Chronic Relapse - Late Stage Alcoholic Brother

Old 11-06-2015, 10:22 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 7
Chronic Relapse - Late Stage Alcoholic Brother

Hi All,

I decided to post here because I keep searching the internet trying to find someone, anyone, with a story similar to brother's, mine, and my family's.

My brother is 37, an alcoholic (late stage, I believe), and a chronic relapser. He's been drinking heavily for at least 18 years. At first, it started with him drinking heavily and doing things such as losing his car and trying to "sleep it off" on the side of the road, only for him to wake up and then get into an accident (no others involved). Then, it progressed to him drinking more heavily, and doing things such as hiding rum in a water bottle and passing out at the computer. Then, it progressed to him drinking a lot and losing his job(s). Followed by him blacking out from drinking and doing things such as busting his head open (17 staples needed) and crushing his finger, without him being able to recall how it happened. I have sooooo many stories... but I will stop there.

The bright side is that he has entered rehab several times. Once for a week (when he had insurance), once for a 3 months (Salvation Army ARC). He's attended AA meetings religiously. He has medically and non-medically detoxed more times than I can count. Twice, he suffered seizures because of it. He has been hospitalized and in treatment centers so many times, I honestly lost count. He maintained sobriety for 1 full year once (2 years ago) and he admits it was the healthiest and happiest he has ever been. Sadly though, he's in this cycle now where he detoxes and then relapses every few days. He drinks constantly, (including mouthwash, if the alcohol stores are closed on Sundays), doesn't eat (can't even remember when he last ate), is "scared of seizures," and locks himself up in his house until my mom calls him and asks him if he wants to come to her house to detox with someone around who could call for help is he did seize. The treatment facilities in the town he lives in will no longer accept him because they say he is not serious about his recovery. The thing is, he is serious about his recovery - for a day or two. Maybe a week, maybe 3 weeks....but no more than that.

His constant detox is killing my mom... every other week she is at home watching him be sicker than a dog, detoxing at her house. It's like Groundhog Day. She is an emotionally sensitive woman, and this is making her just as sick as it is making my brother. One week it's devastating, the next week he is a little "clearer" and we all rejoice and find renewed hope. Only for him to disappear a day or two later, and that's when we know he's relapsed...again! And we're devastated (again!) It's a roller coaster... a very fast speed roller coaster. It's sad to say, but every day, we wait to see if today is "the day" by brother will lose his battle with alcoholism. We just don't know what to do to help him. If you can imagine 18 years of trying to rally him into sobriety, trust me - we have done everything and I feel like he has done everything, too!!! I know this is something only he can do...but we can't just let him hole up in his house and die (he drinks alone, in his home - he does not drink at bars and out socially).

I have so much to say and share, but I feel like I should humanize my brother in this post. He's not just an alcoholic: he's smart, caring, good looking, people love him, he's a hard worker, a home owner (although, he just closed on his home on 10/14 and has relapsed twice since then...), he believes in a Higher Power, has helped other addicted people when he had his sober year, and I have literally seen him on his knees begging God to please take this away from him...

His addiction is killing him, my mom, and me... Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Thank you!
RollerCoaster21 is offline  
Old 11-06-2015, 11:34 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
Words of wisdom & advice:

Get to an al anon meeting. Educate yourself on alcoholism and addiction. Buy "Codependent No More." Detach with love.

None of our alcoholics are "just alcoholics." Alcoholics/Addicts can be charming, kind, loving, wonderful, intelligent people. Their disease does not independently define them, however, it does overshadow a lot of those good traits.

The only thing you can do is, take care of yourself. Lead by example.
hopepraylove is offline  
Old 11-06-2015, 12:06 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 7
None of our alcoholics are "just alcoholics." Alcoholics/Addicts can be charming, kind, loving, wonderful, intelligent people. Their disease does not independently define them, however, it does overshadow a lot of those good traits.
Thank you for your reply and for the helpful advice. Just to clarify: I guess in my search to find someone with a story similar to ours, I saw a lot of people on this site with stories different than ours: physically and mentally abusive, vulgar, hateful, unaware that they had a problem, etc. I wanted to give as much context about our situation as I could and that includes who he is/was before his alcoholism took over. However, I do know so many truly amazing people have been consumed and taken by this horrible disease. I really didn't mean to imply anything different.

Another few pieces of context I believe are helpful to share:

-My brother is gay. He loves God, but due to the way he has been treated in some of the recovery facilities he has been in (Salvation Army, specifically) and by some extremely religious family members, he does not always believe God loves or accepts him. Nonetheless, he is a faithful follower. I truly believe if he could pray the gay away or pray the alcoholism away, he would.
-My mom has attended some Al-Anon meetings. However, she works almost 80 hours a week in a hospital and cannot get to the one meeting they have weekly in her small town.
-Also, when I said my mom is emotionally sensitive... I should say that she has buried 2 of her 4 children (one due to SIDs, one to a motorcycle accident...) and lives each day waiting to see if she will have to bury a third child.

Last edited by DesertEyes; 11-06-2015 at 07:26 PM. Reason: Fixed broken quote
RollerCoaster21 is offline  
Old 11-06-2015, 12:06 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi. Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear your brother is so ill. His constant detox sounds really awful. As a former alcoholic I can't imagine doing that. What is the point?

Unfortunately there is no way to know how long this could go on. He could continue this way for decades or have a stroke or heart attack and die the next time he tries. 18 years is a long time to dedicate to helping someone who could help himself. He can you know. As a matter of fact if he is to quit for good he needs to do it himself for himself. No one has ever loved someone to sobriety. It has to come from somewhere deep inside the alcoholic themselves. He has to decide that the pain of continuing is worse than any possible pain that could come from quitting. Then and only then can he actually find sobriety and recovery.

You and your mom really need to take care of yourselves both physically and emotionally. Your mother especially could wind up becoming quite ill from the constant stress.
Please find an Al-Anon group near you. The support is amazing
happybeingme is offline  
Old 11-06-2015, 12:14 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I am sorry your brother has lived with so much bigotry. The Salvation army is extremely anti-gay. There is no reason he should want to pray the gay away. There is nothing wrong with being gay. It is my understanding the Methodist church is very gay friendly. Perhaps he can find fellowship among them. But he needs to decide in his heart that he is worthy of recovery.
happybeingme is offline  
Old 11-06-2015, 12:26 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 7
@Happybeingme Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words! I know no one has answers, but sometimes it just feels nice to be heard and sympathized with. He has been doing good and then doing poorly again so many times that I don't even share what's happening with him (good or bad) with others anymore. My mom does the same... so there is no release. You are right about the constant detox being truly awful for him. It's excruciating... and it is no picnic to watch someone you love go through it constantly either. :-/ I thank you for your perspective as someone who is now living a sober life (so happy for you!!!!) - it gives me hope that there is always a chance, if only HE makes that choice. Every minute and every day. I also thank you for your non-judgmental heart towards the challenges he faces as a God-loving, alcoholic, gay man.
RollerCoaster21 is offline  
Old 11-06-2015, 12:28 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There are some terrific LGBTQ AA meetings out there--has he tried any of those groups?

I know how your brother is suffering, but you and your mom suffering along with him won't help him and it can destroy you. Add me to the "find an Al-Anon meeting" group.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 11-06-2015, 12:52 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 7
@LexieCat: He lives in a small town in Indiana (probably the least gay-friendly state I can think of). Luckily, my brother can "pass" which means that you would not know he was gay, unless he told you. Additionally, the AA meetings in his town are mostly full of people with heroine addiction who are court ordered to be there and are not committed to sobriety. I do not want to make excuses for him, because the truth of the matter is my brother found a year of sobriety while working the program daily in this small town. So, it can be done... I am going to talk to my mom about Al-Anon mtgs tonight. Do you all know if there is an online community to attend virtual meetings? I believe my mom and I could both use the help and fellowship, but also know my mom works so much that she will likely not be able to attend the one Al-Anon mtg in town.
RollerCoaster21 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:13 AM.