missing my husband....
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 18
missing my husband....
It's been almost 7 months since the death of my husband and I miss him so, so much. He would have turned 43 and we would have celebrated our 9th wedding anniversary this month
Out daughter started kindergarten, and she lost her first tooth and he wasn't here to see it.
I think how could this have happened, why couldn't it be this person or that person?
thinking why couldn't he get back to where he was; being functional, responsible while drinking beer. Why couldn't he kick Vodka to the curb.
I don't understand why he went off the deep end so bad. He would even say, I don't know why I started drinking Vodka.
I knew he didn't like change, so was it the change in jobs. When he talked about the job, did I listen, really listen to what he was saying?
Sometimes, I feel guilty; did I help enough, support enough, did I just toss him out?
But than I think, that I had to be the responsible one. Had to keep our young daughter safe, and keep my husband from doing something that could have cost us everything that we worked for because he was being irresponsible.
I hate myself for treating him so badly, saying hateful things to him. I hate him for jeopardizing our marriage, family, our future, and for hurting himself. I hated seeing him not taking the doctor's orders seriously when he was discharged from the hospital for alcohol withdrawal.
I hate that he knew how bad his liver was than but NEVER told anyone. Did he think I hated him that much that I wouldn't care?
Out daughter started kindergarten, and she lost her first tooth and he wasn't here to see it.
I think how could this have happened, why couldn't it be this person or that person?
thinking why couldn't he get back to where he was; being functional, responsible while drinking beer. Why couldn't he kick Vodka to the curb.
I don't understand why he went off the deep end so bad. He would even say, I don't know why I started drinking Vodka.
I knew he didn't like change, so was it the change in jobs. When he talked about the job, did I listen, really listen to what he was saying?
Sometimes, I feel guilty; did I help enough, support enough, did I just toss him out?
But than I think, that I had to be the responsible one. Had to keep our young daughter safe, and keep my husband from doing something that could have cost us everything that we worked for because he was being irresponsible.
I hate myself for treating him so badly, saying hateful things to him. I hate him for jeopardizing our marriage, family, our future, and for hurting himself. I hated seeing him not taking the doctor's orders seriously when he was discharged from the hospital for alcohol withdrawal.
I hate that he knew how bad his liver was than but NEVER told anyone. Did he think I hated him that much that I wouldn't care?
Last edited by improudmama; 10-29-2015 at 12:55 PM. Reason: additional thoughts.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It was his addiction. We who are not suffering from addiction cannot fathom what it takes to overcome it. As difficult as it seems to accept, he was not drinking AT you. He was drinking (and lying, and hiding things, and being irresponsible, and all of those things that come with addiction) because he was an alcoholic.
I hope you will find a way to forgive yourself for the things you did and said. When we know better, we do better. You have learned in the most difficult way how you could not cause, cure, or control his addiction. You are right that you DID have to keep your young daughter safe because he could not, and she could not. You did what you had to do for the one person who truly could not take care of herself.
I hope you will find a way to forgive yourself for the things you did and said. When we know better, we do better. You have learned in the most difficult way how you could not cause, cure, or control his addiction. You are right that you DID have to keep your young daughter safe because he could not, and she could not. You did what you had to do for the one person who truly could not take care of herself.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Sending you big hugs and wrapping you up in Gods grace. Friend, I too said awful hateful things to my then husband-a part of me despised what he had turned into. Your feelings were valid and you did the best you could at the time-as the post above says, when we know better, we do better. That is true. You can't change the past but you can choose to not make the same choices again-that's all any if us can do-and HE could have made that choice, too. You kept your child safe-that comes before all else. Nothing, nothing you did or didn't do would have made any difference. Period. You're not God! I am so sorry you are feeling the loss and missing him...I do understand; my ex didn't die but I truly miss who he was and have asked myself the same questions you are asking about a million times. It's ok to forgive yourself-there is nothing you could have done. Peace, friend.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
IPM,
My heart goes out to you and I am soooooooooooooo sorry!! Us spouses of addicts just sit where you were, watching our A's kill themselves. Knowing there is nothing we can do.
I wish there was something that I could say to make your pain/anger go away.
Hugs my friend, that is all I can offer.
My heart goes out to you and I am soooooooooooooo sorry!! Us spouses of addicts just sit where you were, watching our A's kill themselves. Knowing there is nothing we can do.
I wish there was something that I could say to make your pain/anger go away.
Hugs my friend, that is all I can offer.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I am really, really sorry what happened to your husband. IME, those whom are that young that acquire severe chronic health issues were predisposed to having issues anyway. For instance my husband genetically was predisposed to pancreatic/gall bladder/digestive issues as a child. His alcoholism exacerbated existing problems. He nearly died at 38. Yet I know alcoholics whom are old, and they are still (seemingly) fine.
It wasn't his job, it wasn't you. Alcoholism is progressive, there doesn't have to be an incident that pushes someone into the deep end. It sounds like your husband had hit late stage alcoholism.
It probably won't make you feel better, but God bless you for being the responsible one. You and your child are safe. I am sure your husband wanted you to be.
Wishing you peace tonight - I hope you find a way to release your guilt. This isn't your fault, you did nothing wrong. (((((hugs))))
It wasn't his job, it wasn't you. Alcoholism is progressive, there doesn't have to be an incident that pushes someone into the deep end. It sounds like your husband had hit late stage alcoholism.
It probably won't make you feel better, but God bless you for being the responsible one. You and your child are safe. I am sure your husband wanted you to be.
Wishing you peace tonight - I hope you find a way to release your guilt. This isn't your fault, you did nothing wrong. (((((hugs))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 18
I feel guilty that he had to die alone, that he died in an apartment rather than our home (not that I wanted him to die) but I know that it would have been so much worst for our daughter if he would have been home and died.
I feel guilty for not allowing him to come home when he was discharged from the hospital for alcohol withdrawal however that would have come with a lot of conditions, which no one should have to live with and there was no way to enforce them and I just couldn't risk it.
I wonder, if he just gave up feeling as if I didn't love him because I said it a lot. Would he have done more if I would have told him that I loved him rather than saying that I hated him?
I hate that he wasn't charged with a DUI when he was found unresponsive with a BAC of .5 sitting behind the driver's wheel of our vehicle because the police officer felt that she needed a witness in order to charge him. I realize that this wouldn't have made him stop but at least he would have been required to attend rehab and\or meetings, something and than maybe he would have sobered up enough to realize what he needed help.
I feel guilty living as if his life didn't matter when it did.
I received his medical records from when he was in the hospital for alcohol withdrawal and he told someone he started drinking at the age of 10.
What parent doesn't know their son has a problem at that age unless they were to caught up in their own addiction that they didn't notice? His mom was a daily beer drinker until she gained to much weight than turned to vodka.
I feel guilty for not allowing him to come home when he was discharged from the hospital for alcohol withdrawal however that would have come with a lot of conditions, which no one should have to live with and there was no way to enforce them and I just couldn't risk it.
I wonder, if he just gave up feeling as if I didn't love him because I said it a lot. Would he have done more if I would have told him that I loved him rather than saying that I hated him?
I hate that he wasn't charged with a DUI when he was found unresponsive with a BAC of .5 sitting behind the driver's wheel of our vehicle because the police officer felt that she needed a witness in order to charge him. I realize that this wouldn't have made him stop but at least he would have been required to attend rehab and\or meetings, something and than maybe he would have sobered up enough to realize what he needed help.
I feel guilty living as if his life didn't matter when it did.
I received his medical records from when he was in the hospital for alcohol withdrawal and he told someone he started drinking at the age of 10.
What parent doesn't know their son has a problem at that age unless they were to caught up in their own addiction that they didn't notice? His mom was a daily beer drinker until she gained to much weight than turned to vodka.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
None of this should be your guilt.
He chose his life and it is very very sad. It is nothing any wife or child should have to go through. Sending you peace - you have and are doing the best you can and that is plenty good enough. (((HUGS to you)))
He chose his life and it is very very sad. It is nothing any wife or child should have to go through. Sending you peace - you have and are doing the best you can and that is plenty good enough. (((HUGS to you)))
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
We are simply not powerful enough to save another person from themselves. I'm sorry you are hurting, but torturing yourself with "If only's" implies you had a control over him and his addiction that you just didn't have. You made the best choices you could for yourself and your daughter during times when the only choices in front of you were difficult and miserable in one way or another. That is what it is to be responsible, to be a parent, and to do your best.
He had choices, too.
He had choices, too.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I feel guilty that he had to die alone, that he died in an apartment rather than our home (not that I wanted him to die) but I know that it would have been so much worst for our daughter if he would have been home and died.
This is human emotion of thinking that the location would have made a difference. It really doesn't. Had he died at home it would be another set of issues. Its tragic that he died, not where he died.
I feel guilty for not allowing him to come home when he was discharged from the hospital for alcohol withdrawal however that would have come with a lot of conditions, which no one should have to live with and there was no way to enforce them and I just couldn't risk it. Then you made the right decision.
I wonder, if he just gave up feeling as if I didn't love him because I said it a lot. Would he have done more if I would have told him that I loved him rather than saying that I hated him? The only thing I can tell you is that many, many people thousands, perhaps millions, have attempted to love their spouse/sibling/friend/loved one sober. It DOES NOT work. You could have let him lived with you a raging Alcoholic telling him you loved him 50 times a day, but unless he wanted to quit, he never would have no matter what you said.
I hate that he wasn't charged with a DUI when he was found unresponsive with a BAC of .5 sitting behind the driver's wheel of our vehicle because the police officer felt that she needed a witness in order to charge him. I realize that this wouldn't have made him stop but at least he would have been required to attend rehab and\or meetings, something and than maybe he would have sobered up enough to realize what he needed help. Maybe. But statistically those who are remanded to some sort of program, usually AA, do not get sober. They do their time, and nothing more.
I feel guilty living as if his life didn't matter when it did. When something tragic happened its very easy to forget WHY you did what you did. Detaching from an alcoholic is a necessity for most. You have a child. One parent was irresponsible, someone had to be. That someone is you.
I received his medical records from when he was in the hospital for alcohol withdrawal and he told someone he started drinking at the age of 10.
What parent doesn't know their son has a problem at that age unless they were to caught up in their own addiction that they didn't notice? His mom was a daily beer drinker until she gained to much weight than turned to vodka. My husbands for one! He had his first drink of moonshine with his Uncle at 10 years old! By 14 he was regularly drinking and smoking pot. He never got caught once. His parents weren't drinkers so they don't have that excuse. They were ****** parents - that's all. And its sad; however, we can only blame parents for so much. We grow into adults and the choice to handle our problems is our own, not the fault of someone else.
I hear you anger and I am so very sorry. Take a deep breath. Grief has many stages. Nothing about this is your fault, you didn't cause it, you couldn't control it, you couldn't cure it. I hope that in the near future you start having feelings of peace. I do believe souls just move to back from whence they came. Your husbands love and energy will always exist in you. That doesn't go away just because we have left our human form.
Peace to you and your daughter.
This is human emotion of thinking that the location would have made a difference. It really doesn't. Had he died at home it would be another set of issues. Its tragic that he died, not where he died.
I feel guilty for not allowing him to come home when he was discharged from the hospital for alcohol withdrawal however that would have come with a lot of conditions, which no one should have to live with and there was no way to enforce them and I just couldn't risk it. Then you made the right decision.
I wonder, if he just gave up feeling as if I didn't love him because I said it a lot. Would he have done more if I would have told him that I loved him rather than saying that I hated him? The only thing I can tell you is that many, many people thousands, perhaps millions, have attempted to love their spouse/sibling/friend/loved one sober. It DOES NOT work. You could have let him lived with you a raging Alcoholic telling him you loved him 50 times a day, but unless he wanted to quit, he never would have no matter what you said.
I hate that he wasn't charged with a DUI when he was found unresponsive with a BAC of .5 sitting behind the driver's wheel of our vehicle because the police officer felt that she needed a witness in order to charge him. I realize that this wouldn't have made him stop but at least he would have been required to attend rehab and\or meetings, something and than maybe he would have sobered up enough to realize what he needed help. Maybe. But statistically those who are remanded to some sort of program, usually AA, do not get sober. They do their time, and nothing more.
I feel guilty living as if his life didn't matter when it did. When something tragic happened its very easy to forget WHY you did what you did. Detaching from an alcoholic is a necessity for most. You have a child. One parent was irresponsible, someone had to be. That someone is you.
I received his medical records from when he was in the hospital for alcohol withdrawal and he told someone he started drinking at the age of 10.
What parent doesn't know their son has a problem at that age unless they were to caught up in their own addiction that they didn't notice? His mom was a daily beer drinker until she gained to much weight than turned to vodka. My husbands for one! He had his first drink of moonshine with his Uncle at 10 years old! By 14 he was regularly drinking and smoking pot. He never got caught once. His parents weren't drinkers so they don't have that excuse. They were ****** parents - that's all. And its sad; however, we can only blame parents for so much. We grow into adults and the choice to handle our problems is our own, not the fault of someone else.
I hear you anger and I am so very sorry. Take a deep breath. Grief has many stages. Nothing about this is your fault, you didn't cause it, you couldn't control it, you couldn't cure it. I hope that in the near future you start having feelings of peace. I do believe souls just move to back from whence they came. Your husbands love and energy will always exist in you. That doesn't go away just because we have left our human form.
Peace to you and your daughter.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Friend-truly, you did the best you can!!! I'm so sorry for your loss, again....I feel your pain/anger at your hubby's parents-I struggled with that for years...,my exs mom would buy alcohol for him and his friends and throw parties for him while in highschool-she joked about all the kids drunk and passed out on her floor (red flag much?!?) - my ex also started drinking extremely young and his mother approved, actually encouraged it! All the while bitching and moankmg about her alcoholic husband, my exs dad!! It is SURREAL how addiction and denial are family diseases...truly sickening! Crappy parents are just that-bad parents.
However, your husband had a choice as an adult and nothing YOU did or didn't do could change the end result. I don't know how many millions of times I told my husband how much I loved him-it didn't change a thing. It was his choice to keep drinking regardless and I honor his choice to live his life as he chooses. I feel your pain as I have two beautiful children with my ex.
I pray you have a peaceful and calm night and that you can let go of any guilt - it is not yours to carry. Peace to you.
However, your husband had a choice as an adult and nothing YOU did or didn't do could change the end result. I don't know how many millions of times I told my husband how much I loved him-it didn't change a thing. It was his choice to keep drinking regardless and I honor his choice to live his life as he chooses. I feel your pain as I have two beautiful children with my ex.
I pray you have a peaceful and calm night and that you can let go of any guilt - it is not yours to carry. Peace to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 56
I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. I could have written nearly every word of your post. My AH died 3 months ago in his apartment with nothing but bottles surrounding him. He was 42 too.
I get stuck in the guilt and the image of him all alone haunts me. But he had plenty of opportunities along the way to seek help. I did what I HAD to do in order to protect our kids. Not easy at the time and often not easy to live with the memories.
My daughter had a concert this week and I see all the dads at these events and get sad/mad. But then I play the tape forward and realize even if he was alive he wouldn't be there. He would be drinking, making promises he couldn't keep and continuously breaking his kids' hearts. Not cause he was a bad guy but because he had a horrible disease.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's awful. I'll be thinking of you with the upcoming holidays. Grief takes its own path and moves at its own pace I guess.
I get stuck in the guilt and the image of him all alone haunts me. But he had plenty of opportunities along the way to seek help. I did what I HAD to do in order to protect our kids. Not easy at the time and often not easy to live with the memories.
My daughter had a concert this week and I see all the dads at these events and get sad/mad. But then I play the tape forward and realize even if he was alive he wouldn't be there. He would be drinking, making promises he couldn't keep and continuously breaking his kids' hearts. Not cause he was a bad guy but because he had a horrible disease.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's awful. I'll be thinking of you with the upcoming holidays. Grief takes its own path and moves at its own pace I guess.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
I am so glad to read everyone's responses. I don't know that my AB has the will power and strength to stop. He's just not emotionally strong enough, he has insecurities and daddy issues, etc. and I know that kicking him out he will live in his truck or at a friends house and continue on this terrible path of self destruction. Now made worse because he's "lost it all". I am so sad to think that he may not have the strength alone to stop and will drink himself to death. He makes it worse by telling me, out of pure manipulation of course, that if I was more loving, affectionate and supportive that he wouldn't drink. Which is completely bs because I've been those things and it was the same song and dance. However, no that I am in the midst of having him evicted, I feel terrible. What if he doesn't get better? What more could I have done? But I can't do more. I can't throw any more life preservers to a man that continues to swim away from the boat. It's heartbreaking.
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mama, I'm sure that if he could have another minute with you now, he would apologise for what happened and what he put you through.
He couldn't have recovered at home with you, and not on his own either. Sometimes the damage is so great that apart from physical restraint, alcoholic just can't stop. Realising this, they decide to take it to the limit.
His only salvation would have been the ability to stop drinking. I know it sounds harsh, but you probably didn't figure that much in his thinking. He knew he had to stop drinking to salvage anything from his life, but he couldn't.
He couldn't have recovered at home with you, and not on his own either. Sometimes the damage is so great that apart from physical restraint, alcoholic just can't stop. Realising this, they decide to take it to the limit.
His only salvation would have been the ability to stop drinking. I know it sounds harsh, but you probably didn't figure that much in his thinking. He knew he had to stop drinking to salvage anything from his life, but he couldn't.
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