RedDog735

I feel the whirling, spiraling thoughts of insanity again. OMG will I ever be normal?! I know I'm powerless over persons, places, and things but WHY can't I control? Why can't I grasp my mind around surrendering and suppressing the urge to control when my mind just goes and goes and I can't turn on the breaks? It's a constant fighting battle to turn the focus over to my higher power. I'm going to attend an Alanon meeting tonight- I sure do need it. I feel like my mind is literally straight insanity right now.....

SparkleKitty

For me, when I am at my Control Freakiest, it's usually because it is less scary to focus on something external than something internal (the fact that it is almost totally pointless to do so usually doesn't sway me much, either). Al-Anon meeting sounds like a good idea.

NYCDoglvr

Good you're going to Alanon, it should help. When I feel the way you describe I take action ...... call someone, go fast walking, get out of the house. Change a muscle, change the mind. The best thing is to be of service (helping another codependent). What I do know is this will pass. A big hug

RedDog735

When I reach out to others, I just don't make any sense and they can't tell if I'm overreacting or being manic. It's like word vomit and my thoughts and feelings are moving so fast I cannot keep up with them. Yikes

Mango blast

Do you have a list of Alanon members to call? Reaching out to them has been a completely different experience for me. At first it was very uncomfortable for me, but it's getting easier.

Let us know how tonight's meeting goes. Keep coming back. It works if you work it. Baby steps.

RedDog735

Went to Alanon! I am at peace- very relaxed and content right now. Very grateful for Alanon friends, SR, And all of your wisdom here! Thanks guys xoxo

redatlanta

What's going on RD?

RedDog735

Red, I am seeing someone with a child. He is not an alcoholic. All is well with our connection. As of recently, he revealed to me that a one night stand from July resulted in a soon to be new baby in April. He does not know this woman from Adam, she is keeping the baby, and told him that "she understands if he wants no part of her or the baby."

At first when he revealed this information to me, because of working the program, I was turning it over to my higher power, and allowing things to happen naturally as they should be. I was powerless- I cannot help or control the situation.

Today, I had a whirlpool of thoughts and a meltdown. Consisting of feeling angry, mainly bc I cannot have children, and ppl that shouldn't be are having them. And it's just not fair! Things are beyond my control! I also felt very hopeless because I have no action plan and no answers! I wanted to jump right in and ask him specific questions and tell him exactly what to do about the situation.

The train kept going with no breaks on! Crazy huh! Hahaha I am so grateful for my serenity. Sometimes I just freak out a little more than I need to. Must turn it over to the HP- It's in his hands now- I'm wiping mine clean

Hope your well, redatlanta. So good to hear from you!

AnvilheadII

so you are seeing /dating someone who slept with someone else just a few months ago and she is having his baby?

some would say, ok then, see ya!

LexieCat

Whatever she tells him, if he is the father he is financially responsible for that child for the next 20 years or so. What he does about this whole situation will tell you a lot about whether he's someone you can trust.

Glad you got to a meeting.

RedDog735

What do you mean about that Lexie?

LexieCat

Is he going to do the right thing by this child? If he isn't sure the child is his, will he take the initiative to find out, and take responsibility for the child if it is his?

If he just takes this woman at her word and walks away without helping to support a life he is responsible for bringing into the world, I don't think I'd trust him with my heart or anything else.

RedDog735

Oh he's taking responsibility. It's just a bummer situation.

Not my problem, though.

redatlanta

Oh man well.....this situation has only been happening since the dawn of time so that it has happened to him I am not really that concerned about. He hasdunprotected sex resulting in an unplanned pregnancy people do it all-the-time.

I agree with Lexie that this is an opportunity for you to see what this man is all about. DNA testing needs to be done after the birth, then a visitation plan as well as child support. It is possible for the mother to let him off the hook on child support if he will relinquish parental rights to mother (assuming she would do that since it sounds like that is what she has offered). This is not a person I would be interested in.

You have to think about what you are interested in dealing with, cause now you have a man with two children from two different women. One whom he doesn't know anything about (if that child is his, and it may not be). Financially it could be draining. Emotionally it could be draining. I give him kudos for telling you.

I'm sorry you cannot have children, and I do understand the anger you feel. I do not have kids.I did not want them. I prefer cats and dogs . I hope that your anger about that subsides pretty quickly so you can focus on what's going to change in the relationship, and how that will affect you, rather than be angry that some random hookup has resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. I would not say this is not your problem. It is your problem on some levels within the context of how it affects your current relationship, or how it would affect you if the relationship progresses to something more serious. You could be looking at being the step-mother to two children, and it is your business. Could be a blessed reward, or a nightmare.

dandylion

Red.....I don't know you very well, and just read this thread.....
About this guy.....I just feel compelled to say---he is telling you, loud and clear, who he is! For God's sake, believe him.
If he did it before, he will do it to you. If he does---you will have no room to cry victim---because you have been given fair warning.....straight from the horse's mouth, at that.
The reason that I feel so strongly about this, is that there is an innocent little life involved in this.....what a shame that she already has such a bad break in this life!

Surely, you can do better..?!

dandylion

slowclimb

Want to thank you for reinforcing the fact that attending a meeting helped you. I've been off the recovery road for 5 months and am a mess. I'll be in the basement of that church this morning though.

Thanks....

RedDog735

You are welcome. Sometimes we forget how truly helpful these meetings are. When I need my God's with skin, I go to a meeting.
Hugs to you for recognizing that you needed to go as well!

RedDog735

What do you mean by this? Just slightly confused

dandylion

RedDog....(I would tell the same thing to my best girlfriend or a daughter).
He sounds like a gadabout. One night stands---that are unprotected. It just sounds very irresponsible....and that is a hugh red flag for you, in my opinion.
If he is irresponsible in the past he is very l ikely to be irresponsible with you.
If he has two children, already with two other women....that is going to be a big ongoing responsibility....and, he will have to be connected to these other women for many years to come (if he does take any responsibility).
And, there is the financial responsibility which will be huge....if he is responsible like he should be.
What can seem trivial in the beginning of a relationship can become a deal-breaker in a l onger relationship....if you become committed to him.
There are a million fish in the sea.....wouldn't it seem better for you to take on someone who does not come with such a worrysome past?
do you really need any more complications in your life?

This is what I was referring to in my previous post...

dandylion

RedDog735

But also, everyone comes with a worrysome past, if you put it in that perspective. As a codependent and certifiable crazy person, I absolutely can find something wrong with anyone....My mind is my own worst enemy. So if I'm working my program, with some freak outs in between (because they are inevitable with my personality), I don't see why I should run away from red flags. I can find "red flags" with any person in any relationship. Does this make me incapable of healthy relationships? Food for thought.