Not alcohol - but the pain is the same
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Good for YOU!!
I'm glad you were able to wake up only a couple of days into this ill-advised "agreement." You don't need this kind of pain.
I'm a bit on the introverted/independent side, myself, and I think you will LOVE being on your own!
I'm glad you were able to wake up only a couple of days into this ill-advised "agreement." You don't need this kind of pain.
I'm a bit on the introverted/independent side, myself, and I think you will LOVE being on your own!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Yep - I keep thinking about all the great things I can do around the house now that he will be gone; especially things I can cook that I like to eat - since he was such a picky eater. And decorating for Christmas without him underfoot.
The funny thing is although he complained that I never asked him for help - I gave up asking him for help with anything a long time ago. His help always came with his control.... and on his timeframe.... which was never in sync with what I wanted.
Happier every minute - hope the sadness waves are few and far between.
And I can't wait to tell my daughter. I know she was worried about me losing myself. She has been sending me so much support and love this last month. I really need to make her proud!
The funny thing is although he complained that I never asked him for help - I gave up asking him for help with anything a long time ago. His help always came with his control.... and on his timeframe.... which was never in sync with what I wanted.
Happier every minute - hope the sadness waves are few and far between.
And I can't wait to tell my daughter. I know she was worried about me losing myself. She has been sending me so much support and love this last month. I really need to make her proud!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I'm SO glad your soul woke up, now! You haven't mentioned seeing an attorney, though. PLEASE hire one asap because him being all nice and accommodating won't last. Don't count on him "repaying" you for cushioning him in the transition. If fact, since you're supported him for 6 years, you may owe him "maintenance" for a few years (aka he gets alimony from YOU). I wish you only the best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
I have a solid pre-nup - and have kept everything separate except what we have in our business; and that is in a LLC. Thanking my past self for making sure to cover that base!
I will be talking to an attorney very shortly!
I will be talking to an attorney very shortly!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Well this is no reflection on you, these are his issues.
You have the power,not to make him change, but to move on and take care of you.
You have the power,not to make him change, but to move on and take care of you.
Originally Posted by nowinsituation 
I was pretty active here several years ago, during my divorce and recovery from my AH. Moved on and built a new life and got married... and guess what..... Maybe not as recovered as I thought I was.
Please welcome me again and give me strength to heal. It is not alcoholism; but it seems to be an addiction none the less. And ever so slowly I allowed this man to become financially dependent on me; as I also allowed myself to become socially dependent on him. The pain, the struggle, seems like it will be much the same.
His addiction is attention - and DOC is female attention. We have cycled through this at least 5 times in the 6 years we have been together. First time before we got married - and I broke up with him -- and took him back.. While he denies he is doing anything wrong - and it is just how he is; I know that his lack of regard for how it makes me feel and his refusal to stop means that there is something wrong. Reminds me so much of the alcoholic dance I went through before.
It seems to come during a time of stress --- and I feel my normally attentive and devoted husband becoming distant and rude to me. I tell him how I feel - he dismisses it as me being sensitive; and assures me there is nothing wrong. After awhile my gut knows - so I check his phone. Sure enough - texts and facebook communication with his current target (victim?)
Looking at it on the surface it appears innocent chatter.... except in the context that he is a married man; and he is not showing the same intimacy to his wife. And as if he is grooming this person - it eventually crosses the line into sexual flirtation. A picture he sent to his current flame referenced his sports car - and how it makes girls' panties hit the floor.
He says that is how he is, and he's not going to change. My challenge is accepting this reality and doing what I need to do. We have talked divorce and sorted out our assets (so thankful for the prenup).
And, he really has no income. He is self employed and will not be generated income for the foreseeable future. Without my financial support - he will also lose the resources he needs to build his business. I struggle with this so much - but it's not my fault he is in the situation he finds himself.
I thank you all for being here.... People who understand and will help me maintain my boundaries - and reassure me that I am enough, and I will be fine.
Please welcome me again and give me strength to heal. It is not alcoholism; but it seems to be an addiction none the less. And ever so slowly I allowed this man to become financially dependent on me; as I also allowed myself to become socially dependent on him. The pain, the struggle, seems like it will be much the same.
His addiction is attention - and DOC is female attention. We have cycled through this at least 5 times in the 6 years we have been together. First time before we got married - and I broke up with him -- and took him back.. While he denies he is doing anything wrong - and it is just how he is; I know that his lack of regard for how it makes me feel and his refusal to stop means that there is something wrong. Reminds me so much of the alcoholic dance I went through before.
It seems to come during a time of stress --- and I feel my normally attentive and devoted husband becoming distant and rude to me. I tell him how I feel - he dismisses it as me being sensitive; and assures me there is nothing wrong. After awhile my gut knows - so I check his phone. Sure enough - texts and facebook communication with his current target (victim?)
Looking at it on the surface it appears innocent chatter.... except in the context that he is a married man; and he is not showing the same intimacy to his wife. And as if he is grooming this person - it eventually crosses the line into sexual flirtation. A picture he sent to his current flame referenced his sports car - and how it makes girls' panties hit the floor.
He says that is how he is, and he's not going to change. My challenge is accepting this reality and doing what I need to do. We have talked divorce and sorted out our assets (so thankful for the prenup).
And, he really has no income. He is self employed and will not be generated income for the foreseeable future. Without my financial support - he will also lose the resources he needs to build his business. I struggle with this so much - but it's not my fault he is in the situation he finds himself.
I thank you all for being here.... People who understand and will help me maintain my boundaries - and reassure me that I am enough, and I will be fine.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Well done on the prenup. They may not be the thing for young people with few assets, but they are so appropriate for second marriages and people who have children from previous marriages.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Nowin, this is a BIG win for you--I'm so happy for you. There is another thread here about how to recognize red flags and differentiate from "issues." I hope that others who have posted/read on that thread see yours and take a look. It's certainly helpful for me in seeing that while we can't screen out all mistakes, no matter how much we think we know, we certainly can realize that they ARE mistakes and correct them much faster (days instead of decades!) now that we know better.
Good for you, and thanks so much for sharing this.
Good for you, and thanks so much for sharing this.
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