I have to start somewhere.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 91
I have to start somewhere.
It's ridiculous how much bravery it requires for me to begin posting here. Why should it be so hard?
My story is so long, as I'm sure they all are.
The short version is that I spent the first 14 years of my life watching my alcoholic father abuse my mother and then drink himself to death.
The next 13 years in a marriage meant to give me a "normal" family of my own. And it did. But that ended and he eventually became an alcoholic, now recovered. (Recovering? Sorry. It'll take me some time to grasp the language) We remain good friends.
And now the past 18 years with an active alcoholic husband.
Something happened last weekend. It wasn't anything new or particularly noteworthy, but a feeling of ENOUGH came over me.
Enough letting his alcoholism turn me into a miserable, raging bi$ch. I am not who I want to be.
I went to the Alanon website and listened to all the podcasts. Just that made me feel a little better. I feel it's possible to be a happy person again. I looked for a meeting to attend. I live in a large city and expected to find lots of options. But I could only find one daytime, week day meeting, for several days later. I made up my mind I would go. And those days went by fairly well. Just the promise of some help, and the podcasts I had listened to made a difference in my daily life.
That day came and I drove across town to get there, drove into the parking lot, and then left. So much fear rose up in me! And I don't even know why.
I won't be able to get to the next two meetings because my kids will be home from school. And then I'm not sure I'll have the courage to go in when I do make it to one.
Right now, I'm not telling anyone that I'm planning to go. Certainly other people in my life know that my husband is an alcoholic. But no one talks about it at all. I'm afraid of saying it out loud. I'm afraid of his reaction if he discovers that I'm seeking my own recovery.
I don't know what else to say right now.
I Will say thank you for sharing all of your experiences here. I have been reading this forum for a few days but only registered today.
My story is so long, as I'm sure they all are.
The short version is that I spent the first 14 years of my life watching my alcoholic father abuse my mother and then drink himself to death.
The next 13 years in a marriage meant to give me a "normal" family of my own. And it did. But that ended and he eventually became an alcoholic, now recovered. (Recovering? Sorry. It'll take me some time to grasp the language) We remain good friends.
And now the past 18 years with an active alcoholic husband.
Something happened last weekend. It wasn't anything new or particularly noteworthy, but a feeling of ENOUGH came over me.
Enough letting his alcoholism turn me into a miserable, raging bi$ch. I am not who I want to be.
I went to the Alanon website and listened to all the podcasts. Just that made me feel a little better. I feel it's possible to be a happy person again. I looked for a meeting to attend. I live in a large city and expected to find lots of options. But I could only find one daytime, week day meeting, for several days later. I made up my mind I would go. And those days went by fairly well. Just the promise of some help, and the podcasts I had listened to made a difference in my daily life.
That day came and I drove across town to get there, drove into the parking lot, and then left. So much fear rose up in me! And I don't even know why.
I won't be able to get to the next two meetings because my kids will be home from school. And then I'm not sure I'll have the courage to go in when I do make it to one.
Right now, I'm not telling anyone that I'm planning to go. Certainly other people in my life know that my husband is an alcoholic. But no one talks about it at all. I'm afraid of saying it out loud. I'm afraid of his reaction if he discovers that I'm seeking my own recovery.
I don't know what else to say right now.
I Will say thank you for sharing all of your experiences here. I have been reading this forum for a few days but only registered today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, THippy, and welcome to SR. I'm glad you decided to join in after reading for a while. There's a lot to be learned and a lot of soul-searching to be done when we finally decide to confront the effect alcoholism has had on our lives, and both SR and Alanon are good places to find help w/that.
You are certainly not the first person to get as far as the parking lot of a meeting and then bolt, and you won't be the last. I would urge you to try again--the sense of relief I felt when I went was really wonderful. And also be aware that different meetings can have very different flavors--if one doesn't seem to be a good fit, another may work out fine. Also, depending on your kids' ages, you might be able to find a meeting that has Alateen or Alakids going on at the same time--if they're really young, many Alanon meetings offer child care for a nominal fee of a dollar or two.
In your further readings here at SR, make sure to check out the stickied threads at the top of the page, if you haven't already. They have a ton of useful and inspirational stuff in them.
When you say you're afraid of his reaction when he finds you are seeking your own recovery, are you talking about fear of actual physical violence? If so, please look up some of the threads here about domestic violence and resources to help you.
Again, glad you decided to come out of hiding and speak up. We've all walked in your shoes. Glad to have your voice join the others here.
You are certainly not the first person to get as far as the parking lot of a meeting and then bolt, and you won't be the last. I would urge you to try again--the sense of relief I felt when I went was really wonderful. And also be aware that different meetings can have very different flavors--if one doesn't seem to be a good fit, another may work out fine. Also, depending on your kids' ages, you might be able to find a meeting that has Alateen or Alakids going on at the same time--if they're really young, many Alanon meetings offer child care for a nominal fee of a dollar or two.
In your further readings here at SR, make sure to check out the stickied threads at the top of the page, if you haven't already. They have a ton of useful and inspirational stuff in them.
When you say you're afraid of his reaction when he finds you are seeking your own recovery, are you talking about fear of actual physical violence? If so, please look up some of the threads here about domestic violence and resources to help you.
Again, glad you decided to come out of hiding and speak up. We've all walked in your shoes. Glad to have your voice join the others here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 91
Thank you for the welcome.
There is no fear of violence. I feel lucky that way but it's also most likely part of the reason that I was willing to accept this for so long. I mean, at least he doesn't hit me like my father hit my mother. KWIM? I know that is an unhealthy point of view.
There is no fear of violence. I feel lucky that way but it's also most likely part of the reason that I was willing to accept this for so long. I mean, at least he doesn't hit me like my father hit my mother. KWIM? I know that is an unhealthy point of view.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 91
Why am afraid of his reaction?
Because he's a very private person. He will be unhappy that I am talking about him to strangers.
I haven't decided if I'll stay or go but I know that I'll be here for the foreseeable future because I am financially dependent on him. He and I are working on a financial plan that makes sneeze for me whether I ultimately decide to stay or go. But I have to try to find a way to be happier while I'm here.
Bear with me. My thoughts are flying around haphazardly so my first few posts might look that way too.
Because he's a very private person. He will be unhappy that I am talking about him to strangers.
I haven't decided if I'll stay or go but I know that I'll be here for the foreseeable future because I am financially dependent on him. He and I are working on a financial plan that makes sneeze for me whether I ultimately decide to stay or go. But I have to try to find a way to be happier while I'm here.
Bear with me. My thoughts are flying around haphazardly so my first few posts might look that way too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Because he's a very private person. He will be unhappy that I am talking about him to strangers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by honeypig 
But you know that it's not about him, right? In fact, in Alanon you will do very little "talking about him" and a whole lot more talking about yourself. Your recovery is about how things affect you and how you see and deal with the world. Any complaints he may have about you "talking about him to strangers" are pretty much unfounded.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I can't even imagine how I would discuss my struggle without talking about him.
This quote is from a wise SR member some time ago: Recovery is being asked to give up everything you know to get something better that you don't understand yet.
And it's so, so true.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Maybe try and see if there are any beginner meetings or podcasts. In the beginning it was like learning a foreign language and not knowing what those words actually meant. Detachment, hire power, steps, slogans…………lots of things with good meanings yet at times hard to take it all in.
I can remember my first meeting and several after where I left feeling like it was not for me but I allowed myself to remain open minded and keep going.
At one of my earlier meetings I heard someone share this…….if you don’t attend meetings you might not hear something you needed to hear. That stuck with me and I have to say at every meeting I attend I do hear something that helps me in one way or another.
I like the book "Courage to Change" the daily readings are helpful a good learning opportunity and good reminders. I think you can order it on Amazon.
I can remember my first meeting and several after where I left feeling like it was not for me but I allowed myself to remain open minded and keep going.
At one of my earlier meetings I heard someone share this…….if you don’t attend meetings you might not hear something you needed to hear. That stuck with me and I have to say at every meeting I attend I do hear something that helps me in one way or another.
I like the book "Courage to Change" the daily readings are helpful a good learning opportunity and good reminders. I think you can order it on Amazon.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TH-
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of your stories are a lot like our stories. You will find a lot of support as pretty much everything you probably have gone through some one here already had.
You will understand that your AH is addicted to alcohol but us co dependents become addicted to them. It consumes us, day and night. In alanon it teaches us how to take care of our selves, how to set up boundaries, how to make right choices and not lose our cool. Just like what Honeypig said, you will change and he will see your change.
When you make the little changes, your life calms down. Things somewhat fall into place, it becomes clearer on what you want in life. They say in alanon not to make any big decisions the first 6 months, as you are not thinking very clearly right now.
Read the stickies up top for friends and family. Go to the alcoholic and the new to recovery forums and read about the struggles the addicts face. These heartless people to us are really hurting in side. We find a little compassion for what they are going through.
Stick around as your life is about to change for the better!! Hugs my friend and welcome!!
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of your stories are a lot like our stories. You will find a lot of support as pretty much everything you probably have gone through some one here already had.
You will understand that your AH is addicted to alcohol but us co dependents become addicted to them. It consumes us, day and night. In alanon it teaches us how to take care of our selves, how to set up boundaries, how to make right choices and not lose our cool. Just like what Honeypig said, you will change and he will see your change.
When you make the little changes, your life calms down. Things somewhat fall into place, it becomes clearer on what you want in life. They say in alanon not to make any big decisions the first 6 months, as you are not thinking very clearly right now.
Read the stickies up top for friends and family. Go to the alcoholic and the new to recovery forums and read about the struggles the addicts face. These heartless people to us are really hurting in side. We find a little compassion for what they are going through.
Stick around as your life is about to change for the better!! Hugs my friend and welcome!!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 107
I agree with what honeypig said. We really don't talk about the alcoholic in al anon. We may mention something that happened, but then we talk about what we said, what we did, how we felt, how we reacted, etc. Alcoholics are very self centered people. It's always all about them. It seems like most alcoholics think that an al anon meeting is a bunch of ladies sitting around talking about them! That is SO not true. You said you found a weekday meeting... is there not a time that you could make an evening meeting? When your kids are off on an activity, or someone else is watching them? Your husband doesn't have to know where you're going. The reason I ask is because as someone mentioned, meetings are all so different. There is a different "crowd" at the day meetings vs. the evening meetings. Some you may find you like more than others. Sometimes you really have to go to many to find one where you are comfortable or just feel like is a better fit. My first few months in al anon I went very sporadically. I just didn't "get" it. Then I went to another group and I realized... I got it! That first group just wasn't for me for whatever reason, and that's ok.
Don't give up yet!
Don't give up yet!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by CarryThatWeight
You said you found a weekday meeting... is there not a time that you could make an evening meeting? When your kids are off on an activity, or someone else is watching them? Your husband doesn't have to know where you're going.
For right now, it needs to just be about me. For a change. Ha!
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