Letter to my husband
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Letter to my husband
I wrote the following today....I need help.
Dear (husband's name)
Our last talk seems to have had no effect on you.* You promised me no more secret drinking, you promised me transparency to build trust. You have lied again.
You were drunk Wednesday, November 4th (obviously).* I gave you a few opportunities to tell me the truth….you didn’t.* Our son asked me why you were acting all weird.* He said you seemed happy, then angry, and then really really sad.* I told him not to worry about it, but yes, Dad is acting weird.
“Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. Alcoholics transact in lies and drama and will use any means necessary to keep drinking until they are ready & willing to stop.”*
I need to make some decisions. Am I ok living this way? I am NOT okay with the deceit, the sneakiness, and the cash withdrawals for you to drink secretly in the basement.* I am not okay with you asking for money for gas, when you have cash tucked away. I am not okay with you lying to me……EVER.**
What are your decisions about how you want to live your life?*
You are going to continue to drink until YOU decide you don’t want to anymore. That may be never, therefore, I need to focus on myself and our son.
I am not going to pose the question to choose me or alcohol.* I know better; and I know your answer will be me (of course)…but,* “Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. Alcoholics transact in lies and drama and will use any means necessary to keep drinking until they are ready & willing to stop.”*
I have asked you what you need from me to support you?* I have asked multiple times what is wrong?* I have asked if you are unhappy?* I have tried to figure your behaviours out.**
With that being said, I can only take responsibility for myself.* Will I be resentful if you continue to drink secretly and continue to be deceitful?* Yes, and that will have a very negative impact on our relationship.* Marriage, is based on transparency, honesty and trust, and these values are in jeopardy when you withhold the truth from me.**
I’m not ready to give you an ultimatum (yet), because when I do, I will need to be prepared to follow through on the consequence…and that consequence will be final.
I have supported you through some really rough times.* I have been there for you every time, but seeing you sink like the titanic is killing me, and I can not go down with the ship.* I’ve lost too much already.*
I love you, and I want us to grow stronger together.* I want us to both be happy with ourselves and each other.* I want us to strive to be better people.
Me.
BTW. ..I'm new to this group. I have not given him this letter. I don't really know if I'm ready for relationship to implode.
I've posted this in two threads because I was sure where to post.
Dear (husband's name)
Our last talk seems to have had no effect on you.* You promised me no more secret drinking, you promised me transparency to build trust. You have lied again.
You were drunk Wednesday, November 4th (obviously).* I gave you a few opportunities to tell me the truth….you didn’t.* Our son asked me why you were acting all weird.* He said you seemed happy, then angry, and then really really sad.* I told him not to worry about it, but yes, Dad is acting weird.
“Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. Alcoholics transact in lies and drama and will use any means necessary to keep drinking until they are ready & willing to stop.”*
I need to make some decisions. Am I ok living this way? I am NOT okay with the deceit, the sneakiness, and the cash withdrawals for you to drink secretly in the basement.* I am not okay with you asking for money for gas, when you have cash tucked away. I am not okay with you lying to me……EVER.**
What are your decisions about how you want to live your life?*
You are going to continue to drink until YOU decide you don’t want to anymore. That may be never, therefore, I need to focus on myself and our son.
I am not going to pose the question to choose me or alcohol.* I know better; and I know your answer will be me (of course)…but,* “Alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease. Alcoholics transact in lies and drama and will use any means necessary to keep drinking until they are ready & willing to stop.”*
I have asked you what you need from me to support you?* I have asked multiple times what is wrong?* I have asked if you are unhappy?* I have tried to figure your behaviours out.**
With that being said, I can only take responsibility for myself.* Will I be resentful if you continue to drink secretly and continue to be deceitful?* Yes, and that will have a very negative impact on our relationship.* Marriage, is based on transparency, honesty and trust, and these values are in jeopardy when you withhold the truth from me.**
I’m not ready to give you an ultimatum (yet), because when I do, I will need to be prepared to follow through on the consequence…and that consequence will be final.
I have supported you through some really rough times.* I have been there for you every time, but seeing you sink like the titanic is killing me, and I can not go down with the ship.* I’ve lost too much already.*
I love you, and I want us to grow stronger together.* I want us to both be happy with ourselves and each other.* I want us to strive to be better people.
Me.
BTW. ..I'm new to this group. I have not given him this letter. I don't really know if I'm ready for relationship to implode.
I've posted this in two threads because I was sure where to post.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
You've come to a good place to vent, get advice, get support, and to start your own recovery process when you're ready.
Whatever advice you need, just ask. You'll get plenty of great, wise advice. Or, if you just want to let things out, you'll have plenty of understanding people.
Whatever advice you need, just ask. You'll get plenty of great, wise advice. Or, if you just want to let things out, you'll have plenty of understanding people.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sure the letter was therapeutic to write, but I wouldn't give it to him. It won't accomplish anything. He knows how you feel about the drinking.
Telling him you're not giving him an ultimatum YET is giving him an ultimatum.
Have you been to Al-Anon? It can be very good for clearing your head so you can decide what you want for your future.
As far as "telling your son"--is this the one who was asking why Dad was acting weird? I'd be willing to bet your son knows. I'd be honest about it. "Dad's drinking." It won't come as a shock, I'd be willing to bet.
Telling him you're not giving him an ultimatum YET is giving him an ultimatum.
Have you been to Al-Anon? It can be very good for clearing your head so you can decide what you want for your future.
As far as "telling your son"--is this the one who was asking why Dad was acting weird? I'd be willing to bet your son knows. I'd be honest about it. "Dad's drinking." It won't come as a shock, I'd be willing to bet.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Friend, I've been there-I wrote so many letters just like this to my then husband-I don't think any of it ever helped. I tried so hard to make him see and gave so many ultimatums my word was shot to hell-just like his was! (Funny how that happens!) Mine swore to God he would never choose drinking over me-the love of his life-his bride-or our beautiful kids-but the truth was he already had and contines to do so after the divorce. My oldest daughter commented hundreds of times about her dad's behavior while we were married (she too was four when she started making comments) and even more so after the separation and then divirce. It is so very sad but all you can do is be honest with your little-bc as others have stated, he already knows sonething isn't right.
Vent, vent, vent all you wabt. It's good to get it out-that's healthy! Do what's best and healthy and safe for you and your kids-you're holding their future in your hands. Peace, friend, and I hope you have a drama free peaceful weekend!
Vent, vent, vent all you wabt. It's good to get it out-that's healthy! Do what's best and healthy and safe for you and your kids-you're holding their future in your hands. Peace, friend, and I hope you have a drama free peaceful weekend!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It sounds like you've expressed these same things to him more than once already. What different outcome are you hoping for this time?
You made some good points- you've clearly reached a place where you're aware of all the unacceptable behavior that's going on in your relationship, and that's a huge step by itself- but counting on him to change or keep his promises so that you can be happy is probably going to be a losing proposition.
It's good that you're reaching out for support and knowledge here. This is a great place to find it.
I agree that honesty with your sons is best, and with checking out some Alanon meetings. Those have been a huge help in my recovery from dealing with alcoholism in loved ones and my program has kept me steady through some pretty trying times, especially this past year.
You made some good points- you've clearly reached a place where you're aware of all the unacceptable behavior that's going on in your relationship, and that's a huge step by itself- but counting on him to change or keep his promises so that you can be happy is probably going to be a losing proposition.
It's good that you're reaching out for support and knowledge here. This is a great place to find it.
I agree that honesty with your sons is best, and with checking out some Alanon meetings. Those have been a huge help in my recovery from dealing with alcoholism in loved ones and my program has kept me steady through some pretty trying times, especially this past year.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dear bella.....now would be a good time for you to google Floyd P. Garrett, "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships".
You are trying to apply ordinary reason to a situation where "reason" does not work.
This article will address this concept......
dandylion
You are trying to apply ordinary reason to a situation where "reason" does not work.
This article will address this concept......
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I also agree the writing is therapeutic, but the letter to him is a waste of time. Its only repeating to him what you have already said MANY times I am guessing.
Ultimatums are unhealthy in any relationship. Better to focus on yourself. You have stated you are not happy living this way. Take away from what you have written in your letter..........no point in asking him "me" or the "booze" because he will say he won't drink , but then he does. You acknowledge this. The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome.
A better and healthier approach would be something along the lines of this "I cannot live with an alcoholic long term. If you don't seek recovery and sobriety I doubt our marriage will continue"
This one sentence says what you have written in a whole page. And, it says it without an ultimatum. Nor do you box yourself into the conundrum of lowering the boom on a boundary you may not be ready to enforce.
As for your son - tell him the truth.
Ultimatums are unhealthy in any relationship. Better to focus on yourself. You have stated you are not happy living this way. Take away from what you have written in your letter..........no point in asking him "me" or the "booze" because he will say he won't drink , but then he does. You acknowledge this. The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome.
A better and healthier approach would be something along the lines of this "I cannot live with an alcoholic long term. If you don't seek recovery and sobriety I doubt our marriage will continue"
This one sentence says what you have written in a whole page. And, it says it without an ultimatum. Nor do you box yourself into the conundrum of lowering the boom on a boundary you may not be ready to enforce.
As for your son - tell him the truth.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What red said. You can give him a heads-up that if things don't change you see the marriage as doomed, without talking ultimatums.
I know I had said things like that to my second husband for a few months--this is not going to continue this way indefinitely. And then one day my personal, internal "enough" was reached, and I made plans over the next couple of weeks to get my important stuff out and stored with a friend before telling him I was done and ready to move out. I left within a matter of days.
It made no difference--he continued to drink and continues to drink to this day as far as I know. It's been almost 20 years and I haven't heard from him in the last few.
The letter is really just another attempt to control the situation--to get him to do what he clearly has no interest in doing, despite his knowledge of how it is affecting you.
I think your efforts would be better spent on getting yourself in a healthy and strong emotional space.
I know I had said things like that to my second husband for a few months--this is not going to continue this way indefinitely. And then one day my personal, internal "enough" was reached, and I made plans over the next couple of weeks to get my important stuff out and stored with a friend before telling him I was done and ready to move out. I left within a matter of days.
It made no difference--he continued to drink and continues to drink to this day as far as I know. It's been almost 20 years and I haven't heard from him in the last few.
The letter is really just another attempt to control the situation--to get him to do what he clearly has no interest in doing, despite his knowledge of how it is affecting you.
I think your efforts would be better spent on getting yourself in a healthy and strong emotional space.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Alcoholism is a problem that no amount of well chosen words is going to solve. It took me many years, and many, many wasted words, to learn that.
It's like talking to a cat. It might make us feel good, and the cat may look like it's listening, but in reality the cat is paying more attention to our actions than our words. Are we walking toward the kitchen? Are we reaching for the cat food? Are we standing on a chair while frantically shaking a broom at it while it holds a lizard in it's mouth? (This, I know from experience, works better than politely asking it to take the lizard to the door.)
If you're anything like me you have already barraged your husband with every possible combination of words in an attempt to get him to see the light.
Perhaps, like with the cat, it's time to start translating your energy into actions. Show him that you are prepared to live a life without him and his addiction. Go to alanon. Tell the kids. Organize your house, your finances, your life.
If you love him, he'll know. If you value your marriage, he'll know. But, preparing for a day when you might have to, not only give him an ultimatum, but go through with it, will speak more than any letter you could write.
It's like talking to a cat. It might make us feel good, and the cat may look like it's listening, but in reality the cat is paying more attention to our actions than our words. Are we walking toward the kitchen? Are we reaching for the cat food? Are we standing on a chair while frantically shaking a broom at it while it holds a lizard in it's mouth? (This, I know from experience, works better than politely asking it to take the lizard to the door.)
If you're anything like me you have already barraged your husband with every possible combination of words in an attempt to get him to see the light.
Perhaps, like with the cat, it's time to start translating your energy into actions. Show him that you are prepared to live a life without him and his addiction. Go to alanon. Tell the kids. Organize your house, your finances, your life.
If you love him, he'll know. If you value your marriage, he'll know. But, preparing for a day when you might have to, not only give him an ultimatum, but go through with it, will speak more than any letter you could write.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^ spot on. I know without a doubt my ex loved me. I know he knows I loved him too. The good stuff. I think somewhere deep inside I always knew my bottom was coming-some day, year, decade (!)...I knew my life and my kids life couldn't go on forever with his demons constantly ripping our marriage and family apart....and I was so tired of being angry at him. So tired of all of it. The night I knew , I knew. But I still gave it one last shot and then I really knew-there was no turning back. God gave me the eyes to see and finally accept him just as he was-and with that I was able to walk away. Peace , friend.
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Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Our last talk seems to have had no effect on you.
or the one before that, or the one before that. any more words spoken, sung or written will have the same effect...........NONE.
I love you, and I want us to grow stronger together.* I want us to both be happy with ourselves and each other.* I want us to strive to be better people.
YOU can chose to grow stronger, be happy with yourself and strive to be a better person. that is in your control and that is ALL that is in your control. he gets to choose his own scenario......whatever that looks like for HIM.
your son sees......alcoholism is affecting his young life, his young perceptions, his sense of security and even identity. he doesn't get a choice......each chance given to his dad, is one less chance HE gets to have a happy healthy childhood.
or the one before that, or the one before that. any more words spoken, sung or written will have the same effect...........NONE.
I love you, and I want us to grow stronger together.* I want us to both be happy with ourselves and each other.* I want us to strive to be better people.
YOU can chose to grow stronger, be happy with yourself and strive to be a better person. that is in your control and that is ALL that is in your control. he gets to choose his own scenario......whatever that looks like for HIM.
your son sees......alcoholism is affecting his young life, his young perceptions, his sense of security and even identity. he doesn't get a choice......each chance given to his dad, is one less chance HE gets to have a happy healthy childhood.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ this ! This! He most likely thinks there is nothing wrong....so why change? If you desire to get healthy, happy and not expose your kids to alcoholism, then that is your choice and well within your control. Nothing you do or say is going to get through until HE chooses to see-and that day may never come!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 9
you were right...no surprise i guess.
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I'm sure the letter was therapeutic to write, but I wouldn't give it to him. It won't accomplish anything. He knows how you feel about the drinking.
Telling him you're not giving him an ultimatum YET is giving him an ultimatum.
Have you been to Al-Anon? It can be very good for clearing your head so you can decide what you want for your future.
As far as "telling your son"--is this the one who was asking why Dad was acting weird? I'd be willing to bet your son knows. I'd be honest about it. "Dad's drinking." It won't come as a shock, I'd be willing to bet.
Telling him you're not giving him an ultimatum YET is giving him an ultimatum.
Have you been to Al-Anon? It can be very good for clearing your head so you can decide what you want for your future.
As far as "telling your son"--is this the one who was asking why Dad was acting weird? I'd be willing to bet your son knows. I'd be honest about it. "Dad's drinking." It won't come as a shock, I'd be willing to bet.
He basically told me that he was "dealing with it" and when i asked how, He didn't answer. When I asked how I could help or support him, he told me he doesn't want anything from me?? Wow, that hurt.
I told him I did not want to share the bedroom and he twisted my words out to say : "so you want me out of the house" I told him he as nowhere to go, to which he replied he has plenty of places. LOL
My fiancee has no friends. I asked him if we wanted our relationship to work and heal and his response was : " i gave you ring didn't I?"
Again, wow. I'm not new to AA's 12 steps, but I'm new to being on the other side of things of dealing with an alcoholic spouse.
He slept in the basement where im sure he will be for awhile. My stepsons, who are 20 and 22 are furious with there father and my nine year old, understands but doesn't know what to say to his dad.
so sad right now. I don't want to go home tonight.
Thank you to everyone who replied. Its taking me some time to navigate this site, still don't know if im posting correctly. BTW. Im going to my first Alanon meeting on friday.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 9
thanks
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Our last talk seems to have had no effect on you.
or the one before that, or the one before that. any more words spoken, sung or written will have the same effect...........NONE.
I love you, and I want us to grow stronger together.* I want us to both be happy with ourselves and each other.* I want us to strive to be better people.
YOU can chose to grow stronger, be happy with yourself and strive to be a better person. that is in your control and that is ALL that is in your control. he gets to choose his own scenario......whatever that looks like for HIM.
your son sees......alcoholism is affecting his young life, his young perceptions, his sense of security and even identity. he doesn't get a choice......each chance given to his dad, is one less chance HE gets to have a happy healthy childhood.
or the one before that, or the one before that. any more words spoken, sung or written will have the same effect...........NONE.
I love you, and I want us to grow stronger together.* I want us to both be happy with ourselves and each other.* I want us to strive to be better people.
YOU can chose to grow stronger, be happy with yourself and strive to be a better person. that is in your control and that is ALL that is in your control. he gets to choose his own scenario......whatever that looks like for HIM.
your son sees......alcoholism is affecting his young life, his young perceptions, his sense of security and even identity. he doesn't get a choice......each chance given to his dad, is one less chance HE gets to have a happy healthy childhood.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 9
it was therapeutic
Originally Posted by redatlanta
I also agree the writing is therapeutic, but the letter to him is a waste of time. Its only repeating to him what you have already said MANY times I am guessing.
Ultimatums are unhealthy in any relationship. Better to focus on yourself. You have stated you are not happy living this way. Take away from what you have written in your letter..........no point in asking him "me" or the "booze" because he will say he won't drink , but then he does. You acknowledge this. The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome.
A better and healthier approach would be something along the lines of this "I cannot live with an alcoholic long term. If you don't seek recovery and sobriety I doubt our marriage will continue"
This one sentence says what you have written in a whole page. And, it says it without an ultimatum. Nor do you box yourself into the conundrum of lowering the boom on a boundary you may not be ready to enforce.
As for your son - tell him the truth.
Ultimatums are unhealthy in any relationship. Better to focus on yourself. You have stated you are not happy living this way. Take away from what you have written in your letter..........no point in asking him "me" or the "booze" because he will say he won't drink , but then he does. You acknowledge this. The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome.
A better and healthier approach would be something along the lines of this "I cannot live with an alcoholic long term. If you don't seek recovery and sobriety I doubt our marriage will continue"
This one sentence says what you have written in a whole page. And, it says it without an ultimatum. Nor do you box yourself into the conundrum of lowering the boom on a boundary you may not be ready to enforce.
As for your son - tell him the truth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 9
thanks,
Originally Posted by dandylion
dear bella.....now would be a good time for you to google Floyd P. Garrett, "Addiction, Lies, and Relationships".
You are trying to apply ordinary reason to a situation where "reason" does not work.
This article will address this concept......
dandylion
You are trying to apply ordinary reason to a situation where "reason" does not work.
This article will address this concept......
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry for the explosion, but can't say I'm surprised. What you wrote is something an alcoholic would take as a direct challenge. What you saw was the way an alcoholic defends--it isn't logical, it isn't nice, it doesn't take anyone else's feelings into account.
I'm confused--you've referred to him as your "husband" and then as your "fiance"--which is it? Are you married to him, or not?
I'm confused--you've referred to him as your "husband" and then as your "fiance"--which is it? Are you married to him, or not?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, and I'd get some help for your 9 y/o, too. Some places have "Alakid" meetings--sort of like Alateen but for younger kids. Otherwise, you might let his school counselor know what's going on at home. The counselor might have some great resources and just talking with the counselor would give him a chance to talk about his feelings with an objective third party. Kids sometimes worry that if they talk about their feelings with a parent they will only worry and upset the parent.
Your older sons would be welcome at Al-Anon if they were interested--lots of times kids that age aren't, but you could offer, and there are books out there that are helpful for understanding alcoholism. One that I highly recommend (for you AND the older boys) is "Under the Influence."
Your older sons would be welcome at Al-Anon if they were interested--lots of times kids that age aren't, but you could offer, and there are books out there that are helpful for understanding alcoholism. One that I highly recommend (for you AND the older boys) is "Under the Influence."
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