My alcoholic is so cruel
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somers, MT
Posts: 31
My alcoholic is so cruel
I've been with my alcoholic for 5 years. I have severe asthma so over the past 5 years I have been hospitalized several times (4 times with pneumonia). The first time I was in the hospital was for 5 days. He called me once and never came to see me (he didn't have a car but that never prevented him from asking people he knew to take him wherever he wanted to go). The last time was a year and a half ago when I was pregnant with our daughter. Not only did I have pneumonia, I also had a tear in one of my lungs. I told him how horrible I felt and that I thought I needed to go to the hospital. He said he didn't believe me and then left me alone with our infant son to go to the bar. He also abandoned me after I had our daughter and had postpartum depression. I was sobbing and told him I wanted to die and he said he was going to the gas station and would be back in 10 minutes. An hour later I was frantically calling him and he wasn't answering his phone. I tracked him down at the bar. And what he had to say to me was, "Are you dead? So was my 45 minutes really that tragic to your life?"
I got sick again 2 days ago, but getting really sick yesterday (pneumonia again). He knew I was sick and left for the bar. 2 hours later, I drove myself to the hospital. He seemed to feel bad when he got home and realized I drove myself to the ER. He said that he would be there for me this time and take care of me. I should've known this was a trap. I came back home from the ER and he was asking me how I feel. I told him I couldn't breathe, felt very weak and hurt all over my body. He was rubbing my arm and it was making my arm hurt so I told him I appreciated that he was rubbing my arm but asked him to stop because it hurt. And he says, "Oh, well how about this." while he thumps my other arm. It hurt and I got upset. Then he accused me of not allowing him to be himself. The he smacked my ass as I was leaving the room. Again told him it hurt. He laughed about it. Then throughout the evening made comments about how I don't love my kids because the only reason they were going to eat dinner was because of him. And then made references to the fact that he just doesn't know what to believe and I'm probably not as sick as I "pretend" to be. A few hours later, I ended up going back to the ER. I was going to drive myself but he insisted on driving me. Yelled at me for not getting in the car fast enough and then told me he shouldn't be driving because he had too much to drink. I told him I would have driven myself. Then he accuses me of planning this: having him drive me 20 miles to the ER at night so he would get pulled over and get a DUI. I was dumbfounded. I feel like yesterday was to prove a point. I feel like he thought to himself, she keeps telling me I am never there for her, well I'll do it this time and make her regret it so she doesn't bitch about me not being there for her again. I just don't understand, why so mean and cruel? At this point, I really question why I put up with this.
I got sick again 2 days ago, but getting really sick yesterday (pneumonia again). He knew I was sick and left for the bar. 2 hours later, I drove myself to the hospital. He seemed to feel bad when he got home and realized I drove myself to the ER. He said that he would be there for me this time and take care of me. I should've known this was a trap. I came back home from the ER and he was asking me how I feel. I told him I couldn't breathe, felt very weak and hurt all over my body. He was rubbing my arm and it was making my arm hurt so I told him I appreciated that he was rubbing my arm but asked him to stop because it hurt. And he says, "Oh, well how about this." while he thumps my other arm. It hurt and I got upset. Then he accused me of not allowing him to be himself. The he smacked my ass as I was leaving the room. Again told him it hurt. He laughed about it. Then throughout the evening made comments about how I don't love my kids because the only reason they were going to eat dinner was because of him. And then made references to the fact that he just doesn't know what to believe and I'm probably not as sick as I "pretend" to be. A few hours later, I ended up going back to the ER. I was going to drive myself but he insisted on driving me. Yelled at me for not getting in the car fast enough and then told me he shouldn't be driving because he had too much to drink. I told him I would have driven myself. Then he accuses me of planning this: having him drive me 20 miles to the ER at night so he would get pulled over and get a DUI. I was dumbfounded. I feel like yesterday was to prove a point. I feel like he thought to himself, she keeps telling me I am never there for her, well I'll do it this time and make her regret it so she doesn't bitch about me not being there for her again. I just don't understand, why so mean and cruel? At this point, I really question why I put up with this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
heather.....this is straight-out neglect and abuse.....
You should not be treated like that. Nobody should. It isn't your fault.
I don't know why he is so abusive and insensitive.....certainly, alcohol could be a part......but NOT ALL. Not every alcoholic is abusive....although they may be inconsiderate, self-centered, tell lies, etc..... Abuse is abuse.
Nobody deserves to live with abuse......
dandylion
You should not be treated like that. Nobody should. It isn't your fault.
I don't know why he is so abusive and insensitive.....certainly, alcohol could be a part......but NOT ALL. Not every alcoholic is abusive....although they may be inconsiderate, self-centered, tell lies, etc..... Abuse is abuse.
Nobody deserves to live with abuse......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
My ex was never "there" for the family when we needed him. Anytime the kids or I were sick, or needed help with something or just needed him to be a sane, sober adult were usually the times he decided it would be a good idea to go on a bender, put himself out of commission and spend a bunch of money (that we really didn't have) on booze. Cough medicine for the kids was outrageous and expensive, but a bottle of vodka was a totally reasonable purchase.
The day after we brought our son home from the hospital he drank a bottle of Jim Beam and passed out with his head in the dog's dish. I used to be terrified of what I would find when I got home from work.
Of course that built up my sadness and resentment to monumental levels. I couldn't understand WHY he had to do this to me. Why he couldn't be the man I needed him to be, for me and for the kids.
There's a saying I hear on here and at Alanon meetings- going to the hardware store for bread. It's about unrealistic expectations. Like the ones I had for my ex. He was never going to magically turn into the man I wanted him to be, to behave the way I thought a partner and father should behave. But that didn't stop me from expecting him to. I lived my life on a merry go round of unrealistic, unmet expectations, despair and resentment.
It sounds like you might be on that same merry go round. As to why you put up with it, that's something you will have to answer for yourself.
I put up with it because I grew up in an alcoholic home and never really had a healthy role model for adult relationships. I put up with it because, despite growing up with it, I was very ignorant about the realities alcoholism. I thought that something I did or said could change my ex into the man I wanted him to be. I put up with it because fear ruled my life. Fear of being a single mom, fear that I couldn't make it on my own. The reality was that I was already a single mom, and it's a whole lot easier now than when one of my "kids" was a 180 lb abusive, alcoholic manchild who was intent on dragging the whole family down to his level.
I'm glad you found us. Please keep posting and check out the stickies at the top of the home page. There's a goldmine of helpful info.
The day after we brought our son home from the hospital he drank a bottle of Jim Beam and passed out with his head in the dog's dish. I used to be terrified of what I would find when I got home from work.
Of course that built up my sadness and resentment to monumental levels. I couldn't understand WHY he had to do this to me. Why he couldn't be the man I needed him to be, for me and for the kids.
There's a saying I hear on here and at Alanon meetings- going to the hardware store for bread. It's about unrealistic expectations. Like the ones I had for my ex. He was never going to magically turn into the man I wanted him to be, to behave the way I thought a partner and father should behave. But that didn't stop me from expecting him to. I lived my life on a merry go round of unrealistic, unmet expectations, despair and resentment.
It sounds like you might be on that same merry go round. As to why you put up with it, that's something you will have to answer for yourself.
I put up with it because I grew up in an alcoholic home and never really had a healthy role model for adult relationships. I put up with it because, despite growing up with it, I was very ignorant about the realities alcoholism. I thought that something I did or said could change my ex into the man I wanted him to be. I put up with it because fear ruled my life. Fear of being a single mom, fear that I couldn't make it on my own. The reality was that I was already a single mom, and it's a whole lot easier now than when one of my "kids" was a 180 lb abusive, alcoholic manchild who was intent on dragging the whole family down to his level.
I'm glad you found us. Please keep posting and check out the stickies at the top of the home page. There's a goldmine of helpful info.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
heather, I see you originally joined SR over 2 years ago. This is from your first post here:
He has not changed at all since then, it would seem, except perhaps to get even worse. How about you? Are you ready to make some changes, to yourself and to your life? Changes that will allow you and your child to be happy and free?
You've been around here for some time; I'm sure you know all about the stickies at the top of the page and how important it is to read around the forum. You've probably been advised to get to Alanon before too. I'm not going to repeat what I'm sure you've been told many times already.
You are at the point where there needs to be action, not just words. You told him over 2 years ago that you'd raise your child on your own if he didn't get sober. He's not sober, you're still with him, and your child is growing up in a situation that can cause problems for the rest of his life. This is not fair or right for either you or your child.
The point is I am having a baby in 6 months and I want him to get sober before then. I know I can't force sobriety on him, but is there something I can do to maybe help him in that direction? He used to talk about getting sober all the time, but for the last year and a half or so, he hardly ever talks about it and doesn't seem to have the drive to get sober anymore. I've heard that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom a lot of times before they get help. If I don't bail him out of his situations, the mother of his son does. For this reason, I don't know that he will ever hit rock bottom. I have told him if he doesn't get sober, I will raise this baby on my own. I love him very much and wish he would find sobriety for himself and our baby. I don't know what else to do. Any advice?
You've been around here for some time; I'm sure you know all about the stickies at the top of the page and how important it is to read around the forum. You've probably been advised to get to Alanon before too. I'm not going to repeat what I'm sure you've been told many times already.
You are at the point where there needs to be action, not just words. You told him over 2 years ago that you'd raise your child on your own if he didn't get sober. He's not sober, you're still with him, and your child is growing up in a situation that can cause problems for the rest of his life. This is not fair or right for either you or your child.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Heather, your health and well being must come first.
All the stress from living with an active alcoholic is wearing you down.
Maybe it's time to put you and your kids first. You cannot continue down this path on a daily basis.
Your husband is insensitive, abusive , and cruel.
We will be here to support you, but you are in need of help and guidance. Please reach out to service organizations, find the resources you need to get you to a better place.
You deserve better, you are worthy of more.
All the stress from living with an active alcoholic is wearing you down.
Maybe it's time to put you and your kids first. You cannot continue down this path on a daily basis.
Your husband is insensitive, abusive , and cruel.
We will be here to support you, but you are in need of help and guidance. Please reach out to service organizations, find the resources you need to get you to a better place.
You deserve better, you are worthy of more.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 7
The longer a woman lives with an abuser, the more difficult it is for her to leave him. It is a slow, insidious draining away of self-worth which occurs, and as this is happening, depression sets in, rendering her even less able to take steps to change her situation and leave her abuser. She then becomes almost totally isolated from others, including family members or friends who could offer her support and help. Often there are money problems in an alcoholic marriage, especially if there are children in the family, and going to a counselor is not an option. But the hardest thing of all is that the abused woman has been so controlled and demeaned that she does not believe there is a way out or that she deserves a way out.
There are short honeymoon periods, maybe only lasting a few hours or a few days, when the abuser acts in a kind or respectful way toward her, and this feeds her need for kindness and in these times she feels tender toward him.
The cycle of abuse is called The Stockholm Syndrome. If you google that, you can read about the cycle and it may help you understand why you are enduring a life of mistreatment.
If you have at least health insurance, you can go to your family doctor and talk about what is happening, and it is possible you can get a referral to the right place where you are for some help.
I'm sorry for your physical and emotional suffering. Nothing in the world you have ever done has made you deserve a life with an abuser. You deserve love and kindness and respect, always.
There are short honeymoon periods, maybe only lasting a few hours or a few days, when the abuser acts in a kind or respectful way toward her, and this feeds her need for kindness and in these times she feels tender toward him.
The cycle of abuse is called The Stockholm Syndrome. If you google that, you can read about the cycle and it may help you understand why you are enduring a life of mistreatment.
If you have at least health insurance, you can go to your family doctor and talk about what is happening, and it is possible you can get a referral to the right place where you are for some help.
I'm sorry for your physical and emotional suffering. Nothing in the world you have ever done has made you deserve a life with an abuser. You deserve love and kindness and respect, always.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
That's so awful. I hope you are feeling better today. YIt sounds like the whole thing would have been so much less stressful without him around. Take care of yourself (mentally and physically), you deserve a lot more than you are getting!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow Heather, that is just abuse plain and simple and NOBODY deserves that. Please put yourself and your kids first instead of him for so many years. Please get out before it becomes violent (it's already creeping into the physical let alone the downright cruelty of his emotional and verbal abuse). The saying is that you'll stay until the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving. Are you getting there?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I echo Lady and Millpond....this us not just alcoholism-it's abuse covered by drinking. He's trying to tear you down, systematically, so you don't leave...or you're too scared to leave. Trust me, I've been there. My ex abandoned me and oldest daughter when I was pregnant with our second chikd-verbal and emotional torture and pure neglect. Anything that was an inconvenience is just not okay in his world-normal needs of a pregnant wife or needs of a child? Hell no-we were asking too much. This will impact your children's lives-forever. Please keep coming back-we will be strong for you help support you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Heather, what kind of resources do you have available to you? Family close by, friends, church?
It sounds like time for you to make plans to get yourself and your two babies out of this abuse. Have you been able to tell anyone beyond us here on SoberRecovery what is happening to you?
The other posters are right: this is abuse and it is bad. Sometimes when we live in the middle of it, we get kind of brainwashed into thinking, first, that the abuse isn't really so bad and second, that we probably caused it and are to blame for it.
There are stickies at the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum index page about abuse that you might start reading. English Garden wrote an eloquent post about "What Abuse Is", and my story is in that post also.
It is time to call the Domestic Violence hotline at a time when your alcoholic partner is not home and describe what is going on. You need support from local, real people, not just on-line, and you need to know what resources there are for you.
This does not have to be how you and your children live. There is safety, sanity, health and happiness waiting out there for you.
ShootingStar1
It sounds like time for you to make plans to get yourself and your two babies out of this abuse. Have you been able to tell anyone beyond us here on SoberRecovery what is happening to you?
The other posters are right: this is abuse and it is bad. Sometimes when we live in the middle of it, we get kind of brainwashed into thinking, first, that the abuse isn't really so bad and second, that we probably caused it and are to blame for it.
There are stickies at the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum index page about abuse that you might start reading. English Garden wrote an eloquent post about "What Abuse Is", and my story is in that post also.
It is time to call the Domestic Violence hotline at a time when your alcoholic partner is not home and describe what is going on. You need support from local, real people, not just on-line, and you need to know what resources there are for you.
This does not have to be how you and your children live. There is safety, sanity, health and happiness waiting out there for you.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'll be blunt...this HAS to stop. HE is not going to change...he is CRUEL and heartless and that can't be fixed. you need a plan to get away from him as soon as can be done safely. YOU deserve better, your CHILD deserves better. HE is a monster.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, heather,
I'll chime in with the rest. This is domestic violence. It doesn't have to mean that you're beaten up. I've worked in the DV field for a long time. These situations do not get better on their own. And alcohol may be part of the picture, but the abuse is a separate issue, and needs something more than rehab or AA to fix.
Please contact your local women's shelter or the national DV hotline and talk to an advocate. Nobody will pressure you to do something you aren't ready to do, but you need a safety plan in place. This is likely to happen over and over again until you are able to get safely away from him.
I'll chime in with the rest. This is domestic violence. It doesn't have to mean that you're beaten up. I've worked in the DV field for a long time. These situations do not get better on their own. And alcohol may be part of the picture, but the abuse is a separate issue, and needs something more than rehab or AA to fix.
Please contact your local women's shelter or the national DV hotline and talk to an advocate. Nobody will pressure you to do something you aren't ready to do, but you need a safety plan in place. This is likely to happen over and over again until you are able to get safely away from him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by heather59901 
He was rubbing my arm and it was making my arm hurt so I told him I appreciated that he was rubbing my arm but asked him to stop because it hurt. And he says, "Oh, well how about this." while he thumps my other arm. It hurt and I got upset. Then he accused me of not allowing him to be himself. The he smacked my ass as I was leaving the room. Again told him it hurt. He laughed about it.
I know how hard it is to leave an abusive partner, I've been there. I felt so trapped that it was unbearable. But Heather, this man's behavior will only get worse - and one day when you have another medical emergency and need his support to drive you to the hospital, he will run off to the bar and wait for you to die, just like he already has in the past.
You deserve better than him. Please, please reach out to a shelter and/or DV hotline like LexieCat suggested. Remember, nothing will change if nothing changes. What has he actually done to show that things will definitely get better in the future? It sounds to me like he's only showing you that things will get worse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Heather,
I am so sorry for your pain. His behavior towards you is not normal. Men shouldn't treat you like that. I know you are probably very confused reaching out and having everyone tell you to leave. We are only worried for you safety, because he sounds like he is just crazy,
Hugs friend, we care and you are worth taking your children and getting out.
I am so sorry for your pain. His behavior towards you is not normal. Men shouldn't treat you like that. I know you are probably very confused reaching out and having everyone tell you to leave. We are only worried for you safety, because he sounds like he is just crazy,
Hugs friend, we care and you are worth taking your children and getting out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
OP-just wanting to reiterate-I have been through this....my ex sounds a lot like you're husband....while pregnant he got so drunk and said the most hateful evil things to me that it sent me into contractions/he was hungover so dead weight abd I drove myself to the hospital at 7am-then he showed up still drunk and screamed obscenities at me in front of our older daughter-and then laughed at me when I got home and accused me of making it all up-then he went and got drunk. I dealt with being flicked all the time when he was drinking and just like you got my ass smacked so hard it left a mark-and I screamed at him and told him he was hurting me-he laughed at me with this evil smile and said "oh you like it....get over it". Something very extremely wrong with these "men"....I can't even say man bc no man would ever treat their wife is such deplorable ways. He has grabbed his oldest daughters arm and yanks her and also pulls her shirt and flicks her-which is why she's scared of him and doesn't want to see him. Of course none of this is true in his head and it's all my fault-bc as you guessed, I was over sensitive and he couldn't admit the truth if Jesus himself was standing in front of him. These guys are like five year old brats that have t grown up. Btw, my ex was not always like this-the last couple of years of our marriage his behavior got downright disgusting-and disturbing-and more abusive. And he has perfected the mask of playing the victim and lying about everything under the sun. Which is why he's my ex. Please please get yourself and your kids out!!!! I normally don't tell others what to do-we are not supposed to do that-but this is not okay-like anvil said, he is a monster. Please get away.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Heather,
I would like to say something, even though I do agree with the above posts. I remember being in a situation very similar to yours. I think first I need to be able to trust again, I don't mean to be able to trust another person, I also needed to trust me again. Or maybe even visa versa. My head was so confused then. I never knew what to believe because I was told so many lies and I started to believe them.
I just wanted to say "hi", and that I hope that you find this as a safe place for you to talk.
It's really hard to take that step to finally reach out. I'm glad that you did that. I know that sometimes your head gets so confused, and those are the times that I would tell myself now, that I was in "paralysis analysis". I really wanted to tell you that we do believe you here, sometimes I think when we are where we are and don't want to believe that we got there, that no one else will believe us.
I remember going to a therapist once, and that therapist said to me, you did the best that you could do, with the tools that you had, how about adding a few new tools?
I just want to be here for you for whenever you need to talk. No judgement at all. I know I never felt like I was heard. I do want to hear your words and your feelings, you are important to me.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
I would like to say something, even though I do agree with the above posts. I remember being in a situation very similar to yours. I think first I need to be able to trust again, I don't mean to be able to trust another person, I also needed to trust me again. Or maybe even visa versa. My head was so confused then. I never knew what to believe because I was told so many lies and I started to believe them.
I just wanted to say "hi", and that I hope that you find this as a safe place for you to talk.
It's really hard to take that step to finally reach out. I'm glad that you did that. I know that sometimes your head gets so confused, and those are the times that I would tell myself now, that I was in "paralysis analysis". I really wanted to tell you that we do believe you here, sometimes I think when we are where we are and don't want to believe that we got there, that no one else will believe us.
I remember going to a therapist once, and that therapist said to me, you did the best that you could do, with the tools that you had, how about adding a few new tools?
I just want to be here for you for whenever you need to talk. No judgement at all. I know I never felt like I was heard. I do want to hear your words and your feelings, you are important to me.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somers, MT
Posts: 31
It is so strange some of the things you said because it definitely echoes my situation. He will pinch me or smack my backside and if I tell him it hurts, he also tells me I am being overly sensitive. And he is a pro at playing the victim. He is very sociable and has one of those outgoing personality, he loves playing the victim and I think everyone believes him. He never has anything good to say it is always poor him. Five year old beat is exactly right.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Amy is spot on-I didn't trust myself for years-I thought I was going crazy and didn't know what acceptable was anymore bc I was consistently told I was just crazy abd making things into a big deal. I lost my voice/he shut it down. Not anymore. The hardest thing is to know-know-your truth-and stand in it no matter what he does or says. Your truth. Yours. You will receive nothing but compassyin, honesty, truth and support here. Someone recently posted that once the wool is pulled back and things are seen and known that they can't be unknown. Knowledge is power abd alcoholics and abusers don't like that. Please come back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Just remember that anytime we say that something hurts, and they say that you are too sensitive, it really doesn't mean that you are, it means that you said you hurt and they are trying to minimize your feelings about it so that you feel that you were wrong.
Again, please just keep talking here. We are here for you
(((((hugs)))))
amy
Again, please just keep talking here. We are here for you
(((((hugs)))))
amy
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