Should I just go..?
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Should I just go..?
So haven't posted in a while. After the last blowout with my AH I gave him an ultimatum... which I know I shouldn't have because that doesn't work... but regardless I told him I think we need to speak with a counselor and that he needs to get his drinking under control or else I was leaving. I'm sure I have zero credibility with him because I've threatened to go for YEARS. Since then, we haven't spoken to a counselor (I don't know if it's even worth it because I know he only said he'd go to shut me up and keep me from leaving and I figure if he doesn't want to go then he doesn't care to work on things). He had slowed down the drinking a lot so things weren't too bad. But that seems to be the way it goes with him. He'll get out of control, we'll fight, he promises change and slows down for a few weeks, sometimes even months and then gradually it progresses to him drinking more and more until another explosion.
Each weekend that passed he would drink more. This weekend I went out for coffee with a girlfriend. I just needed to get out of the house. I left our 1 year old in his care. I was gone for 2 hours and when I got home my son was in his highchair and AH had his buddies over they were all drinking. Now AH wasnt loaded but had a pretty good buzz from what I could see... but it makes me uncomfortable that I can't leave my son in his father's care without worrying about it. So I got home and AH and his buddies scurried off to the garage and then he slept in the basement like he always does if he's drank and just completely avoids me.
I told him I wanted to carve pumpkins with our son that weekend. He said ok. But as usual he spent the weekend in the garage. He does work on cars a lot but it's a pretty good excuse to hang out in the garage and drink. So I barely saw him all weekend and he went to the basement at like 6pm Sunday and fell asleep. I hate feeling like I have to beg him to spend time with us. And that even when he does often he's been drinking and it's not really fun. So my son and I carved pumpkins without him and he acted all offended that we didn't wait for him when he saw them the next day.
Today we got into it. I told him it hurt me that I came home to him drinking when he was supposed to be watching our son and that he didn't care to join us in carving pumpkins but drank instead. As usual he downplayed everything and he just doesn't say anything... which is so infuriating that he just keeps hurting me and then ignoring it.
So I guess the point of this post is to ask.. should I even bother? I've told him for years (been together 10) that his drinking is a problem in our relationship. Instead of talking about or acknowledging anything he just ignores me and thinks if he ignores me long enough I'll forget about it. I question whether it's even possible to work things out with someone so unbelievibly stubborn.
Each weekend that passed he would drink more. This weekend I went out for coffee with a girlfriend. I just needed to get out of the house. I left our 1 year old in his care. I was gone for 2 hours and when I got home my son was in his highchair and AH had his buddies over they were all drinking. Now AH wasnt loaded but had a pretty good buzz from what I could see... but it makes me uncomfortable that I can't leave my son in his father's care without worrying about it. So I got home and AH and his buddies scurried off to the garage and then he slept in the basement like he always does if he's drank and just completely avoids me.
I told him I wanted to carve pumpkins with our son that weekend. He said ok. But as usual he spent the weekend in the garage. He does work on cars a lot but it's a pretty good excuse to hang out in the garage and drink. So I barely saw him all weekend and he went to the basement at like 6pm Sunday and fell asleep. I hate feeling like I have to beg him to spend time with us. And that even when he does often he's been drinking and it's not really fun. So my son and I carved pumpkins without him and he acted all offended that we didn't wait for him when he saw them the next day.
Today we got into it. I told him it hurt me that I came home to him drinking when he was supposed to be watching our son and that he didn't care to join us in carving pumpkins but drank instead. As usual he downplayed everything and he just doesn't say anything... which is so infuriating that he just keeps hurting me and then ignoring it.
So I guess the point of this post is to ask.. should I even bother? I've told him for years (been together 10) that his drinking is a problem in our relationship. Instead of talking about or acknowledging anything he just ignores me and thinks if he ignores me long enough I'll forget about it. I question whether it's even possible to work things out with someone so unbelievibly stubborn.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I went through eh same with XABF - as far as talking about how his drinking affects me and our relationship. It fell on deaf ears. If they aren't ready, they aren't ready. And if they can't see how their drinking negatively affects THEM, they will not be able to see how it affects anyone else.
My problem was that I didn't want to leave 5 minutes before the miracle happened....
I finally decided my life was precious and short, and I wanted a healthier life on MY timeline.
To date, the miracle has still not happened...
You deserve the best things in life - and if you AH is a roadblock to that, you, and your kids deserve to change directions for a better outcome.
Best to you.
My problem was that I didn't want to leave 5 minutes before the miracle happened....
I finally decided my life was precious and short, and I wanted a healthier life on MY timeline.
To date, the miracle has still not happened...
You deserve the best things in life - and if you AH is a roadblock to that, you, and your kids deserve to change directions for a better outcome.
Best to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
This is who he is. He has shown you that over and over again. Nothing you have ever done or will ever do will change that. He will not change unless and until HE decides to change. Can you accept that?
It sounds like you want an engaged partner who prioritizes you and your son. What you currently have is an active alcoholic who has only ever made token gestures to moderate, for awhile, until you get off his back about his drinking.
I can't advise you on what to do, but I can suggest that a good education about alcoholism, its effects on families and especially on kids is in order as you make your decision. You deserve the kind of relationship you want, but right now you have a partner who is not capable of giving it to you.
Sending strength and hugs.
It sounds like you want an engaged partner who prioritizes you and your son. What you currently have is an active alcoholic who has only ever made token gestures to moderate, for awhile, until you get off his back about his drinking.
I can't advise you on what to do, but I can suggest that a good education about alcoholism, its effects on families and especially on kids is in order as you make your decision. You deserve the kind of relationship you want, but right now you have a partner who is not capable of giving it to you.
Sending strength and hugs.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Yowzers-sounds just like my ex. They don't change unless they truly want to-and when in this much denial it takes a complete life overhaul and rewiring of thoughts, etc. Keep yourself and your child safe-your child is the most important thing. Peace to you and please keep coming back!!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 8
Firebolt - that's exactly how I feel. Not wanting to leave 5 minutes before the miracle... which I know is not likely to ever happen. Thanks for the reply. Nice to know someone has felt the same confusing things.
SparkleKitty - Thanks for the reply. You're right. That is what I want and I know that he can't give me that being an active alcoholic. Just so hard to accept. I've only ever really been with him so I guess I worry that what I want isn't out there or that I won't find it... and I know that shouldn't be my thought process. I should be thinking of how to make myself happy without anyone else.
For our girls - ugh it's crazy how similar all of our stories are. Thanks for the support.
SparkleKitty - Thanks for the reply. You're right. That is what I want and I know that he can't give me that being an active alcoholic. Just so hard to accept. I've only ever really been with him so I guess I worry that what I want isn't out there or that I won't find it... and I know that shouldn't be my thought process. I should be thinking of how to make myself happy without anyone else.
For our girls - ugh it's crazy how similar all of our stories are. Thanks for the support.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by gypsysoul 
SparkleKitty - Thanks for the reply. You're right. That is what I want and I know that he can't give me that being an active alcoholic. Just so hard to accept. I've only ever really been with him so I guess I worry that what I want isn't out there or that I won't find it... and I know that shouldn't be my thought process. I should be thinking of how to make myself happy without anyone else.
Most relevant I think, is that I gained perspective on how I had been basing my decisions -- MAJOR decisions about my life -- on fear -- fear of being alone, fear of being rejected, fear of not feeling loved. Once I started basing my decisions on letting go of things that I knew were hurting me, a lot of things fell into place for me. It's hard to even imagine when you are in the middle of a unhappy situation. It's easy to feel trapped. Be assured you do have options, and that life holds many, many paths to happiness -- we don't always find it at the end of the road we thought we would. Best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
This is the person he is and he won't change until he becomes sober and starts a recovery process.
This part is kind of blunt, but it's true. Even if he were able to take you seriously, he wouldn't because you don't follow through with anything you say. You're both stuck in a circle of saying what you'll do, but not doing what you say.
What I have learned is that you don't give an ultimatum unless you are going to follow through. You want him to go to counseling, but he'll only go to shut you up - he said this? That's not acceptable. If you say counseling or else you're leaving, say you need to agree to counseling to get better, or else I'm leaving. Then leave if he doesn't.
This is who he is and without recovery he's not going to change. He'll keep putting in the minimum effort to try to keep you there and continue to keep putting alcohol on the highest pedestal.
Do what is right for your and your child. He's responsible for doing what's right for him.
This part is kind of blunt, but it's true. Even if he were able to take you seriously, he wouldn't because you don't follow through with anything you say. You're both stuck in a circle of saying what you'll do, but not doing what you say.
What I have learned is that you don't give an ultimatum unless you are going to follow through. You want him to go to counseling, but he'll only go to shut you up - he said this? That's not acceptable. If you say counseling or else you're leaving, say you need to agree to counseling to get better, or else I'm leaving. Then leave if he doesn't.
This is who he is and without recovery he's not going to change. He'll keep putting in the minimum effort to try to keep you there and continue to keep putting alcohol on the highest pedestal.
Do what is right for your and your child. He's responsible for doing what's right for him.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I am sorry you are in this situation. What would you say to your sister or best friend if they asked you what they should do in this situation? How about your little one? Is this man the example you want for him? Whatever you decide has challenges but make sure your son is always safe.
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Should I just go...?
Can you just go? You thought about leaving when you first came here, but posted this:
What's different today? Are you more willing to put up with the struggle of making it on your own? Are you starting to recognize that the current situation is untenable?
Then by all means, go. Your son's safety and welfare comes first. And if you aren't in a position to leave today, or tomorrow, then create a plan with leaving as the goal. Save the money you need Talk to a lawyer or legal expert to get all the legal stuff understood and worked out.
No ultimatums. Just action on your part.
Can you just go? You thought about leaving when you first came here, but posted this:
Originally Posted by gypsysoul
The part that makes me feel so sick and guilty is that the thought of leaving lately is more scary to me because I'll be financially screwed. I dont make near enough to support myself and my son and put him in daycare while I work... I also work shift work so i don't even understand how daycare works when I have to have him picked up by 6. My son requires physio because of his prematurity and if I go back to work and have to work more than usual to support us I feel like I can't be an active part of that and I want him to have everything he needs. Of course the thought of leaving because I still love my husband makes me really sad but I feel like a horrible person that one of the only things stopping me is that I'm scared that I can't provide for me and my son. (
Then by all means, go. Your son's safety and welfare comes first. And if you aren't in a position to leave today, or tomorrow, then create a plan with leaving as the goal. Save the money you need Talk to a lawyer or legal expert to get all the legal stuff understood and worked out.
No ultimatums. Just action on your part.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 8
Doggonecarl - I guess the answer is that I've been looking into my options more when it comes to leaving so it does seem more attainable. Realistically there are things that I'd need to put in place in order to support myself and son on our own but if it really came down to it i know i could stay with either my dad or grandparents until i was in a better position. When I posted that it did seem so impossible. I've been able to find daycare that will be able to accommodate my son's physio so that I can go back to work and make the money I need to make it on my own.
Definately got me thinking looking back on that though... makes me want to take more action so I don't have to look back on this thread too in a few months and still be so helpless feeling.
Definately got me thinking looking back on that though... makes me want to take more action so I don't have to look back on this thread too in a few months and still be so helpless feeling.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Hello Gypsy Soul,
My H smoked and drank (to excess) in his garage, no matter the weather. Any argument was full of 'every guy I know drinks like me' and how blessed I was he 'wasn't at a bar.' He actually remains out there to this day - sober two + years. What changed is I stopped having expectations of him.
It is really, really hard to stop trying to pull him in. We don't watch TV together. I rarely even talk to him out there now. I just leave him be. A few months ago he got a little put out as I didn't even call him to dinner when it was ready. I just replied, "You know it takes 15 minutes to whip up tacos." I try to respect his need to be alone. Back in the day, I'd try to go out there and try to connect. It was all for naught. We've been married now 21 years.
He has never figured out how he has isolated himself from me and DS. Even sober, he cannot see it. We don't even talk about it since its pointless. It is very lonely raising a child without a truly supportive spouse. His isolation just isn't my problem. It never was my problem.
Think very carefully and take time to plan an optional exit. You don't have to take it, but planning for it is probably a worthwhile endeavor. And he doesn't need to know.
My H smoked and drank (to excess) in his garage, no matter the weather. Any argument was full of 'every guy I know drinks like me' and how blessed I was he 'wasn't at a bar.' He actually remains out there to this day - sober two + years. What changed is I stopped having expectations of him.
It is really, really hard to stop trying to pull him in. We don't watch TV together. I rarely even talk to him out there now. I just leave him be. A few months ago he got a little put out as I didn't even call him to dinner when it was ready. I just replied, "You know it takes 15 minutes to whip up tacos." I try to respect his need to be alone. Back in the day, I'd try to go out there and try to connect. It was all for naught. We've been married now 21 years.
He has never figured out how he has isolated himself from me and DS. Even sober, he cannot see it. We don't even talk about it since its pointless. It is very lonely raising a child without a truly supportive spouse. His isolation just isn't my problem. It never was my problem.
Think very carefully and take time to plan an optional exit. You don't have to take it, but planning for it is probably a worthwhile endeavor. And he doesn't need to know.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gypsy soul.......it looks like you have gotten some really solid and well considered responses from the other posters.
I will add one other thought....in case he offers it as an attempt to keep you hanging on.......that is about "counseling".
Most counselors will not take a couple if they know that drinking is an issue---unless the drinking has ceased.
I see the pattern where guys who wouldn't be caught dead in a therapist's office---will toss that out as an enticement to keep their partner from leaving.
I believe that they would rather do that thing (through gritted teeth) than the even "worse" thing.....actually go to AA and follow a vigorous recovery program. (the LAST thing any alcoholic wants to do!).
Individual therapy is a good idea, I think---as long as it is in addition to a strong recovery program.
Just a little something to tuck in your bonnet......
dandylion
I will add one other thought....in case he offers it as an attempt to keep you hanging on.......that is about "counseling".
Most counselors will not take a couple if they know that drinking is an issue---unless the drinking has ceased.
I see the pattern where guys who wouldn't be caught dead in a therapist's office---will toss that out as an enticement to keep their partner from leaving.
I believe that they would rather do that thing (through gritted teeth) than the even "worse" thing.....actually go to AA and follow a vigorous recovery program. (the LAST thing any alcoholic wants to do!).
Individual therapy is a good idea, I think---as long as it is in addition to a strong recovery program.
Just a little something to tuck in your bonnet......
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 8
Yes, thank you everyone. Very good advice. And good to know about the counseling dandylion. That makes sense really because I don't think anything can really be worked on while he's still drinking. I really appreciate everyone's input. It's given me a lot to think about as well as just feeling like someone understands.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Originally Posted by gypsysoul
So haven't posted in a while. After the last blowout with my AH I gave him an ultimatum... which I know I shouldn't have because that doesn't work... but regardless I told him I think we need to speak with a counselor and that he needs to get his drinking under control or else I was leaving. I'm sure I have zero credibility with him because I've threatened to go for YEARS. Since then, we haven't spoken to a counselor (I don't know if it's even worth it because I know he only said he'd go to shut me up and keep me from leaving and I figure if he doesn't want to go then he doesn't care to work on things). He had slowed down the drinking a lot so things weren't too bad. But that seems to be the way it goes with him. He'll get out of control, we'll fight, he promises change and slows down for a few weeks, sometimes even months and then gradually it progresses to him drinking more and more until another explosion.
Each weekend that passed he would drink more. This weekend I went out for coffee with a girlfriend. I just needed to get out of the house. I left our 1 year old in his care. I was gone for 2 hours and when I got home my son was in his highchair and AH had his buddies over they were all drinking. Now AH wasnt loaded but had a pretty good buzz from what I could see... but it makes me uncomfortable that I can't leave my son in his father's care without worrying about it. So I got home and AH and his buddies scurried off to the garage and then he slept in the basement like he always does if he's drank and just completely avoids me.
I told him I wanted to carve pumpkins with our son that weekend. He said ok. But as usual he spent the weekend in the garage. He does work on cars a lot but it's a pretty good excuse to hang out in the garage and drink. So I barely saw him all weekend and he went to the basement at like 6pm Sunday and fell asleep. I hate feeling like I have to beg him to spend time with us. And that even when he does often he's been drinking and it's not really fun. So my son and I carved pumpkins without him and he acted all offended that we didn't wait for him when he saw them the next day.
Today we got into it. I told him it hurt me that I came home to him drinking when he was supposed to be watching our son and that he didn't care to join us in carving pumpkins but drank instead. As usual he downplayed everything and he just doesn't say anything... which is so infuriating that he just keeps hurting me and then ignoring it.
So I guess the point of this post is to ask.. should I even bother? I've told him for years (been together 10) that his drinking is a problem in our relationship. Instead of talking about or acknowledging anything he just ignores me and thinks if he ignores me long enough I'll forget about it. I question whether it's even possible to work things out with someone so unbelievibly stubborn.
Each weekend that passed he would drink more. This weekend I went out for coffee with a girlfriend. I just needed to get out of the house. I left our 1 year old in his care. I was gone for 2 hours and when I got home my son was in his highchair and AH had his buddies over they were all drinking. Now AH wasnt loaded but had a pretty good buzz from what I could see... but it makes me uncomfortable that I can't leave my son in his father's care without worrying about it. So I got home and AH and his buddies scurried off to the garage and then he slept in the basement like he always does if he's drank and just completely avoids me.
I told him I wanted to carve pumpkins with our son that weekend. He said ok. But as usual he spent the weekend in the garage. He does work on cars a lot but it's a pretty good excuse to hang out in the garage and drink. So I barely saw him all weekend and he went to the basement at like 6pm Sunday and fell asleep. I hate feeling like I have to beg him to spend time with us. And that even when he does often he's been drinking and it's not really fun. So my son and I carved pumpkins without him and he acted all offended that we didn't wait for him when he saw them the next day.
Today we got into it. I told him it hurt me that I came home to him drinking when he was supposed to be watching our son and that he didn't care to join us in carving pumpkins but drank instead. As usual he downplayed everything and he just doesn't say anything... which is so infuriating that he just keeps hurting me and then ignoring it.
So I guess the point of this post is to ask.. should I even bother? I've told him for years (been together 10) that his drinking is a problem in our relationship. Instead of talking about or acknowledging anything he just ignores me and thinks if he ignores me long enough I'll forget about it. I question whether it's even possible to work things out with someone so unbelievibly stubborn.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
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Teatreeoil - Good question. I think we still love each other... I honestly do. Which is why I haven't left I suppose. But then again you would think that if someone loved you back it wouldn't be this hard.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Just because you love someone does not mean it's possible to EVER have a healthy relationship with them. I did just what you are doing. Threw out ultimatiums, did not follow through. Because MISERABLE. Children got older, and angry because I was always trying to downplay and hide what was really going on. I ended up divorced, thank God.
Before I divorced, I went to counseling on my own. No point in going together unless he actually has any interest in change, which obviously he does not. It makes you mad that he says nothing, but he gets that if he does, it's empty promises he has no intention of keeping. I went for ME. I went so that no matter what would happen, I would be ok, and my kids would be ok. You know what, we are.
Many hugs to you.
Before I divorced, I went to counseling on my own. No point in going together unless he actually has any interest in change, which obviously he does not. It makes you mad that he says nothing, but he gets that if he does, it's empty promises he has no intention of keeping. I went for ME. I went so that no matter what would happen, I would be ok, and my kids would be ok. You know what, we are.
Many hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Firebolt wrote: "My problem was that I didn't want to leave 5 minutes before the miracle happened...."
Yep, so many of us feel that way, yet when we wait we cede all control of our lives to an alcoholic who does not, cannot care about what happens to us.
Why not say, "GO, and come back in a year if a miracle has happened and you are sober and in true recovery"
Then we get our lives, and they get theirs, and if their love for us is enough to motivate them to truly change, we get back together.
ShootingStar1
Yep, so many of us feel that way, yet when we wait we cede all control of our lives to an alcoholic who does not, cannot care about what happens to us.
Why not say, "GO, and come back in a year if a miracle has happened and you are sober and in true recovery"
Then we get our lives, and they get theirs, and if their love for us is enough to motivate them to truly change, we get back together.
ShootingStar1
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