Liveitwell

So this Christian marriage page I like on Facebook posts awesome stuff-and usually I enjoy what they hage to say. But lately I've been irked seeing the posts talking about "oh, the success of a marriage depends on focusing on the positive and not the negative"..."you have to choose to always sees the good in a person and forgive the bad". Ok, yes, agreed-and impossible to do at times but yes. Forgive , yes-I agree. But really??? Caught myself going back and evaluating-and damnit, I did appreciate all the good...all the good things he did...every last one of them. He tried so hard-many times too hard. THOSE things were not the problem!! And no matter how hard I appreciated them, it wouldn't have changed anything..bc his demons were there from the beginning-the anger at life, the hurt and pain he carried from his childhood, putting me on a pedestal and then knocking me off, the "you make me better" putting me to shoulder his actions when they were awful bc I had failed in some way, the "this marriage is bad bc I don't feel like I would die without you anymore, getting drunk to cope, the mom issues-those were always there. And so were my issues-they were always there. I do believe that if both spouses are living for God first and following Jesus, then all relationships fall into place. I sure as heck wasbt following Him until three years ago...I was living selfishly-for my flesh....and didn't have my eyes on Him. But I have my marriage everything I had...I got sober and strong and tried my best...tried everythibg....but no amount of appreciation trumps the drunk tirades and abuse and lies and arrogance and on and on. Period!!!!
Yikes-seriously triggered and angry right now :/ obviously I have a long way to go. Giving myself time and grace to heal at His pace, not on my schedule. But man-I read that post today and just about puked!! One of the commenters was a man that said he did very much appreciate everything his wife did for him and the family-he just didn't appreciate her cheating on him-which is why he divorced. Exactly.

Thanks for listening, friends. Don't even know if this makes sense-just had to get it off my chest so I can sleep peacefully

Ladyperris

This makes so much sense!! I think I would feel the same way! It's great to focus on the positive but I've also learned in my classes that everyone has to hold themselves accountable and set boundaries when it comes to relationships that involve addictions and when those boundaries are crossed of course we forgive as hard as it may be but from what I have learned it's not our responsibility to continue in the cycle inadvertently showing our spouses their actions are okay leading them to continue doing them. Good read.

minime13

Every time I see or hear anything discussing relationships, I always have to remind myself "that's for normal, healthy relationships" and that any relationship with an alcoholic/addict exists in an alternate reality. It doesn't turn everything right-side up again, but it helps to have that reality check.

NYCDoglvr

Some of the best advice I got in early recovery was to compare myself to myself, not other people. A "good marriage" does not include abuse, dishonesty and destructive behavior.

HopefulinFLA

I do agree with focusing on the positive and being forgiving, however, I think this only works when both partners ate trying to work on the marriage and themselves. Really hard to find in a relationship with an active A.

Liveitwell

^^^ (all of the above) My thoughts exactly!

lizatola

Yes, what minime13 said rings true: those things can usually apply to healthy marriages where both partners are acting like adults and mostly treat each other with respect and communicate with honesty and openness.

Have you ever read any books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend? As a Christian, I found their books on boundaries to be eye opening to me, as well as the book, "When People are Big and God is Small".

I don't know about you, but I had made my marriage into an idol in my life and my husband, at the time, was front and center as an idol to me as well. And, then I set about controlling all of it by fixing things, enabling, accepting unacceptable behavior, and neglecting to set boundaries.

Those books really did help me, even if they weren't recovery related because they opened my eyes to where I, myself, was going wrong in my marriage and in my relationships.

Liveitwell

^ absolutely true of me as well in my marriage, esp toward the end-I didn't put God first most of my marriage-I put my husband first, even when God was trying to open my eyes. I haven't read those but I most definitely will seek them out.

Lilro

Hi For,
I have to agree with minime up there^^^^^^^. I read the articles from " The power of positivity" on FB and then I realise that these things do not apply to my relationship, it's not normal, I'm not dealing with a healthy person. How sad is that? Ugh!
As long as you realize that YOU have done everything you could on " your side of the fence" you're good!
Peace to you girlfriend........ You are doing great!!!

CarmenLove

Hi Forourgirls,

This is something I have wondered about before as well...

I come to the conclusion that addiction is not just your 'run of the mill' negative stuff that you would have in any normal relationship. In fact it's a deal breaker.

I don't see how love can continue to exist in the climate of addiction. You cannot grow and thrive and that's toxic (for me at least).

If someone is truly in recovery it may be a different story.

However if anyone says a person should overlook the 'negative' of someone else's addiction and stand by the addicts side no matter what (which someone actually said to me!) then they have clearly never lived with an addict.

Big hugs.

HopefulinFLA

^^^ I agree!

We don't have to martyr ourselves for them. You do not need to be the sacrificial lamb.

hopeful4

This...100%

RollTide

Yes...what minime13 said!