The Language of Letting Go, November 3
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The Language of Letting Go, November 3
NOVEMBER 3
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Denial
Denial is fertile breeding ground for the behaviors we call codependent: controlling, focusing on others, and neglecting ourselves. Illness and compulsive or addictive behaviors can emerge during denial.
Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. We're not really aware we're doing it until we're done doing it. Forcing ourselves - or anyone else - to face the truth usually doesn't help. We won't face the facts until we are ready. Neither, it seems, will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure, and prepared enough to deal and cope with it.
Talking to friends who know, love, support, encourage, and affirm us helps.
Being gentle, loving, and affirming with ourselves helps. Asking ourselves, and our Higher Power, to guide us into and through change helps.
The first step toward acceptance is denial. The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through.
Higher Power, help me feel safe and secure enough today to accept what I need to accept.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Denial
Denial is fertile breeding ground for the behaviors we call codependent: controlling, focusing on others, and neglecting ourselves. Illness and compulsive or addictive behaviors can emerge during denial.
Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. We're not really aware we're doing it until we're done doing it. Forcing ourselves - or anyone else - to face the truth usually doesn't help. We won't face the facts until we are ready. Neither, it seems, will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure, and prepared enough to deal and cope with it.
Talking to friends who know, love, support, encourage, and affirm us helps.
Being gentle, loving, and affirming with ourselves helps. Asking ourselves, and our Higher Power, to guide us into and through change helps.
The first step toward acceptance is denial. The first step toward moving through denial is accepting that we may be in denial, and then gently allowing ourselves to move through.
Higher Power, help me feel safe and secure enough today to accept what I need to accept.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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I don't like the word "denial" - IMO you have to KNOW something in order to deny it. Like denying the sky is blue. I don't know - it just doesn't work for me. Maybe ignorance or unawareness? I don't understand how you can deny what you don't know.
Again, just my opinion.
I did look up denial (m-w.com) and I found this definition very interesting:
Again, just my opinion.
I did look up denial (m-w.com) and I found this definition very interesting:
a psychological defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality
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I see what you're saying Lyssy & I can see how the two have a pretty fine line that separates them at times. Sometimes, it depends which side of it you're standing on too - since we can both experience the same event & have different impressions, take-aways, etc.
I think that there are times though, there can be a very obvious difference. I wasn't in denial about my husband's alcoholism because I didn't even know he was drinking in secret; ignorance totally applies here.
OTOH, my mom to this day has never used the word alcoholic to describe my father, despite him using that word openly, despite it causing publicly legal & financially devastating problems for all of us. Extreme denial. And yes, it IS one of her reflexive defense mechanisms. I'm finding that after a lifetime of ignoring what was too painful she has quite literally modified her memories of the events too. It's unsettling.
I think that there are times though, there can be a very obvious difference. I wasn't in denial about my husband's alcoholism because I didn't even know he was drinking in secret; ignorance totally applies here.
OTOH, my mom to this day has never used the word alcoholic to describe my father, despite him using that word openly, despite it causing publicly legal & financially devastating problems for all of us. Extreme denial. And yes, it IS one of her reflexive defense mechanisms. I'm finding that after a lifetime of ignoring what was too painful she has quite literally modified her memories of the events too. It's unsettling.
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I think you're totally right about the fine line, FS. I posted a while ago about how I'd found mention in my journals from years ago of "confronting XAH about his secret drinking" and so on (this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-me-cleo.html). I had no memory of the things from the journal, but it showed me that I did have knowledge of what was going on, alcohol-wise, long before the date I would have given, if someone asked me.
As is pointed out in my thread, it's questionable if it was denial or ignorance, since I didn't really understand what I was dealing with. Yet within the first month we were together, he had TOLD me he was an A. And I thought nothing of the fact that we would go out to bars, that we would drink at home, b/c there was nothing in what I saw that said "out of control, problem, red flag." I didn't understand what it really meant for him to be an A.
So, yeah, denial? Ignorance? Combination of the two? Don't know. But like the reading said, I couldn't have identified either one until I was done doing it...
As is pointed out in my thread, it's questionable if it was denial or ignorance, since I didn't really understand what I was dealing with. Yet within the first month we were together, he had TOLD me he was an A. And I thought nothing of the fact that we would go out to bars, that we would drink at home, b/c there was nothing in what I saw that said "out of control, problem, red flag." I didn't understand what it really meant for him to be an A.
So, yeah, denial? Ignorance? Combination of the two? Don't know. But like the reading said, I couldn't have identified either one until I was done doing it...
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Originally Posted by honeypig 
I didn't really understand what I was dealing with. Yet within the first month we were together, he had TOLD me he was an A. And I thought nothing of the fact that we would go out to bars, that we would drink at home, b/c there was nothing in what I saw that said "out of control, problem, red flag." I didn't understand what it really meant for him to be an A.
So, yeah, denial? Ignorance? Combination of the two? Don't know. But like the reading said, I couldn't have identified either one until I was done doing it...
So, yeah, denial? Ignorance? Combination of the two? Don't know. But like the reading said, I couldn't have identified either one until I was done doing it...
I have said before, sure, there was drinking and partying prior to my relationship with rah, but abuse? - not so sure. I don't think so. I didn't/don't see it - but not my place to go looking either.
Hind sight sure is 20/20 isn't it.
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Hind sight sure is 20/20 isn't it.
And yes, as you say--there was nothing in the drinking that I saw (and that is the important part--what I saw versus what was being well hidden from me by him) that gave me any pause. It did not appear excessive. He did not get out of control, mean or sick. He was not missing work. Looking back, I see many subtle signals, but I only know about them NOW b/c of what I KNOW now. Clueless back then.
Would have save me a whole heck of a lot of pain and heartache.
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From my understanding, denial is the correct term. The internal struggles in my head that I make exceptions for is my denial. When something consumes my mind about my xABF or current addict friend, it takes over and wreaks havoc.
Denial takes the position of my exceptions such as "oh things aren't THAT bad, I have a job, a house, food on the table, etc etc." But after the fact, I do realize that things were always bad with the relationship. There were aspects that I just KNEW were not right, and now that I have my prescription lenses on and can clearly see, I know that I was "sleeping" and clearly ignoring the subtle or even NOT SO subtle thoughts.
Denial takes the position of my exceptions such as "oh things aren't THAT bad, I have a job, a house, food on the table, etc etc." But after the fact, I do realize that things were always bad with the relationship. There were aspects that I just KNEW were not right, and now that I have my prescription lenses on and can clearly see, I know that I was "sleeping" and clearly ignoring the subtle or even NOT SO subtle thoughts.
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