The Last Straw
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
The Last Straw
Hi, haven't posted in a few weeks, actually tried x2 but somehow they got lost.
Things with my AH has gone I think to a new level, or maybe I'm just not willing to see because I love this man. We opened our new business. Things are going well with the business, getting work in, and customers. Time will tell.
In a previous post, I was concerned about my AH hanging around with a 27 yr old young man who had a DUI, that involved a fatality. Our business has been open about 3 weeks. My ah was, I guess trying to do a good thing, he picked up this young man everyday to help him in the shop, strictly not being paid. The guy doesn't have a license.
The story gets much worse. My AH, drives this guy home every night, so doesn't get home till around 5:45PM. I had just set up a new answering machine at the shop, so decided around 6PM, to call the shop to check it out. When I called my ah answered. He stated he was waiting for the roofers to bring their supplies in, and would be leaving in about 15min.
Well about by 7:30PM, I was getting worried, I called the shop, no answer, my ah then called me back. He explained that the roofer were still cleaning up, clearly a lie. I told him he sounded like he had been drinking. He denied it, asked if the young man could stay at our house so he didn't have to drive him, I said fine.
Well, it is now 8:30PM, and no one has come home. I called the shop again, I was very worried. My AH answered. He was very drunk, I could here the other guy screaming in the background, not in a bad way, like he was impaired. My AH told me he was drunk and wanted me to come get him. I told him I couldn't get him, he knows I don't drive at night( I have no vision in my right eye) He then stated he would call his friend to bring them home.
I waited till around 10:15PM, no one came home so left a message on the friends answering machine that was supposed to be picking them up.
I was frantic with worry. I got a call around 11PM from the friend going to pick them up. He told me the young man became unresponsive so my AH called 911. The police came and my AH became nasty so they took him into protective custody, and transported the other guy to the hospital.
To try to make this shorter, I was called the next am to pick my AH up the jail. The guard who spoke to me told me not to let him drive he blew a 0.39 at 4AM.
My arrogant ***** of an AH had no feelings of being remorseful.
Thank goodness the young man is ok.
I told my AH we could no longer live together if he continues to drink. He again denied regularly drinking at work, obviously a lie. I asked him to leave our house. He refused. The arrogance was frightening. He justified this, that he did the right thing by not driving!!!!!
I guess I now will be looking for a place to live. How do I have to move, I haven't done anything wrong. I just want my life back and to stop being so angry. I hate who I'm becoming. I need some advice??? What should I do??? The next incident could be devastating. My AH was lucky this time. Please help me. I'm hurting.
Things with my AH has gone I think to a new level, or maybe I'm just not willing to see because I love this man. We opened our new business. Things are going well with the business, getting work in, and customers. Time will tell.
In a previous post, I was concerned about my AH hanging around with a 27 yr old young man who had a DUI, that involved a fatality. Our business has been open about 3 weeks. My ah was, I guess trying to do a good thing, he picked up this young man everyday to help him in the shop, strictly not being paid. The guy doesn't have a license.
The story gets much worse. My AH, drives this guy home every night, so doesn't get home till around 5:45PM. I had just set up a new answering machine at the shop, so decided around 6PM, to call the shop to check it out. When I called my ah answered. He stated he was waiting for the roofers to bring their supplies in, and would be leaving in about 15min.
Well about by 7:30PM, I was getting worried, I called the shop, no answer, my ah then called me back. He explained that the roofer were still cleaning up, clearly a lie. I told him he sounded like he had been drinking. He denied it, asked if the young man could stay at our house so he didn't have to drive him, I said fine.
Well, it is now 8:30PM, and no one has come home. I called the shop again, I was very worried. My AH answered. He was very drunk, I could here the other guy screaming in the background, not in a bad way, like he was impaired. My AH told me he was drunk and wanted me to come get him. I told him I couldn't get him, he knows I don't drive at night( I have no vision in my right eye) He then stated he would call his friend to bring them home.
I waited till around 10:15PM, no one came home so left a message on the friends answering machine that was supposed to be picking them up.
I was frantic with worry. I got a call around 11PM from the friend going to pick them up. He told me the young man became unresponsive so my AH called 911. The police came and my AH became nasty so they took him into protective custody, and transported the other guy to the hospital.
To try to make this shorter, I was called the next am to pick my AH up the jail. The guard who spoke to me told me not to let him drive he blew a 0.39 at 4AM.
My arrogant ***** of an AH had no feelings of being remorseful.
Thank goodness the young man is ok.
I told my AH we could no longer live together if he continues to drink. He again denied regularly drinking at work, obviously a lie. I asked him to leave our house. He refused. The arrogance was frightening. He justified this, that he did the right thing by not driving!!!!!
I guess I now will be looking for a place to live. How do I have to move, I haven't done anything wrong. I just want my life back and to stop being so angry. I hate who I'm becoming. I need some advice??? What should I do??? The next incident could be devastating. My AH was lucky this time. Please help me. I'm hurting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 7
I'm sorry for your pain this morning. You probably had such hopes for the new business and maybe a fresh sober start in life for your husband.
Unfortunately life with any alcoholic is marked by shock, unexpected crisis, major disappointments and betrayals. It is the reality of life with someone who cannot control the compulsion to drink.
The only part of your story you have any control over is yourself. If you stay in the marriage or if you go, all you can do is release any attempts to control or change your AH and do some deep soul-searching about what you need to do to take care of yourself. We have to face reality. And make choices for what is best for our lives. It is painful, under any circumstances.
Take the time you need to sort things out within you. You do not need to have any answers today and you can take the time to get a clear and rational mind, so that you do not make a major decision in a state of inner chaos.
Reading recovery literature from Al-Anon or the materials on this site will help you find your equilibrium. It is a long road. Take the time you need.
Unfortunately life with any alcoholic is marked by shock, unexpected crisis, major disappointments and betrayals. It is the reality of life with someone who cannot control the compulsion to drink.
The only part of your story you have any control over is yourself. If you stay in the marriage or if you go, all you can do is release any attempts to control or change your AH and do some deep soul-searching about what you need to do to take care of yourself. We have to face reality. And make choices for what is best for our lives. It is painful, under any circumstances.
Take the time you need to sort things out within you. You do not need to have any answers today and you can take the time to get a clear and rational mind, so that you do not make a major decision in a state of inner chaos.
Reading recovery literature from Al-Anon or the materials on this site will help you find your equilibrium. It is a long road. Take the time you need.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon......there is a saying in recovery circles that is as old as the hills....
"Nothing changes if nothing changes".
Alcoholism is progressive....unless it is arrested by recovery......
It can't possibly be helping you---sitting smack in the middle of the duck soup......
dandylion
.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes".
Alcoholism is progressive....unless it is arrested by recovery......
It can't possibly be helping you---sitting smack in the middle of the duck soup......
dandylion
.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: GA, USA
Posts: 107
Very scary situation! Ive spent many sleepless nights (up to weeks when he just "disappeared") thinking the worst, that someone was dead or in jail or hurt.
Im sorry you have to go through this while you clearly are the one keeping it together. Is the business in your name?
Im sorry you have to go through this while you clearly are the one keeping it together. Is the business in your name?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I just read through your threads. It seems that you have had one incidence after another with AH and lots of abuse. I know you feel you should t have to leave but he has made it clear he is t going anywhere.
Did you meet with an attorney as stated in previous posts?
At this point your AH is out of control. This could have some horrible ramifications on you. He is getting arrested. He could get a DUI or accident or something else that could just compound your problems HUGE.
Please save yourself from this mess before it gets worse. You need to ask an attorney about leaving the house but at this point if I were you I woukd t much care as long as I could get myself to safety. Is here somewhere you could stay with family of friends?
Did you meet with an attorney as stated in previous posts?
At this point your AH is out of control. This could have some horrible ramifications on you. He is getting arrested. He could get a DUI or accident or something else that could just compound your problems HUGE.
Please save yourself from this mess before it gets worse. You need to ask an attorney about leaving the house but at this point if I were you I woukd t much care as long as I could get myself to safety. Is here somewhere you could stay with family of friends?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm sorry you had such a scary experience - I felt completely out of control just reading about it. 
I have no idea what you should do, but I know that no one should have to live with this type of stress. The reality is that he is drinking. He sees no reason to stop & you can't control his decisions. Learning to detach would be step #1 for me - so I could get some mental distance & keep observing rather than reacting. Some space to think.
A .39 on a breathalyzer is No Joke either - that's seriously intoxicated & approaching death. It's about the highest you'll even see them measure on BAC charts. To me, this is someone who is serious about their habit & unlikely to be receptive to change.
My dad blew a .32 after an accident once, woke up in the ER with a broken neck, broken bones in his back, a broken jaw that needed to be wired. That still wasn't his rock bottom though.
What have you been doing to insulate yourself from this madness? Where are you reaching out for support & relief? Are you taking the time for proper sleep, nutrition, etc. so that you can keep a clearer head for making decisions, etc.?
I have no idea what you should do, but I know that no one should have to live with this type of stress. The reality is that he is drinking. He sees no reason to stop & you can't control his decisions. Learning to detach would be step #1 for me - so I could get some mental distance & keep observing rather than reacting. Some space to think.
A .39 on a breathalyzer is No Joke either - that's seriously intoxicated & approaching death. It's about the highest you'll even see them measure on BAC charts. To me, this is someone who is serious about their habit & unlikely to be receptive to change.
My dad blew a .32 after an accident once, woke up in the ER with a broken neck, broken bones in his back, a broken jaw that needed to be wired. That still wasn't his rock bottom though.
What have you been doing to insulate yourself from this madness? Where are you reaching out for support & relief? Are you taking the time for proper sleep, nutrition, etc. so that you can keep a clearer head for making decisions, etc.?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by Zircon 
I guess I now will be looking for a place to live. How do I have to move, I haven't done anything wrong. I just want my life back and to stop being so angry. I hate who I'm becoming.
Mid-March my (now rah) H went off the deep end. Three day binge and way, way more than normal of his BS. I believe that he was taking Ambien on top of the alcohol but I will never know for sure. He got scared asked for help - I told him to call someone that gave a $h!t. He called his mommy who begged me to get him help. I told her if she was so concerned she should get him the help herself (she lives in the same city - about 35 miles away). She called his brother and "together" they got him into a rehab.
We have reconciled as much as we can and are working on our life together but it is hard. I was able to accomplish splitting the finances during this time period so at least now I have control of my own money. He has remained sober (sometimes white knuckling). He does AA though I am unsure at this time exactly how many meeting he is going to. Not my problem.
I am working very hard on myself. I have too many things I want to do with my life. I have told him that there is a place beside me if he wants it, if not that is his choice.
It is unfair - period. The sooner you can accept this, the better. It took me about 15 year. I will NEVER be put into the situation again and he knows it. One slip and it is over. Period. May sound harsh but that is the way it is.
When your desire to get your life back becomes stronger than the feelings of unfairness your path will be clear. Peace does not have a price.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
When my former husband blew a .329 in the ER, after going into a coma, I found the information below in a chart format at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_alcohol_content. It is used by the Federal Aviation Regulation on their Flight/Physical site.
I didn't say much when he told me he wasn't an alcoholic and the ER falsified his test. I did print out the chart and leave it, along with a copy of his ER discharge papers showing the .329 BAC, on the table for him to see. I wanted him to know, without any discussion with me, from an authoritative source, that he could have died that night.
The chart is much better visually to convey this information, but here it is in text form for your information.
ShootingStar1
Progressive effects of alcohol
BAC (% by vol.)(Blood Alcohol Content) Behavior Impairment
BAC 0.001–0.029
Average individual appears normal
Subtle effects that can be detected with special tests
BAC 0.030–0.059
Mild euphoria
Relaxation
Joyousness
Talkativeness
Decreased inhibition
Concentration
BAC 0.060–0.099
Blunted feelings
Reduced sensitivity to pain
Euphoria
Disinhibition
Extroversion
Reasoning
Depth perception
Peripheral vision
Glare recovery
BAC 0.100–0.199
Over-expression
Boisterousness
Possibility of nausea and vomiting
Reflexes
Reaction time
Gross motor control
Staggering
Slurred speech
Temporary erectile dysfunction
BAC 0.200–0.299
Nausea
Vomiting
Emotional swings
Anger or sadness
Partial loss of understanding
Impaired sensations
Decreased libido
Possibility of stupor
Severe motor impairment
Loss of consciousness
Memory blackout
BAC 0.300–0.399
Stupor
Central nervous system depression
Loss of understanding
Lapses in and out of consciousness
Low possibility of death
Bladder function
Breathing
Dysequilibrium
Heart rate
BAC 0.400–0.500
Severe central nervous system depression
Coma
Possibility of death
Breathing
Heart rate
Positional Alcohol Nystagmus
BA>0.50
High risk of poisoning
High possibility of death
Impairment: Life
I didn't say much when he told me he wasn't an alcoholic and the ER falsified his test. I did print out the chart and leave it, along with a copy of his ER discharge papers showing the .329 BAC, on the table for him to see. I wanted him to know, without any discussion with me, from an authoritative source, that he could have died that night.
The chart is much better visually to convey this information, but here it is in text form for your information.
ShootingStar1
Progressive effects of alcohol
BAC (% by vol.)(Blood Alcohol Content) Behavior Impairment
BAC 0.001–0.029
Average individual appears normal
Subtle effects that can be detected with special tests
BAC 0.030–0.059
Mild euphoria
Relaxation
Joyousness
Talkativeness
Decreased inhibition
Concentration
BAC 0.060–0.099
Blunted feelings
Reduced sensitivity to pain
Euphoria
Disinhibition
Extroversion
Reasoning
Depth perception
Peripheral vision
Glare recovery
BAC 0.100–0.199
Over-expression
Boisterousness
Possibility of nausea and vomiting
Reflexes
Reaction time
Gross motor control
Staggering
Slurred speech
Temporary erectile dysfunction
BAC 0.200–0.299
Nausea
Vomiting
Emotional swings
Anger or sadness
Partial loss of understanding
Impaired sensations
Decreased libido
Possibility of stupor
Severe motor impairment
Loss of consciousness
Memory blackout
BAC 0.300–0.399
Stupor
Central nervous system depression
Loss of understanding
Lapses in and out of consciousness
Low possibility of death
Bladder function
Breathing
Dysequilibrium
Heart rate
BAC 0.400–0.500
Severe central nervous system depression
Coma
Possibility of death
Breathing
Heart rate
Positional Alcohol Nystagmus
BA>0.50
High risk of poisoning
High possibility of death
Impairment: Life
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
It sounds like you've reached your limit Zircon.
It really is you that sets yourself free. It isn't anything your H does or doesn't do.
Like Lyssy, I've set a final boundary with my H that if he relapses one more time I'm done. He is sober, but it is really hard to rebuild a marriage with addiction.
It really is you that sets yourself free. It isn't anything your H does or doesn't do.
Like Lyssy, I've set a final boundary with my H that if he relapses one more time I'm done. He is sober, but it is really hard to rebuild a marriage with addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Thank You
Sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I appreciate everyone's caring, support, and advice. My brain feels like mush. It has so many thoughts and feeling!! I'm feeling anger, hurt, compassion for my ah, that this awful disease has taken control of his mind and body. I also feel I am feeling too many emotions right now to make a good decision for myself. I will make a plan, and take baby steps. I can tell you I have lost any hope that my ah will quit drinking.
My ah had no remorse that he spend the night in jail, and could have caused a tragic situation if something happened to the young man. He is angry with me for not asking him what it was like spending the night in jail. My ah feels I didn't support him!!! I told him I didn't need to pick him up. His response was all my friends would think I was awful if I didn't pick him up!!! Then told me the next time I have car trouble, don't call him!!!
Next, he started on the story the man that called me to tell me he was arrested and taken to jail. My ah stated I had lied about what that man told me!!!! He stated the man said he was belligerent to the police, not nasty as I had said. I could go on and on!!!!!! No remorse, just trying to blame me for everything.
I didn't do this!!!! Anyway you look at it HE spend the night in jail!!
It seems, the few friends he has thinks he's this hero. I went to our business on Wed., the man he has working there, that really isn't. We can't afford to pay anyone right now, but according to my ah, he's working for nothing!!! Well anyways, this man said hi, and how are you today?? I answered great, why wouldn't I be having a wonderful day!!! When my ah came home from work, he told me how nasty I was to his employee!!!
He has been rude to me, and again doesn't think he did anything wrong. The only person in his life who thinks it was wrong, I guess I'd me!!!
I know in my heart something awful is going to happen. With that level of arrogance, and denial!! It still doesn't make it hurt any less though.
For the past 3 nights, he has done nothing but belittle me, and bring up stuff about what happened to make me at fault.
I'm not sure if he's been drinking, hard to tell. Funny though, I put up 3 pictures in our bathroom last night, small room, and my ah didn't even notice!!!
I think my ah disease has progressed to a different level. I'm not sure I can stand the rudeness every night.
Yes my name is on the house and business. Right now since the business is new, my income is paying for all our bills. If I walk away, I can't afford a place for myself, and afford the house payment. He won't leave. My ah bought this home 4 yrs before he met me, but I've been paying for it for the last 12 yrs. I sold my house, and used the money for our bills.
I am trying to stay sane through this, but am feeling I'm the crazy one. I have choices, but do I really have any. How long does it take for this overwhelming emotions and feelings, and hurt go away so I can make a good decision.
Thank you for listening. It really helps!
My ah had no remorse that he spend the night in jail, and could have caused a tragic situation if something happened to the young man. He is angry with me for not asking him what it was like spending the night in jail. My ah feels I didn't support him!!! I told him I didn't need to pick him up. His response was all my friends would think I was awful if I didn't pick him up!!! Then told me the next time I have car trouble, don't call him!!!
Next, he started on the story the man that called me to tell me he was arrested and taken to jail. My ah stated I had lied about what that man told me!!!! He stated the man said he was belligerent to the police, not nasty as I had said. I could go on and on!!!!!! No remorse, just trying to blame me for everything.
I didn't do this!!!! Anyway you look at it HE spend the night in jail!!
It seems, the few friends he has thinks he's this hero. I went to our business on Wed., the man he has working there, that really isn't. We can't afford to pay anyone right now, but according to my ah, he's working for nothing!!! Well anyways, this man said hi, and how are you today?? I answered great, why wouldn't I be having a wonderful day!!! When my ah came home from work, he told me how nasty I was to his employee!!!
He has been rude to me, and again doesn't think he did anything wrong. The only person in his life who thinks it was wrong, I guess I'd me!!!
I know in my heart something awful is going to happen. With that level of arrogance, and denial!! It still doesn't make it hurt any less though.
For the past 3 nights, he has done nothing but belittle me, and bring up stuff about what happened to make me at fault.
I'm not sure if he's been drinking, hard to tell. Funny though, I put up 3 pictures in our bathroom last night, small room, and my ah didn't even notice!!!
I think my ah disease has progressed to a different level. I'm not sure I can stand the rudeness every night.
Yes my name is on the house and business. Right now since the business is new, my income is paying for all our bills. If I walk away, I can't afford a place for myself, and afford the house payment. He won't leave. My ah bought this home 4 yrs before he met me, but I've been paying for it for the last 12 yrs. I sold my house, and used the money for our bills.
I am trying to stay sane through this, but am feeling I'm the crazy one. I have choices, but do I really have any. How long does it take for this overwhelming emotions and feelings, and hurt go away so I can make a good decision.
Thank you for listening. It really helps!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Zircon, it may be a good idea for you to consult with a lawyer. Not to commit to any decisions right now but to at least really understand what your options are for your home and business so you can take the guesswork out of figuring out what you want to do.
I'm sorry your AH is behaving like a child in the aftermath of the tsunami of his own creation. If you can try to let go of expecting him to behave like a rational, responsible person, you can save yourself some heartache and frustration on that front.
I'm sorry your AH is behaving like a child in the aftermath of the tsunami of his own creation. If you can try to let go of expecting him to behave like a rational, responsible person, you can save yourself some heartache and frustration on that front.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
Funny you mention the AH hanging out with another drunk driving offender. Same here. The alkie/addict has jettisoned most of his longtime peer group in favor of those with similar behaviors and histories. New best friend now also has a history of duis & financial problems among other things.
He also has showed his temper to the public having no problem lecturing strangers on how things should be when drunk.
Good Luck, STAY SAFE
He also has showed his temper to the public having no problem lecturing strangers on how things should be when drunk.
Good Luck, STAY SAFE
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