Maybe I've been too good at doing it wrong.
 

I never made it to that Alanon meeting last week. Maybe this week. We'll see.
Still reading here and other places. I feel like I'm learning a lot but still not sure how exactly to proceed.
Control. That's been on my mind a lot. Although it comes at a cost to my feelings of peace, I actually do have a lot of control.
~I do all the budgeting in our house. We each get $30 "allowance" every two weeks. He spends every penny of his at the liquor store. I have no doubt that if that $ limit wasn't in place, he'd spend many times more.
~After all these years of fighting about his drinking, we came to a compromise. That he would only drink twice per week. In actuality, he drinks 3 or 4 times per week. But if I no longer held him to that agreement , he'd drink even more often.
I'm afraid of what will happen if I let go of those areas of control. I imagine that his addiction will take over completely and I'll most likely be leaving sooner than later.

I talked to a couple of friends this weekend. More candidly than I ever have before, although they both know that AH's drinking bothers me. They both seemed in doubt that he's actually an A. "Doesn't that mean that he has some control over it if he's able to resist it at all? I mean he doesn't HAVE to drink every day, right?"
I think I've just managed to downplay the problem so much that everyone is convinced that there isn't one.

After the game day on Thursday, AH didn't drink at all on Friday (so rare!) I suspect he's either sensing a shift in me or he finally got tired of not having sex after more than a month. He knows I don't want anything to do with him when he's drinking, and usually for a few days afterwards because I'm so upset about whatever interactions we had while he was drinking, and then it's the weekend and he's drinking again. So it just doesn't happen. So, Friday was a good day for the most part. He was a little cranky. (Pouting because he wasn't drinking? I don't know) Saturday was Halloween. He was drunk before the family arrived and we all went out with the kids and grandkids TorTing. He stayed at home to give out candy. There were a couple of snippy remarks back and forth but nothing major. I was able to avoid him for the most part.
Sunday evening he was drinking again and asleep in the chair by 7pm. I ignored him and went about my business.
He probably won't drink again till the weekend now. He will usually " ask my permission on Thursday nights" by saying, "Do you want to share a bottle of wine with dinner?" If I say no, then he usually doesn't have anything.

Gah!! I wish it was simpler to handle. A blood test to confirm the disease and then a course of treatment. Then a clean bill of health and we all live happily ever after.
Thanks for the time to ramble. My guess is that there will be a lot more of it in the coming weeks and months.

It helps to write it all down sometimes. Gives you an opportunity to go back and reflect, clears your mind, reduces stress.

It is quite common for alcoholics to make attempts at controlling. It is done in an effort to reduce stress in the family. Generally long term it doesn't work and sometimes leads to a massive binge when they can no longer maintain control.

Take care of yourself and keep sharing here. We are here to help and support. You aren't alone

Go. To. The. Meeting. It will help with all this stuff that's swirling around in your head.

THiPPY.......I see that you are trying to establish boundaries.....just remember that boundaries are for you. As I interpret it....it is to buy you some space for yourself to breathe and think....and, keep you out of pointless arguments and interactions that just tear you up, inside. It is about how much you let another person's actions, etc. invade your personal and emotional space.
It is a tool for you to use.

You can't really expect that it will necessarily change him into doing what you want him to do, though. At the heart of it...he will do what he is going to do.
He controls him (on his side of the street)......and, you control your side of the street.


Maybe, you could begin to make goals for yourself....your own goals for the future......so that you don't feel so financially dependent on him.
In today's world, it is not a good position for a woman to have to feel completely dependent on a man....or anyone else!

You could look at an alanon meeting as the first baby step......

dandylion

Those limits, the amount of money spent and the frequency of drinking, are old ones. Things we've been doing for years. I know now that I shouldn't tell him how often to drink. But what should I do now that I know that? Tell him never mind? Haha.
As far as the money limit, I'm going to let that stand, right or wrong. We have financial goals that we're working on that will be to my benefit whether I stay or leave. The goal that he and I are working toward is still my goal whether he comes along or not.
A liquidation of assets today would leave me in a good enough position if I were to leave today. I'm not ready to leave right now, but I know it's a possibility and that I would be okay.
Of course there are factors aside from money. Not the least of which is that I'm coming to realize that I've been trained to be codependent my entire life. I'm definitely going to work on that. That's my side of the street, right? It has already helped my peace of mind to not get sucked into arguments with him.
I will try again for the meeting this week. It's tricky with the kids getting out early again. It seems like they never actually go M-F anymore!

Do you have any meetings available with babysitting? When I found one, I then saw they had an Alateen/Alakid program at the same time. Those seem rare, yet worth looking for.

I used to think I couldn't make it to one meeting a week (my sponsor suggested 3/wk) or even one meeting last summer due to my work schedule and distance from meetings. I'm finding this is how my HP works in my life... as I become willing and make an effort, somehow things start opening up and becoming possible. Some of it's me taking the next right action, but so much of it has been completely beyond me. Letting the other members, the groups and my HP carry me and help me when I can't do things by myself. Problem is... it's still up to me to take the action, and with my old thoughts and behaviors I couldn't get much of anything in my life to work. Not much has changed except those thoughts and behaviors... and with that, everything is changing. :grouphug:

Baby steps. This all comes about in the right time, when we're ready. It took me a long time to be willing to have a sponsor, and even longer before I was ready to start doing what she suggested. We're both okay with that. Laying the foundation sometimes takes time. There's no wrong way to do this, just sometimes finding what doesn't work for us before we're ready to try something else. I did that for many, many years!! I don't even regret it. (too much) :D

Sadly, the confirmation of alcoholism often comes with the chronic progression of the disease. Yes, if only it could be diagnosed and treated early. Having met some healthier couples during family week at my husband's two rehab stays, it seemed that some people have a lower tolerance for unacceptable behavior. What I didn't see as all too abnormal, they couldn't live with at all. What I'm finding in Alanon are solutions, instead of looking at the problems... and also other ways to look at all of it, so it's not a big scary monster taking over my life.

Congrats on being here, for posting and reaching out. Those are big steps. :)

THIPPY......regarding your question to me....about what you should say to him, now.....
I would say to just say nothing. Just drop the rope. If he asks you a question or permission.....Just tell him to use his own judgement---that you are too tired to be his warchdog, anymore.
It IS so hard to be the drinking police or in the mother role with another adult---watching, monitoring....setting "rules" (not the same as boundaries)......
LOL...in my particular situation....I found it so much easier to take care of toddlers than a drinking adult.....

Please understand that this is my suggestion.....but, of course, you will have to use your own judgement.....

THippy - remember that whether he is a TRUE bonafide alcoholic or not (and there isn't even a test for that, only a self-assessment), what matters here is how YOU feel about HIS drinking and the impact it has on YOUR life. you're the one that has to live with it.....

it sounds like everything in your world centers around whether he is drinking or not.....and how drunk he gets by what time and how you might have to work your schedule around the guy sleeping it off in the barcolounger.

doesn't sound like a whole lotta fun....does it? the one day you captioned as a GOOD day was the one day he wasn't actively ingesting alcohol, altho even then you tempered it with he was a bit cranky. think about the bar you have set for yourself there......a GOOD day = a day he didn't drink?????

i agree you don't need to announce to him that the drinking limit has been lifted. you simply stop being the booze police and granting or denying permission on what another grown adult chooses to do. i also personally believe that if we have problems with the way someone else drinks, seek out support and information for that, then we shouldn't turn around and sit down and drink WITH them......bit like sharing a box of Krispy Kremes with someone who is morbidly obese or diabetic............

[QUOTE=AnvilheadII;5627363]

it sounds like everything in your world centers around whether he is drinking or not.....and how drunk he gets by what time and how you might have to work your schedule around the guy sleeping it off in the barcolounger.

[\QUOTE]

I can see why it looks that way. My posts have been about his drinking and the problems I have with it in the context of this forum. Actually, I spend a lot of time on volunteer work, hobbies and our very large family. During the week, AH and I get along pretty well if I haven't engaged in arguments with him during the weekend. It's his weekends with the booze that are causing problems for me. And the fact that it doesn't bother him that that's the case. It's true that a good day for me = a day he doesn't drink. I know I need work in this area. I should have good or bad days of my own, regardless of his actions. That's why I'm here.

There are times that I drink with him, not because I necessarily want a drink but because if I share a bottle of wine with him, then he can't drink the whole bottle himself. Controlling. I have identified that as a mistake on my part and have decided not to do that anymore. (See! Progress already!)
But there are also times when I would enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. Shouldn't I be able to do that? Isn't that me making choices for myself just as I'm to accept that he makes his own choices? Isn't this a case of each of us being responsible for our own sides of the street, as they say? I may have it entirely wrong. I'm still learning here.
I feel like a baby giraffe whose legs aren't quite holding him up yet. I have the legs, I have some understanding of how the legs are supposed to work. But they're still wobbly.
I appreciate the input from everyone.

Yes, I think you're right. That's basically what I've been doing since I joined this forum. He doesn't really ask the question, but he states that he'd like to have a drink (which never means just one) and waits for my reaction. Lately, I just try not to react. I haven't perfected that yet, but I'm working on it.
And you're absolutely right about toddlers versus As.

I'm not ready to get my kids involved with meetings yet. Right now I'm focused on learning how to recover so I can model healthy behaviors for them. They are not tiny and don't necessarily even need a babysitter. With the reading I have done so far, my guess is that MY codependency has probably had more of an effect on them than their A father has. And that makes me so sad as an ACOA. I am seeing myself repeating my Mom's behaviors. That's why I'm here. That's my area of focus right now,

THIPPY.......yes, I can imagine that if you say "the years of fighting".....the kids have, no doubt, noticed it, also.
Kids hate....hate....fighting in the home. They may not understand the (total) dynamics .....but they remember how it made them feel and they can still carry the effects into their own adulthood.....I learned how much the discord in the home affects them by reading in the Adult Child of Alcoholics section and also
by talking to lots of people about their childhoods.....
Dr. Phil is always talking about not fighting in the home.....because he says that it changes who they are......

This disease just affects the whole family.....I guess that is why it is called the family disease......sigh.......

dandylion

THippy, just wanted to mention that the drinking you know about, the drinking you see, may or may not be all the drinking that actually goes on. You mentioned that you manage the money and that he gets a $30 allowance every 2 weeks. That would not have held my A for even one week, and yet I never knew that he was drinking at all.

You don't need to explain your household situation here, but I just want you to be aware that what you are seeing, moneywise and consumption-wise, may be only the tip of the iceberg.

This is why many here say to look beyond how much/often the A drinks when making decisions, b/c chances are so good that we don't know the half of it. All we DO know is how that person's actions affect us and our lives.

I would highly recommend reading "Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics" by Robert Ackerman. I found it very helpful because it focuses specifically on daughters & further analyzes them in smaller groups. Like - daughter of AF's, daughter's of AM's, those that were born into active addiction, those who's parent developed addiction problems during their young life, birth order, etc.


ETA : I love your thread title for this post, lol!

Thanks, FS. I saw that you recommended that one on another thread this morning and made a note to check it out.

I might have made it exactly 3 pages before sobbing. I made my way through that book very, very slowly because I could only digest so much at a time & I was finding unexpected validation on every other page. I concentrated on the chapters that fit my life situation specifically & then went back months later & read it from the perspective of my daughter's experience, since the dynamics are a bit different for her.

It made a huge impact on my being able to move forward & really see the past as the past in a LOT of ways.