Only reason the sister has her. We never took a penny from her when we took care of her. Did he go to visit to get money to pay me to leave. That hurts too!! A lot, since I'm not like that.
Something I realized, I would walk out of my ah life, if I thought it would make him happy and fix his problems. But what I know that my ah doesn't is, it doesn't matter if I'm gone, he still won't be happy and still will have a problem!
Why am I feeling this why????
My ah
Ah went to see his mom and sister, mom has dementia and is failing quickly, so good he went. She had lived with us for the last 2 1/2 years, but is now with his sister for the last 9 months
My ah sister doesn't like me, took her brother away from him, she never married. I know that she is supporting his alcoholism, and is helping him continue his anger toward me. Even in his moms dementia she remembers me, spoke with her last week and for whatever reason considers me her daughter.
I guess I'm feeling very betrayed by my ah. He is discussing our private business with a person who can't stand me. Also, j expected for him to call me to say he arrived safe. He didn't. I texted him around 9PM, saying I assume you arrived safe and hope you find your mother well. Nothing back!! The trip is 3 hrs.
Am I expecting to much ????
I know it's over, how do you recover from hateful words, being told over and over again my ah doesn't love me, biggest mistake he made was marrying me, and I'm unattractive, to name a few.
My ah will come back this afternoon, probably wasn't drinking much in front of his family, won't speak much to me, and start drinking.
I don't know if you can love someone, but hate who they have become.
It really does hurt a lot. Right now, I can't move. I'm paying all the bills, new business start up, ah not getting a paycheck. If I leave and ah doesn't pay mortgage on the house, we'll lose it, and I can't afford to pay a house for me and pay the mortgage.
Only other thought I had was his mother has money. Only reason the sister has her. We never took a penny from her when we took care of her. Did he go to visit to get money to pay me to leave. That hurts too!! A lot, since I'm not like that.
Something I realized, I would walk out of my ah life, if I thought it would make him happy and fix his problems. But what I know that my ah doesn't is, it doesn't matter if I'm gone, he still won't be happy and still will have a problem!
Why am I feeling this why????
My ah
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Z, have you had an appt with an attorney yet so you have a good handle on things? this situation just cannot continue.
try not to get in HIS head too much, or expect even the smallest of courtesies - like calling when he arrives somewhere. assume the marriage is over and this is just an uncomfortable transition phase, and make a plan. at least for me i find staying in The Practical takes a lot of the sting out of it.
try not to get in HIS head too much, or expect even the smallest of courtesies - like calling when he arrives somewhere. assume the marriage is over and this is just an uncomfortable transition phase, and make a plan. at least for me i find staying in The Practical takes a lot of the sting out of it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Z,
You are overwhelmed. Step back and take deep breaths.
No I don't think ah should call to tell u he arrived. You know that he is going to punish you, level the playing field. Make u as low as him. That's how he does it by hurting you.
If you don't have to leave the house then dont. Do what you need to do and pay the bills correctly, work a program till you are strong enough to do what ever u need to do. Don't jeopardize losing your home.
Pray for him. He is in a bad place and needs your prayers. Keep praying as it will comfort you to know that prayers are with him. You will be ok.
Last night there was a gentleman that tried to kill himself on sr, and he has not been back on the forum. Our addicts have a lot of pain. Take care of you and give him to God as he is the only one that has enough power to save him.
Hugs my friend.
You are overwhelmed. Step back and take deep breaths.
No I don't think ah should call to tell u he arrived. You know that he is going to punish you, level the playing field. Make u as low as him. That's how he does it by hurting you.
If you don't have to leave the house then dont. Do what you need to do and pay the bills correctly, work a program till you are strong enough to do what ever u need to do. Don't jeopardize losing your home.
Pray for him. He is in a bad place and needs your prayers. Keep praying as it will comfort you to know that prayers are with him. You will be ok.
Last night there was a gentleman that tried to kill himself on sr, and he has not been back on the forum. Our addicts have a lot of pain. Take care of you and give him to God as he is the only one that has enough power to save him.
Hugs my friend.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Based on everything you have reported lately, I do think your expectations are unreasonably high. I think if you can expect anything from him, it will be that he will continue to unleash only negative behavior toward you. It doesn't sting so much when you see it for what it is - projected animosity. He screwed up and needs to blame it all on you (or really, anyone but himself, and you are closest). Get out of his line of fire!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd suggest you stop trying to figure out what's in his head, his sister's head, and his mom's head.
If you haven't talked to a lawyer yet, do so. The lawyer will give you a realistic picture of your situation. If you file for divorce, you may be able to get temporary possession of the house until it can be sold or awarded to one of you equitably (meaning whoever doesn't get the house will get a larger portion of other assets).
If you "know it's over" then put your efforts and energy into coming out of this as well as you possibly can. Right now you sound very depressed. Having a plan for YOUR future can re-energize you. Don't focus on what you might lose, focus on what you have to gain. A house and money are just STUFF. You have your own income and even if things are tight for awhile, you can rebuild. Lots and lots of us have done it.
If you haven't talked to a lawyer yet, do so. The lawyer will give you a realistic picture of your situation. If you file for divorce, you may be able to get temporary possession of the house until it can be sold or awarded to one of you equitably (meaning whoever doesn't get the house will get a larger portion of other assets).
If you "know it's over" then put your efforts and energy into coming out of this as well as you possibly can. Right now you sound very depressed. Having a plan for YOUR future can re-energize you. Don't focus on what you might lose, focus on what you have to gain. A house and money are just STUFF. You have your own income and even if things are tight for awhile, you can rebuild. Lots and lots of us have done it.
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