hopeforme

I sit home alone again tonight and wonder how can the broken promises of an Alcoholic STILL continue to HURT time and time again....How can I - a smart, bright woman think and believe with each promise that THIS TIME will be different.

My "A" fiance "promised" that as of labour day - yes - only ONE day ago that he was going to turn around his life.......need I say more - I am sure you know the rest...blah blah blah..... I question him why does he think all of a sudden that this one day he will suddenly be able to keep all his promises....and yet part of me hopes inside and believes he can and he will.

So tonight I go out to a 12 step mtg - a planning meeting for an upcoming marathon - and come home - honestly EXCITED to see him home - looking forward to walking through the door to this "changed man" and what do I find....the "NOTE" saying he had gone out.

My heart broke (again) when I saw it - I have come to hate those notes...there are very unique in that he never uses the word "I" in them - funny - like he almost can't take the responsibility for the choice...he starts by saying "can't really explain...but have gone out" followed by "home b4 12 maybe earlier" (they are always written in this short form - never using "I")

When this happens I go through so many emotions in the space of 5 minutes - hurt, anger, betrayal, rage, disappoinment,,,

I want to believe things can change but I am feeling so very lost nd hopeless (ironic considering the name I chose for myself here!)

I really do still love this man - we have been together 13 years - he is an awesome person - I love and cherish everything else about him but addicion is stealing him away...

Do I have to give up hope?????

splendra

(((((H4M))))-

You don't have to give up hope... What you might want to try is not believing what he says until you see that he is keeping his word reguarding recovery. You don't have to believe what he says, or stop loving him or, get angry. You can go on about your life and do what you want to do. I doesn't matter what the note says what matters is how you are reacting to it. Hey girl I ran the same program over and over getting pi$$ed off and hurt over and over again like that would do any good... all it did was make me miserable. When I set my boundries and decided I was going to stop reacting to his cr@p that scared the $. H. I. T. out of him he is a changed man since I did that. One night I told him I was not going to sit around and wait for him anymore. I told him I had a social life that I wanted to persue without him and that I was ready to file for separation and that I had met someone that I am interested in seeing since all he cared about was dope.... boy when he saw that I was really serious and I meant every word I said I bought one of my own big trunks in the house from the garage and said put your stuff in it and get out..... well he knew it was time to either shape up or ship out and he hasn't used since, he has started remodeling the bathroom, paid all the bills this month, and actually can have a conversation now.... it is amazing. Also I have seen some of my own flaws staring me down lately. It has been very painful to look at but, being able to admit them to him has made him feel relieved.....and he is the man I fell in love with now... now I am the one who is scared!!!!

StandingStrong

Because we hope each time the promise is made that this time will be the time that promise is kept.

Believe me when I tell you that you are not alone.
Even after living apart from my AH for months, I still get overwhelmingly upset, angry, disappointed, etc. when a promise he has made falls through, or I find out that he has lied to me about something, etc.
My inner being knows better. I say the words continuously (even to him) that his word means nothing to me. You see, this seperation was supposed to be a time for him to PROVE to me that it really would be different this time. And while he has been sober for 8 months, there are other issues that he doesn't seem to be able to improve on. I told him to SHOW ME, not tell me.
A part of me knows and accepts the fact that this is how he is - that some things never will change - etc. but I guess there's that part of me also that just kept hanging on hoping that he would surprise me in the end and come through for us.

I'm sorry that you are hurt. I can only tell you to not feel alone. I think we've all felt how you do.

brightlight

Mine keeps saying he is going to drink less and stay home. He went to the store and actually bought a six-pack and brought it home. He drank one and went to bed. He cannot drink at home for some reason. He hates what he is doing, but cannot stop. If I am not here he leaves me notes. I know if I am not here he will go, but now since I quit yelling he comes on home to say he is going. No use yelling because it upsets the kids and it did no go. He was drinking and mad. Now he is drinking and happy. Tomorrow he will be sooo sorry. He is trying to save money to go on vacation, but he does not see what he does. He took $100 bill and did not want to break it, but I said what is the difference, it all spends the same. If he had wrote a check or used a card he would spend the same. I think if I really said you are out of my life if you do not stop and packed his clothes or moved myself, then he would quit in a minute. Maybe for ever, but not sure and the kids would go through hell. I am going to bed and he missed supper. What a wasted life.

myles1

It's our expectations that hurt us. You can't expect that just because he says he's going change that he will because your past experiences with him probably indicate that he won't do that.

Words whisper, actions scream.

If there are no actions to back up the words then it is only hurtful to yourself to expect anything will be different just because he says.

Ngaire

hurtandconfused

...in thier eyes when they say it, because we see the hurt that they cause themselves. My husband truly has every intention of being the person he wishes he could be. To be a proud father, a strong husband and a respected son in law. They live in a fake world. Making themselves believe that they are that person. When they promise never again, I know my husband believes himself and he means it, and I stupidly believe him. But it is not up to him at that moment, something else, stonger than he is in control of his life at that time. I could never choose someting over him. Why can he choose something so empty over me. You said it Brightlight "what a wasted life".

It has felt so good knowing their is support out there!