Last Straw Part 2
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Last Straw Part 2
Just a continuation of my last post.
My ah has been very rude and nasty to me since I picked him up from jail on Tues am. I don't even thing he realizes anymore what he's saying. His big thing are that his friends can't believe that a wife would say " I didn't have to pick you up from jail". I did say that, trying to maybe get some remorse or even a sorry out of him. My ah then proceeded to tell me if I break down on the side of the road, don't bother to call because I'm not gonna pick you up or help you. Every night since jail, I've been quiet and he will say many rude and nasty things. I just don't respond.
I thought after going to jail the drinking might stop for a few days, wrong!!!! I was bringing up the groceries yesterday afternoon and on the basement stairs in a brown paper bag was a quart of southern comfort.
While doing my errands yesterday, I just cried, actually sobbed in my car for him, myself and the life we have lost. My heart continues to cry, and the pain is unbearable. I have gone through a lot in my life, just lost my mom, and always was so strong. This is like no other pain I've ever felt.
I know today will probably not be a good day, with the amount of alcohol in the house.
I have always in the past been able to find the strengh to do what I needed to do at the time. I am a professional caregiver, a nurse, as well as a mom, but don't seem to be able to take care of me.
I thank everyone here for sharing their stories, very similar to mine. I respect and admire the strength and courage shown in this forum. Don't know where I'd be without this forum.
Thank everyone here.
My ah has been very rude and nasty to me since I picked him up from jail on Tues am. I don't even thing he realizes anymore what he's saying. His big thing are that his friends can't believe that a wife would say " I didn't have to pick you up from jail". I did say that, trying to maybe get some remorse or even a sorry out of him. My ah then proceeded to tell me if I break down on the side of the road, don't bother to call because I'm not gonna pick you up or help you. Every night since jail, I've been quiet and he will say many rude and nasty things. I just don't respond.
I thought after going to jail the drinking might stop for a few days, wrong!!!! I was bringing up the groceries yesterday afternoon and on the basement stairs in a brown paper bag was a quart of southern comfort.
While doing my errands yesterday, I just cried, actually sobbed in my car for him, myself and the life we have lost. My heart continues to cry, and the pain is unbearable. I have gone through a lot in my life, just lost my mom, and always was so strong. This is like no other pain I've ever felt.
I know today will probably not be a good day, with the amount of alcohol in the house.
I have always in the past been able to find the strengh to do what I needed to do at the time. I am a professional caregiver, a nurse, as well as a mom, but don't seem to be able to take care of me.
I thank everyone here for sharing their stories, very similar to mine. I respect and admire the strength and courage shown in this forum. Don't know where I'd be without this forum.
Thank everyone here.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon......right now, for you, it feels like being near the center of a tornado.
the thing that will help you, I believe (and based on my own experience), is to carve out some space and distance for you......time, space and distance gives the opportunity to see with more clarity and objectivity. Sort of like viewing from the tip of a mountan...it all looks so much different.....
You and your husband are looking at the world through different filters. His is through the filter of alcoholism....and, he is protecting his life-sustaining fluid with everything that is in him. It feel like l ife and death...to him. Everyone who tries to come between him and his drink is viewed as the enemy. This is what happens when alcohol takes over. Alcohol is in control of him. It is a force that is bigger than you.....If you try to control it or fight it or to outwit it or scare it or to outlast it.....you will lose....
Nobody is going to understand....except those who have been there....
for Pete's sake....don't listen to his logic or accusations....and especially what he says that his friends have said!! He puts his own spin on the stories that he tells, for sure.....
I know that some have been beating the drums for you to see a lawyer/lawyers to find out your options and rights. I agree with them.....just "knowing" will give you a measure of comfort and inner peace. Knowledge is power....and helps you to feel in more control of yourself.
I know you are crying....and I know that you must....and, there will likely a lot more to come.....
There just comes a time when you just have to do what you have to do....
dandylion
the thing that will help you, I believe (and based on my own experience), is to carve out some space and distance for you......time, space and distance gives the opportunity to see with more clarity and objectivity. Sort of like viewing from the tip of a mountan...it all looks so much different.....
You and your husband are looking at the world through different filters. His is through the filter of alcoholism....and, he is protecting his life-sustaining fluid with everything that is in him. It feel like l ife and death...to him. Everyone who tries to come between him and his drink is viewed as the enemy. This is what happens when alcohol takes over. Alcohol is in control of him. It is a force that is bigger than you.....If you try to control it or fight it or to outwit it or scare it or to outlast it.....you will lose....
Nobody is going to understand....except those who have been there....
for Pete's sake....don't listen to his logic or accusations....and especially what he says that his friends have said!! He puts his own spin on the stories that he tells, for sure.....
I know that some have been beating the drums for you to see a lawyer/lawyers to find out your options and rights. I agree with them.....just "knowing" will give you a measure of comfort and inner peace. Knowledge is power....and helps you to feel in more control of yourself.
I know you are crying....and I know that you must....and, there will likely a lot more to come.....
There just comes a time when you just have to do what you have to do....
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Thank you
I did see a lawyer. Since it was my ah house before me, only for 4 years, I've been here for 12 yrs, and been the bread earner for the last 12 yrs, up to the last 6 months. He stated if I felt safe not to leave the house, but out a plan in place.
Again, I have so much stuff in my head right now, not sure I'd be able to make a good decision. My angry, hurt side tells me to walk out the door and never look back. My intelligent, responsible side, is telling me to take baby steps, and protect my interests financially. That is a hard side for me to listen too, I never cared much about material things, just what I could give to others.
I have a wedding to go to in 2 weekends, I'll be away all weekend. After that, I asked my brother if I could visit him in Florida for a week or two to clear my head. Not sure if it's the best plan, but it's all I have right now.
I know in my heart, that any incident will happen with my ah in the next 2 weeks. His alcohol tolerance has seemed to be getting worse and his behavior. Doesn't seem to take much anymore!!! I'm very worried about him hurting himself or someone else. I would feel so responsible!
The games have began here again today. My ah goes downstairs to swig his bottle. Not gonna be a good day. I can just pray for him.
Again, I have so much stuff in my head right now, not sure I'd be able to make a good decision. My angry, hurt side tells me to walk out the door and never look back. My intelligent, responsible side, is telling me to take baby steps, and protect my interests financially. That is a hard side for me to listen too, I never cared much about material things, just what I could give to others.
I have a wedding to go to in 2 weekends, I'll be away all weekend. After that, I asked my brother if I could visit him in Florida for a week or two to clear my head. Not sure if it's the best plan, but it's all I have right now.
I know in my heart, that any incident will happen with my ah in the next 2 weeks. His alcohol tolerance has seemed to be getting worse and his behavior. Doesn't seem to take much anymore!!! I'm very worried about him hurting himself or someone else. I would feel so responsible!
The games have began here again today. My ah goes downstairs to swig his bottle. Not gonna be a good day. I can just pray for him.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Whenever my ex got home from jail or the emergency room or anything else that I hoped against hope would be a wake up call about his drinking, he would start drinking again immediately and double down on the abuse.
Sounds like you're in for a bad time since he's full of rage and hard liquor. I remember those days. Any way you can get out of the house for a while. Maybe go visit a friend or hit an Alanon meeting? I'm concerned for your safety. Please take care.
Sounds like you're in for a bad time since he's full of rage and hard liquor. I remember those days. Any way you can get out of the house for a while. Maybe go visit a friend or hit an Alanon meeting? I'm concerned for your safety. Please take care.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I also, agree to get out of the house as much as you can....anything to put distance.
zircon.....just how do you figure that you are responsible for what he does?
I understand feeling bad if bad things happen....but, how do you feel responsible?
dandylion
zircon.....just how do you figure that you are responsible for what he does?
I understand feeling bad if bad things happen....but, how do you feel responsible?
dandylion
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
I also, agree to get out of the house as much as you can....anything to put distance.
zircon.....just how do you figure that you are responsible for what he does?
I understand feeling bad if bad things happen....but, how do you feel responsible?
dandylion
zircon.....just how do you figure that you are responsible for what he does?
I understand feeling bad if bad things happen....but, how do you feel responsible?
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I'm very worried about him hurting himself or someone else. I would feel so responsible!
there is a very important person missing in the above statement......
YOU. his anger and resentment towards you continues to grow. he is already abusive. it won't take much for this to escalate to another level. dude just got tossed in the slammer.
you did not CAUSE this
you cannot CONTROL this
you cannot CURE this
there is a very important person missing in the above statement......
YOU. his anger and resentment towards you continues to grow. he is already abusive. it won't take much for this to escalate to another level. dude just got tossed in the slammer.
you did not CAUSE this
you cannot CONTROL this
you cannot CURE this
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon......when you are in a "dark place".....the best thing to do is to connect with other supportive humans. You may have answered this question, before.....but, are you getting any help from anywhere else? Like a counselor or support group...or anyone.....
Now, I am really glad that you come here...that is great....but, there are times and situations where more is needed.....
dandylion
Zircon....concerning your last post.....do you realize that you are setting yourself up for never-ending agony?
Now matter whatever happens....you will still ask "what if I had done something different?".
This is the kind of emotional burden that nobody should have to carry around...like a millstone around the neck....
Now, I am really glad that you come here...that is great....but, there are times and situations where more is needed.....
dandylion
Zircon....concerning your last post.....do you realize that you are setting yourself up for never-ending agony?
Now matter whatever happens....you will still ask "what if I had done something different?".
This is the kind of emotional burden that nobody should have to carry around...like a millstone around the neck....
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I feel that it's my nature and personality to feel responsible for trying to take care of people. I as an ER room nurse have dealt with many different situations, even addiction. I guess I felt successful, because I always gave everything I had, even if there wasn't a good outcome. I am trying to get it through my head that there is not one darn thing I can do!!!! I can't even try to make it better because, even with the knowledge that the outcome probably won't be positive. The difficult part is not having any control over the outcome, whether positive or negative. I am desperately trying to make just a tiny difference!!!! Not happening!
I have gone to 1 Alanon meeting, but didn't feel real comfortable. I'll try again. I was going to a counselor last year, but my ah said how could she stand listening to you. I continued to go until I lost health insurance. I now have insurance so I will try counseling again. My sister has been very supportive. She is dealing with a child in recovery. Again, thank you for the bottom of my heart. I'm just hoping, this confusion in my head clears so I can make a good decision.
I have gone to 1 Alanon meeting, but didn't feel real comfortable. I'll try again. I was going to a counselor last year, but my ah said how could she stand listening to you. I continued to go until I lost health insurance. I now have insurance so I will try counseling again. My sister has been very supportive. She is dealing with a child in recovery. Again, thank you for the bottom of my heart. I'm just hoping, this confusion in my head clears so I can make a good decision.
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Maybe an attorney will chime in here. But you stated something that makes me share some caution with you. If that house was his before you met, and you are not named legally on any deed or mortgage, you may be in for an uphill battle on getting anything back as ownership. The ownership laws on real estate are pretty robust and don't often get overturned in family law.
You may be able to argue that you should be entitled to any increase in home value be split between you, but I don't think you can force the sale of the house or anything like that because you paid for 2 months or 20 years.
In fact I'd be worried that he'd want alimony from you if you have been the larger breadwinner in the relationship.
You may be able to argue that you should be entitled to any increase in home value be split between you, but I don't think you can force the sale of the house or anything like that because you paid for 2 months or 20 years.
In fact I'd be worried that he'd want alimony from you if you have been the larger breadwinner in the relationship.
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Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread
Maybe an attorney will chime in here. But you stated something that makes me share some caution with you. If that house was his before you met, and you are not named legally on any deed or mortgage, you may be in for an uphill battle on getting anything back as ownership. The ownership laws on real estate are pretty robust and don't often get overturned in family law.
You may be able to argue that you should be entitled to any increase in home value be split between you, but I don't think you can force the sale of the house or anything like that because you paid for 2 months or 20 years.
In fact I'd be worried that he'd want alimony from you if you have been the larger breadwinner in the relationship.
You may be able to argue that you should be entitled to any increase in home value be split between you, but I don't think you can force the sale of the house or anything like that because you paid for 2 months or 20 years.
In fact I'd be worried that he'd want alimony from you if you have been the larger breadwinner in the relationship.
My name is on the deed and mortgage. Thank goodness. The lawyer did tell me, not to leave if possible, since it was intially his home. I had my own home and sold it 3 yrs ago, used proceeds to pay our bills. I have a lot of thinking to do though. Very confused about many things, what my true feelings are, and the financial stuff(which I don't care much about, but should!). I'm so hurt, I at this point don't know how I true feel for my ah
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You don't have to figure it all out this second.
You got some legal advice about protecting your financial interests. You are going to Al-Anon (and perhaps to a counselor) to help protect your emotional interests. You need to take care, yourself, of your physical needs--to eat well, get as much rest as you can, maybe some yoga or exercise can help, too.
Keep breathing. Over time, things will become clearer.
Hugs!
You got some legal advice about protecting your financial interests. You are going to Al-Anon (and perhaps to a counselor) to help protect your emotional interests. You need to take care, yourself, of your physical needs--to eat well, get as much rest as you can, maybe some yoga or exercise can help, too.
Keep breathing. Over time, things will become clearer.
Hugs!
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