What is this forum for?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
It strikes me having read through this long thread that everyone is saying the same thing which can be summarised as :
Glad you are back, keep posting!
Everyone here genuinely wants to help, support, guide etc
If things are sometime said clumsily or harshly "c'est la vie" we are not all top knotch writers, psys etc and we don't always have the time to sit and agonise over how we word everything but that does not mean we do not have your best interests at heart or that we do not care
Sometimes hearing things we don't want to hear, or are not ready to hear, can hurt and make us defensive and we need to ask ourselves honestly why we objected to a particular comment
At the end of the day it is OUR journey no one elses and only WE can decide what or whose comments we want to keep and use, put away for a rainy day, or disregard completely.
I say to the OP. You are hurting. Why don't we just end up this particular thread and move on to the things that are more important to you in your situation at the moment. Other wise this thread is going to go round in circles with an expression that the French have "Je t'aime, moi non plus".
We are all playing for the same side here.
Glad you are back, keep posting!
Everyone here genuinely wants to help, support, guide etc
If things are sometime said clumsily or harshly "c'est la vie" we are not all top knotch writers, psys etc and we don't always have the time to sit and agonise over how we word everything but that does not mean we do not have your best interests at heart or that we do not care
Sometimes hearing things we don't want to hear, or are not ready to hear, can hurt and make us defensive and we need to ask ourselves honestly why we objected to a particular comment
At the end of the day it is OUR journey no one elses and only WE can decide what or whose comments we want to keep and use, put away for a rainy day, or disregard completely.
I say to the OP. You are hurting. Why don't we just end up this particular thread and move on to the things that are more important to you in your situation at the moment. Other wise this thread is going to go round in circles with an expression that the French have "Je t'aime, moi non plus".
We are all playing for the same side here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
I've never had any issues with comments on this forum - it's a gentle place as said earlier. When I've been avoiding the truth about my addiction in times gone by and been called on it id be offended for 30 seconds then realise they were right. Hard to take when u lying to yourself though.
I've never once took the opinion on here someone had another agenda other than helping me.
Never had cause to think otherwise. Maybe if you have the mindset that people are on here to be malevolent you have the OP mindset. Though all replies seem good hearted to me.
I've never once took the opinion on here someone had another agenda other than helping me.
Never had cause to think otherwise. Maybe if you have the mindset that people are on here to be malevolent you have the OP mindset. Though all replies seem good hearted to me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
For me this form is about caring about, loving someone, concerned for someone who is/has alcoholism/addiction issues and those issues are affecting me and my life my happiness my peace and my serenity.
This form has been about me wanting the person I love to stop doing what it is they do that is making me feel so unhappy, unloved, alone and miserable.
This form has been the best learning experience I have come across that has helped me realize that I cannot control the addiction of another person to make MY life happier or more peaceful.
This form has been where I grew from fantasy rosy colored glass’s thinking to reality. A reality that I was not at first able to accept and fought that reality with anger and hostility towards those trying to help me see it.
The responses given are based on facts the poster shares, facts about being hurt emotionally and physically, becoming homeless and financial despair, being hungry and carless because of someone else’s addiction. People share about verbal abuse to where they feel unworthy, unloved and constantly lied to and manipulated. Responses are given to the poster for the posters best interest not for the best interest of the addict/alcoholic.
Much like the alcoholic/addict who refuses help and denies they have an issue often the loved ones mirror that denial, they hang on to unhealthy treatment, unhealthy living environments, financial ruin because they also are not ready to give it up and take control over their own lives toward their own happiness.
You can’t help anyone who is not willing to help themselves, no matter how gently or harsh you word things.
This form has been about me wanting the person I love to stop doing what it is they do that is making me feel so unhappy, unloved, alone and miserable.
This form has been the best learning experience I have come across that has helped me realize that I cannot control the addiction of another person to make MY life happier or more peaceful.
This form has been where I grew from fantasy rosy colored glass’s thinking to reality. A reality that I was not at first able to accept and fought that reality with anger and hostility towards those trying to help me see it.
The responses given are based on facts the poster shares, facts about being hurt emotionally and physically, becoming homeless and financial despair, being hungry and carless because of someone else’s addiction. People share about verbal abuse to where they feel unworthy, unloved and constantly lied to and manipulated. Responses are given to the poster for the posters best interest not for the best interest of the addict/alcoholic.
Much like the alcoholic/addict who refuses help and denies they have an issue often the loved ones mirror that denial, they hang on to unhealthy treatment, unhealthy living environments, financial ruin because they also are not ready to give it up and take control over their own lives toward their own happiness.
You can’t help anyone who is not willing to help themselves, no matter how gently or harsh you word things.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I vaguely recall a poster frustrated at seeing the posts suggesting that the SO of the alcoholic could leave. S/he was aghast- Don't' alcoholics deserve love and companionship, too?
Of course they do, but they won't always reciprocate. Even more important, in my never-to-be-humble opinion is the one truth, the BIG truth of knowing an alcoholic: You can't love someone into sobriety. You can want it for him, but you can't force him to want it, too.
That was the big take-away for me. I had to give up the arrogance, the privilege of assuming I could change or control someone else.
Of course they do, but they won't always reciprocate. Even more important, in my never-to-be-humble opinion is the one truth, the BIG truth of knowing an alcoholic: You can't love someone into sobriety. You can want it for him, but you can't force him to want it, too.
That was the big take-away for me. I had to give up the arrogance, the privilege of assuming I could change or control someone else.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
We don't tell someone what to do, we convey our own experience as codependents. What it was like, what we're doing in our own recovery. I think it's "take what you like, leave the rest behind." Great support here, especially for someone starting on the path.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Seems like a good day to bump this (wonderful) old post.
I've been sensing a lot of frustration on the forum lately (I could absolutely be wrong though)- it's easy to misconstrue conversations under the best of circumstances & most of us are NOT arriving at SR under the Best of Circumstances (talk about an understatement).
It's also easy for those of us farther along in this process to forget to slow down & remember just how many baby steps it took to get to where we are.
Recovery is a process where we can sometimes draw similarities but more often than not, we have to sift through all the available information & decide what works for our individual paths.
The key is keeping an open mind - if we already knew how to conquer all those demons we fight IRL we wouldn't be here in the first place, searching for comfort in the shared experiences of others who are engaged in similar struggles, right?
I've been sensing a lot of frustration on the forum lately (I could absolutely be wrong though)- it's easy to misconstrue conversations under the best of circumstances & most of us are NOT arriving at SR under the Best of Circumstances (talk about an understatement).
It's also easy for those of us farther along in this process to forget to slow down & remember just how many baby steps it took to get to where we are.
Recovery is a process where we can sometimes draw similarities but more often than not, we have to sift through all the available information & decide what works for our individual paths.
The key is keeping an open mind - if we already knew how to conquer all those demons we fight IRL we wouldn't be here in the first place, searching for comfort in the shared experiences of others who are engaged in similar struggles, right?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are so right FireSprite.
I originally came here as a place to lay it all out. At that point in my life, I was hiding the truth from about 99.9% of the people in my life. Now, I also thought some wise bird was going to be able to tell me how to fix my husband. Instead, I was told I could not fix him. That I needed help outside my marriage, and support outside my marriage. Well....that did not go over too well. I left the forum for a relatively long period of time.
It got worse, as it normally does as addiction is progressive. Low and behold, the seed had been planted that maybe, just maybe, I could only focus on myself, and what I could control. I came back in a different frame of mind, willing to listen. At that same time, I also obtained outside counseling and an outside recovery program. All tools in my toolbox.
Not once did anyone tell me to leave. It is just that I finally got strong enough to realize that this was not going to change, that the only person I could change is...you guessed it.....me.
There have been people here who are more blunt, that don't coddle. That's fine with me, I need truth, not coddling. However, there are also people who offer that sympathetic support we all need from time to time as well. It's a public forum, so no one is ever going to agree with everyone else.
I know that what I am looking for is opinions from those I trust, and I have been here long enough to trust many of you fine friends. I am also here to support others in the hopes that they know there is someone from the same type walk of life who understand, that you are not alone. Addiction isolates, many times both the addict and the families/friends of the addict. It's a lonely walk, and people never, ever, should have to do it alone.
I always keep in mind the thought to take what helps and leave the rest.
Thought provoking....thanks for the bump.
I originally came here as a place to lay it all out. At that point in my life, I was hiding the truth from about 99.9% of the people in my life. Now, I also thought some wise bird was going to be able to tell me how to fix my husband. Instead, I was told I could not fix him. That I needed help outside my marriage, and support outside my marriage. Well....that did not go over too well. I left the forum for a relatively long period of time.
It got worse, as it normally does as addiction is progressive. Low and behold, the seed had been planted that maybe, just maybe, I could only focus on myself, and what I could control. I came back in a different frame of mind, willing to listen. At that same time, I also obtained outside counseling and an outside recovery program. All tools in my toolbox.
Not once did anyone tell me to leave. It is just that I finally got strong enough to realize that this was not going to change, that the only person I could change is...you guessed it.....me.
There have been people here who are more blunt, that don't coddle. That's fine with me, I need truth, not coddling. However, there are also people who offer that sympathetic support we all need from time to time as well. It's a public forum, so no one is ever going to agree with everyone else.
I know that what I am looking for is opinions from those I trust, and I have been here long enough to trust many of you fine friends. I am also here to support others in the hopes that they know there is someone from the same type walk of life who understand, that you are not alone. Addiction isolates, many times both the addict and the families/friends of the addict. It's a lonely walk, and people never, ever, should have to do it alone.
I always keep in mind the thought to take what helps and leave the rest.
Thought provoking....thanks for the bump.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Since people have wisely bumped this thread, I'd like to add another possibility to the existing thoughtful answers to the OP.
It seems to me, from my recent experience in court with STBXAH, that the information and knowledge shared here would benefit others outside of these boards. I'm not sure how that might be done, but there is such a convergence of wisdom derived from so many different, and yet similar, experiences. Occasionally people have tried to distill those common themes and patterns. Oh my goodness--if this knowledge could just get shared to the wider public, it seems like it could really help in everything from personal lives to the judicial and legal systems. (Specific example: I am almost 100% confident that the judge who ruled on my case dealing with sobriety monitoring to protect children has almost no idea about alcoholism.)
It seems to me, from my recent experience in court with STBXAH, that the information and knowledge shared here would benefit others outside of these boards. I'm not sure how that might be done, but there is such a convergence of wisdom derived from so many different, and yet similar, experiences. Occasionally people have tried to distill those common themes and patterns. Oh my goodness--if this knowledge could just get shared to the wider public, it seems like it could really help in everything from personal lives to the judicial and legal systems. (Specific example: I am almost 100% confident that the judge who ruled on my case dealing with sobriety monitoring to protect children has almost no idea about alcoholism.)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
Alcoholics seeking help and advice in early recovery often feel like this on SR - I know some posters' words stung - but really, I was drowning and getting mad at the tone of voice some posters used when they were telling me to grab the life preserver they were tossing toward me. 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
We try to get the poster to put the emphasis on what they want out of life. To focus on their needs and any children that might be in the equation. So many hurting people arrive here wanting to be able to fix their addicted partners and get upset when we point out the truth that they can't. Asking people to focus on themselves and supporting them in doing that empowers them to make decisions about what they want and set their own boundaries.
Sometimes the situation is so bad and has been on a rinse and repeat cycle for years that we do advise people to step out of the situation to re assess. No sane person would think it OK for someone being raped for instance should stay. I make no apology for not sugar coating how it is with an active and sometimes abusive addict. People do not have to do anything suggested. We support, we are kind and we try to help. We do this cos we care. I am OK cos of the support of people here. ( since 2009 with different username) I've no need to log in but I do cos people here helped me. Sometimes I didn't want to hear to but it turned out to be true. No liking the truth doesn't make it any less so. I wanted to give back.
Sometimes the situation is so bad and has been on a rinse and repeat cycle for years that we do advise people to step out of the situation to re assess. No sane person would think it OK for someone being raped for instance should stay. I make no apology for not sugar coating how it is with an active and sometimes abusive addict. People do not have to do anything suggested. We support, we are kind and we try to help. We do this cos we care. I am OK cos of the support of people here. ( since 2009 with different username) I've no need to log in but I do cos people here helped me. Sometimes I didn't want to hear to but it turned out to be true. No liking the truth doesn't make it any less so. I wanted to give back.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Originally Posted by sauerkraut 
Since people have wisely bumped this thread, I'd like to add another possibility to the existing thoughtful answers to the OP.
It seems to me, from my recent experience in court with STBXAH, that the information and knowledge shared here would benefit others outside of these boards. I'm not sure how that might be done, but there is such a convergence of wisdom derived from so many different, and yet similar, experiences. Occasionally people have tried to distill those common themes and patterns. Oh my goodness--if this knowledge could just get shared to the wider public, it seems like it could really help in everything from personal lives to the judicial and legal systems. (Specific example: I am almost 100% confident that the judge who ruled on my case dealing with sobriety monitoring to protect children has almost no idea about alcoholism.)
It seems to me, from my recent experience in court with STBXAH, that the information and knowledge shared here would benefit others outside of these boards. I'm not sure how that might be done, but there is such a convergence of wisdom derived from so many different, and yet similar, experiences. Occasionally people have tried to distill those common themes and patterns. Oh my goodness--if this knowledge could just get shared to the wider public, it seems like it could really help in everything from personal lives to the judicial and legal systems. (Specific example: I am almost 100% confident that the judge who ruled on my case dealing with sobriety monitoring to protect children has almost no idea about alcoholism.)
I get what you are saying, and I agree it may help others, but for myself, I have to say, that would shut down my posts all together. The risk is too high, many here are in abuse situations be it physical, emotional, or both, and need it to be a small community they can trust to put their life situations into and trust it won't be put out for the whole world to see.
Just my two cents for what it's worth.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I have to say for myself, I would stop posting here if it were made more public than it already is.
Yes me too. I've been her a long time too and have a very distinctive history that is easy to know who I am. My family read my old username posts here and used it against me. I was only trying to get a handle on things but felt judged by them and one member of my family took to answering my posts here in person in a very nasty manner.
Yes me too. I've been her a long time too and have a very distinctive history that is easy to know who I am. My family read my old username posts here and used it against me. I was only trying to get a handle on things but felt judged by them and one member of my family took to answering my posts here in person in a very nasty manner.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I agree that the information contained inside these "walls" is invaluable, but that anonymity must be maintained. Too many are dealing with abuse or heated custody battles.
A while back I started my own version of this - journaling lists of catch phrases & tools learned at here at SR, along with quotes from members that really struck home for me. I have a Recovery Journal for this very reason - initially it's a fantastic way to purge my thoughts & try to find some sense in it but it also acts as a sort of personal recovery bible. If/when things ever go south & I start forgetting my tools, I only have to open the book to retrace many of my steps.
I'm SO far from done.
A while back I started my own version of this - journaling lists of catch phrases & tools learned at here at SR, along with quotes from members that really struck home for me. I have a Recovery Journal for this very reason - initially it's a fantastic way to purge my thoughts & try to find some sense in it but it also acts as a sort of personal recovery bible. If/when things ever go south & I start forgetting my tools, I only have to open the book to retrace many of my steps.
I'm SO far from done.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
I don't post over on this side of the fence too often (and that is a joke in case it didn't come across that way), but this struck a chord with me and I know it is an old post.
This can be a touchy subject and there is so much emotion involved in recovery circles and so many people at different points on their journey. In my recovery (over 5 years sober from alcohol, cocaine, pain killers, heroin, etc., etc.) one of the greatest qualities that I strive for is Humility. Trust me I strive and fail at it quite regularly.
For me humility is what opens the door to understanding and growth and can be a spiritual experience in and of itself. Ego can be a very dangerous thing. Ego does not always mean feeling superior to others (more than) it also means feeling inferior (less than). Those two extremes create the exact same uneasiness in my heart. I always remind myself that I am no better than or no less than anyone else here or in a meeting or any other human being on the planet for that matter.
In my 7 years on this site and thousands of meetings I have learned so much about myself. I really don't post all that much for how long I have been here. I can tell you I probably write one post for every 50 I consider writing. I do my best to come from a place of compassion and humility because I have been in the very place that every person who comes here has been. It was an extremely hopeless place.
I often read a post and my ego immediately wants to start judging that person. Maybe how wrong they are OR I think back to when I was in that same place and want to tell them what to do and how to do it. This same thing happens in AA or NA meetings at times when people share or everyday life whether I am driving in my car or talking to someone at work. Then I instinctively feel the need to express that opinion. I want to reach out and shake the person and say wake up OR hey I am throwing you a dam life preserver grab it already!!! I often get frustrated with myself not for what I say, but how I say it. Then there are times I am frustrated for what I say AND how I say it. I let my ego get the best of me. This does not mean burying my head in the sand or ignoring the elephant in the room, but again for me coming from a place of humility and compassion is key.
My wife likes to point out how from time to time I try to motivate people using negativity (which is much different than tough love as they call it). Being honest and being firm is vital to recovery, but there are times I cross the line and the line is not always easy to see and can be different for different people depending on where they are at.
A pause between the thought/feeling and the action is an invaluable tool in recovery and life in general. I often ask myself – Does it need to be said? – Does it need to be said now? – Does is need to be said by me? If the answer is yes hopefully it comes from a place of humility and understanding and compassion.
Anyway not sure if that made any sense at all, but that is my take from this side of the computer. I definitely think everyone means well and has different styles and experience to offer. We are all in this thing together and it is a great support community! Take Care Everyone!!!
This can be a touchy subject and there is so much emotion involved in recovery circles and so many people at different points on their journey. In my recovery (over 5 years sober from alcohol, cocaine, pain killers, heroin, etc., etc.) one of the greatest qualities that I strive for is Humility. Trust me I strive and fail at it quite regularly.
For me humility is what opens the door to understanding and growth and can be a spiritual experience in and of itself. Ego can be a very dangerous thing. Ego does not always mean feeling superior to others (more than) it also means feeling inferior (less than). Those two extremes create the exact same uneasiness in my heart. I always remind myself that I am no better than or no less than anyone else here or in a meeting or any other human being on the planet for that matter.
In my 7 years on this site and thousands of meetings I have learned so much about myself. I really don't post all that much for how long I have been here. I can tell you I probably write one post for every 50 I consider writing. I do my best to come from a place of compassion and humility because I have been in the very place that every person who comes here has been. It was an extremely hopeless place.
I often read a post and my ego immediately wants to start judging that person. Maybe how wrong they are OR I think back to when I was in that same place and want to tell them what to do and how to do it. This same thing happens in AA or NA meetings at times when people share or everyday life whether I am driving in my car or talking to someone at work. Then I instinctively feel the need to express that opinion. I want to reach out and shake the person and say wake up OR hey I am throwing you a dam life preserver grab it already!!! I often get frustrated with myself not for what I say, but how I say it. Then there are times I am frustrated for what I say AND how I say it. I let my ego get the best of me. This does not mean burying my head in the sand or ignoring the elephant in the room, but again for me coming from a place of humility and compassion is key.
My wife likes to point out how from time to time I try to motivate people using negativity (which is much different than tough love as they call it). Being honest and being firm is vital to recovery, but there are times I cross the line and the line is not always easy to see and can be different for different people depending on where they are at.
A pause between the thought/feeling and the action is an invaluable tool in recovery and life in general. I often ask myself – Does it need to be said? – Does it need to be said now? – Does is need to be said by me? If the answer is yes hopefully it comes from a place of humility and understanding and compassion.
Anyway not sure if that made any sense at all, but that is my take from this side of the computer. I definitely think everyone means well and has different styles and experience to offer. We are all in this thing together and it is a great support community! Take Care Everyone!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
To clarify, I agree with and share the sacrosanct need for privacy, and I would never suggest violating that. I was just wishing out loud that the experience and knowledge shared here could benefit institutions and people beyond SR.
(Anyone who is also a member of Pantsuit Nation on FB will recognize a similar debate that recently took place there.)
(Anyone who is also a member of Pantsuit Nation on FB will recognize a similar debate that recently took place there.)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I've been here for several years, and I come here for a reality check. It's so hard to lift ourselves out of the fog when you're in the thick of an alcoholic relationship. I have not yet left my AH, and I do admit sometimes I'm reluctant to post because I project the thoughts and opinions of others, but that doesn't meant that my projections are reality. I truly feel people want the best for me. Sometimes that reality check stings, but it's necessary nonetheless. I have learned so much from the experiences and insights and wisdom of others. I don't feel I need to live up to any preconceived notion of what I "should" do, but I know that for myself, when I read the posts of some new people, I have to admit to thinking "That person deserves a whole hell of a lot more than she/he's getting." If that's being judgmental, mea culpa.
It's funny, because that's exactly where my projections in reverse would come in handy.. i.e., I deserve more than I'm getting. So I keep coming back until it sinks in.
It's funny, because that's exactly where my projections in reverse would come in handy.. i.e., I deserve more than I'm getting. So I keep coming back until it sinks in.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Rupert ID
Posts: 469
SR has been a godsend for me. I am a recluse bordering on real agoraphobia and I have some physical limitations due to my congestive heart failure, so things like AA just wasn't a good fit for me and yet I really, really needed a daily resource to help me in my sobriety. I needed to find connection on a daily basis, 24/7 if need be, with people walking in my shoes. SR has been that, and even though I have not been here for very long, and I have found it to be very friendly and welcoming. As far as those complaints go, in the world of online forums, SR is the most well-mannered, least BS, and most helpful site I have ever been on. My heartfelt thanks to all the people who make this place work! 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
The point of this forum is support. I think most of us found ourselves here because deep down we knew things weren't right and we needed that validation that we were correct. In my family the women are either massively codependent or jaded and miserable so i have zero support. I needed the wise input of people on here. I needed to hear I deserved better. Yes some are more straight forward and brash, but that's because few of us have/will have happy endings. I think if you feel unsupported it's because you want different support maybe? I appreciate the honesty, but it's what I needed.
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