Ladywind

Did anyone notice that when they were with their A they always had one standard for themselves, but another one for you to control you. They could do what they wanted, but you could do nothing ie he could have female friends - one that he would drink with, one he just messaged, but you can't have male friends?

maia1234

LW,
Nothing is "normal" when you are dealing with an A. That was one of the first things I learned on SR, nothing is normal, so stop expecting normal!!

Hugs my friend, there is always a double standard, if we let them.

JustAnotherDay

Or you couldn't be an hour late home from work because you had to do errands (because you do it ALL) without being accused of cheating, lying, etc. but they could disappear for a week with no phone call because I don't like a situation or disagreement?? Another good one! How dare you buy yourself new clothes! Who's attention are you trying to get in that new sweater young lady!? As they spend $10k on alcohol in a years time. Yea. Their mind doesn't work right. They have to make you feel as terrible as they feel on the inside. Make your efforts seem less worthy of appreciation. Make you seem like YOU are the reason they are the way they are. Exhausting.

But I started looking at it as comical. I never did anything to intentionally anger him (everything does anyway) but when it did, it was almost so ridiculous that it was laughable.

Don't acknowledge them. Just say, sorry you feel that way but that's not true. And continue to ignore their poking and prodding as they try to set you off. I think my AB gets off knowing if I blow up, he has something "on" me.

FeelingGreat

I've noticed from these columns that some As can be terribly jealous controlling and possessive. I wonder if the personality type is insecure and anxious and alcoholism and need for control both spring from this, making each other worse.

Hangnbyathread

As was already stated above. EXHAUSTING!!!!

After awhile you just punch out and not do anything. As in no standards if nothing is happening.

I remember it was even the stupid is littlest things.

Example. I fell asleep and left the TV on. She actually woke me up (in a rage because I won't touch her anymore) and said I'm running up the electric bills by stupid things like that. I let her throw her fit.

A week later, she's asleep with the TV on. How do you think it would have gone if I woke her up?

Or I leave dishes in the sink because I was busy at that moment. I'm a lazy pig.

Then she leaves dishes.........

dandylion

Ladywind.....since the beginning of time (apparently).....there has been a double standard. Even aside from the issue of drinking.
In my area of the world, there has been a lot of progress in the last 60 or so years.

If women want a different standard.....they have to make their own standard.
My children's father expected a different role for me than I felt was fair. He wasn't an alcoholic....but, I think he was quite narcissistic.
Ultimately, I divorced him. I couldn't live under what I felt was less than equitable....and, he wasn't going to budge! I didn't want my children to live under that system, either!

SparkleKitty said something the other day that really rings so true, to me.....she, basically, said that...."We can't wait for others to give us what is ours....we have to take it."

A partner isn't your boss, or your father, or your jailor........but, your equal...no more/no less.

I think what you may be talking about is probably a feature of his personality (in addition to any cultural influences that are involved).

dandylion

AnvilheadII

once i left my mother's home at 19, others no longer had the right to tell me what to do or how to live my life. i mean outside of illegal stuff like robbing banks or setting my neighbor's house on fire.

there is only a double standard if you play along and SUBMIT to his "authority". i'd suggest there is a likelihood that there is more to HIS "friendship" than JUST friendship and he is deflecting on you to cover it up.