My son won't speak to me

Old 10-30-2015, 09:10 PM
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My son won't speak to me

So the way my house appeared through my sons eyes is that my husband who always hid his drinking, was the fun nice guy. I was the raging lunatic who made everyone's life miserable. My son always defended his father. Always told me to stop being mean. He always ran to his fathers side. Always protected him. Even when my husband paid my son to lie to me about his drinking last year my son did lie to me and protected his father.

Now my husband is leaving and my son won't speak to me. Only speaks now to his father. My son is 19. I feel like I've now been abandoned by both of them. It's so unfair. And then I end up going to that ugly place of maybe this was my fault. I'm sure some of it is. But I'm so sad tonight that I've lost my husband, my marriage, my family and my son all in one shot. What a crappy night I'm having. Why doesn't this get easier. It just seems to get harder.
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Old 10-30-2015, 09:34 PM
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(((Amy)))

I'm sorry this is happening - that you're hurting and he's hurting. This, too, is a phase. It's not forever and always.

The "gift of desperation" is where hitting meetings and grabbing a sponsor started transforming my life and my relationships. I didn't see it immediately, but today, this week, I am not the same as I was a relatively short time ago. It's now a wonderful blessing.

I've had the gift of desperation several times in different areas of my life. It's a terrible feeling and I hate going through it! I can say that I still don't know of any other way to the other side of healing except to go through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

It's good to hear you're finding some in-person support also. If you have a phone list or any Alanon contact numbers, it's OK to call and reach out to others.

So good to be posting here as often as needed!

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Old 10-30-2015, 09:46 PM
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Keepingthefaith desperation is the perfect word. If there was an alanon meeting of go right now! But it's almost 1 am! Haha. My daughter just called to tell me she loved me. I needed that. On Monday I think I'll get a sponsor at my meeting. Tonight I needed it. At this moment in time I cannot imagine being on the other side of this. I know it's there I just can't picture it or see it. Thanks for being there tonight. I appreciate it.
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Old 10-30-2015, 10:04 PM
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I do understand what it is to be a parent of adult children.

So that being said, best I can offer, just take a step back, and wait for the dust to settle. Sometimes less is more, you are under no obligation to share personal details of you and your husband's life with your adult child.

More will be revealed, promise.

Hold tight, and remember, you didn't do this.
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Old 10-31-2015, 04:45 AM
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There is always your side, his side, and somewhere in the middle lies the truth. Your son has a different experience than you had, its valid. By your own admission you were the raging lunatic in the house. Your son is too damn young and inexperienced to understand what happened here, some of what was going on is not the business of a child no matter how old- for now anyways. Shame on your husband for using him. I am unsure why he is blaming you for abandoning "them" when it is your husband that chose to leave unless Dad has once again manipulated the truth.

The tie between a parent and child is so strong, and very hard to break. Take marie's advice and let the dust settle. Just leave him alone. Now you start your own recovery, the best you can do is to "best" yourself. Your son is not gone forever by any means. In fact now that Dad is leaving.........your son is going to be exposed to things he wasn't before because much was hidden by you. More is always revealed.

Stay strong Amy, life is very hard sometimes. I'm going through it myself (not alcohol related or relationship related). 1) you will deal with this 2) a new chapter in life is always a good thing 3) you can and will recover and be better 4) Someday....you will look back and be thankful that you were set free.
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Old 10-31-2015, 05:48 AM
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Katchie here has had her boys sort of hang with their father. You might find reading her threads reassuring. You are not alone.
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Old 10-31-2015, 11:59 AM
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Echoing the let the dust settle sentiment. Give your son what he wants right now, even if it is painful. He wants to be left alone; grant him that. He is going through exactly what you're going through - something that is out of his control that he does not want. Allow him to react, and try to understand that is what he is doing.

Do whatever you can to separate the two in your mind. Your husband abandoned you, yes. That's a valid feeling and you have every right to be upset about that. You have a right to be upset about your sons actions too, because he doesn't understand the full picture. He's not abandoning you, though, so try not to look at his actions in that way.

He's dealing with something hurtful. Let him work through those feelings.

You mentioned that your daughter and he talk about things. Don't pressure her to plead your case - I'm sure she will do it naturally. However, let them continue to have that relationship because he will begin to see that it's not just you. And, unfortunately, you know that your husbands true side will come out. He's going to need another doormat (that's how they treat us). He may be the fun, laidback dad right now, but he's no longer got someone to tidy it all up for the kids.

Do your best to keep in mind that your son is going through the same rough time as you, and is dealing in his own way. He gets to do that. Be prepared for when he sees his dad for what he truly is, though, because it's going to happen.

Kids take sides in divorce, especially when they first hear of it. Everything will settle, though, and you will get through this. He will get through this. You'll get the opportunity to mend this relationship. It will be hard for a while, but keep yourself from letting these negative thoughts hold you hostage. It's time to start healing.
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Old 10-31-2015, 12:10 PM
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I've always worried a lot about what other people think of me. Friends, family member, co-workers, boyfriends. I've wasted more time trying to get into other people's heads, trying to understand what motivates them, trying to manage their perception of me. So when I heard the recovery saying "what other people think of me is none of my business", I just loved it. Somehow it had never occurred to me that I could just keep on being me no matter what other people thought--that I existed outside of other people's perceptions! What a relief to just be able to focus on myself, to trust that I had a core of beliefs and values that I could always fall back on, even during tough times when people I cared about didn't treat me the way I wanted. These days I try to stop myself when I start spiraling out into trying to read people's minds or manage their perceptions of me. The truth is that I will never really know what goes on in other people's heads, even the people who are closest to me, and they have a right to feel however they want. So I try to focus on myself, which was really the only thing I could ever control. I've learned that so long as I feel good about how I behave and how I am in the world, ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
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Old 10-31-2015, 02:19 PM
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As an adult child of an alcoholic father and codependent enabling mother, I wish my mother would work a very strong recovery program. There would then be at least a possibility of rebuilding a relationship because I do love her and want that. But until then, our relationship will continue to move apart. She wants me to make herself feel better about her own life. That is more of the codependency. That needs to come from within and I'm not going to be part of that dance anymore.

Give yourself the gift of time and recovery. That is the best thing you can do for yourself and your adult children. You have taken the first difficult step and found awareness.
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Old 11-01-2015, 04:03 AM
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19 can be a tough age .... Not a child yet not a full fledged adult either. children of troubled marriages are not mature enough to understand the dynamics and underlying issues and react to emotions not rationality.

As an Acoa I agree... Give him space and let him know that you love him unconditionally and are sorry to see him in pain...that it's not his fault. Kids are collateral damage when marriages end even for good reason.

I am a strong believer in counseling with the right therapist....sorting it out will help him navigate his own future relationships. Will he consider it?

Time is your friend.... Just keep loving him even when he isn't loving you back.
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Old 11-01-2015, 07:28 AM
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try to understand this is tough on your son as well......he is an ACOA, he grew up in a household ruled by alcoholism - this meant from early on his "survival" was threatened and he had to make bargains with himself at a VERY young age in order to gain a sense of security. children will often bond to the more dysfunctional parent, in the hopes they will become the hero they wish them to be - AND NOT LEAVE. so in his warped sense of reality, you became the "problem" - if mom would just be NICE to dad, then dad would be ok - AND I WOULD BE OK.

remember he made that negotiation at a very young age......and it stuck and was reinforced over the years. it's not his fault. he's a product of his environment.
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Old 11-01-2015, 02:43 PM
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Thank you all. That's all really helpful. Not making it any easier but helpful all the same. Does anyone know of any sites or books that might help him. Codependency No More is my bible, but will be a bit much for him. I'll take any suggestions on sites, books, etc. Thank you all.
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Old 11-01-2015, 02:44 PM
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AnvilheadII your post stung but it is spot on. Oh how I wish I could change the past with the knowledge I have now.
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Old 11-01-2015, 03:38 PM
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we all do!!!!!

but what we do instead is change the FUTURE
with what we now know.............
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Old 11-01-2015, 03:50 PM
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I don't know that your son would be receptive, right now, to any books or other support suggestions you might offer him. As difficult as it is, it might be best to simply back off for the time being. Let him figure out, for himself, whether his dad is truly the victim, here. The more you try to set him straight, the more resistant he is likely to be.

I have several good friends who spent a few years during their kids' early adulthood unfairly estranged from them. In most cases, the relationships healed in a few years. I know it feels terribly unfair, but for some things time and experience are the best healers.
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Old 11-01-2015, 04:06 PM
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I am in a similar situation with my son. No matter how truly evil and crazy his mother is she can do no wrong. In the last 2 days of my daughter's life and death was immanent my ex decided I was spending too much time her. I talked to my son and he said he supported her decision.

I live my life today and for the last 6 years by high moral standards. If he chooses to see me for who I am that is great. If not it is his loss.

I answer to God and myself and I am OK with me and I hope God feels the same way
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Old 11-01-2015, 04:08 PM
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Do not, please do not give your son any books to read. I did that, learn from my mistakes. At this time your stbx is playing dad of the year. (probably). The father they always wanted. It will all bite you in the a$$ to do this. Another thing to remember is that while they were growing up, they might have been afraid to express their emotions to him, instead they probably went to you. (I may be wrong here, but don't think so). So since you may have been the one that was there so that they could talk to, they aren't really afraid of taking out their emotions on you right now.

I may be wrong here, but think about it.

Don't push anything right now. You can let them know that you love them and will be there for them, then stop at that.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Old 11-01-2015, 05:21 PM
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Ok. For now I will bite my tongue and let the dust settle. It's so unfair but I see I have to hang back on this one. I know there's a larger plan at work here. My Codie side wants to make it all better but I know I can't. I can only make myself better. Thanks all for steering me away from possibly making things worse. Your experience and support is a godsend. Thank you.
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Old 11-01-2015, 05:52 PM
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Yeah, I have to agree - this is a Drop the Rope situation to me too. Otherwise, the more you engage the more tangled you get in the rope & it feeds that feeling of being the crazy one after all.

I know it hurts Amy, I'm so sorry it's happening this way. ALL of us would go back & make different choices when it comes to how our kids are affected, you aren't alone. Totally understandable to feel crappy about it all sometimes, but don't unpack your bags there & move in, ya know?

How about some great books for you though, what are you reading these days?
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Old 11-04-2015, 06:43 AM
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Hi FireSprite. It is so hard for me not to get stuck in this. I am trying my best. The books I have are Codependent No More and Let Go Now. Both have been life savers. Any others you'd like to suggest I am open to reading anything that will help.
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