FireSprite

Ok. So, if I respond to a post with zero intent to offend, am not (in my opinion) rude or disguising advice as a share..... but the OP still takes offense at my words..... how is that my fault? How is that me assigning blame to them? Isn't that THEM assuming that I'm blaming?..... which would likely be driven from internal judgment? Nothing at all to do with my actual words OR intent?

If someone is leaving over a single post on an open forum like this, they weren't going to stay for any reason, IMO. Definitely not for the right reasons, anyway. Maybe they aren't ready, maybe they never will be, maybe they'll lurk for another year & then come back stronger for it.

sg1970

The support on this forum is unmatched regardless of which side you are on.

fluffyflea

It's no ones intention on this forum to hurt,blame or offend anyone.

AnvilheadII

i think it is far better to take the time and respond to those in need, to the best of one's ability, then to lecture others in how they should post while not bothering to reply to a single other thread.

Fabat50

I have read your post a couple of times and to be honest I don't really understand what you are saying or asking. What I would like to say as a newbie here is that this is by far the friendliest, most sensible and constructive forum I have ever been a member of.
On any forum you are always going to get "good advice or vibes" as well as the occasional "dubious" comments or advice from members. But it is up to us as members to do our best to reflect on peoples views, and filter out the helpful from the unhelpful and keep what we believe to be of use to us.

tomsteve

im on both sides of the fence- both a recovering alcoholic and codie.
if it werent for the people telling me straight up my problems and straight up telling me what to do i wouldnt have gotten anywhere. the message with depth a d weight was( and is) whats needed to get through to me.
how do i know when ive heard something i needed to hear?
it pi**ed me right off because it was the truth.

and those people that used their crowbars on me?
saved me from added gloom,dispair, and agony.

CodeJob

Part of my recovery was looking at what I wrote on SR. I've had to admit, I've written some advice in my day. Most of the time now I try to recommend books, counseling and Al Anon. Those are solid tools to help an individual find their own way, if they are willing.

I have used SR to hold a lot of my ESH. My 12 steps are summarized here. A lot of the books and resources I used to work on me I've written about here from a personal perspective and I continue to suggest to new SR members that post.

This is my Step 12. I try to reach out here.

ladyscribbler

I've certainly given advice on here. Although to be fair, newcomers will often head a post with "New here, advice please" or something similar.
I know that I used to hope someone would come along and just TELL me how to make my ex get sober, or at least want to. That was how I first found SR actually. I googled- "How to make someone stop drinking" and this site popped up. I was encouraged by the name and clicked on the link, only to be devastated by the truth. I wasn't ready to hear it. I wanted to stay wrapped in my little security blanket of denial and terminal uniqueness. It wasn't that bad. We were different.
It was probably two more years before I returned. In that two years the steady downward spiral had become a racing whirlwind of destruction and I was finally ready to admit that I had hit my personal bottom and was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable.
Even when I slip and give advice, I try to stick to subjects where I have personal experience. Spouse in rehab or just returned or has 6 months sobriety- I usually leave those alone. Ones about children or involving abuse or asking whether someone should cohabit with an active alcoholic are where I tend to contribute.
Your last thread kind of triggered me because I was in such a similar situation. My ex had bought a house outright and I lived there rent free. Of course there are more kinds of obligations than just financial, and living with an active alcoholic on their home turf is not something I could recommend.
I'm sorry if you felt disrespected or like I was giving advice.

PHIZ007

I am sorry you are hurting.

Great advice in all the posts above.

Just wanted to add that what anyone else thinks of me is none of my business.

My recovery is just that MY recovery......it's my business.

When I post here on this public forum I have found strength and hope in every response.

Possibly I don't always agree with the response, however the poster has given me their very own true life angle of whatever it may be. I take what I want and leave the rest, and that's ok.

Not everyone in life will see it your way.....and I am so damn thankful for that.

Picture a tower with six Windows.....you look out one.....I look out another....and four other people look out the other four Windows. we all see a different view, whether we like it is not...this is how we see it.

I have learnt so much from others experience here on SR.

And for now I am totally comfortable where I am at.

Over the years this forum has kept and keeps me sane along with Al Anon and working in my own recovery.

Only I know what works best for me.

I wish you all the very best with your journey.

Take care of YOU first and foremost. The rest will follow.....Phiz

MIRecovery

It is always easier and a lot more fun to look outward than it is to look inward which is where the real problems are. When I accepted the world as it was instead of trying to get it conform to my expectations life became so much better.

I'm sure SR will carry on helping countless people regardless of me or my opinions

Thomas45

Here's my $0.02. I can't speak for others, but I'll certainly speak for myself. I look at new threads on a case by case basis and the advice that I give out (if I give advice rather than just empathy) comes from a position of "what would I do if I were in their shoes, knowing what I know now and being a person who has worked hard to build a healthy level of self respect?"

Part of the problem in this topic is that most new people come to the forum asking "what can I do to force my alcoholic partner to be the good person they used to be?" and invariably the answer that comes back to them is some form of "nothing, but you do need to be taking care of yourself and focusing on your own well-being because that IS what you have power over." Yes, that is unsolicited advice, but it is also the message that they need to hear more often than not because they are driving themselves near to insanity in their efforts to force their partners to be healthy, emotionally sound individuals.

In the past, I have given out advice such as, "alcoholism is progressive," "if he doesn't recognize that his drinking is negatively affecting his life then his behavior will continue or get worse rather than better," and various other pieces of information that were unsolicited. Why? Because I wish someone had told me those things when I was in my own relationship with an emotionally abusive, manipulative alcoholic. Hearing those things doesn't mean I would have left her immediately at the advice of this forum, but I would have been better mentally prepared to deal with the worst when it came.

In the long run, if someone posts that they're being physically abused by their partner, or that their partner is physically abusing their children, I will always give the unsolicited advice that they need to leave that partner for their own safety and the safety of their children. Every time. There is never a reason for domestic violence to be acceptable, and it should be a deal-breaker in any self-respecting person's brain.

In the long run, if someone posts that they're being mentally abused by their partner, I will always give the unsolicited advice that they can expect the abuse to continue unless their partner makes real efforts towards recovery, or they decide that they've had enough and leave the relationship.

In the long run, if someone posts that their partner is engaging in infidelity, I will always encourage them to tell themselves that infidelity is unacceptable and shows a serious lack of regard for their feelings on their partner's part.

In many of the posts that involve the above scenarios, these people feel guilty about harboring thoughts of leaving, as though they would be terrible people for abandoning the very people who have abused them to the point that they have no self esteem left. Every time I've seen someone suggest that a poster would be better off without their partner, it has been done with the intent of telling that poster that it is perfectly okay to have a sense of self respect and self esteem, and that they are not required to endure continued abuse.

That all said, I'm only one voice in a sea of responses to new posters. What makes this forum great is that there are all kinds of different people who contribute from widely different points of view, which creates a wide assortment of insights. For every jaded post, there are a plethora of moderate posters who give out impartial, unbiased advice. Sometimes advice will be blunt and brutally honest, and sometimes it will be flowery and cautious.

Liveitwell

^^ well said.

maia1234

S- I find it very interesting that out of the first 11 responses to you, you find Refiners comment and jump on it. From my opinion you are extremely defensive and I am sure you will get defensive at my comments. But 11 people gave you wonderful comments and suggestions and you took the one "objective" comment. Life is truly not a bed of roses, for either being an alcoholic and or loving one. So to expect the warm and fuzzy answers all the time is just not going to happen, as this is life and our A's are dying from this horrible disease.

When I first went to Alanon, I too, like Ladyscribbler said, I was looking for that one piece of paper that said "how do i get my alcoholic sober and live happily ever after" ? People that have the happily ever after, are not on this type of forum. These women and men here have had to work very hard on them selves, from both sides, to find peace, serenity and happiness. It was never handed to any of us.

These walls can be tough, but they are the only ones that kicked my butt after living with my XAH for 34 years. They told me how it was going to be and you know what, I believed them. They were at the time, my "higher Power". I trusted them and they guided me through what I needed at the time. I will be forever grateful to these men and women on both sides of this forum for their love and support. I could never have done it with out them, as I did not like who I had become, and they gave me my "life" back!! So that is why I come back, to help me and anyone else who is "lost" and looking for support.

I appreciate you giving this forum another try. I think that you might try and work on getting a little "thicker" skin, as dealing with an addict, these people are nothing compared to them.

Hugs my friend, I hope you keep coming back!!

redatlanta

Some people are blunt some are not. Part of being in this situation is putting on your big girl/boy panties and facing up to a situation that many people prefer to deny. A lot of times people just want others to agree with them you realize that right? Then they don't "have' to do anything (even though deep down they know they do its why they are here).

There is a difference between being blunt and being rude which wouldn't be acceptable. There is no moderating the method by which people here express themselves.

Kimmieh

This almost sounds like you have to earn the right to raise concern. I think she has a point in that sometimes people come across as angry and annoyed ("why in the world are you still doing this? Shouldn't you know better by now? Well fine, live in constant misery." - that sort of thing) when responding and depending on where you are on your journey, that can be intimidating and threatening. I also think that it was good for me, personally, to learn to focus on what helps me and disregard the rest, but it's a process.

I have always preferred when people share their experiences with me rather than telling me that what I do is inconceivable and I need to get my act together.

Responses like that have made me upset when I felt fragile, sometimes to the point of tears. Thankfully this did not happen often and the helpful posts by far outweighed upsetting ones. But I do agree that for all good intentions, sometimes there is an aggressive undertone that might not be helpful.

Different types of support for different people. To the OP I would say focus on what helps you. In all cases, people respond because they care.

amy55

I would like to say that sometimes when I read a post, I do try to get into their mindset. If the poster is questioning to leave or not, I think that they have already been through enough, and they are questioning to leave, but feel like they need permission to do that.

I was in an abusive relationship. It is hard to leave those. Most have been so beaten down, that they can't even thing straight anymore. Unless physical abuse is stated, I do not tell someone to run, to run as fast as they can to the nearest exit door. To me, that would be losing someone who does really need help, because most likely they already isolated themselves so much, and if they came here, well, they just needed a friend to talk to, to help them get their self esteem back.

I was one of those people. I had gotten so bad, that I did consider suicide. Actually was admitted to a hospital for this, and spent 6 weeks in acute out patient treatment for it.

I think that I am actually very attuned to how people may be feeling. I think it is very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. I know that I was.

When I first started going on forums, I would read other stories, and see other people moving on, and I was still stuck. I became embarrassed to post anymore. I still read, and that is what helped me to get to where I am now.

I do hope that I can just be a friend to someone who is going through this, so that they know they are special. Just a little boost to their self esteem and self confidence. I know that is what I needed, and I did receive that.

I stay here to "pay it forward", and also there are still many times that I don't know what I am doing and I do truly appreciate that I can post here and hear other opinions on things.

No matter what, SR f & f is the only place that I trust. I also thank you for allowing me to be a member here.

The people here can never be replaced. I have the deepest regard and respect for everyone here.

amy

CarryThatWeight

My experience was that when I came here, posting about my then boyfriend and some questions I had about his behavior, I received a lot of opinions that were not what I wanted to hear. As was said, what we want to hear isn't what we need to hear. I was advised to step back from or end the relationship. Posters took time from their day to point out red flags in this man, behaviors that I shouldn't accept, and objective observations about me based on my posts. I chose not to heed this advice and I married him. A year later, he is proceeding with divorce.

Do I wish I had taken the advice given? Yes and no. You know, living with an alcoholic can be crazy making, even if they're sober. Sometimes you get so far in and your self esteem is down to nothing that you don't even know which way is up, let alone what the truth is. You believe all the things he says about you and the names he called you, and that you deserved the terrible things he did. Then, you come back here, look at your past posts and the responses, read where these caring people said "this doesn't sound right"... And you are validated. You begin to realize that no, it wasn't ALL your fault like he said, that others who are more objective can see what you couldn't. That maybe you did marry a narcissist. That maybe you tried your absolute best to make it work, and that no matter what you did, it was never going to be enough for him. They have also helped me see that yes, I am codependent, and I have a lot of work to do, but that I am not a bad person and my husband certainly has issues that are not my fault. It has helped me tremendously to be able to draw the line between my side of the street and his.

All because some people on a forum "told me to leave" (but NO one blamed me or shamed me because I didn't).

GnikNus

I'm not sure what exchange caused you to feel this way, but I have yet to read a post with anything other than comments of support and understanding from the members on this forum. Could it possibly have been a misunderstanding or misinterpretation?

cynical one

I've always found that on online forums there is always a mixture between those who are more direct and those who respond more gently. So you end up with a nice balance.

A wonderful option that SR offers is >. I have no control over how others post. However, I certainly have control over whose posts I read or respond to, so I use it very generously. I don't want to hurt someones feelings with my more direct way of posting. And, it's impossible to remember everyone's stories and if they prefer more direct or gentler responses. So, for me when I see that someone prefers a gentle approach, by putting them on ignore it's a valuable reminder to not respond to them.

Also, keep in mind that if we didn't care about our fellow travelers, we wouldn't be here.

fluffyflea

Being co-dependent if I'm not careful I can read shame,blame and offend into just about anything someone says to me because of MY shame,blame and offend state towards MYSELF if that makes any sense.