happycamper1302

As I posted before, my 36 yo son has begun to enter a treatment process. I say begun because it takes place at the shelter he is staying in but I don't think the official evaluation has been completed. He says they will be recommending Intensive Outpatient so he will work during the day and attend AA and therapy sessions in the evenings.

I tried for a very long time to get him to this point, but he wasn't ready. Something happened that caused him to reach out to a former girl friend and ask for help. She has gone above and beyond to get him where he is now, including asking a member of management at her job to ask a member of management at the treatment facility to get him a bed there.

Last night the girl told me she has spent over $500 on him in the last six weeks. She bought him new glasses, bus passes, food, medicine and who knows what else as well as taking him to eat many times. I have told her not to take resources and time from her family (she is now married with two sons). She says her husband is alright with all this, which surprises me.

This is very scary to me. When I was looking into treatment options for him I was told it would be better if he did the legwork himself, and I totally understood that. I just wanted to educate myself as to what was available if I had the opportunity to give suggestions to him.

This girl is from a different country and religion and has had no experience with alcohol or alcoholics at all. I have tried to tell her not to get her hopes up too high about this. Is she setting him up for failure by making him so dependent on her? I sure hope not. She just says he is her best friend and she would do anything to help him. He does come across as so pitiful and helpless it's easy to forget he is 36 years old.

Then I started feeling guilty because she had gone all out for him and all I had done was try to pay for the evaluation. His half-brother had already told my son he would pay. The brother told her he couldn't understand why I wasn't paying for more.

I just got a text from the girl saying the half brother is now asking her to return money he paid for the evaluation because he found out I had offered to pay. She took the money I left to pay for it and bought my son a bus pass. I am wondering if I should reimburse her for any of this?

I am at the place that I don't know how much I should help my son, The girl and the brother are adults and can make their own decisions for sure. My son doesn't ask me for anything, I hear about his needs second hand. He hasn't asked me for anything for a long time because I wouldn't help him when he was drinking. He also knows any request he makes of me will get his step-father involved and he doesn't want to do that.

I am seeing my son this weekend for the last time before we head south for the winter. I plan to keep the conversation light, I hate to ask too many questions about what all is going on here or at the facility. If he does ask for money I will say no. What if he asks me to buy him clothes or toiletries or bus passes or whatever? Should I ask if I can do anything for him?

I need an objective view here, this is really confusing me.

happybeingme

I think you need to do what you feel comfortable doing. If it is nothing than do nothing. If it is taking him to a store and buying him some things than do that. There are no absolute rules in a situation like this.

dandylion

happycamper....I sent you a PM after your last post...but, I don't know if you got it or not.....

I hear a lot of manipulation between his other contacts...concerning who is "responsible" and volleying over money matters. You are not responsible for the decisions they make...about anything! don't get sucked into this because of mother's guilt.
I don't see the need to reimburse anybody.

He has his basic needs taken care of at the shelter....and, he is going to get treatment. He has to learn to stand on his own feet....and, believe me, he is more capable than you know...or that he knows! He won't develop his self reliance unless he has to.

He is lucky to have the resources that he now has. It is a blessing.
He has a mother and others that love him. He is blessed in that way.
Any further enabling from you will further cripple him...not help him.

Maybe you could have a nice dinner with him in a local eating place....when you visit him. Just like any other family. And, basically, leave it at that.

You need support....lots of support......

dandylion

happycamper1302

Thanks dandelion. I did get your message and tried to reply but was told I had to have five posts before I could use the PM. You were right on in the PM though and I appreciate your taking the time to respond.

Yes, it's the mothers' guilt that is getting to me. Sometimes I feel good about my actions (or inactions) and sometimes it eats me alive.

Deep down I feel as though I abandoned him and left him to fend for himself too early in life. He was almost 19 when I moved away but I couldn't get him to go to school or work or do anything. It was just party and drink and I couldn't have helped him even if I had stayed close by.

theuncertainty

The third-hand statement about you not doing more, well, they obviously have no idea what has already been done, otherwise there wouldn't have been a double payment for the evaluation. You could have given your son tens of thousands of dollars and they would probably still have no idea what you've done and think you haven't done enough. That belief on their part doesn't obligate you to prove them wrong by doing more.

But he is 36. If you keep that in the forefront of your mind, it might be easier to step back from the guilt. He's an adult, and as such should bear some responsibility for the mundane details of his life: work, budgeting for the purchase of new glasses or his medication, doctor's visits, buying a bus pass so he can get places, buying food, etc.

IMO, the half-brother should be asking his brother for his money's return, not the girl. But then, I'm guessing that he wouldn't get anything back, while with the girl, there's a chance. That's a negotiation between the two of them, though, I'd guess that her husband will have a say. You're also under no obligation to protect her. (She's an adult and she has a husband that could step in and help on that front if she needs it.) You've already tried to tell her that she's has other people in her life that need her. If the girl's husband sees no problem, that's their deal. $500 in 6 weeks is about $84 per week.

You'd asked if she's setting him up for failure by helping. A way to rephrase that question would be: if the treatment doesn't work, is it her fault because she helped him financially?

If your son isn't willing to ask you for help, that's on him. How can you possibly be responsible for anything you have absolutely no idea of? If you want to gift him with clothes or anything else, do it because you want to and can, don't do it if the only reason to do so is guilt. He's 36.

I hope you have a good visit. Heading south for the winter sounds lovely, especially if it means not having to shovel.

happycamper1302

Of course, if the treatment doesn't work it's HIS fault. Thanks for pointing that out.
Good insight all of you. I really need it right now!

Refiner

Wow, it sounds like the girl and the half brother are all competing to see who can help the most, then the half bro gets ticked and asks the GIRL for the $? Geesh what a mess! I think it's great you offered to pay for the evaluation, but please step away from this cluster. You are SO correct that your son must want to do this for himself... it certainly does sound like the girl is doing it all for him so she feels good about herself or something. I would wish them all them all the best in their efforts and choices they are making, remind them everyone in the situation is an adult, and skidaddle down to the warm weather for the season if I were you :-)