Last Straw Part 3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Last Straw Part 3
I knew this evening wasn't going to be good! My ah cousin called. He told her that he spent the night in jail. None of it was his fault!! He's thinking of bringing a suit against the police for unfair roughness. Also he told her, his wife refused to pick him up @ 8:30PM because he was too drunk to drive. She basically told him he needs some help. My ah told her he wasn't quilting drinking. She then asked to speak to me.
While on the phone with her, we started saying in the background, "what kind if man would want to be with me" Well she also counseled me to leave and put a plan in place.
Now my ah is telling me he doesn't really love me, looked around at his home and said I'm willing to lose my home, business to get rid if you.
Then he called his sister, who supports him, in everything he does, including his drinking, that my b---h of a wife spoke to our cousin and they both slammed me for 45min.
When he hung up, my ah told me he doesn't love me!! Very hard words to hear after 12 years. Is it the alcohol talking???
My ah seems to change his moods so quickly. Also told his cousin, he'll never speak to her again.
I know I'll never get my old life back. My ah doesn't want to quit drinking. He now is alienating himself from part of his family and the wife who loves him.
It doesn't need to be this way. Life shouldn't be this hard!!!
I'm not going to worry about loosing my home. I'm going to start looking for a place to live.
Again thank you all for listening
While on the phone with her, we started saying in the background, "what kind if man would want to be with me" Well she also counseled me to leave and put a plan in place.
Now my ah is telling me he doesn't really love me, looked around at his home and said I'm willing to lose my home, business to get rid if you.
Then he called his sister, who supports him, in everything he does, including his drinking, that my b---h of a wife spoke to our cousin and they both slammed me for 45min.
When he hung up, my ah told me he doesn't love me!! Very hard words to hear after 12 years. Is it the alcohol talking???
My ah seems to change his moods so quickly. Also told his cousin, he'll never speak to her again.
I know I'll never get my old life back. My ah doesn't want to quit drinking. He now is alienating himself from part of his family and the wife who loves him.
It doesn't need to be this way. Life shouldn't be this hard!!!
I'm not going to worry about loosing my home. I'm going to start looking for a place to live.
Again thank you all for listening
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Z-
Good for you for not engaging with an Alcoholic. Drinking or not he is not well. To try and engage with someone who is out of control, is not good. Let him tell the world that you are a bxtch!! Really?? He's the one that was in jail, not you, He is the one that is out of control, not you.
Try and step back and look over the craziness. If you are ready and can execute moving, then start looking. You don't need to inform him of your plans, do it and see what you find. The less you speak with him right now the better off you are. Don't engage, let him rant. If you see him getting out of control I would leave the house. I can't tell you how many times I left the house and slept in my car to get away from the drunk. You do what you gotta do.
Hugs my friend, you are learning and executing what you have learned!!
Good for you for not engaging with an Alcoholic. Drinking or not he is not well. To try and engage with someone who is out of control, is not good. Let him tell the world that you are a bxtch!! Really?? He's the one that was in jail, not you, He is the one that is out of control, not you.
Try and step back and look over the craziness. If you are ready and can execute moving, then start looking. You don't need to inform him of your plans, do it and see what you find. The less you speak with him right now the better off you are. Don't engage, let him rant. If you see him getting out of control I would leave the house. I can't tell you how many times I left the house and slept in my car to get away from the drunk. You do what you gotta do.
Hugs my friend, you are learning and executing what you have learned!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
It's so hard to see clearly when you're in the middle of a maelstrom :-(
He is saying anything to defend himself from the knowledge that this is all down to his behaviour - right now you're a b***h and so is his cousin, because you dare to contradict him ("obviously" it was all someone else's fault that he was locked up, it couldn't have been his, the police are just after him, no one loves him, gonna go out the back and eat worms). His sister is on his "side" (because it's him against everyone else) .
First step is to do what you are doing - don't engage if at all possible, and find alternative accommodation. The house, the stuff, the nuts and bolts of moving to a life away from this insanity can wait until you are safe and no longer being swirled up in the madness.
He is saying anything to defend himself from the knowledge that this is all down to his behaviour - right now you're a b***h and so is his cousin, because you dare to contradict him ("obviously" it was all someone else's fault that he was locked up, it couldn't have been his, the police are just after him, no one loves him, gonna go out the back and eat worms). His sister is on his "side" (because it's him against everyone else) .
First step is to do what you are doing - don't engage if at all possible, and find alternative accommodation. The house, the stuff, the nuts and bolts of moving to a life away from this insanity can wait until you are safe and no longer being swirled up in the madness.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
What other people think of you is none of your business! And good for not engaging with him! He's acting like a little boy (bc he is inside) that can't accept responsibility and runs to his sister bc she enables him (what he calls "support"). Take care of yourself, get your affairs in order-do what you're dojng....this guy is not partner material! Peace to you 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Good morning!!
I am sitting here this morning with my 3 dogs, having a cup of coffee. My ah is sitting in his chair, states he has nothing to say to me!! All he says is he cant believe his cousin and me would slam him for 45 min. I replied, he opened the door by telling her about his jail experience. I then stated he gave me the ultimate insult by telling me he doesn't love me. He didn't respond. Now there has been silence. My ah is getting ready for work.
I feel like I have no control over my life. I want my life back!!! I know it will never be again the way it used to be.
I guess I'm grieving for what I have lost, or thought I have lost. Maybe I never had a real relationship, maybe I have been living a lie for the past 12 years.
I don't know anymore what the truth is. Sad really.
I was supposed to go to work today, not sure I can. Don't feel like working with my ah today.
Our furnace is one its last legs. I think I'll call heating companies and make appt for them to come and give me estimates. I also am starting the looking for a place to live.
I have never been in this bad a place. Never with someone that shows no compassion, caring or love. All the things that made me fall in love with this man is gone.
My ah husbands sister betrayed my trust. I took a chance and told her about the jail experience. She turned all around, and now his sister who wasn't supportive of him is now his best friend, because she doesn't like me!!
Again too much stuff swirling around in my head.
Going to try and have a good day!!
I am sitting here this morning with my 3 dogs, having a cup of coffee. My ah is sitting in his chair, states he has nothing to say to me!! All he says is he cant believe his cousin and me would slam him for 45 min. I replied, he opened the door by telling her about his jail experience. I then stated he gave me the ultimate insult by telling me he doesn't love me. He didn't respond. Now there has been silence. My ah is getting ready for work.
I feel like I have no control over my life. I want my life back!!! I know it will never be again the way it used to be.
I guess I'm grieving for what I have lost, or thought I have lost. Maybe I never had a real relationship, maybe I have been living a lie for the past 12 years.
I don't know anymore what the truth is. Sad really.
I was supposed to go to work today, not sure I can. Don't feel like working with my ah today.
Our furnace is one its last legs. I think I'll call heating companies and make appt for them to come and give me estimates. I also am starting the looking for a place to live.
I have never been in this bad a place. Never with someone that shows no compassion, caring or love. All the things that made me fall in love with this man is gone.
My ah husbands sister betrayed my trust. I took a chance and told her about the jail experience. She turned all around, and now his sister who wasn't supportive of him is now his best friend, because she doesn't like me!!
Again too much stuff swirling around in my head.
Going to try and have a good day!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,547
I remember the day our marriage was over in my heart.
AH said to me, "Don't ask me to choose between you and the beer. You won't like the answer."
I stayed, and I think now I shouldn't have. At that point I was in my late thirties, early forties. I was afraid of being alone. I didn't know where I'd go. I'd have managed, I suppose. But the idea of divorcing, splitting up our possessions, finding a new place to live was daunting. I was paralyzed with fear.
Ten years later I was ready. The very day I decided to leave him was the day he told me he was terminally ill.
When I was very young, I met an older woman who told me she'd divorced her husband because she loved him but she couldn't live with him. I thought she was full of s--t: if you love someone, why divorce him? Ah, the privilege of youth and thinking you have all the answers!
You can love somebody a WHOLE lot, and not want to follow him into the vortex of insanity.
Since his death, I have come to the understanding that my husband probably did love me, as best as HE could, given the circumstances. I wish I'd had the balls to leave sooner. It may not have been a wake up call for him, but it would have been a less stressful 10 years in my life.
I miss the man I married, but that person disappeared long before he died.
AH said to me, "Don't ask me to choose between you and the beer. You won't like the answer."
I stayed, and I think now I shouldn't have. At that point I was in my late thirties, early forties. I was afraid of being alone. I didn't know where I'd go. I'd have managed, I suppose. But the idea of divorcing, splitting up our possessions, finding a new place to live was daunting. I was paralyzed with fear.
Ten years later I was ready. The very day I decided to leave him was the day he told me he was terminally ill.
When I was very young, I met an older woman who told me she'd divorced her husband because she loved him but she couldn't live with him. I thought she was full of s--t: if you love someone, why divorce him? Ah, the privilege of youth and thinking you have all the answers!
You can love somebody a WHOLE lot, and not want to follow him into the vortex of insanity.
Since his death, I have come to the understanding that my husband probably did love me, as best as HE could, given the circumstances. I wish I'd had the balls to leave sooner. It may not have been a wake up call for him, but it would have been a less stressful 10 years in my life.
I miss the man I married, but that person disappeared long before he died.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
You're going through a really tough patch Zircon and it sounds like crunch time has finally hit.
You signalled to AH that you weren't going to rescue him, that his drinking would have consequences. No wonder he's p***d off. He has to deflect the blame on someone (good luck with that police complaint) and you and the cousin are the targets because you're not on side any more. It doesn't say much for his character; most As at least can recognise their responsibility, even if they don't do anything about it.
Keep your plans to quiet, and seeing you're in a business together watch the money and take steps to protect yourself if you think he's capable of hiding it away.
It doesn't seem to matter how long a marriage, once the ties are broken you'd be surprised how much money starts to matter.
You signalled to AH that you weren't going to rescue him, that his drinking would have consequences. No wonder he's p***d off. He has to deflect the blame on someone (good luck with that police complaint) and you and the cousin are the targets because you're not on side any more. It doesn't say much for his character; most As at least can recognise their responsibility, even if they don't do anything about it.
Keep your plans to quiet, and seeing you're in a business together watch the money and take steps to protect yourself if you think he's capable of hiding it away.
It doesn't seem to matter how long a marriage, once the ties are broken you'd be surprised how much money starts to matter.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon.....when you start to take definite actions...any actions....the "whirling" in your head will start to settle some......
When the push comes to shove....most of the time, family loyalty will win out....
Not always....but, most of the time....especially, if they were not living with the alcoholic in their house every day.
Right now....he is like an amimal that is cornered....and fighting back with the only pitiful weapons that he has to defend himself.
If you would like to understand what is going on in his head....I suggest that you google Floyd P. garrett, Md. -----he has several great articles that explain how the alcoholic mind works. Especially, read the one about Lies, alcohol and relationships.
The alcohol is in control of him. He is doing everything to keep the ability to drink....because it feels like death to him to give it up. He can't blame himself (that wouldn't make sense)....if he blamed h imself...he would have to, logically, quit drinking! Remember, he views you, and everyone or anything else that comes between him and his life (drinking) is viewed as the enemy. It isn't personal! It is about the fear of living without the alcohol.....
Of course, you want your life back....that is understandable. Alcoholism will destroy the alcoholic and every one close to the alcoholic...unless it is arrested by sobriety..... Maybe, he will figure that out....when all of his support systems are taken away.
If you want to save your life....you have to do what you have to do....even though it is verrry painful......
You can read through the thousands of real life stories, on this forum,.....written by the others who have been through what you are going through, now....
I hope that you will read the articles by Floyd P. garrett.....
dandylion
When the push comes to shove....most of the time, family loyalty will win out....
Not always....but, most of the time....especially, if they were not living with the alcoholic in their house every day.
Right now....he is like an amimal that is cornered....and fighting back with the only pitiful weapons that he has to defend himself.
If you would like to understand what is going on in his head....I suggest that you google Floyd P. garrett, Md. -----he has several great articles that explain how the alcoholic mind works. Especially, read the one about Lies, alcohol and relationships.
The alcohol is in control of him. He is doing everything to keep the ability to drink....because it feels like death to him to give it up. He can't blame himself (that wouldn't make sense)....if he blamed h imself...he would have to, logically, quit drinking! Remember, he views you, and everyone or anything else that comes between him and his life (drinking) is viewed as the enemy. It isn't personal! It is about the fear of living without the alcohol.....
Of course, you want your life back....that is understandable. Alcoholism will destroy the alcoholic and every one close to the alcoholic...unless it is arrested by sobriety..... Maybe, he will figure that out....when all of his support systems are taken away.
If you want to save your life....you have to do what you have to do....even though it is verrry painful......
You can read through the thousands of real life stories, on this forum,.....written by the others who have been through what you are going through, now....
I hope that you will read the articles by Floyd P. garrett.....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry you're going through all this. One suggestion. If you're thinking about leaving, I'd postpone the repairs to the heating system. You may need that money to move, and if he wants to repair the heating system to HIS living space, let him deal with it. It still may come out of joint funds but you may need escape money more than you need a large settlement down the road. Think about it. Everything has potential consequences, and you need to make sure you have the wherewithal to leave if that's what you decide.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
