givingup

After setting boundaries and making myself very clear that I'm unwilling to stay in a relationship with a drunk, my AH is making another run at sobriety. He is attending AA meetings every night, reading, and "trying to maintain serenity". He also tells me that he needs "space". When I ask what that means, he is unable to tell me. He does tell me that he doesn't know if he can stay in this relationship as it threatens his inner peace. I would LOL if I didn't feel so panicked. Here is a man who has threatened not only my inner peace but the peace of the entire household with his ranting and raving!

I really am confused about my own feelings. Here I am the one saying to get sober or get out and now he is saying I want to get sober and in order to do that I need to get out. Actually, he is saying that in order to do that he may need to get out. I'll keep you posted when I make that decision. Don't pressure me as it will cause me stress.

So not sure what is expected of me. I'm giving him space tonight by going out for the evening with a friend. I guess I'll go home later and see what I find.

Must be my control issues rearing their ugly heads again. I want to know what is going to happen next right now. What do I do now that the tables have been turned?

Lorelai

(((givingup)))
The thing to remember is that you can't do anything to make him stay sober or to make him drink. It is entirely up to him.

Sounds to me like he is setting up his excuse - "See, I told you I couldn't stay sober and be in this relationship." or waiting for you to say - "Don't leave me. Go ahead and drink."

This fight is not on your shoulders. It is all up to him.
L

Magichappens

((givingup))
Al-Anon has been very helpful to me in letting me know that getting sober is not the answer to our problems. It presents as many challenges to our serenity as active addiction. That is a rude awakening for most of us, even if we have started our own recovery. Letting go and letting God, and live and let live take on a whole new meaning when the one event we have waited for doesn't live up to our expectations.

Keep the focus on you. That is the key to recovery for me. How am I going to handle this. Am I practicing the slogans, the principles? Am I staying in contact with people who can guide me? I know my meetings and phonelist have gotten me through so much that I would have really gotten in and made a mess of.

Waiting is the hardest thing for me. Not going off half cocked and reacting to something that upset me. But I know that things turn out much better if I try to stay as calm as I can (at least on the outside) and listen and look for what I need to do.

I will comment on the "I need space" thing. I have learned that certain statements are to reel me back in when I detach. This sounds like one of those, though I don't know your H. When I catch one of those, I just try to wait and stick to my program. Just try to keep taking care of you. He is going to do what he is going to do. Whether it's a control thing or for real, you have support and recovery, and people who care about you. Hugs, Magic

skyleh

This is how I took this statement as well.....If I had heard that form my AH...he wants me to feel panicked and to back off...while he does what he does to give me that confort level.....I told mine I was leaving and everyday he trys to put a different spin on things to "reel" me back in....Trust your gut and keep working the program.....

Good luck to you...I hope it all works out...at least his actions say he is trying...

givingup

Boy, I needed you guys! Thanks for being there, Lorelai, Magic and Skyleh. I almost panicked and called him on some lame excuse. That would have certainly played right into his hand. Thanks for pointing that out. Even if it doesn't, I should allow him the opportunity to make his own decisions about drinking and about our marriage.

I am terrible at the patience thing. I want to know the outcome and I want to know it now. But the best choices are made with thoughtfulness. I have asked him to respect my boundaries and I have to give him the same respect. If he truly needs space to get his act together, then I will grant it. If it is to serve his selfish needs, then I guess I'll find that out soon enough.

Serenity prayer.

skyleh

((((givingup))))...
its tough it really tough no matter what happens...right now mine is looking for my replacement flirting with every female at our work (we work at the same place)....all the while telling me how much he loves me and doesn't want me to leave..smoking pot and drinking all the while. It will get better....no matter what happens...it will get better we just need to all work our programs and stick together during times like these...

good luck

Rella927

I have to say DITTO as well to what Magic, Lore and Sky said.
I myself have encountered the same as well-"I'm going to drink less and work my way gradually to stop" <---------- an alcoholic cannot do this!. You tell them ok and the jump back into what they did before. If you tell them you need space or your not going to tolerate being around them or talking to them when they are drinking as magic said you "detach" yourself, they will come up with anything and everything to reel you back in...when in reality they are reeling you back in so they can have THEIR COMFORT ZONE. It is all about them! So make it about YOU! Stick to your program and know that there is major support here and people who care!
(((Hugs Giving Up))))

givingup

How did you all get so smart? You were all right. It was a game he was playing. Thank you for helping me stay strong. I spent the evening with a friend giving him the space that he requested. When I got home, he was waiting for me and had obviously been drinking. Now his reason for drinking was that I wasn't there for him when he needed me. How could I not have seen that this was manipulation from the get go. This morning he is onto the next tactic - now he needs me in his life; is miserable without me; is willing to make changes in order to keep me in his life. Blah, blah, blah.

Thank you for encouraging me to stick with my program. It is the only one I have any control over.

cwohio

givingup - yep we have some wise folks on this board. we will drive ourselves nuts if we focus on them instead of ourselves.

hugs to you and good luck! cwohio

skyleh

givingup..hang in there. The best thing about this place is we can help each other stay focused. I know I have not been here very long but boy it helps me keep focused. The games they play the yoyo affect is very painful and the emtional affects on us are awful.....It is so hard to see them for what they are and for me many times i need some other prespective to see it for what it really is.. I know I am luck to have found this place...everyday I get stronger...thanks to all of you!!

Keep going strong...