secretchord

Does anyone else here have parents that had or still have drinking problems? My father abused alcohol when I was very small. I have a lot of issues as a result. I have always felt uncomfortable around him. I have gone through years of therapy for mental issues (anorexia, anxiety, depression), and still to this day I don't feel right around him. Anyone else out there in recovery that is struggling with the same issue?

happybeingme

My alcoholic father is not in my life. There is an adult children forum here that you may want to look at

secretchord

I didn't know that. Thanks. Maybe this thread can be moved there?

SparkleKitty

Hi secretchord. My mother is an alcoholic, and I identify as ACoA. I too have dealt with eating-disorder issues from my upbringing, and have been in therapy for many years, first in crisis after I imploded my first marriage and then later to build a self-esteem that was not nurtured in my childhood, and then again now to deal with obsessive compulsive eating and bulimia issues. It's a long road to recovery for ACoA's, but it's been worth every second and every tear. My mother is not part of my life much anymore besides the obligatory holiday/birthday cards.

secretchord

I see my parents every holiday and in between. I am not close with any of my sisters. It was a very dysfunctional family growing up. My dad will never admit he had a problem. There is a lot of drinking during the holidays. I'm even more uneasy around him when he drinks. Now I'm getting nervous with thanksgiving coming. I know it wouldn't be fair to ask my family to not drink. Any advice to make it easier?

Not sure I'll ever have a good relationship with my dad. After over a decade of intense therapy nothing changes. He is never going to change. I've accepted that. But for some reason healing from this has been a very difficult thing. Not sure complete healing will ever come without change from him. He doesn't drink a lot these days that I know of. But he still drinks. He still scares the crap out of me. I can never speak what's on my mind without offending him.

SparkleKitty

I did manage to find healing even though my mother has not changed much. She has actually stopped drinking, but her behavior, outlook, and lack of communication remains the same (i.e., unhealthy). If it helps, I do believe it is possible for one's healing to not depend on someone else changing, but it requires time and perspective. It's not surprising that your healing has been challenging. ACoA wounds are deep and deeply internalized. If your family is anything like mine, Silence and Denial ruled the roost, and you probably grew up blaming yourself for everything because it seemed like no one else even noticed how bad things were.

You can get there. Accepting him as he is is key, and you've done that. Accepting that he may never change, and that is has nothing to do with you or anything you've done or not done, could be your next step.

secretchord

I know he is the way he is because of his past. And only he can change himself. Me, however, will I always be anxious around men? Will I always feel afraid at the slightest conflict? How do I change what his behavior made of me?

SparkleKitty

For me, I had to build a foundation of self-esteem that did not depend on validation from other people. This is a complex, layered thing and I had a trusted therapist helping me through it, but some of the most important steps I took were:

• I consciously chose to spend time with people who seemed happy and healthy. These were people accepted me as I was and never said or did things that made me feel bad about myself. Surrounding myself with positive "mirrors" helped quiet the voice inside me that wanted to tell me I wasn't good enough
• I did things I enjoyed and spent a lot of time by myself, getting comfortable with me. Over time, my fear of being alone forever diminished as I realized that even if I did end up alone forever, I would be okay
• I put a moratorium on dating. It lasted three years

This is not a to-do list, of course, and I don't mean to imply that it all went smoothly. Learning to love yourself first is a bumpy road. Walking away from people who you are really drawn to but are full of red flags requires a learning curve.

These days, I am re-married to another ACoA who also spent a great deal of time in therapy before we even met. Life isn't perfect, but drama is minimal and we learn to communicate better every day, and we support each other without becoming enmeshed in an unhealthy way.

I had to put myself in a lot of uncomfortable situations that I would have run away from before. I learned to survive them. I got stronger. It took conscious effort to make better choices, not just familiar ones.

This forum is a great place, I hope you hang around and keep posting!

Liveitwell

Sparkle-awesome words-I too had an eating disorder in highschool, struggled with men for validation, wrestled with fear standing up for myself (I didn't for a long time) bc my voice was never heard as a child or it was shut down by a raging alcoholic father and codependent enabling mother-who actually didn't want me to use my voice bc she wanted everyone to think things were fine at home. Um, dysfunction enough?!? Therapy has allowed me to confront my demons-and those that were in the dysfunction-my mother and father-with the truth, regardless of what they choose to acknowledge. My mother doesbt acknowledge anything abd our relationship has been and will be strained bc of it. I forgive her but I do not let her continue the denial-I very quickly squash it and walk away when she starts the victim card, etc, etc. Anyway, healing is a personal journey that can be done if desired. OP-I wish you nothing but peace and serenity. Check out the ACOA forum-lots of good stuff there.

FireSprite

It sounds like you are coming around to a lot of awarenesses about your childhood & the subtle & constant ways you've been affected as a child of an alcoholic. (and how it doesn't just stop because you become an adult yourself) Any chance you can just "opt out" of Thanksgiving?

I know that once I started down this path & couldn't "un-see" some of the stuff in my past, it was very difficult to be around my family. I needed some distance to come up with my boundaries, define acceptable behavior & study the dynamics between us so I could figure out where to make changes. My father was an alcoholic & drug-addict & my mother still suffers from extreme codependency - digging through all of this was like being caught in a sticky spider's web & trying to free myself. Have you focused on ACoA-specific damage in your therapy sessions or worked with anyone who specializes in addictions?

ETA - eating disorder issues here too! (among many other things)

Welcome to the forum!

secretchord

Thanks. It helps to know I'm not alone. My mother was the peacemaker during my dads episodes. My sisters would stand up to him, my mom would cry and run away, and I would hide somewhere. This is how I remember my childhood. He would sneak in our bedrooms at night after he'd drink and kiss us and it was scary. But this was the only affection he had ever shown to us. I never understood it. I would hear things breaking during arguments. The cops were called. My mom would pack her bags but she never left. She should have left. To this day, I wished they would have divorced. That way, at least I'd know she was on our side and not his. You know? It is a twisted mentality. But I hate that she is a doormat. And she's still a doormat.

secretchord

I can't afford therapy. My insurance is terrible.

FireSprite

Have you ever read these? Both were eye-opening for me:

Roles in an alcoholic family: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ic-family.html


ACA Bill of Rights: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-rights.html

wehav2day

Chord, lots of great advice here! I struggled a lot and didn't visit this forum for a long time, because I am the A in my relationship. Then a couple years sober I started reading here to see things from the "other side." This sounds really dumb to me to say, but I'm finding I'm an acoa myself.

Sounds dumb because I know how my mother died, I was there and I found the drugs. I saw her drink to oblivion. She was the "cool mom" to my friends, and she was very cool, but a lot of the time she was also drunk. Why I'm just now putting it all together, 30 years after her death, is beyond me.

I totally agree that being raised by alcoholics or around them has a huge effect on our upbringing. But the one cool thing is that as adults, we can rewrite the book of our lives. We can become strong, capable human beings. It takes recovery, but it's worth it.

I found that being a "double winner" turned out to be a blessing in disguise. My recovery in aa forced me to look at all of my issues with the bright light of total honesty. That really helped the Codie side of things too.

secretchord

What would I tell my mom (who hosts thanksgiving)? Just make up an excuse?

secretchord

I'm in tears. Totally printing this off. Thank you.

SparkleKitty

This may too much, too soon, but I try to be as honest I can be with my family about why I don't come home for holidays. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say, but I try not to say it mean.

It was very hard for me to learn to say, "I am staying home this year because there is always a lot of tension and drama around holidays and I end up feeling exhausted from my vacation. That's not good for my mental, emotional, or physical well being."

That is really hard for family members who are still wrapped up in the chaos and denial of the problem (dad's drinking and mom's codependence) to hear, so I wouldn't actually advise it until you are really confident you can handle the response.

At the very least, I recommend limiting your time with the family, and having an "escape plan" if it starts to get difficult. I know you have considered asking them not to drink while you're there but I guarantee such a request will backfire on you. You can accept that there will be drinking, but you do NOT have to stay in your front row seat when it gets uncomfortable. Again, it is very difficult for dysfunctional families when one member starts changing their behavior and putting their own well-being first.

My brother drives from North Carolina to New York for every holiday just so he can leave at a moment's notice if it gets too frustrating. I live in Chicago and don't drive, so my best option for preserving my sanity is simply not to go.

secretchord

Thanks. I'm just afraid I'll pick up scent of the wine and want a glass and then obsess about it the whole time. Not sure if I'm ready to be honest with mom yet. I can't tell anybody in my family anything without the whole world knowing about it. I don't need more people judging me. If I say something about possibly having an alcohol problem it will be on the 6 PM news. lol

FireSprite

Let's see, I'm not above a little white-lying to save myself from drama, so bear that in mind.

If I lived out of town I might have car troubles, last minute household repairs (plumbing, heat, whatever); I might have a friend suddenly in need of my help, get sick, develop a migraine that morning or catch a virus from my neighbor kid.

In a perfect world we'd be able to say, "Hey mom, I just can't handle the drama & pressure of a family get together right now. I'm going to stay home this holiday."

But in reality it's more like firing the first shot & starting a war because we can't control how other people receive the information we throw out there. Drama? Pressure? What? My mom would've given me so much attitude & tone it would burn like acid & she would do anything & everything to force me to give in. My challenging the family dynamic like that would really upset her & *I* would become the "problem" because I'd stopped playing my dysfunctional part in the family. Easier to lay low until I had my stuff sorted & could defend my point of view.

FireSprite

I've read it dozens of times & I still cry every time I read it. When the day comes that that doesn't happen, I'll know I've walked a thousand recovery miles to get to that point.