secretchord

My family is a controlling bunch. If I don't go to thanksgiving, they'll be shooting daggers at Christmas.

SparkleKitty

Understood. I would definitely pick one of FireSprite's excellent collection of LWL's this year. She's right -- being honest is like firing the first shot and it does not sound like you are far enough along in recovery to have to deal with that this year.

Anyone local hosting an orphans Thanksgiving this year?

secretchord

I could just host thanksgiving at my house this year.... Hmmm.... But then I'll have to deal with my husband's lunatic family. lol Maybe I'll just skip it this year.

SparkleKitty

Nothing wrong with that! It's always just my husband and me, the last couple of years. Best Thanksgivings ever.

FireSprite

I love Orphan Holidays - they've always been the very best kind & full of the most grateful folks. Many of my husband's bandmates have been single guys for many years so we have always made sure to include them in our holidays.

My friend is a nurse so every time there's an uncomfortable family event or holiday she "has to work" & no one bats an eyelash at that thought - it's completely acceptable based on her job title. Sometimes she goes to the event but leaves after an hour so she can "work the overnight" or whatever. (i.e. catch up on her binge-watching Netflix & eating ice cream from the carton, lol)

Definitely take SK's advice on having an exit strategy if you do decide to go - it can really help take the pressure off a bit when you go in giving yourself permission to leave early.

And no - I wouldn't trade alcoholics for lunatics, lol. But I might use the lunatics as my excuse for missing the alcoholics' event!

FireSprite

You could go on like this forever, just making other people happy. There will always be the next get-together to think about.

Just remember that whenever you are ready to make a stand like this, it IS going to be as difficult as you think, and probably more so. Take ALL the time you need for you to get stuff straight in your own head & heart before tackling your FOO.

When I came out of my Recovery Closet & started tackling changes in my relationships, I was appalled at how my desire to heal & grow was so offensive to those around me. My Codie mom has been the most difficult challenge by far, her own sexual abuse as a child gave her codependency superpowers. Her denial is so big that I have still never heard her use the word alcoholic or addict in reference to my father. Even though he used those words to describe himself. Even though he did time in federal prison for it. She literally cringes when I use those words.

Liveitwell

^^ Great words, FS! It IS that hard-people don't generally like the truth when they've spent their entire lives not living the truth, keeping secrets or generally using others to manipulate or for their own needs. It is very hard to take a stand and it is apaling how many try to shut you down for doing the right thing. Remember that misery loves company-and so do other alcoholics! Really sick-but that's on them, not me-or you when you get strong enough to speak and act your truth. And you will!!! It is so freeing.

secretchord

He doesn't drink as bad as before. He doesn't get DUIs, doesn't start fights, etc. He has gotten better. But that doesn't erase what happened when I was young. And that's for me to figure out how to heal from that. I need to understand and learn that the majority of people (mostly men) are not anything like my dad. I don't have to be scared of people. But I am. I'm extremely shy. Alcohol helped me a lot in that aspect. People always tell me how quiet I am and how I should speak up more. I don't know how. I feel like when I do speak up, I might offend someone. And I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I feel like a bird in a cage. I've found a way to open the cage, I see how beautiful it is out there, but every time I poke my head out, I get scared of what I feel, then fly back in.

SparkleKitty

Hey you got the cage door open. That's farther than a lot of people get.

This takes time. I don't know how to stress that enough. You did not learn these behaviors and survival mechanisms over night. You won't UNlearn them overnight either. It took me a long time to really emotionally understand that the survival behaviors I learned when I was five don't apply to everyday life and normal relationships. Five year olds are not self-sufficient, but adults can be. The more you take care of yourself, the more positive choices you make to support your own well-being and health, the more building blocks you put in your foundation of self-worth, self-respect, and self-love. You'll learn to trust yourself more and it will get a lot less scarier to step outside your safe zone. And then one day, your cage will disappear entirely.

But it takes as long as it takes. Try to resist negative self-talk and self-shaming. It doesn't do anything but keep you stuck. You deserve the rich, full life you want, but it will take time, focus, and hard work. You can do it, though. If I could, anyone can!

LifeRecovery

Secretchord-

My eating disorder started me on the journey to recovery. Meeting, loving and marrying a problem drinker allowed me to continue my journey.

It also allowed me to crack open just how much the disease of addiction was in my family (extended) but codependency was very rampant and untreated in my immediate family.

It has taken me a lot of time to come to terms with my family. I am must now dealing with a whole lot of anger issues that I have not dealt with in my previous 38 years.

I just want to assure you that it will happen. At times it is only in retrospect that I see my growth because in the moment it is two step forward, two steps back.

I live a distance away, but I actually had two trips I was planning home (tickets purchase and ready to go) and I actually missed the plane on and did not reschedule.....I was not able to be upfront and honest in those moments, but I did take care of myself. Best money I ever spent to stay at home.

Be gentle with you as you work this. Beating ourselves up on top of everything else helps no one.