How to assess an abusers claims of change
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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How to assess an abusers claims of change
So I'm re reading Lundy's classic book-I've read it before but I think I glossed over so much bc I was just so hungry for information and I didn't let it sink in. Holy crap. The list below is exactly, exactly, what happened almost a year ago when my then husband got out of rehab-thankfully I had read this book prior to then and I was strong enough to say no. It is worth repeating so I thought id share:
Clear signs an abuser isn't changing:
1) he says he can change only if you change too
2) he says he can change only if you help him change, hold him accountable, by giving him emotional support or reassurance or forguveness, or expecting you to spend all your time with him to rebuild-usually means he's expecting you to abandon your plans of leaving him.
4) he criticizes you for not seeing how much he's changed.
5) he criticizes you for not trusting his change will last.
6) he criticizes you for considering him capable of acting abusively even though he has in fact done so in the past as if you should know "he would never do something like that" although he has.
7) he tells you that you are taking too long to make a decision-that he's not going to wait forever, or however long it will take, to prove a real change
8) he says, "I've changed, I've changed"....but your gut doesn't feel it
Clear signs an abuser isn't changing:
1) he says he can change only if you change too
2) he says he can change only if you help him change, hold him accountable, by giving him emotional support or reassurance or forguveness, or expecting you to spend all your time with him to rebuild-usually means he's expecting you to abandon your plans of leaving him.
4) he criticizes you for not seeing how much he's changed.
5) he criticizes you for not trusting his change will last.
6) he criticizes you for considering him capable of acting abusively even though he has in fact done so in the past as if you should know "he would never do something like that" although he has.
7) he tells you that you are taking too long to make a decision-that he's not going to wait forever, or however long it will take, to prove a real change
8) he says, "I've changed, I've changed"....but your gut doesn't feel it
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Thanks for sharing that.
For those unfamiliar with the book, it's Why Does He DO That? by Lundy Bancroft.
It's a true eye-opener for those who aren't accustomed to thinking of what they are living with as "abuse."
Lundy is a VERY highly experienced and well-respected professional in the field of domestic violence--and he has obtained a lot of his knowledge from working with abusive men, while simultaneously obtaining information from their significant others.
It will blow you away with its accuracy.
For those unfamiliar with the book, it's Why Does He DO That? by Lundy Bancroft.
It's a true eye-opener for those who aren't accustomed to thinking of what they are living with as "abuse."
Lundy is a VERY highly experienced and well-respected professional in the field of domestic violence--and he has obtained a lot of his knowledge from working with abusive men, while simultaneously obtaining information from their significant others.
It will blow you away with its accuracy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I'm glad to share...hopefully it helps. There were so many amazing times with my ex mingled with red flags (anger, etc) that I very much overlooked. And it did just get worse each year. I truly think he didn't want to be that way, he did have a good heart that I genuinely loved, but you do what you know-and if y'all had ever met his father you would see his role model for treating a wife-abuse and alcoholism. Anyway, this list is a terrific guage to discern true authentic change. With no strings attached.
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